Archive for May, 2008

Mothra to DL, Local Footwear to Battle Pretty Mid-Atlantic Birds

Posted in APNDR, Orioles, Red Sox on May 30, 2008 by hzmls
Your Boston Red Sox return from their west coast debacle road trip tonight, albeit not all the way back to Boston. First up is a four-game spin through the friendly confines of the Yards of Camden (also known as “Affordable Fenway South”), home of one of the worst-run franchises in the major leagues. And after crapping the bed against both a team with a payroll smaller than your shortstop’s salary (Oakland) and a team that only recently became aware that the season has actually started (Seattle), what better way to improve your fortunes than an extended series with the Kevin Millar Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings?
The Orioles are, right now, the very definition of “average team.” They’re roughly in the middle of the AL rankings in virtually every statistic, and sit at precisely .500 with a 26-26 record. Their highest paid players are those immortals of the diamond Aubrey Huff ($8m), Melvin Mora ($7.8M), and Ramon Hernandez ($7.5M), who are hitting .244, .258, and .222 respectively. Their staff ace, Eric Bedard, and lights-out closer, B.J. Ryan, aren’t actually playing for the team anymore. And yes, our old friend Kevin plays a significant role on the team. (And has played pretty damn well this year, mind you…) They show up, they play, they win half the time. Sadly enough for Baltimore fans, that’s actually an improvement from the last couple of years.
It’s been a rough… couple of decades for the fans of the Baltimore American League franchise. Now I’m not saying that karma exists or anything, or that you shouldn’t mess with success, or anything of the sort, but I do want to point out that the Birds have won precisely squat since this little fella was whacked and disposed of in the Outer Harbor:

Of course that might also have something do to with the team no longer having players like Cal Ripken, Jim Palmer, Dennis and Tippy Martinez, Eddie Murray, Rick Dempsey, Mike Cuellar, Paul Blair, Al Bumbry, Mike Boddicker, and Mike Flanagan anymore…. but I blame the ornithologically-correct bird.

Anyhoo, your pitching matchups for the home-away-from-home series are as follows (Bermanesque mocking nicknames at no extra charge):

Tonight: Beckett vs. Daniel “Lil’ Pedro” Cabrera
Saturday: Lester the Molester vs. Garret “Stop Calling Me Nellie, Dammit” Olson
Sunday: Fatty McFatfat von Fatstein vs. Brian “We Were So Poor, We Couldn’t Afford the Last S” Burres
Monday: Mothra TBD vs. Jeremy “Arlo” Guthrie.

Speaking of Monday’s non-starter, Mothra-K was placed on the 15-day DL today. I believe the official injury is listed as “my shoulder is full of shame and dishonor, hai!”. Or maybe it was “rotator cuff strain”. My Japanese is pretty poor. This marks the first time Matsuzaka has been disabled in his US professional career. The Sox called up Jeff Beetle Bailey from Pawtucket to fill the roster spot; Bailey is almost certainly a temporary call-up to provide an extra bat until a replacement starter is needed on Monday or Tuesday. In all likelihood, Tim Wakefield will take the Monday start in Baltimore, with Justin Masterson (whose Pawtucket schedule has been modified to put him in line for a Tuesday start) called up to face the Devil Rays on Tuesday. The nearly-ready-to-go Clay Buchholz is also an option should the Sox decide he’s fully recovered from his “blister.” (I believe the Latin term for that particular malady is Bartolocolonis Gottabecalledupis Orwegottareleasehimus, which thankfully isn’t as severe as the case of Rulefivedraftis Fakeinjuryus that Lenny DiNardo contracted a couple of years ago.)

In other disturbing news, the kicker at the end of this AP story notes that J.D. Drew is suffering from vertigo, which is why he’s been out of the lineup recently. Uh oh. Much as I dislike the guy (you fuck with the Phillies, you fuck with me), he’s our guy now and we’re on the hook for his salary. And he’s not going anywhere, so we’re stuck with him. And the last time I saw “Red Sox player” and “vertigo” in the same sentence, it completely ended a promising career. Color me slightly worried.

Hey Celtics…

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, the Commish Gets, What the Commish Wants on May 30, 2008 by hzmls

Don’t fuck this up.

Love,
David Stern

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times??! The 1993 New England Patriots Season

Posted in Bledsoe's slack jaw, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, Patriots, Tuna Surprise on May 30, 2008 by hzmls


It was a cold summer in Boston prior to the 1993 Season. The Pats had just finished another terrible season under Coach Dick MacPherson (now fired), and they had an owner who had no intentions of actually running the team. Morale in the locker room and the fan base was at an all-time low. Would Boston still have a football team? What the hell was going on in Foxborough? There were big changes brewing for this young team, a new string of talent was brought into Foxborough, brought in by the keen eye of the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells. The organization itself also had a big change. Gone was Pat Patriot the famous old school logo of the Pats, replaced by what seemingly looked like the Old Man on the Mountain.

The Good


With the first pick in the first round, the Pats made the first move that would impact the future of this organization, they drafted Drew McQueen Bledsoe. There was debate over who the Pats should take with this pick, Bledsoe or the equally talented Rick Mirer. Luckily the Pats took Bledsoe with the pick, who struggled in his first season as a starter but helped the Pats increase their win total from 2 to 5. Arguably the best game of the season for Bledsoe was against the Colts, where he threw for 400 yards in a 38-0 ass whooping. Bledsoe was a “gunslinger” — a guy who could launch the ball down the field and win games on just his arm alone (at this point we had no idea how immobile he was). Finally the Pats could stop playing musical chairs behind the ass of the center. They had a stable QB who gave them a chance to win.

Not only was Bledsoe good, but his presence was making an impact on the team as well. The team started off slow again, going 1-11 through the first 13 weeks, but with some comfort in learning Parcells’ system came some success for Bledsoe, as he won the last four games in a row. Another rookie, Vincent Brisby, and up-and-coming TE Ben Coates became the favorite targets of young Bledsoe. Leonard Russell also shook off the injury bug and went on to have a terrific season, with over 1,000 yards rushing. And on the defensive side of the ball, another rookie, Chris Slade, opened eyes with his 9 sacks. Even with a final record of 5-12, the season was a marked improvement over the shitshow the previous year.

The Bad and the Ugly

Looking at the 1992 season breakdown, I realized someone was left off who needed to be addressed: Eugene Chung. The Pats needed a lineman to match up with Bruce Armstrong in ’92, there were a bevy of potential linemen on the board when their slot came up. The Pats had traded down earlier in the day, but saw a need, and traded back up as Chung was still on the board. He was fat, overweight, slow, and wasn’t very good in college. Many analysts saw him dropping into later rounds. But the Pats wanted him — they saw him as a project that could translate into the pros and traded up to get him, losing most of their other picks. Well, he didn’t. He played two seasons with the Pats before they decided the project needed to be aborted. Chung sucked his way around 7 other teams before hanging it up for good. To be fair, though, that first round was terrible : Steve Emtmann went 1, Quentin Coryatt 2, and David Klinger 6. Jesus that draft was terrible

Song of the Year I Will Always Love You – by Whitney Houston.


Fuck this song, fuck the movie it was in. This song was all over the radio in 1993, as our favorite coke fiend belted herself to all sorts of awards. The song has the tone of something that prison guards at Gitmo would play to torture their inmates. It’s loud, annoying and stupid. This was one of the first songs as a youngster that made me lunge towards the front of the car when it came on. It would have been nice if Bobby Brown had introduced her to his lifestyle earlier then he did, just to spare us all this shit.

Movie of the Year Jurassic Park.

I loved this movie. It was a friggin kick-ass special effects blockbuster with dinosaurs that scared the ever-loving shit out of you. Looking at it now, those effects are still pretty cutting edge. The dinosaurs looked real, like something you could find in your back yard. I must have seen this movie three or four times in the theater, and those raptors scared the crap out of me every time. Best scene in JP: when the T. Rex breaks out of the pen and starts ripping crap up, knocking over the car, beating the shit out of Jeff Goldblum and eating the lawyer who was sitting on the crapper. Getting eaten by a dinosaur while taking a shit has become my #1 phobia.

Just pack in guys, this season is over

Posted in futility, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, mangini wears womens underwear, tackle football on May 30, 2008 by hzmls

Football is lauded as the league of where anything can happen, and sometimes it does. The 2001 Patriots are a prime example of this, they were a team that for years had been “decent”, they had a good QB but they were never expected to do what they did that year. Every year we hear the question, who is going to come out of nowhere and make a run at the Super Bowl. But lets be realistic here, there are at least five teams with absolutely no shot of even getting into the playoffs this year. They were bad teams last year, and did little to help themselves in the draft, and FA/Trade, so logically they will continue to suck this year. Agree? Disagree? Let me hear it…

1. Miami Dolphins- Drafting Jake Long was a solid move in the right direction, and there is no doubt that the Tuna will get this team in the right direction eventually but this team is going to suck again this year. Who is going to be their QB this year? Josh McCown? Chad Henne? Beck? Three options, none of them are going to make much of an impact. Can anyone actually name a WR not named Ted Ginn Jr? WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING WR? They might sneak a few wins against the equally bad Jets or the Bills, but you can count on Ricky Williams to also completely fuck up the season as he decides to be a minister in a Southern Baptist church.

Event more likely to happen then the Dolphins making the playoffs: Britney Spears and Rob Schneider sex tape leaked to the public.

2. Washington Redskins- Bad bad football team here. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that they are going to dwell at the bottom of the NFC East. They got rid of Grandpa Joe but this team is still stacked with holes. They had ZERO first round draft picks, and picked a bunch of WR’s in the second round. They failed to trade for Chad Johnson, and this will just be another team for Dan Snyder to completely fuck up.I love Clinton Portis, but he is injured all the time, and there is no way this team is going to contend with the likes of Dallas or NY with Rock Cartwright (wasn’t he a character on Ponderosa?) and Ladell Betts in the backfield.

Event more likely to happen then the Redskins making the playoffs: Barry Bonds is vindicated of all steroid allegation and perjury charges, returning to the MLB to become the ambassador to the game.

3. Carolina Panthers– Yeah they made the Super Bowl five years ago with the same QB, but Jake Delhomme is a fraud. He was stacked with great WR’s that year and I think Eric Crouch could have hit Steve Smith in some of those games. But those years are long gone, along with the years of the great Carolina defenses. It’s now Julius Peppers and a bunch of schlubs, and a terrible secondary. Steve Smith is toast, Delhomme is done, bye bye Panthers.
Event more likely to happen then the Panthers making the playoffs: CNN gets the live feed as Tupac Shakur comes out of hiding in Salt Lake City, Utah. He explains that he hid because he was tired of the BS, and wanted to go to the one place no one would ever expect a black person to hide.

4. NY Jets– Maybe this will be the year that piece of shit Mangini finally gets fired. He still has a QB battle on his between Noodledick Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens, only thing is, both of them blow. Doesn’t matter who you start, the team is still bad and you have no chance of winning more games than you won last year. They did a great job solidifying the offense line with Alan Faneca, and Damien Woody but their offense will still stutter. Please fire Mangini.

Event more likely to happen then the Jets making the playoffs: Rachel Ray removes her skin to reveal that she is in fact a monster from the distant galaxy of Xiabor. She tells her shocked audience “TRAW GHRA LORBAO CRULL MAO!” (translation: “I will devour your soul!!”

5. Detroit Lions– HEY MATT MILLEN DIDNT DRAFT A WR IN THE FIRST ROUND!!!!!! He did however waste that pick on Gosder Cherilus my boy from BC when there were much better OL on the board. But for a team with a terrible defense, they did nothing to improve in the off season, other than move their best defender to another team. Jon Kitna can pray that he wins 10 games again, but lord this is not going to happen.

Event more likely to happen then the Lions making the playoffs:GHABY! actually sees Sex and the City the Movie.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, Dick Jokes, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS on May 30, 2008 by hzmls

Come to our school it is FABULOUS!!!!!!!

* Kobe Bryant beats Spurs. Even with Duncan triple double the Spurs could not muster up enough offense to hold a 17 point lead in LA. Bryant was a one man show, scoring 39 points including 17 in the fourth quarter. In related news Jack Nicholson was admitted to the hospital with an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

* Randy Johnson took over Roger Clemens as #2 on the all time strikeout list, Johnson also holds the record for most penis jokes related to his name/nickname. However Johnson still trails Clemens in # of underaged country singers banged. Big Useless’s effort was wasted however as Randy Winn blasts a home run in a 4-3 Giants win.

* Thought about commenting on the Giant Super Bowl ring ceremony, but was hit with a wave of nausea. Instead, Junior Seau will wait to decide whether or not to play his 56th season until training camp.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in futuremrsrickankiel, Nightly Previews, Raquel, when you give up your dream you die on May 29, 2008 by hzmls


No games tonight! The Sox are dragging their asses back from a demoralizing 1-5 trip to the West Coast while the Celtics are HOPEFULLY huddled in a bunker somewhere performing the intricate series of calculations required to demonstrate to them that IF WE WIN THE NEXT GAME WE GET TO GO TO THE FINALS. A night of rest is due us all.

“But FutureMrs, without your nightly recommendations and predictions I am but a lost fragment of humanity, drifting endlessly and aimlessly through the vast and lonely wasteland of a Thursday night!”

Fear not, beloveds. Plenty of watchin’ tonight. NESN will be re-running the Buchholz and Lester no-hitters back-to-back starting at 6:00 pm. I’ve seen the Lester game re-aired twice already and still had tears in my eyes in the 9th both times. Afterwards, I recommend catching the new Reno 911! at 10:30. Reno 911! is pretty much the only non-animated TV show I watch on a regular basis. Does that mean I have approximately the attention span and maturity level of a 7-year-old on a sugar bender? Perhaps, but you should tune in tonight nonetheless.

Oh also there is some damn basketball game or other playing but I hate both of the teams involved with the scorching heat of a thousand alien suns so you won’t hear a word on that garbage from me.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Adam Hall finally realizes his dream of becoming a Conservatory-trained dancer when Mario Lemieux discovers him dancing at Mawby’s and takes him under his wing.

Serious prediction of the night: This man’s wife will divorce him.

Of David Lee Roth and Transistor Radios: Celtics Win Game 5

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, Pa-na-ma-a-o-o-a-oh on May 29, 2008 by hzmls

So a funny thing happened on the way to watching last night’s Game 5 Epic Win of Awesomeness. I sorta, kinda, maybe missed 3/4ths of the game to stare at a shirtless 53-year-old man doing high leg kicks while wearing a ten-gallon pirate hat.

Let me explain.

Among my many loves, David Lee Roth-era Van Halen is just ahead of “old people scooters” and slightly behind “alcohol.” My high school AOL screen name involved the words “Diamond Dave,” despite the fact that I am not named Dave, nor do I own a diamond mine (though that would be awesome). I am probably the only person EVER to refer to David Lee Roth’s autobiography as “The Bible,” and for my 17th birthday, my friends got me a DLR poster that was somehow even gayer than this:

So when my best friend called me yesterday at 4pm to tell me he had a FREE ticket to Van Halen (reunited with Diamond Dave for this month at least) sitting 15th-row stage left, I felt conflicted. Here was a free ticket to the band I loved throughout childhood…or Game 5 of the most important Celtics series of the last 20 years. Hm…decisions decisions. Waitasecond…I have DVR! I could simply record the game, and watch it when I got home! I stopped at home to DVR the game, and proceeded to reach down, between my legs, and ease the seat back.

At the concert however, curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself frequently checking my phone for score updates. Five-minute drum solo? Perfect time to check the first quarter stats. Oh, they’re playing “Mean Streets?” Time to dive to the phone again. It got so bad that I think I checked the score twice during “Ain’t Talkin ‘Bout Love,” despite the fact that the song isn’t even four minutes long. I kept going to the phone like a junkee, much like Eddie Van Halen went to the bottle from 1982-present. And we know how that turns out:

The concert tidily ended at 10:15 (not exactly the all-night rocking that I pictured from Van Halen) and I rushed to my car with a diarrhea-like urgency. I could at least catch the fourth quarter on the radio, and if I got home fast enough, I could maybe even watch the final few minutes at the GHABB,Y Palace of Wisdom.

(For those who care – the concert was awesome, though the physical state of the members of VH is a little disconcerting. DLR somehow has eight-pack abs at the age of 53, while the two Van Halen brothers are literally decomposing by the minute. Eddie’s kid – who is now the bassist – resembles August Gloop from Willy Wonka. That said, the band can still fucking wail, even if Dave forgets half his lines, dresses like Siegfried & Roy and can’t hit the high notes anymore. I’ll say this – seeing an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo is pretty much like staring into the face of God. Thumbs up show overall, especially for free)

In retrospect, listening to the game on the radio was one of the better decisions I’ve made during these playoffs. Watching national broadcasts are nice and good, and Breen/Van Gundy/Jackson has been one of the better national TV broadcast teams of recent memory. Still, as I learned last night, listening to a home radio broadcast better conveys the sheer gravitas of an important game. Grande and Max painted a vivid picture of the game’s goings on without regard for team neutrality or proper diction. When the C’s scored big buckets, they yelled. When the Pistons started coming back, they muttered in the same somber tones that Jim Ross used to announce that Owen Hart had died. In between, they reminded listeners how far the Celtics had come over the last 20 years, the full impact that players like Garnett and Perkins were having on their teammates, and what a win would mean to the team and all of Celtics fandom.

Now I’ve heard stories of people who choose only to listen to games with the television sound muted and a home radio broadcast in their ear, and generally written them off as a Bissinger-esque relic. But after listening to the game last night, I’m considering doing the radio-and-muted-TV-dealie for the remainder of the playoffs. I’m a Celtics fan dammit, in previously uncharted (at least by anyone under the age of 27 or so) territory. Doesn’t it therefore make sense to have my bi-nightly Christmas presents of basketball goodness delivered by unabashed Celtics fans, and not the non-regional diction of a national broadcaster?

As for the game itself – Wow. I am now officially sorry for anything I ever said about Ray Allen, especially the parts about him being a zombie and/or on PCP. Perk’s 18-16 became the stuff of Celtic legend, and Garnett earned every bit of the $23 million he’s being paid this year. While Rondo scared me (there were a LOT of lazy-ass passes mixed in with those 13 assists, and his shooting was awful), and the nearly-blown lead was extremely troublesome, I’m still on cloud nine and have every confidence that the C’s will make the Finals. And when they do, I’ll be sure to bring a radio.