Archive for June, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in conspiracy theories, futuremrsrickankiel, MLB is an Orwellian dictatorship, Nightly Previews, Raquel, Red Sox, they're coming for Mark DeRosa too but that's just because he sucks on June 30, 2008 by hzmls


Red Sox v. Rays, 7:10 pm. The Sox make the switch from Minute Maid to Tropicana — more vitamins! — to kick off a series with the Rays, those scrappy sons-a-bitches who managed to gain a half-game lead on us thanks to our Texas suckitude this weekend. Tempers flared in memorable fashion last time these two teams collided, and with Grade-A Jackass James Shields (5-5, 3.76) on the mound for Tampa Bay tonight it’s likely that hostilities will continue. Baby-faced stringbean Justin Masterson (4-1, 3.43) looks about as dangerous as Big Bird on Ambien, so hopefully he’ll have enough common sense to keep out of the bullshit. Meanwhile, Akinori Iwamura better have found himself some gat-damn full-body Kevlar because that dude just cannot get a break from nasty slides at second. It’s no secret that I love me some Evan Longoria, but I’m getting pretty sick of the Rays and their crap. We’ve got 3 divisional series (plus one with the suddenly hot Twins) before the All-Star Break, which means an opportunity to head into the break with a solid lock on first. STARTING TONIGHT. Boom!

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Someone is going to get punched.

Serious prediction of the night: No, seriously. Someone is going to get punched. Probably Iwamura, in fact. He’s like the straight man in an old-timey pie-throwing slapstick short, where everyone around him keeps throwing pies and then ducking and he’s always the one who winds up taking a pie to the face. Except instead of “a pie to the face” it’s “a cleat to the groin.”


Hey, remember in game 1 of the NLCS last year when Justin Upton plowed into Kaz Matsui at second base (and the sky grew dark with flying garbage)? Is there… there can’t be… some kind of insane MLB-wide conspiracy to eliminate all second basemen of Japanese descent? Is… oh god! Someone get Tad Iguchi on the phone! NO ONE IS SAFE!

/is kidnapped by Bud Selig’s thugs
/re-emerges a decade later, babbling about the importance of interleague play and the irrelevance of a salary cap in the post-steroids era

2 + 2 = 5

That Poor, Poor Woman….

Posted in APNDR, cheap jokes, sprinting, track and field, whimsy on June 28, 2008 by hzmls

Hooker Wins 100-meter Qualifier in 10.76 Seconds

/used to run track

/knows what these women have to do to compete at an elite level

/knows her last name isn’t her fault

/respects her achievement

/never broke 11.9 in the 100M himself

/shouldn’t go there

/must resist easy joke

/resistance is difficult

/resistance is futile

/resistance crumbling

/resistance gone

In second place, at 10.79 seconds — a pimp screaming “WHERE’S MY MONEY, BITCH??????”

/shame
/shame
/shame
/shame

Weekend Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS on June 28, 2008 by hzmls

As we all wake from our alcohol induced stupor you might have missed the following last night:

* Mothra returns!!! Against the hapless Houstron Astros our Japanese overlord dominated the Astros over 7 innings and only allowing two hits at Enron Stadium. JD Drew theOverpaid, overrated THE BEST PLAYER ON THIS TEAM supported Mothra with a three run home run. Sox win 6-1. Can I send out a public challenge to any one in Red Sox nation that is reading this blog? Please stop throwing all of your all star votes behind guys like David Ortiz and Jason Varitek, who are marginal all stars this year and please VOTE IN JD DREW. He doesn’t suck, he isn’t over paid, and the argument could be made that he is the MVP of this team.
/End rant

* Patrick Carpentier won the pole at the NASCAR car race in NH. I have no fucking idea what that means, but it sounds like its a big deal. Also the race was postponed because of slippery track conditions, this being a prime example of why I will never get into car racing. I would much rather watch slippery conditions, hell let these guys race on ice.

*Ana Ivanovic was upset at Wimbledon by 133rd ranked Zheng Jie. Again I don’t give a rats ass about tennis but it gives me an excuse to put up this picture.

Boston Sports Tonite!

Posted in APNDR, Astros, Nightly Previews, Red Sox on June 27, 2008 by hzmls

Red Sox at Astros, 8:05 PM
It’s “Fierce Historical Rivalries” weekend in The Abomination That Is Interleague Play!!!!! Mets/Yankees! Nationals/Orioles! Sox/Astros! The Sox begin an epic 10-game road trip tonight in Houston, once again placing their long-standing hatred of the oil industry and the space program in stark contrast with the Artists Formerly Known As The Colt .45s’ long-standing support of English colonization and tea taxation. Expect at least 30 fans to be seriously injured in the resulting ruckus. Your pitching matchup tonight: Mothra (8-1, 3.46) vs. former Major League pitcher Runnymeade Runnydiarrhea RunDMC Runelvys Hernandez (0-0, 0.00), who was just called up from the minors after undergoing offseason Tommy John surgery.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: OH MY GOD — THAT’S SHAWN CHACON’S MUSIC!!!!

Serious prediction of the night: Jerry Remy refers to Minute Maid Park as “Enron Field” at least once during the broadcast.

Coming tomorrow (probably): The Pimp’s mid-season report on the Sox.

Goodnight, Peepaw Will…..

Posted in APNDR, Deadspin, Goodbye Will, James Spader on June 27, 2008 by hzmls
As many of you (i.e. all of you) who read this blog probably already know, today is Will Leitch’s last day holding the title of “William Prince of Interblogs, Editor of Deadspin, Protector of the Balls, Guardian of the Order of Nibbles, and Protector of Bissingeria”. Since we at Mass Hysteria — Deadspinners all — are nothing if not slavishly imitative hit-whores, we (and by “we” I mean “I”) thought it would be appropriate to pen our own little sendoff to our beloved emo editor.

Yeah, we’re sort of the new kids on the block here, and therefore our tribute will sort of be the equivalent of us pretending to be grown-ups at the kid’s table, while the KSK guys sit at the “real” table, get drunk, and start molesting each other’s rectums. But we’ll give it a try nonetheless.

I came to Deadspin through Defamer, Gawker’s LA-themed gossip blog, which I still frequent out of a sense of adopted-homesickness. Hence, I wasn’t there at the beginning beginning — Deadspin had run “in the background”, unlinked but accessible, for a couple of months prior to its “official” launch via link posts on all the Gawker sites. I stayed because Will, although it’s often lost in the shuffle, is actually a gifted writer, with a light, conversational style that’s both literate and easy to read. And eventually, over time, Deadspin formed into a little enclave of like-minded cretins and retards like myself, where everyone got to be one of the cool kids every once in a while. And then, like amoebae frissoning into copies of themselves (note to self: check and see if that actually means what you think it does), some of these like-minded cretins came together outside of their little Deadspin community, in order to form a more perfect destruction of the mainstream media’s view of the internet. And then came the spankings. And the oral sex.

Wait, that didn’t happen. What the hell was my point again? Oh yeah — the point is, Will was always the touchstone for us, showing us how to do things the right way, and giving us spinoffs a little linky love every now and then. And now he’s off to the New Yorker, where hopefully he will be able to handle the beatings and the sodomy after Roger Angell decides to defend his position of Alpha Male against the threatening newcomer.

So good luck, Will, and may Barbaro guide you on your golden path to becoming a totally obnoxious New York intellectual. And don’t think for a second that you can bring your Enos Slaughter-loving Cardinals crap back to Fenway any time soon….

(sniff)

/you can bring your Cardinals-loving crap back if you want

One last word, though — Simmons was totally wrong. This picture — which will haunt me until the end of days — says one, and only one thing:

“My James Spader Fan Club turned out to be far less popular than I anticipated.”

Good luck, Will!

/dick joke

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, I'm backkkkk on June 27, 2008 by hzmls


Your trusty football editor returns to his post today and wants to clear the air on his disappearance. I was not in rehab, or recovering from a sex change operation, or anything to do with transvestite prostitutes. Work has just kicked my ass lately, and yes my job does involve macaroni art and four square. So prepare for more shoddy grammar, obscure references that only I will get, and two scoops of daily fiber with your morning breakfast

Hop aboard for herpes!

* The NBA draft happened last night, and well no one seemed content with their picks. OJ Mayo was traded along with the Manatee that was Antoine Walker for the great white dope Kevin Love. Richard Jefferson was traded for YI Jianwhatever. Derrick Rose went #1 and will return to the mean streets of Chicago, while Michael Beasley will be in M-I-A. The HAHAHAHAHA New York HAHAHAHAHA Knicks drafted Danillo Gallinari.

* The Celtics selected a great character player in JR Gidden, who was thrown off of Bill Self’s Kansas team after repeated violation of team rules. Hey he could be Len Bias, or he could be a stronger James Posey… after we won the title can’t we give Ainge a little bit of slack? In the second round the Celtics traded a bag of money for the rights to Bill Walker and his shoddy ACL’s and some large guy from Turkey who won’t be around for a few years.

* My boy Brian Runge was suspended by MLB for bumping Mets manager Jerry Manuel. What kind of backward ass world is this where umps bump managers? I can’t wait for the day when CB Bucknor choke slams Ozzie Guillen.

* Shawn Chacon was released by the Houston Astros after beating the crap out of General Manager Ed Wade. So let me get this straight: if I pummel my boss I could lose my job?

NBA Draft Liveblog

Posted in GHABBY, Guys with girls names, I feel old, NBA Draft on June 27, 2008 by hzmls

1. Derrick Rose – CHI – If Rose is Chris Paul Version 2.0, then who gets to play the David West Memorial “frontcourt guy whose stats become inflated due to a superior point guard? I’m thinking Aaron Gray. And why in God’s name did they let Stephen A. Smith do the personal interviews again? It makes no sense to reward these kids, on the happiest day of their young lives, by being yelled at by a retarded man.
2. Michael Beasley – MIA – Look kids, the next Derrick Coleman, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Maybe it’s just cause I don’t trust a guy who always looks like he’s sleeping. Also, I ‘m glad to see that New Era is rolling out the “Hideous Collection” of hats this year. Meanwhile, Pat Riley looks like his cat just died.
3. OJ Mayo – MIN – Now playing the role of OJ Mayo: Farnsworth Bentley, minus the umbrella. Seriously though, this guy’s going to be an absolute star, especially now that he can start accepting financial gifts without fear of NCAA recourse.
4. Russell Westbrook – SEA – This pick was dumber than a retard bus going backwards on a one-way road. It was dumber than Lamar Odom in reading class. It was dumber than the plot to the new Indiana Jones movie. With the fourth pick, you probably should get someone who can shoot or dribble, especially if he’s going to be playing the point. It’s like they’re purposefully trying to give Kevin Durant a heart attack before he turns 25.
5. Kevin Love – MEM –My roommate just saw Love and said “hey, look, K-Fed.” So he’s got that going for him. Brian Cardinal has also gotta be fucking psyched that he has someone to go to the movies with. As opposed to Mike Conley and Rudy Gay, who will spend the rest of the season screaming “catch up motherfucker!”
6. Danilo Gallinari – NYK – AHAHAHAHAHA. Knicks fans are shitting all over Big Cock, and he made it even worse by stumbling through his interview. Here’s hoping that Gallinari embraces the boos and turns into a 70’s style foreign wrestling villain, singing the Italian national anthem while attempting to spit on the US flag. There’s an 83% chance he’ll be mugged within the next two weeks.
7. Eric Gordon – LAC – Nice to see that the kid who played Webster is going back to Los Angeles, no matter how much Stephen A. tries to convince us that he’s a “bad man.” Yeah, bad for a first grader. And between Gordon, Al Thornton and Corey Maggette jacking up shots, Elton Brand may be currently filming a hostage video to get himself out of LA.
8. Joe Alexander – MIL – I wasn’t sure about this pick, until I saw someone holding a sign that said “Joe Alexander – Vanilla Sky.” God, I really don’t ask much of you, but can you please make this nickname stick?
9. D.J. Augustin – CHA – Huh? I know Raymond Felton isn’t exactly a world-beater, but a 5-10 guard isn’t exactly what this team needs. Michael Jordan must have bet someone that he could fuck up a team worse than the Wizards. Though I must say, it is funny to see Brook Lopez cry like he’s watching one of his hundreds of Disney movies.
10. Brook Lopez – NJN – Nenad Kristic, Josh Boone, DeSagana Diop, Yi Jianlan, Sean Williams and now Lopez? It’s like the Nets are purposefully accumulating players over 6-10 who possess little to no ability to score a basket in the NBA. Good luck with alllll that.
11. Jerryd Bayless – IND – Bayless is a great value pick, and he can sit behind TJ Ford and learn the position until the time comes when Ford falls on his head again and becomes John Graziano. Bayless’s all-white ensemble is also our leader in the clubhouse for Suit of the Night. NOTE later traded to Portland
12. Jason Thompson – SAC – A bit of a stretch here, as the Kings probably could have traded down ten or so spots and still picked up Thompson. He’s big, strong, and may get stabbed by Ron Artest. By the way, Rider’s most famous alumni: Digger Phelps.
13. Brandon Rush – POR – If Kansas loses the national championship game, Rush is a second-rounder. Let’s hope he doesn’t drink himself out of the league like his brother JaRon. Good thing nobody’s ever picked up a substance habit in Portland. NOTE later traded to Indiana
14. Anthony Randolph – GS – It’s nice to see the Warriors reach out to the country’s anorexics by picking Randolph. Dude makes Manute Bol look like Oliver Miller.
15. Robin Lopez – PHO – Shaq’s going to dunk on this guy so much during practice that he may actually be able to tell us exactly how Shaq’s ass tastes. A horrifically stupid pick, especially with Donte’ Green on the board. Mama Lopez looks like every elementary school art teacher ever.
16. Marreese Speights – PHI – Speights goes to the GREATEST UNIVERSITY EVER, WAAAY BETTER THAN YOURS though I’ll admit I could be somewhat biased. (You guys are going to absolutely hate my Gator-centrism during football season) Speights’ potential is absolutely off the charts, and if his nasty habit of sometimes “being really fucking lazy” can be broken, the Sixers will have themselves a helluva power forward. Worst case, he’s better Jason Smith or Shavlik Randolph.
17. Roy Hibbert – IND – Hey, look kids, it’s the black Bryant Reeves! That should go well.
18. JaVale McGee – WAS – McGee has a 7-6 wingspan, which means he can high-five two people who are standing very far away from each other. I just asked, and my girlfriend won’t let me name our first child “JaVale.”
19. J.J. Hickson – CLE – “Must Improve: Work Ethic.” Sure, because that’ll keep LeBron in Cleveland past 2010.
20. Alexis Ajinca – CHA – This guy couldn’t average more than five points per game in the French league. Charlotte had two picks in the first round, and somehow made their team worse. Thank God that Diabetic Counterculture Hero Adam Morrison will be making his triumphant return this year, leading to the Bobcats to victory that will in no way involve premature tears. And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I own two Morrison jerseys.
21. Ryan Anderson – NJN – This guy looks like the entire starting five for Lynnfield High. the way, this was the Mavs’ pick from the Jason Kidd trade. Has a trade ever negatively affected both teams involved as much as that one? Also, Darrell Arthur’s mother should not be wearing that shirt – it’s like her arms just went swimming. Speaking of sweat, my taint was just registered as national wetland.
22. Courtney Lee – ORL – Lee is the fourth player with a girl’s name to be selected tonight, behind Brook, Robin and Alexis. Actually, he may be the fifth, as I’m not sure what the hell “Danilo” means, or whether “Marreese” is actually gender-neutral.
23. Kosta Koufous – UTA – In the fine tradition of Greg Ostertag and Mark Eaton, Koufous will fill the role of “awkward and immobile Jazz center.” He also looks like he’s 12 years old, which is roughly the fifth time I’ve seen a player’s picture tonight and thought “wait, how the hell is he old enough to be drafted by the NBA.” God I feel old.
24. Serge Ibaka – SEA – The last basketball player I remember being named Serge was former UNC center Serge Zwikker, who was Dutch and useless. This Serge is from the Congo, so I don’t think they’re related.
25. Nicolas Batum – HOU – JESUS CHRIST THEY ALL LOOK LIKE CHILDREN! AND ITS MAKING ME HATE MYSELF. This one happens to be a French child with no handle that happens to play the same position as Tracy McGrady. Chances are we won’t be seeing him in the US until he’s at least old enough to grow facial hair.
26. George Hill – SAS – Nice to see someone from IUPUI drafted in the first round. If you turn IUPUI into a word, it sounds like “Eweey-Pooey.”
27. Darrell Arthur – POR – Apparently he has some sort of kidney problem, which may be related to his mother’s sweaty giant arm problem. ESPN mentioned that she was a truck driver, but they happened to forget that she was also the World’s Strongest Man:
28. Donte’ Green – MEM – Not to be confused with former Celtic Dontae’ Jones. That Dontae’ set the bar by playing 15 games in his career, but this Donte’ may be slightly better.
29. D.J. White – DET – Between Jason Maxiell, Antonio McDyess, Rasheed Wallace and now White, the Pistons have won the award for “frontcourt you’d least like to make angry under any circumstances.” Joe Dumars isn’t building a team, he’s building a bodyguard rotation.
30. J.R. Giddens – BOS – Giddens already has something in common with Paul Pierce – both were stabbed outside of bars. Giddens apparently a giant douchebag and was kicked off of two separate college basketball teams, so I suggest they immediately lock him in a room with KG and let Garnett beat the shit out of him until he promises to behave.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a taint to air out.