Archive for August, 2008

Enjoy rotting on the IR you sack of crap

Posted in Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, NY Giants can suck my balls, Osi HumanUrine on August 31, 2008 by hzmls

Want to watch some really bad freestyle rap aimed at Tom Brady? This is Osi HumanUrine last month on the Mike and Mike Show (minus both Mikes), when encouraged to drop a Shaq esque free style rap at Tom Brady, he delivers a pile of shit of epic proportions. Osi, you have a year to work on your rap skills, because right now you are on the level of Mike Jones. And that ring? Yeah, enjoy that its the only one you are ever going to get. Mark it in your books the Giants are not going to even be a .500 team this year.



ZOMG UPDATE: Michael Bowden to debut for Red Sox tomorrow evening!

Posted in futuremrsrickankiel, hottie prospects, Jed might have some competition, Raquel, Red Sox, this is what happens when the boys aren't around to stop me from posting on August 30, 2008 by hzmls

The Sox have announced tonight that tomorrow evening’s starter will NOT be the erstwhile-discussed David Pauley; rather, we of Red Sox Nation will at long last be treated to the major league debut of sizzling hot prospect MICHAEL BOWDEN.

Bowden is a simply smashing specimen after whom I’ve been pining since Spring Training. His 22nd birthday is coming up in just 2 weeks (!) and he’s been excellent in Portland thus far this year, posting a 9-4 record with a 2.33 ERA in 19 starts. The 6’3″, 215-pound righty [Ed. note: yee, I could get down with that] has an Okajima-like finish and excellent control along with a low 90s fastball and a nicely developing curve. Add to that 101 batters struck out in 104.1 innings, and, well, DAMN. Let’s take another look, just for good measure:

Yowza! Welcome to Fenway, Michael. I can’t wait to see you pitch tomorrow night!

And just look who it is:

Aaaannnnd the Sox just won, 8-0. What a night!

On Tap This Weekend: For Boston!

Posted in BC Eagles, futuremrsrickankiel, glittery logos, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, Raquel, Red Sox, yay college football on August 29, 2008 by hzmls

The push for the pennant continues this weekend as the Sox head back to Fenway Park with a roster consisting almost entirely of PawSox players and Mark Kotsay. futuremrsrickankiel previews the series.

Red Sox v. White Sox. A quick glance at the AL Central-leading Chisox’ website reveals that their official chase-for-the-pennant slogan is “SHARE THE PASSION. SHOW THE SWAGGER.” Um, whatever THAT means. Sounds like a recipe for some serious fisticuffs on the South Side, if you ask me. But, I guess that’s why I’m not a dipshit who works for We’re very evenly matched against Chicago, honestly, which makes me sad because Chicago is kind of crappy. Hopefully, though, this weekend will be an opportunity to gain some ground on the (goddamn) Rays so we can just win the division already and stop dicking around in the wildcard standings. One thing these Sox clearly know how to do is win at home, so welcome back to Fenway, boys! Onto the match-ups:

Friday, 6:05 pm. Yawnable but competent righty Javier Vazquez (10-11, 4.37) against Daisuke Matsuzaka (15-2, 2.98), who looked — wait, what’s the opposite of good? That. — in his last start. The Red Sox have hit pretty well against Vazquez in the past and Matsuzaka went 8 innings in his last start against the White Sox, so the outlook for tonight’s game is good.

Saturday, 7:05 pm. With Beckett out of the lineup until who knows when, Boston will send righty David Pauley (0-0, 10.38) to the mound. Don’t let that horrendous-looking line fool you; Pauley’s a more-than-capable pitcher who’s yet to settle into his major-league groove. He looked excellent at the Fenway Futures game, and while he’ll never be a shut-down pitcher, he works efficiently and has greatly improved his control this year. He’ll face Mark Buehrle (11-10, 3.86). MY GOD THE WHITE SOX ARE SO BORING.

Sunday, 1:35 pm. Tim Wakefield (8-8, 3.73) will do that knuckle-balling thing he does against Gavin Floyd (14-6, 3.70). BOO I WANTED JOHN DANKS. Here he is, because it’s my blog and I can do what I want.

But wait! There’s more!

Heaven be praised for the return of NCAA football this weekend. HMLS is your one-stop shop for all things BC Eagles-related:

Boston College vs. Kent State at Cleveland Browns Stadium, 7:30pm.

If you are part of the 0.2% of Massachusetts that actually cares about college football (GHABY gives 25 great reasons why you should), and specifically BC, this is a huge weekend. Not because of our opponent (we should have no problem massacring a defenseless Kent State), but because this is the first game of the year! Don’t get too excited though. If you don’t have ESPNU (I certainly don’t) you can’t watch the game! WOOOOOHOOOO. Anyway, there are big changes for BC coming into this season: a new starting QB in Chris Crane, a new running back in the very quick Josh Haden, and a lot of other new faces on the offensive line. Expectations seem low for the Eagles… no one is expecting much out of them this year. To be honest, I think they are going to be good this year. Call it blatant homerism or just stupidity, but I think they will crack the Top 25 and make it to another shitty bowl again.

No matter how much I fellate this team, their weaknesses are pretty apparent. Crane has only started two games since being at the Heights, and the ACC is very good this year. What better way to start off a season, though, then getting to beat on a team that is immensely inferior to you? Kent State spent most of last season getting slaughtered by their opponents… it was as if the had no weapons and the other team had rifles. Ok, enough of the Kent State jokes… they are a little tacky (but would you expect anything less here at MH?).

The real strength that BC will be working with is their defense. The front line of Ron Brace and BJ Rajii will not only be enormous, weighing in at close to 700 pounds, but should give the D a strong force against the run and pass. 35-year-old senior Brian Toal will return for his final season at the Heights, and again will add great leadership to the younger linebackers and run over opposing D’s as the teams FB on the goal line. One quick request: BRIAN TOAL CAN U STAY HEALTHY PLZ? K! THNX. If BC is going to win games this year, it’s going to have to be with their defense; the offense has looked shaky in camp and will crumble even more against good D’s like Wake Forest, the U, and Clemson. I love out-of-conference games… this year BC gets URI, Central Florida and Kent State. Three easy wins against teams that have no chance against a D1 school. BC will shoot and stomp all over the Hippies of Kent State and pull off an easy win, 21-6.

That’s all for the weekend, folks! Everybody enjoy your Labor Day, and remember: if they texted you first, it’s not stalking.

The World Outside of Mass Hysteria: Carlton, Carlton, wherefore art thou Carlton?

Posted in Carlton Fisk love poems, Hazel Maes Landing strip, hot baseball players FMRA wants to oil, HZMLS, random shit on August 29, 2008 by hzmls

* Someone puts together a montage of his favorite teams set to “Born to Run.” There is no rhyme or reason to any of this [Ed. note: but believe me when I say that IT IS AWESOME — futuremrsrickankiel]. [Walk off Walk]

* Carlton Fisk and love: interchangeable concepts? [You Will Not Believe]

* The 2008 Handsome Man Team is here! Featuring a few guest spots by futuremrsrickankiel. [Snobs v Slobs]

* All of you heard Jay Mariotti left his job in Chicago. Rumors floated that he was coming to Boston, but those were unfounded. Now that he is out of a job, what other career options exist for our favorite talking head? [Top Ten Chicago]

* Dubbschism ponders: are Yankees fans too tough on A-Rod and not tough enough on their Herpes-infested SS? [The Ejected Fan]

* I Know Deadspin hit on this yesterday, but it deserves another look. This kid is already the hardest motherfucker I have ever seen.

Kid Falls Over Home Run Fence – Watch more free videos

Wrestlers of Yore: Virgil

Posted in GHABBY, racist stereotypes, this is not gay porn, Wrestlers of Yore on August 29, 2008 by hzmls

With Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last night coming on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, it is certainly an appropriate time to think about African-American history, and their progress in American society since the shameful days of slavery. Whether you agree with Obama’s politics or not, you must admit that his candidacy is certainly ground-breaking, and that America has a very strong chance of electing their first African-American president. If you had asked a slave owner in the 1840s what they thought African-Americans would be doing now, “running for President” would probably be last on their list. In fact, their view of the future would probably look a little something like this:

For those unfamiliar, the figure in the background is Mike Jones, better known as Virgil, the “manservant” of the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase. Virgil would perform such tasks as carrying DiBiase’s money, shining his boots (and occasionally kissing them), chauffering his master, and holding DiBiase’s clothes while he wrestled. Virgil, named as such to mock WCW creative head Virgil “Dusty Rhodes” Runnels, never spoke, or even wore a shirt under his sparkling vest. Sadly, this wasn’t even the most racist African-American stereotype going on in the WWF at the time:

Yes, that’s a spear in his hand.

Of course, Virgil would eventually turn on DiBiase, hitting him with the Million Dollar Belt (the coolest belt EVER by the way). However, being a black man in the ‘90s WWF, Virgil obviously couldn’t be counted on to have the brains or talent to win on his own, so he employed the help of the so-white-he-wore-a-kilt Roddy Piper, who taught him the complicated “punch people with your fists” wrestling technique, as well as how to wear wrestling pants that accentuated your man-bulge. This master technique would lead to Virgil getting his comeuppance on DiBiase, winning the Million Dollar Belt from him at Summerslam ’91.

Virgil would lose the Million Dollar Belt back to DiBiase a few months later, and would languish in the lower card for the rest of his WWF stay. He would then sign with WCW in 1996, and was given the name “Vincent,” to make fun of WWF head Vince McMahon. Vincent served as the “head of security” for the nWo, and was never really allowed to talk. He would later change his name to “Curly Bill” and join the West Texas Rednecks faction, completing the triumvirate of embarrassment. Not only was he the butt of two inside jokes, but he was now a black redneck in a group that recorded the song “Rap is Crap.” And if those weren’t enough to make you feel bad for Mike Jones, the following picture of loneliness from a recent wrestling convention, will:

Despite having no fans and a series of terrible gimmicks, Jones can take solace in one thing. According to wrestling lore, Jones was hired by the WWF in the first place not due to his wrestling ability or fan-friendly look, but because of the fact that he unfurled his reportedly 11” dong on the table in front of WWF executive Pat Patterson, who hired him on the spot. Stories of Jones’ “largesse” have been confirmed by a number of wrestlers, who noted that groupies would often run screaming after seeing the gargantuan “Little Virgil.” It’s ironic– the man who was made to portray so many negative black stereotypes is widely known backstage for portraying a positive one, that of the black man with the giant penis. Martin Luther King Jr. would be proud.

Late Breakfast With The Hysterics

Posted in APNDR, Here Comes Krokus To Kick Their Ass, Music on August 29, 2008 by hzmls

Sorry, I just had to counter FMRA’s Madonna suckfest with…..


(It’s the Night of the Living Bands That Suck….)

Breakfast With The Hysterics!

Posted in awkward slow dances, Breakfast, futuremrsrickankiel, Patriots, Raquel, Red Sox on August 29, 2008 by hzmls

* Jason Giambi and his hideous mustache stomped all over the Sox’ sweep dreams, first tying it up with a 2-run homer off Okajima in the 7th and then smacking a bases-loaded single off Papelbon to win it for the Yanks 3-2 in the 9th. OMG THE YANKEES WON THE LAST GAME AT YANKEE STADIUM AGAINST THE RED SOX IT’S LIKE FATE OR SO… blech, sorry, can’t keep that shit up. Yankee Stadium is dead, long live Yankee Stadium. It’s not about where they play the games, son. It’s about who wins ’em.

* SIGH. Josh Beckett was once again scratched from his start tonight in favor of Daisuke Matsuzaka in order to go visit a doctor about his persistent elbow troubles. Hey Doc, I think I’ve got “suddenly stopped knowing how to be a dominant pitcher.” You got anything for that?

* No surprises here: The Patriots dropped their final preseason game 19-14 thanks to utterly lackluster performances from The Matts and an offense that seemed to have like eight tight ends on the field at once. Whatever. I’m not going to waste my energy on preseason game analysis. They won, we lost, David Carr is really pretty good when he’s not handcuffed to shitty teams, and a week from today I’ll be thinking about REAL football. YEARGH FOOTBAWL

/purchases beer
/makes appetizers
/carves out ass groove in couch
/plays several hours of Madden while wearing team jersey in preparation

* Speaking of football, all hail USC Gamecocks safety Emmanuel Cook, a man who just 6 days ago was arrested on a felony gun charge and yet still found it appropriate to drop and do pushups in celebration on the field last night for one of the more spectacular unsportsmanlike conduct flags I’ve seen thrown. A special prize for the first person who can send me a video of the incident so we can all enjoy it. Just don’t go reading Gamecocks fan forums as you look for it — I’ve been doing that for the past half hour and now I can’t do math.

I kind of liked our little musical interlude yesterday morning, so here we go again. We’ll slow things down a bit today. Everyone go grab someone to have an awkward slow dance with and report back here!