Archive for October, 2008

Mass Hysteria Fantasy Football Preview: Week 9

Posted in Fantasy Football Frivolty, grimey, guest columnists, It's Halloween so get down and eat my candy on October 31, 2008 by hzmls

Again our good friend Grimey picks up the ball and runs with it….

It’s Halloween weekend, and you know what that means… keeping your outside light turned off so all the neighborhood kids don’t knock on your door. This also prevents “ding dong ditching” (or as we lovingly call it here in the South, “n—-r knockin'”).

On to the racism-free picks!

… I have apologized to FMRA for suggesting that she pick up Ike Hilliard a few weeks back. J.T. O’Sullivan? That was her own fault.

By the way, the Tampa Bay defense that FMRA picked up in the 14th round? It’s scored three more points than the San Diego defense that she picked up in the third round. Just sayin’.

: Is Norfolk & Way the worst team in the league? BenJarvus Green-Ellis thinks so. So does Visanthe Shiancoe.

In my first draft of the year, I took Darren McFadden in the third round. This week I dropped him for Donnie Avery. So, um, yeah. There’s that.

FAT DRUNK AND STUPID (7-1) over HANGIN WITH MR DUNGY (2-5-1): In another one of my leagues, I have Matt Forte, Earnest Graham, and Anquan Boldin, just like Fat Drunk and Stupid does. Only Pepster’s team is 7-1, and my team is 3-5. The secret ingredient must be the gayness.

OSI HUMANURINE (3-4-1) over MY LITTLE PONIES (3-5): The rumors of Le’Ron McClain’s death have been gravely ACCURATE. Next week might be the right time for Smurphette to sell Michael Turner high.

THE WILD CARD (6-2) over COCKFLASHLISAOLSON (4-3-1): Everybody sing!

Donnie Avery had many sons /
And many sons had DON-nie Avery /
And I am one of them, and so are you /
So let’s just praise the Lord (RIGHT ARM!)

(And yes, I used to do this with Donnie Abraham’s name… how do you think this shit got started?)

(And for you heathens, it’s the Christian hokey pokey!)

PLASCHKE EATS PENIS (3-4-1) over LESSTHANJAKEDELHOMME (2-6): On behalf of everyone who didn’t pick up Josh Morgan off waivers and start him last week, I’d just like to say to HMLS BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but seriously I’m losing this week.

Here are the standings after 8 weeks


Wrestlers of Yore: Papa Shango

Posted in GHABBY, It's Halloween so get down and eat my candy, vomit, Wrestlers of Yore on October 31, 2008 by hzmls

On this Halloween, I found it fitting to profile a wrestler who has had to endure a litany of ridiculous fucking costumes. But whom do I choose? John Tenta, who had to play Earthquake and The Shark? Fred Ottman, who played Tugboat Thomas, Typhoon, U.S. Steel and the Shockmaster? Some of the forgettable mid-90s gimmicks of the Repo Man, T.L. Hopper the wrestling plumber, the Goon or Man Mountain Rock? Tony Atlas, an African-American who was forced to carry a spear and shield as Saba Simba?

All of these characters were obviously ridiculous, embarrassing and in some cases, quite racist, but only one man has had to endure a vast number of separate embarrassing characters (well, a few embarrassing and one pretty cool) in his WWF/E tenure: Charles Wright. You may better know him by his other names however, including Sir Charles, the Soultaker, Papa Shango, Kama the Supreme Fighting Machine, the Godfather or the forgettable Goodfather. Or by his current occupation, owner of the Las Vegas strip club Cheetah’s. That’s right kids, Papa Shango runs a titty bar.

According to the unshakeable source that is Wikipedia, Wright was “discovered” while bartending at the same bar where they filmed the epic arm wrestling film, “Over the Top.” Wrestlers involved in filming the Oscar-winner (as in the favored movie of the year by men named Oscar) told Wright that his large, tattooed body type would be perfect for the world of professional wrestling. Within a couple of years, Wright was wrestling as “The Soultaker” for Jerry Jarrett’s USWA.

From there, Wright’s friend Mark Calloway (better known to you and I as the Undertaker) recommended him to WWF management, where he was signed in 1991 and given the name “Sir Charles,” an obvious takeoff on NBA player Charles Smith.

Wright was repackaged the next year as Papa Shango, a voodoo practitioner who would cast “spells” on his opponents, causing them pain and making them vomit from afar. As the story goes, Shango ruined the ending to the epic Hulk Hogan/Sid Justice Wrestlemania 8 battle by being a few minutes late for his scheduled match run-in, causing Hogan and Justice to botch the match’s finish, causing Sid to inexplicably kick out of Hulk’s legdrop, an unplanned and anticlimactic action which helped serve as the beginning of the end of Hulkamania. All because Papa Shango was late getting to the ring. Way to go, voodoo asshole.

From there, Papa Shango would scar my youth by causing my hero, the Ultimate Warrior vomit neon green Nickelodeon Gak all over fake doctors, to the horror of myself and Lord Alfred Hayes:

After the Papa Shango character lost momentum, Wright was repackaged again as “Kama, the Supreme Fighting Machine,” a part of Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Corporation. Clearly, DiBiase was in need of punctuation, causing him to hire someone named Kama. Kama’s biggest feud came with the Undertaker, after he stole the Undertaker’s urn, melted it into a necklace, and then proceeded to lose 4,483 straight casket matches to the Undertaker for his actions.

Kama later was repackaged again as Kama Mustafa, a member of the Nation of Domination. The Nation, an all-African American stable, feuded with the all-white Disciples of Apocalypse and the all-Hispanic Los Boricuas in a period of WWF History I like to refer to as the “Race Wars.” And who won the Race Wars, you might ask? The lily-white Vince McMahon of course, who exploited his minority labor for profit.

After the Rich White Guy won the Race Wars, Wright was repackaged again as The Godfather, the WWF’s resident pimp. As part of this awesome gimmick, local strippers/whores would parade out to the ring with the Godfather, dancing around him while he brandished his pimp cane and a huge smile on his face. With such catch phrases as “Pimpin Ain’t Easy” and “All Aboard the Ho Train,” the Godfather and his hoes were an obvious favorite of the oft-masturbating teenage GHABB,Y, who liked to watch the boobies jiggle. I will now completely kill the mood by noting that the Godfather was the intended opponent of Owen Hart the night that he fell 70 feet to his death.

Wow, sorry guys, total buzzkill there, here’s some whores to cheer you up.

Due in much part to the Godfather character, McMahon was sued by the Parents Television Council for airing lewd and lascivious material, and tarnishing the unspoiled Christian eyes of this nation’s children. McMahon, being the button-pusher that he is, started a part-of-the-script faction called the “Right to Censor,” who wore white shirts and black ties that came out to the sound of shrill alarms and buzzers, and would rail against the liberal nature of the WWF. The Right to Censor, of course, would then get their asses handed to them, and their screen time would be given to scantily-clad women and “hardcore” wrestlers beating each other with Stop signs. In a travesty of justice, the Godfather joined the Right to Censor, renaming himself “The Goodfather” (get it? hyuk hyuk), and the hoes were sadly, gone. Soon too was Wright, made obsolete when the Parents Television Council dropped their lawsuit.

Since then, Wright has made occasional appearances on WWE television, occasionally reprising his “Godfather” character, often when wrestling tapings are filmed in Las Vegas, Wright’s home. Wright’s “hoes” this time are strippers at The Cheetah Club, the strip club that Wright owns in Vegas.

So let this be a lesson to all of you: if you play a fake pimp on TV, you can later own a strip club in real life. Just when you do so, make sure that you don’t injure any innocent Ultimate Warriors in the process, making them throw up Nickelodeon Gak.

Patriots, Eagles, and the Crypt Keeper

Posted in BC Eagles, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, NFL preview, Patriots on October 31, 2008 by hzmls

In an effort to put both of my previews into one clean post, and to force you to read about Boston College, both games will be previewed.

Boston College vs Clemson

A battle for the newly formed “Leather Helmet” award, Clemson hasn’t beaten BC in ages. Great job Grid Iron Club I can’t wait to see who wins this treasured award. What are we going to have next, “Catholic Irish Wealthy Kids Award” for BC-Notre Dame, or “Future Lawyers vs Future Clients Trophy” for BC-Florida State. I am going to go ahead and say this game is going to be VERY sloppy. If you decided to watch the game (again on ESPNU so 99% of you can’t even if you wanted to) you will be “treated” to two of the worst QB’s in the ACC. Cullen Harper was projected to be an elite college QB but with a TD/INT ratio of 1:1, he really hasn’t lived up to that. Don’t get me started on Chris Crane. Please don’t, he make me very angry. And you wont like me when I’m angry

Just because I love all of you, and want to spare you the boredom of a complete BC recap, I will go ahead and say that BC will win this game by 10, with about 6 turnovers in the game. At some point during this game my fiance will restrain me so I dont throw my coke bottle or cell phone at Chris Crane. I like the BC defense, even if they looked like the Lions last weekend. But if BC loses this game someone needs to keep me on 24 hour watch for my own safety.

Oh and by the way place kicker Billy Bennett was suspended indefinitely by the Eagles for an undisclosed reason:
a) impregnated a cheerleader (good old Catholics and their views on abortion)
b) got loaded, and got in a fight and went all Ryan Ohliger on a fan (who is Ohliger you may ask? He is an ex BC kicker thrown off the team after beating up a Superfan who taunted him for being a terrible FG kicker, which it was)

c)Course failure. Me fail English? Thats unpossible.

New England Patriots vs the Indianapolis Colts

Welcome to the Patriots preview my little minions, its your favorite ghoulball expert the Crypt Keeper! Mwahahahaha!!!!! This weekend the New England Rape-riots will fight to the death with the Indianapolis Cults! In this tale of gore and agony a young man Matt Cassel must overcome the tragic death of his predecessor TOM BRADY, what he doesn’t know is the Colts want him dead as well. MAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

The secondary of Ellis Hobb-Goblin and Brendon Stormy-weather will have their claws full against the evil Cults Wild Retrievers! The stakes will be high for these monsters, if they can not inflict some bodily pain on these ghouls, their souls will burn for eternity in Bill HELL-ichick’s Prison!!! Rat Cassell needs to execute on offense, or it will be his head on the chopping block! MAHAHA. If he wants to win this game he needs to pick apart a wounded Colts secondary, like a vulture tears apart a corpse. Randy Moss is my type of player, he wants to be the main go to guy, he reminds me of a young Frederick Kreuger before he the power and glamor went to his head.

As the clocks dies in the fourth quarter, I expect a close game. Because of his arm, and a face that looks closer to death, Peyton Mangling will be the victor. Though if he continues to eat like a swine, that nose tackle Vince Wil-fork over his soul over to me! If it is tied I propose an alternate solution, Peyton Mangling and Rat Cassel, pistols at dawn. Winner takes the game, loser forfeits his soul!!!

Happy Halloween Mass Hysteria

Posted in Breakfast, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, It's Halloween so get down and eat my candy on October 31, 2008 by hzmls

Last night was pretty slow in Boston sports with the only real event being the Bruins losing to Calgary (which resulted in a very angry text from FutureMrs). But today is Halloween, the one chance during the year for you to put on costumes and drink to your hearts content. I have my Matt Ryan costume all set, with my very prim hair, tailored suit and loafers and gee golly smile. There is a lot going on this weekend so be ready for a busy day at Mass Hysteria: the Pats will be facing off with the neutered Colts, the Celtics will be hosting Derrick Rose and the Bulls, and I’m sure the Bruins are playing a game at some point as well. And of course keep your eyes open for our fantasy football preview!

As a special treat for all of you boils and ghouls, I would like to introduce the MH Official Halloween Mascot. He is a white West Coast Rapper named GT. When I was a college radio DJ back in 2002, GT sent me a tape called “It’s Halloween”, he expressed that its goal was to become the official anthem of Halloween. I don’t even know where to begin with this song, the beat sounds like it was made on a CASIO keyboard, my grandmother could write better rhymes, and his metaphors are well HILARIOUS. If you can’t hear the song because you are work here is the chorus, but otherwise I encourage you to watch it:

“It’s Halloween so, get down and eat my candy
You’re such a bitch…bitch
But a nice looking witch…witch”

The song was so over the top bad that SmartyBarrett (who was my on air side kick) and I played it ALL the time. We made copies of it and sent it to friends, we played it at parties, hell we memorized the entire song. The great thing about GT was he was way too naive, he called into our radio show, where we would mock him openly.and He must have some kind of mental deficiency because he never caught on. We prank called him at home, got him to send us what must have been hundreds of copies of his CD and posters. He even fell in love with one of our friends, a girl he never met. The joke just never got old. GT put together a whole CD worth of his musical gems including “Get Down to Business Bitch” “Bounce Your Hoodies” “Dance Nasty” and the even better “Dance Nasty Remix”. He may never make it big, but to my group of friends GT has become what he always strove to be: a symbol of Halloween.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in Bruins, cupcakes for everyone who actually gets the Jack Edwards jokes, futuremrsrickankiel, Nightly Previews, Phaneuf is a huge bitch, Raquel on October 30, 2008 by hzmls

Bruins v. Flames, 9:00 pm. The Bruins head to Calgary for the final game of this road trip to face bad-ass netminder Miikka Kiprusoff and pretty-boy/lover of Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds Dion Phaneuf. No word yet on whether the Red Mile and its infamous bare-tittied ladies will be out celebrating if the Flames win tonight. Shirts off for Kiprusoff, gals! There’s a loonie in it for ya.

It’s too early in the season to start flipping out about division standings, but it’s worth noting that a win tonight will bring us into a tie for first place with Montreal Buffalo. So, like, yay for that.

Frivolous wager of the night: Jack Edwards’ gleeful shout of “AHHH, SUPERMAN!” during a more spectacular Tim Thomas save against Edmonton the other night has already garnered some notoriety. With Thomas in the net again tonight, here are the odds on what Edwards could be yelling:

“Ahhh, Batman!” 50:1
“Ahhh, Bananaman!” 200:1
“Ahhhhhhhhhndy!” 20:1
“Ahhh, stick a fork in it!” 5:1
“Ahhh [quote from abolitionist hymn and/or poem]!” 100:1
“Ahhh, I think I’m having a heart attack!” 2:1

Serious prediction of the night: There are two players on the ice tonight who are on fire (HAHA GET IT) right now: Flames captain Jarome Iginla, and Bruins goalie Tim Thomas. It’ll come down to defensive pressure on Iginla, who’s already had 2 6-shot games this season, to keep him from wearing out Thomas. That said, the Flames have gotten their asses kicked twice by the Canucks (one 1-6 loss, one 0-6 shutout… what the fuck is Kiprusoff doing with himself?!) and I say we beat ’em, 4-2.

This Week in Route 1 Football

Posted in BC Eagles, college football, Gator homerism, GHABBY, Route 1 on October 30, 2008 by hzmls

An IM conversation this week between myself and University of Georgia fan Matt_T, frequent Deadspin commenter and proprietor of DeadOn:

Matt_T: Remember the election in 2000, when people were too dumb to figure out how to punch a voting card? Those were all Florida Fans.

Ghabby: General Sherman shouldn’t have stopped at Atlanta when he was burning Georgia cities to the ground, he should have turned north and torched Athens while he was at it.

Matt_T: Florida Fans say Tebow’s tears cure cancer, but he cries like a bitch after each loss and we still have cancer.

Ghabby: Any fruit with fur on it is obviously gay. And peanuts aren’t supposed to be boiled, asshole.

Matt_T: A Florida fan’s idea of night on the town is putting on their finest sleeveless t-shirt, freshly pressed Jorts and running a comb through their mullet before heading to the Sizzler for dinner.

Ghabby: A Georgia fan’s idea of a night on the town is to comb his bangs, throw on his distressed backwards baseball cap with the frayed bill, strap on his mandals and cruise Buckhead for some roofied-up whore, who generally ends up giving him incomplete fellation due to whisky dick.

Matt_T: Wing House blows.

Ghabby: The Varsity is overrated, and Chick-Fil-A creeps me out.

Yes folks, it’s Georgia-Florida week, as we sit on the verge of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (not to be confused with The World’s Largest Indoor Cock and Tail Party, starring Lisa Sparxx and 57 dudes). Georgia fans hate Florida. Florida fans hate Georgia. Once a year, the twain meet halfway in the oversized suburb of Jacksonville, one covering half the stadium in Red and Black, and the other in Orange and Blue. Hateful epitaphs are thrown. Noncreative signs are drawn up. Much alcohol is imbibed. Even up here in Boston and away from the joyous Cocktail Party, it’s one of my favorite days of the year.

The rivalry (and probably the SEC East) will be settled this Saturday at 3:30, roughly when my girlfriend will begin pestering me about cleaning for that night’s Halloween Party. I will then, clad in my Reggie Nelson jersey with the BCS Championship patch, tell her to go fuck herself, earning at least a week of sleeping on the couch. GO GATORS!

In the meantime, we have some awards for last week to hand out, with an obvious eye towards this Saturday’s battle between Tebow and Stafford, Knowshon and Demps/Rainey, and Shitty Defense and Shitty Defense.

Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award: As an enterprising researcher, I attempted to spend last Sunday at Bostonville Grille, Route 1’s “other” sports bar with a million TVs and a grease-only menu. And I must say, beloved readers, it sorely disappointed. First, it not only did not have Hooters Wings which I love so dear, but the food in general tasted like it was garnished by the dingleberries of a homeless man’s asshole. The beer was watery. The waitresses were sans vaginal breezeway. It was noisy, not in the “Fun Sports Bar” sort of way, but in the “Oh my god give me an Excedrin Migrane Now” Chuck-E-Cheese sort of way. I do not plan to return.

Not a ringing endorsement

Anyways this week’s Real Fucking Deal Awards happens to go to Texas Tech, who hung 63 on a ranked Kansas team, as well as this week’s Cocktail Party participants, Georgia and Florida. The Dawgs handled LSU much in the way the Gators did, scoring 52 in a relatively sloppy game, led by that godforsaken Knowshon’s 163 yards. The blessed Gators, meanwhile, played the perfect game against Kentucky, blocking THREE kicks in the first 16 minutes of the game, en route to a 63-5 nailbiter. The Gators have now scored 152 points in their last three games, all against SEC opponents. Why? Because they piss greatness and ejaculate perfection, that’s why.

Russo’s Candy House Closing “Well, That Sucks” Award – Haven’t had to break out this award in a while, but the near certainty of a mediocre Penn State squad probably making the BCS Championship earns a “Well, That Sucks” akin to the closing of my childhood diabetes-producing factory. Vegas odds on the BCS Championship are already (Team That’s Not Penn State) favored by at least 17 over Grampa Paterno’s bunch. Name me three Penn State players. Yeah, didn’t think so.

I heard that Bill Bellami is a funny fello

Kowloon’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – I done toleded you that Texas/Oklahoma State would be one of the most fun games of the year, and bah gawd was I right. The game was back-and-forth for 60 minutes, and if Zac Robinson had only five more yards on his deep ball, we might be talking about a new Number 1 team right now. Texas, who had impressed the shit out of me in their previous wins over ranked teams, seemed to genuinely struggle against the Cowboys, both due to the strong Okie State defense and the fact that Mack Brown really isn’t a very good coach. Now, he hasn’t had to be all year when winning games by 30 points apiece, but that’s the sort of thing that could eventually bite Texas in the ass in a close game. I mean, did you see him fuck up that last-minute drive? Deplorable.

Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – This week’s Epic Fail goes to the entire Big East, which should rank just below the Sun Belt this year as far as power conferences go. Remember South Florida? They lost to an unranked Louisville team. 17th ranked Pitt? Got smoked by Rutgers, and not even Rutgers with Ray Rice either. West Virginia, they of losses to East Carolina and Colorado, is now leading the Big East. Connecticut is second. This conference blows.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Scares Me Award – Did you know that Minnesota is 7-1? Minne-fucking-sota! And gieven the aforementioned shittiness of the Big 10, there’s a distinct chance that the Golden Gophers may be playing in the Rose Bowl this year, provided they get past Northwestern and Wisconsin. This is a team that went 1-11 last year, and who added a decent-but-not-great recruiting class. I think that says everything you need to know about the Big 10.

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – This week’s Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being award goes to North Carolina Wide Receiver Hakeem Nicks. What, HZMLS, you really thought I’d go the whole column without mentioning BC’s pwning? Nicks scored four touchdowns against the wildly successful defensive secondary of BC, who are all now being treated for whiplash and PTSD. For squashing the hopes and dreams of HZMLS , his family, loved ones and fellow BC alumni, you are entitled to the famous Hilltop Filet Mignon, seasoned with the tears of Superfans worldwide.

An Open Letter to Philly Fans

Posted in 2008 MLB playoffs, GHABBY, knowledge bombs, Phillies, waxing philosophical on October 30, 2008 by hzmls

Dear Philadelphia Fans,

As you finally enjoy your first championship in more than a generation, I first want to extend a hearty congratulations to all of you, on behalf of the city and fans of Boston. Both your team and your city deserve this.

We’re not that dissimilar, Boston and Philly, and it is through those similarities that I write you this letter. We’re both four-sport Northeastern cities with rabid fan bases. Great sitcoms (Cheers and Always Sunny) are/were based in our respective cities. We’re both plagued with shitty weather and an even shittier selection of good-looking women. Our baseball teams feature oversized jovial power hitters, second basemen who fill up every aspect of the stat sheet, and lights-out closers. We both started the American Revolution. We both really fucking hate New York.

So it is from that kindred spirit that I wish to issue you, the people of Philadelphia a warning, as you finally enjoy your first championship since 1983: don’t turn into douchebags. Trust me, we as Bostonians speak from experience.

In fact, the five of us founded this site because so many of our local brethren had been corrupted by championship, spoiled by the power of winning, that douchebaggery and entitlement took them over, causing them to be insufferable to not only those around them locally, but the entire nation. Winning is a powerful thing, but power can corrupt.

It’s hard to explain exactly how, but winning a championship changes many in a fanbase. The thrill of the chase is no longer there, that void is filled instead with an odd sense of satisfaction and an addictive sense of more, more, more. Soon after the glow wears off, some people’s thoughts will immediately drift to “well, if we keep the team intact, there’s no excuse for us not to win next year as well, and then the year after that, and the year after that…” Many of your fans will come to expect, nay, demand championships, year after year, and become insufferable when that does not happen. God knows it’s happened here, and it makes the smaller, rational percentage of our fans embarrassed to be associated with the irrational large percentage of our fanbase that has spent the last week inexplicably calling for Francona’s job, or thinking the sky is falling because Brady got hurt. These people feel that now that we’ve won one (or more than one in this particular case), every season’s championship is our right. Winning even more championships only makes their insufferability worse, furthering their sense of entitlement. I mean look at Yankees fans: 26 championships and they’re complete fucking pricks, the lot of them.

So, if I as a Boston fan can give you any advice for the next few days/weeks, it’s to enjoy this impending championship for what it is. Soak in every moment, every instant of the next few days, because it’s what you’ll be telling your children about in the future. Buy every possible t-shirt, hat and DVD that says “Phillies World Champions.” Laugh, cheer, and drink until you lose all feeling in your extremities.

But weeks from now, when that glow wears off and you start looking forward, be it towards the Sixers or the Eagles or next season’s Phils, take the road less traveled, and the road certainly not traveled by most of the people up here: don’t turn into an expectant douchebag with a sudden sense of entitlement. The rest of the country will thank you, and you’ll be a better fanbase for it.