Archive for November, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving From the Hysterics!

Posted in Hazel Maes Landing strip, holiday cheer and beer, HZMLS, thanksgiving on November 27, 2008 by hzmls

Happy Thanksgiving from Mass Hysteria Each editor sat down and considered what we are thankful for.
GHABBY!
I’m thankful for…

Tim Tebow, for creating the universe in six days and throwing for 350 yards with two passing TDs and three rushing TDs on the seventh…

The Strongbow, Woodchuck and Magners companies for creating highly alcoholic beverages with 1/3 of the carbohydrates of beer…

Televised violence, be it real or scripted by nature…

The fact that people record things that the Iron Sheik says…

Natural breasts between a C and D cup…

The elliptical machine, the stairmaster and the exercise bike, all of which have helped me lose 25lbs in the past two months, with the help of Iron Maiden’s Rock in Rio live album…

The fact that the Celtics only have to play Carmelo Anthony twice this year…

20 Hooters wings, mild, breaded, all drums and with extra ranch and celery…

Paul Pierce and Randy Couture, the two toughest bastards since Frank A. Gotch…

The simultaneous Epic Fail seasons of Georgia, Tennessee, Florida State, Miami and LSU…

Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe being the two most intimidating black men ever…

Kristen Bell and Mary-Louise Parker, who are responsible for the death of literally billions of my future children…

Insulin, sweet sweet insulin…

Percy Harvin, Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps being faster than Justine Colby in sixth grade…

The fact that Tyler Hansbrough will be a worse pro than Brian Cardinal…

The Rocky IV training montage being on Youtube, for whenever I’m feeling unmotivated…

That part in a porn when she rides reverse cowgirl and you can see her tits bouncing up and down while her back is arched and she has that “I’m being filled out like an application” look on her face, and sometimes she’ll slow the rhythm and do the squirm thing and, well, you get the gist…

Banner 17, and the fact that my liver survived it.

futuremrsrickankiel
is thankful for…
Her brand-new Tim Thomas third jersey, which she will be wearing when her Bruins wear them for the first time at the game this Friday afternoon;

The Magic Hat sampler currently sitting in her fridge;

Glittery logos;

Soy lattes of all shapes and sizes, but particularly the seasonal varieties (e.g. pumpkin spice and gingersnap);

Boys with freckles and long curly eyelashes;

Her ability, which occasionally comes as a shock even to her, to suspend her otherwise rampant cynicism in the name of holiday cheer;

and her little brother and sister.


A Pimp Named DaveR

I’m thankful….

— That I still have a job, and don’t have to rely on MH to pay my bills. Because, you know, it don’t pay nuttin.

— That my mancrush on Jason Bay has not yet resulted in any restraining orders.

— That if anyone had to win the World Series other than the Sox, it was the Phillies.

— That large concrete slabs have not fallen on me while driving through Boston.

— That I did not attend the meatfest for GHABB,Y’s birthday and pick up the Intestinal Virus from Hades.

— That the Red Sox’s organizational hearts grew three sizes that day, and they decided NOT raise the highest ticket prices in the league the week the stock market was losing 45,000 points.

— That the Tom Brady injury has shown that it’s the organizational system, not any one individual player, that has led to the Pats’ success.

— For family, loved ones, fellow bloggers, and so forth. Happy holiday!

Worthington P. Foxtrotty

Felicitations of the Thanks-giving, dear friends! I bring ye the good tidings of myself and my noble employer, the Boston Daily American and Irish-Abuser! The gentlefolk at this establishment have prevailed upon me to contribute a list of blessings for which I consider myself thankful this year. I am happy to comply forthwith! In the year past, I, Worthington Praseodymium Foxtrotty, give thanks to our Lord and Saviour for:

• The Potato Famine, which hopefully will rid us of the Irish scourge within our life-times!
• The moneychanging Jew who cashes my pay-checques on the second Friday of each month with dispatch. May you thrive and prosper, Son of the Tribes of David!
• The Dread Pirate Ramirez exscaping to the Alta California, and no longer molesting the name of our fair Boston Red Stockings!
• The exploits of the Greek Hebrite Youkilis and the diminutive Portugee Pedroia, each of whom was worthy of laudation in this past season of bases-ball!
• The passing of my bout of cholera in under three weeks!
• The demonic Babbage device that the proprietors of the “Mass Hysteria” journal have provided for me to conduct “browsing” on the “inter-net”! What magicks!
• The British Empire, which has done more to civilize the savages (save the Irish) than any other force in recorded history! Carry your burden proudly, noble white man!
• The great Mr. Lincoln, for enabling gentlemen of colour like my good friend, the Free Negro Ortiz, to walk amongst us as freed-men!
• Tincture of laudanum.

May the cold of winter claim none of your children this year, dear friends!

Smarty Barrett
I’m thankful:

For epic 8-run comebacks that remind us why we fell in love with baseball in the first place.

For gluten-free pizza and gluten-free beer.

For Matt Cassel, which will surely provide us with some assorted excitements in the coming months.

For Question 2.

For FutureMrsRickAnkiel for teaching me about hockey. Next up: what is “icing”?

That some people think Jimmy Baron is better than Tyler Hansbrough.

For YouPorn. Enough said.

For newer and geekier stats!

For GHABB,Y~!’s drunk posts…because the sheer entertainment of reading them makes me want to get drunk myself.

For the Detroit Lions, who remind me that it could always be worse.

For the great state of Rhode Island, providing sports fans with Dan Wheelers and Will Blackmons and Rocco Baldellis for over 200 years.

For karaoke, which has allowed me to showcase my incredibly white but incredibly entertaining rapping abilities.

That HzMLS petitioned the other Hysterics on my behalf, and that I was able to join this fine orgy of Boston sports blogging. It is some of the most fun I’ve ever had.

HZMLS
is thankful:

* For sitting in Section B at Alumni Stadium, so even if BC is getting their ass handed to them, I have at least 10 cheerleaders to watch and salivate over

* Jarod Mayo, for becoming the meast I always thought he would be. In my dreams I envision him shattering every bone in Brett Favre’s body in the playoffs. How sweet that would be.

* That gas is now 1.85 a gallon. True my entire retirement fund is completely gone, but now it only cost me 20 bucks to fill my tank!

* The Kevin Garnett post game 6 interview with Michelle Tafoya. A combination of completely incoherent and FUCKING AWESOME

* For Guitar Hero and Rockband, which allows me to simultaneously rip a solo in Enter Sandman and be a complete loser all at the same time.

* That with every roster move, Theo Epstein is solidifying the public’s belief that Boston hates black people.

* Bars that are within walking distance, so I never have to be concerned how I will be getting home

* Matt Ryan > Dan Marino, Peyton Manning & Terry Bradshaw COMBINED.

* That Artie Lange is somehow still alive even after years of constant heroin, cocaine, food, and alcohol abuse and still be one of the worlds best comics. How anyone’s body can withstand that much destruction is beyond me.

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Celtics This Week

Posted in Axl Rose in spandex, Celtics, GHABBY, I'd still lie down in traffic for Pierce, the Celtics are playing better than mid-80s Eddie Van Halen on November 26, 2008 by hzmls

1998 Teenage Livejournal Blog Mood for This Week Bubbly, like when he decided to hold my hand midway through High School Musical 3.

MySpace Icons

The C’s are bubbly and filled with the bliss of a five-game winning streak, three blowout wins in the last week, and a 13-2 record that leads the Eastern Conference. The C’s easily dispatched Detroit, Minnesota and Toronto this week, and with games coming up against Golden State, Philly and Charlotte, Your defending NBA Champion Boston Celtics could be 16-2 heading into next Monday’s tilt with the always-tough Magic. The Detroit win was especially uplifting, as the C’s solidified the Pistons as their veritable Bitches, even with new addition Allen Iverson. In fact, the legendary AI got owned by the maturing-faster-than-Soleil Moon Frye Rajon Rondo, who outscored the Answer 18-16 and forced AI and Facemask McRipmilton into seven combined turnovers. Good thing Detroit has its strong auto industry to fall back on…oh, wait, nevermind.


Jack Donaghy MVP of the Week – This week’s MVP may surprise you, given my previous abject hatred of this player’s game and all he stood for, but I’m swallowing my pride and naming Tony Allen as the C’s MVP of the week. TA, for the most part, has filled the James Posey Memorial Bench Jolt of Electricity role quite admirably, especially in the last three games, where he’s averaged 14 points and nearly five rebounds, all in limited minutes. TA’s Per-48 splits are equally impressive, as he’s putting up nearly 22 points per 48 minutes of play. Best yet, Ol Number 42 is shooting 51% from the field, as opposed to last year’s 43% and 1,540 instances of me shouting “Jesus Christ Tony, why the Fuck did you shoot that?” This year has brought less shouting, lower blood pressure, and stronger play from TA.

It hurts me too Paul. It hurts me too.

Pam Beesly LVP of the Week – First off, has anyone else noticed how horribly shitty The Office has been this season? Like, I know it started to go remotely downhill last season, but I literally haven’t laughed once at an episode this season, and I’m someone who can find comedy in almost anything. And, surprisingly enough, it’s been Pam, past supplier of Dwight pranks and random Michael-related witticisms that’s dragged the show down like Rob Reiner drags down any seafaring vessel. She’s been the ultimate wet-blanket girlfriend, turned the show into a fucking soap opera with the occasional bad joke, and simultaneously made the utterly-likable Jim character into a bona fide pussy. You may be hot, Jenna Fischer, but you’ve made this season of the Office horribly unenjoyable.

Anyways, this week’s LVP is Paul Pierce, which absolutely pains me to say, given my utter man-love of the Celtics Captain. But when a potential 25ppg scorer puts up 9, 12 and 11 points in three games, and the rest of the team plays ridiculously well in blowout wins, then you sort of earn the LVP award by default. I’m sorry Paul. I still love you.


Chinese Democracy Actually Being A Kind of Awesome Record Pleasant Surprise of the Week – This week’s non-Axl pleasant surprise has been Kendrick Perkins, who has been filling his role admirably this season and exerting general badassness on the court. Perk is expected to rebound and block shots, nothing more. Given those responsibilities, Perk has grabbed a career-high 7.2 boards per game and blocked 1.93 shots per game, the latter of which is second only to Dwight Howard in the Eastern Conference. Meanwhile, when he does get the occasional shot, Perk has been making his field goals at a sick 57 percent clip. Well done Perk. Well done.


Tim Hardaway Memorial Player that I Absolutely Loved This Week – While I completely understand that we had to give him up in order to get KG and win Banner 17, it doesn’t mean that I’m still a little hurt and saddened that I now don’t get the chance to see Al Jefferson turn into an absolute beast on a nightly basis. Big Al is goddamned awesome in the low post, and has evolved from Frightened High School Kid to Low Post God, even if it is for a lottery team. If he played for a team that even had a chance at the playoffs, Big Al would be an MVP candidate for the next ten years.

Oh, and while Tim Hardaway’s political views suck, the dude’s crossover was ridiculous, and Run TMC may have been my favorite team of the early ‘90s. It’s downright criminal that those Warriors teams weren’t more successful, especially after they drafted Webber. It’s a damn shame I tell you, a damn shame.


Patrick Ewing Memorial Player that I Absolutely Hated This Week – I’m not a doctor, but even I know that, when you have an injury, or a number of injuries, playing basketball might not be the best idea. However, Jermaine O’Neal hasn’t learned this lesson, because he’s attempted to play the last few games with a sprained ankle, bum knee, and ovulating vulva. Besides, it’s not like O’Neal is averse to missing time due to injury – he’s missed a combined 137 games over the last four full seasons, more than four out of every ten games. This year, he’s hobbled through all 13 games for his new Raptor teammates, rewarding them with a stellar 42% shooting percentage (which is fantastic when you’re 6 foot 11) and 12.4 points per game, his lowest average since the 2000-2001 season. Luckily, he only makes $21, 372,000 per year. He’s like a black John Koncack or Bryant Reeves at this point.

The Bruins at the Quarter Season: A Very Special After-School Presentation

Posted in Bruins, futuremrsrickankiel, geez FutureMrs that's just... long, guest columnists, Raquel, yay yay a thousand times yay on November 26, 2008 by hzmls

Ladies and Gentlemen (mostly gentlemen):


Your Bruins are 14-3-4 through 21 games. They are currently tied with the New York Rangers for first place in the AFC Eastern Division Conference [yeah, I’m totally wiped out and I lost a toenail off my right foot from running too much this week. I AM LITERALLY FALLING APART. –Ed.] with 32 points on the season (8 points ahead of where we were at this time last season), and have not failed to collect points in a game since October 30th against Calgary (Dion Phaneuf = bitch, etc.). In 10 November games so far, they’re 9-0-1. They’re leading the Northeast division by a comfortable 6 points.

To put it briefly: the 2008 Bruins are tearing shit up.

Before I start complaining about things (as I am wont to do), let’s give out our Three Stars of the First Quarter.

3. Milan Lucic. This could just as easily have gone to sophomore center David Krejci, whose dazzling blue eyes have playmaking ability has taken the Bruins’ offense to a whole new level this season. However, I think it’s only fair to award Looch a star in recognition of the fact that not only has he been playing at the level of a genuine star in his second season, but he’s also sparked the excitement of a long-jaded fanbase that’s always adored its fighters. Not only has Lucic been a consistent producer on offense (flaking Marc Savard at left wing on the first line), but he’s played the kind of game that’s really defined these 2008 Bruins. He’s big, he’s fierce, he’s physical, and he’s utterly unafraid to bring it when it, quite frankly, merits being broughten. His on-ice ferocity has galvanized his entire team and made him a clear fan favorite. He leads by example, despite being young, and I don’t think it’s an overstatement to call him the catalyst behind the Boston resurgence. Plus, Montreal is scared shitless of him, and that brings me joy. And the comparison? Well. It’s almost TOO obvious.


2. Marc Savard. Twenty. Seven. Freaking. Points. Savvy’s on pace to score over 120 points this season (his career high to date is 97 during the 2005-2006 season with the Thrashers). There’s currently a fierce 4-way tie in the league for second place in overall scoring (Savvy, Alexander Semin, Simon Gagne, and Ryan Getzlaf, all with 27 points behind Evgeni Malkin’s 31). The Bruins offense is simply unstoppable right now, and Savvy’s the unquestioned leader of that fearsome attack. Hurrah for blue-eyed centers!

and, obviously:

1. Tim Thomas. This goes without question. It’s inconceivable (incontheevable!) that we’d be where we currently are without the spectacular between-the-pipes stylings of everyone’s favorite scruffy Michiganian. With an untouchable .944 save percentage, he’s got 9 wins (including 2 shutouts) and just 2 losses in 14 starts. Moreover, with the way these Bruins have been playing offense, he’s becoming more and more of a done deal each night he takes the ice: Thomas is allowing just 1.80 goals per game, while the Bruins are scoring an average of 3.15 regulation goals per game (a whopping 3.80 in the month of November so far). That’s just, like, math. When you’re scoring an average of 2 goals per game more than your goalie is allowing? You’re going to win, and that’s all there is to it.


And yet, as I’ve reminded you all time and time again: it would be shortsighted of us as fans not to remember that Tim Thomas essentially came out of nowhere and started putting up these stats — this is the same goalie, after all, who was responsible for a soul-crushing 10-2 loss to the Capitals last year followed immediately by an 8-1 loss to the (goddamn) Canadiens. Still, I’m finding myself increasingly unable to talk rationally about my beloved Timmy… and here’s where the fun starts! Behold, today’s special guest: the irascible Raskolnikov of Melt Your Face-off, who graciously agreed to take time out from his busy brown liquor-drinking schedule to offer some fresh perspective on Tim Thomas for all of our enlightenment.

You don’t need a drunken guest blogger to tell you that Tim Thomas is the frontrunner for the Vezina. He leads the league in goals-against-average, save percentage, and some other misleading metrics that aren’t found on Behind the Net. Jack Edwards loves Thomas so much that he’d probably adopt the guy. In fact, many of you look at Thomas the same way: a lost puppy with sad eyes that you wish the best for. Thus, the obvious comparison to Thomas isn’t Hasek, another goalie who toiled in obscurity for years; it’s Li’l Brudder, the one-legged dog from Homestar Runner (My allusions are always five years behind).

I don’t mean to dismiss Thomas’ accomplishments, but I want him to try to succeed rather than actually succeed. First, he’s listed at 5’11, 201 lbs, which means that he’s actually 5’8″, 175 lbs. I already feel sorry for him. Second, he looks like Martin Prince, Jr., which also elicits sympathy. Chara probably hangs Thomas by his jockstrap after every practice. Third, Thomas’ overreactions after allowing a goal resemble a petulant toddler who doesn’t get what he wants. Normally, I’d be pissed off at a professional athlete for acting so foolishly. However, as I already mentioned, Thomas neither fits the goalie build nor looks older than 12. He educes sympathy from me rather than disgust.

My feelings will change if Thomas does win the Vezina. He would no longer be the gritty underdog that captures the hearts of hockey fans. Imagine the superfluous love analysts have for Brodeur combined with Thomas’ grittiness. My teeth are rotting just thinking about it.

It’s easy to be misled into blind faith in Thomas simply because he’s so, well, likable. It’s important to remember, however, that he may struggle as the season progresses, and it’ll be just as important (if not more so) to give him our support then. (Then again, Dustin Pedroia did win the MLB MVP. SO WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.) Also, not to be a conspiracy theorist, but… first Brodeur and now Luongo out for possibly the rest of the season? What’s going on here? Has anyone heard from Henrik Lundqvist?! Someone call the authorities! NO ONE IS SAFE!

Ahem.

In summary: Looch + Savvy + Timmy = yay. On with the bitchery! Are there any real causes for concern with these Bruins? Oh, indeed. Most notably: the apparent disappearance from the face of the earth of the Bruins leadership. I direct you to the statistics of our 3 alternate captains currently on the roster (excluding 4th alternate Andrew Ference, who is out with a broken tibia):

PJ Axelsson 0 G, 6 A (*only 18 GP)
Patrice Bergeron 4 G, 10 A
Marco Sturm 6 G, 6 A (*only 18 GP)

in contrast with the statistics of 3 of Boston’s hottest young talents, all suiting up for just their second Bruins season:

Milan Lucic 6 G, 7 A
David Krejci 5 G, 9 A
Phil Kessel 10 G, 6 A

If we imagine Sturm at right instead of left wing, we essentially have two complete lines there: one composed of alternate captains, and one composed entirely of sophomores. The first line has 10 goals and 11 assists for a total of 21 points; the second has 21 goals and 22 assists for a total of 43 points (together, averaging over 2 points per game).

Let that sink in for a moment. Sure, it’s amazing to have the glut of sizzling young talent I promised would show up this season, but it’s unnerving to see two career Bruins (Axelsson and Bergeron entered the season with 14 combined seasons of experience between them) and lighting-fast skater (SLASH THE GUY WE TRADED MY LOVE TO SAN JOSE FOR, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WAYNE PRIMEAU AND BRAD STUART NOW) Marco Sturm failing to produce consistently when they’re on the ice. No, offensive production is not the only measure of a player’s impact on the ice (Axelsson in particular is noteworthy for being a strong, defensively-minded skater who contributes in many other ways), but when the team as a whole is playing a ferocious offensive game, you expect everyone to be contributing. It’s worth noting, at any rate, that there are still some inconsistencies on this team that will need to be strengthened down the line if these mighty Bruins are to make a genuine run at — dare I say it? oh, I dare — the Cup.

December is a long, cold month of eating too many cookies and buying wrapping paper that always runs out halfway through something. Thank goodness for the hapless Southeast Division, whom we face many times throughout. Your 2008 Bruins are amazing. I sure as hell hope you’re watching. Fuck your family. Can your family smash Canadians through Plexiglass? Yeah. Didn’t think so. So be sure and take time out (especially for Friday’s noon game against the Islanders, where my brother and I will be gleefully screaming from the balcony) from all that holiday togetherness crap and catch your Bruins as the season continues. Wheee! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

No-Pants Party Update: Thank you so much to those of you who’ve already let me know of your interest. It’s going to be loads of fun, and not at all a sausage-fest at which I am the only girl*. We’re currently planning to get together for a Bruins game at the end of December, when our beloved Sh!tShow will be home for the holidays from the promiscuous West Coast. Please stay tuned for email updates when I stop being drunk this weekend, and if you haven’t emailed me already, what the hell are you waiting for?

*not a guarantee

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, douchebags in polo shirts, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS on November 26, 2008 by hzmls

We are now one day away from the greatest excuse to over eat, drink too much, and avoid all relatives that you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving. T-Minus 24 Hours until we collectively plop our asses in front of a huge turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and enough football to keep you sane at whatever gathering you attend. But until then, many of us have either a full or half day at work (go to hell Smarty), and as we skip out of work prepared for some vacation, we all have ahead of an important question. On Thanksgiving Eve, do you stay at home and do nothing, or do you trek out to your hometown bar where you inevitably will run into hundreds of old High School friends you vowed to never speak to again.

I, like GHABBY grew up on the North Shore, and the place to be on any T.E is the Sylvan Street Grille. Now normally SSG is a solid place to grab food, watch a football game on their many HD TV’s, or grab a drink (well it’s classy other than the sign out front that congratulates North Shore Football Players of the week. Students who undoubtedly have a long road of becoming a weight on society ahead of them). But on one day a year, the Grille turns into the Mecca for North Shore Douchebaggery. Basically if you have ever been to the website hot girls with douchebags, that is the essence of what Sylvan Street becomes on T.E, well minus the girls being hot, and at least three people leaving in handcuffs. Well anyways, Sylvan is usually a pretty classy joint, hell check out their website, they even misspelled their own name on the webpage tab. If you want to people watch, or hear stories about how the captain of the football team spent the last two years in jail, this is the place to be. Personally, I have only ventured there once, and it was like being in high school all over again, or in other words it was the circle of hell Dante left out of Inferno. People were crammed in so tightly that you can’t a) buy a drink b) move c) get to a bathroom if you have to piss d) avoid people you don’t want to see. I vowed that I would never return to SSG, and would leave behind the painful memories of running into that shithead that used to tease me in high school, and still does (but still lives at home with his mom at 28, yeah fuck you).

Well this year I have a dilemma, my fiance and her friends want to go tonight, so in the spirit of being completely ball and chained I will venture out to the forbidden bar. I tried talking her out of it, I even offered to hang out with her family and make pies before if she would change her mind, but no. I wish I had a clue why my fiance wants to go to the SSG, because I am pretty sure that she has evolved far beyond the trash that inhabit the bar, but she is pretty adamant about it. It seems the urge to people watch is too intoxicating for her, or do I know her at all? On the other hand, if I really wanted to avoid it I could just stay home and do nothing for the night, but where’s the fun in that? Question for the masses, big plans for Thanksgiving Eve, or just laying low?

This Week in Route 1 Football

Posted in GHABBY, reposting attempts, Route 1 on November 25, 2008 by hzmls

Dreams often die in an inglorious, painful manner. HZMLS’ dream of bedding Matt Ryan was recently halted with a restraining order. SmartyBarrett’s dream of URI basketball being relevant died when Lamar Odom left school without having learned to read. FutureMrs’ dream of being the centerpiece of a Bruins Blue Line Bukkake Bonanza…well, she’s actually still working on that.

However, two dreams of mine died this weekend, in a painful, violent manner. My first – being able to eat dozens of pounds of meat without fear of consequence or anal retribution – nearly came to fruition on Friday night, when my loving friends took me to Midwest Grill, a Brazilian steakhouse on Route 1. And my, did we feast and drink like noblemen of yore! Pork tenderloin, kielbasa, roast beef, steak tips, sausage, chicken wrapped in bacon – all were consumed in mass quantities and with great joy, accompanied by the finest of ales lubricating our collective sense of public decorum. It was, as I may have noted, a perfect evening…or so I thought.

The first inkling that something was amiss came during my boxing sparring session Saturday morning. Figuring that I’d simply sweat out the calories and alcohol consumed the night before while simultaneously punching people in the head, my plans were going well until…OH DEAR GOD, I sprinted to the men’s room and laid waste to the commode. I was literally in there for a half hour, and came out shaking and sweating like a trauma victim, and immediately departed for home. I then spent the next 36 hours without sleep or comfort, having similar colonic explosions roughly 20-25 more times. I shit ye not. (I’m so punny) At the end, I wasn’t even crapping anything solid out, it was just water, tears and pain. With that, my dream of eating my body weight’s worth of meat without fear of consequence had been dashed in a violent, painful, explosive manner.

A similar dream died on Saturday night. My angling for a Florida/Texas Tech BCS Championship has been well publicized, and I had nearly-pornographic dreams of a 70-63 championship shootout that would resemble football on high doses of cocaine. It would, in my mind, have been the perfect football game – my Gators in a dick-measuring contest with a worthy adversary, with more points than your best-ever Skee Ball game. But Oklahoma (way to have a dumb shape for a state by the way) decided to not only end that dream, but do so in embarrassing fashion, hanging up 65 on the overmatched Red Raiders and turning the pre-pubescent looking Sam Bradford into a top-3 Heisman contender. Sure, Oklahoma-Florida or Texas-Florida or even USC-Florida (my boys ain’t losing the SEC Championship…it’s just not happening) will be good, but Florida/Texas Tech could have been great.

So what lessons did I learn from this painful weekend? Don’t dream. Ever. Don’t hope, don’t dream, don’t wish for anything, don’t believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny or Jesus. Any slight feelings of optimism about the future will only end in you dry-heaving out of your ass for the 20th time while watching Oklahoma score another touchdown. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award – Begrudgingly, I have to give this award to Oklahoma, despite them performing the football equivalent of stealing my Teddy Ruxpin doll that I got for Christmas when I was six. Oklahoma is really, really good. They can pass, they can run, they can defend, and they can make offensive juggernauts like Texas Tech look absolutely fucking silly on the field. They lead the nation in scoring, at nearly 53 points per game. Sam Bradford could be the No. 1 pick in the draft this year. They’ve beaten the snot out of Cincinnati, Kansas, TCU, Texas Tech and Nebraska, all of whom will go to a bowl this year. But is their coach obsessed with pirates? Yeah, thought not.

Weylu’s Epic Fail of the Week – Look, I know that LSU lost a bunch of top players, and kicked their starting QB off the team prior to the season, and their houses blew over in the hurricane and blah blah blah. But guess what LSU – you’re the defending national champions. You have top-five recruiting classes every year. You may have the most talented D-line in the country. And yet you get blown out by Ole Miss? And lose by a combined 44 points to GeorgiaFlorida? And have to come back from 28 points down to Troy? and Epic Fail. LSU, you bleaux. Have fun geauxing to the Gaylord City Music Bowl.

Kowloon’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – I actually was able to watch the Oregon State/Arizona game at Kowloon’s (note: Chinese food does more harm than good when battling explosive diarrhea), and saw Oregon State keep its Rose Bowl hopes alive with a game-winning field goal with no time left. I like this Oregon State team. First off, I’m in support of anyone voluntarily named the “Beavers.” They have more uniform combinations than Malibu Barbie. Also, they’ve got a running back who may actually be a midget, but who has a little Barry Sanders in him and made USC look absolutely silly when they knocked off USC earlier this year. Sammie Strougher, when healthy, may be the most underrated wideout in the country. And if they beat Oregon this Saturday, Oregon State, and not USC, will actually be the winner of the Pac-10. Suck on that Pete Carroll.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Doesn’t Scare Me Award – This award goes to anyone from the ACC. There is not an even halfway decent team in this conference, and yes, I’m including HZMLS’ beloved BC Eagles, who will now be starting former US gymnastics Olympian Dominique Dawes at quarterback for the rest of the year. Florida State, the current Atlantic Division leader, will probably lose by at least 30 this weekend to my Gators. Georgia Tech, the Coastal Division leader, lost to freaking Virginia. Clemson is the biggest waste of talent since Amy Winehouse decided to become a professional crackhead. They don’t have a team ranked in the top 19 of the BCS standings. The ACC, kids, sucks, and it pains me that I’ve had to endure far too many of their games this year, while I could have been watching something more exciting, like quadriplegics trying to have sex.

Closing of Russo’s Candy House Disappointment of the Week – I detailed this mostly above, but…Texas Tech…seriously? That’s the best you could do? I get that Oklahoma is talented and all, but you’ve got Michael Fucking Crabtree (actually his middle name) and you can only put up 21 points? To quote my Dad from when he caught me drunk and stoned coming home from the Danvers Fireworks when I was 15, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

Frank Giuffrida Memorial Exalted Human Being Award – This award clearly has to go to Big Chief Not Old Looking Enough for Firewater Sam Bradford, who passed for 304 yards and four TDs on only 19 pass attempts. That is what the Japanese call “some motherfucking efficiency,” and worthy of the Baked Stuffed Haddock, a moist haddock (which the Indians taught us to fish for!) stuffed with seafood stuffing. It is served with your choice of potato, vegetable, or soul-crushing disappointment.

Why yes the BC Eagles won last week, thanks for asking…

Posted in BC Eagles, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, orange bowl here we come on November 25, 2008 by hzmls

Each week HZMLS goes out on a limb and pretends that the readers of Mass Hysteria actually care about Boston College Football. Yet deep in his subconscious he understands that they are about as relevant as the New England Revolution or the Harvard Sailing Team. But he continues to trek onward, and in the spirit of fun he presents to you the recap of this weeks game

As you may or may not have seen BC is #20 in the National Polls this week, thanks to a come behind win against the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest. It’s hard to imagine but Saturday’s game was a combination of the teams best and worst game of the year. BC had control of this game and was up as many as 10 at one point, but a combination of sloppy turnovers and injuries allowed WF to get right back into the game and take the lead. It took a last minute balls to the wall drive by of all people Dominique Davis (who looks like he weighs 150 pounds soaking wet) to win the game and set up a must win game Saturday against Maryland.

The Good: There was excellent defense as Mark Herzlich continues to cement himself as one of the Nation’s premier LB’s and eye paint that is makes him look like Animal from the Legion of Doom. He has two interceptions (one for a TD), and made one of the illest catches I have seen when he vaulted like 8 feet in the air to catch the ball. The defense was as dominant as it gets, only allowing one offensive touchdown (which was caused by a blocked punt that was downed at the 1). I have no idea why the telecasters were blowing their collective load all over Riley Skinner because he wasn’t all that impressive, he threw 3 picks, and with all the shit that Dominique Davis got, Skinner looked equally lost at times (and he’s a senior!) Because I know none of you care the slightest about BC and think the ACC is a fraud conference (I’m look at you FutureMrs and GHABBY), here are some stats to chew on:
* Points allowed: 17.3 ppg (14th in the Country)
* YPG Allowed: 269 Yards (5th in the country)
* Passing Yards Allowed: 1912 Yards (12th in Country)
* Rushing Yards Allowed: 1054 Yards (7th in country)
* INT’s: 23 (1st in the COUNTRY)

The Bad: Also if you watched the game you would have seen Chris Crane break his collarbone, and effectively ruin the rest of his college career (and ensure a long tenure with the 49ers). I can’t believe I am going to say this but: I’m going to miss Crane. Even with the fumbles, terrible passes, complete inability to scan the field, he was finally learning the BC offense. Crane this season did just enough to keep BC in every game (minus the debacle at UNC), and allow the defense to keep the score close. Going into the final game against Maryland, I have serious questions about Dominique Davis (cousin of Desmond Clark of the Bears), he can barely throw a spiral, he looks nervous as hell, and hesitates hesitates hesitates. But he can make big plays because he is a black QB, and if there is anything Vince Young, Michael Vick, and JaMarcus Russell have taught me, it’s that black QB’s are winners. With the biggest game of the year on Saturday, having him command the offense makes me a little queasy.

The UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE: Before the last drive, Dominique Davis had rushed for -20 yards, and passed for 23, and had fumbled the ball TWICE. Safe to say that he was much more of a hinderance than a help. On the final drive, some sort of miracle happened, he remembered how to play football. Suddenly Davis was hitting Brandon Robinson deep down the field, lasering in passes into coverage, and the icing on the cake was the dive in from the 1 yard line. The ending of the WF game was easily the most exciting since Matt Ryan hit Andre Calendar in the end zone in Blacksburg last year. (Oh god, getting boners at work is so embarrassing)

Outlook: Biggest game of the year this week against Maryland. As GHABBY put it “Watching BC’s offense is like watching two retards try to fuck”. I think that is the best way too put it, but if Davis can quickly learn the Shotgun draw to Montell Harris and the fake draw QB sneak, I think we could still win. Our defense can be so fucking good, that hell we can play with no offense, jesus at the end of the WF game I was hoping our defense would be on the field because it was our only chance of scoring. Being a season ticket holder, of course I will be at the Maryland game, and if they lose you can expect a very upset, depressed HZMLS.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, crappy football, obscure lil wayne references, SmartyBarrett, URI homerism on November 25, 2008 by hzmls

No Boston sports last night, and no Boston sports tonight. Woo hoo! Once again we were forced to suffer through a bawful Monday Night Football game, complete with two sub-par teams, crappy defense, and terrible announcing. But everything was easy baby, leave it up to Brees-y baby – the Saints took care of business, waxing the Packers 51-29, as the defenses should have just stayed on the team bus. Anyone that says WHAT DA PACKAS NEED IS BRETT FAVRE deserves to choke on a wedge of gritty, gun-slinging cheese. He’s a riverboat gambler, though!

Elsewhere in the sports world, the big Clippers/Knicks trade involving Zach Randolph is being held up by the health issues of former University of Rhode Island standout Cuttino Mobley. Randolph and Mardy Collins were set to go coast-to-coast from the Knicks in exchange for Mobley and fellow Clipper Tim Thomas. Apparently a heart condition is holding Cat back from being traded and it’s turning into a bit of an issue. An issue in the NBA involving the Knicks? No way!

Speaking of the heart, I just picked up the new Kanye West album, 808s & Heartache. For those who haven’t heard much about it, you may be surprised to hear that he does not rap at all on the album – he sings. I have given it a listen about three or so times and I like what I hear, even if it is a touch weird to hear West belting out some high notes. Critics and music experts say this album could change music forever, it’s that unique and influential. I’m not ready to go that far yet, but it brings me to my question for the masses. I figure with this lull in Boston sports, we could maybe debate some music. What, in your opinion, is the most influential album of all time? Might as well just lock in my vote now, Simpsons style!