Archive for December, 2008

Gaylord Bowl Drunk Liveblog Second Half

Posted in BC Eagles, drunk posting, Gaylord hehehehe, GHABBY on December 31, 2008 by hzmls


5:21: I just shoveled my walkway and steps during halftime because it’s fucking snowing AGAIN in Massachusetts. Cmon God, you already denied the Pats the playoffs, why do you have to further smite us with shitty fucking snowstorms? Btw, HZMLS texted me with “I would let Mark Herzlich impregnate futuremrsHZMLS and I would raise the kid.” I responded by “this game is like watching retards try to 69.” I clearly need to drink more.

5:24: Herzlich just hit a guy so hard, his gallbladder fell out. Provided he passes a steroid test and doesn’t rape a girl causing James Caan to suspend him, this man NEEDS to be wearing a Pats uniform next year.

5:32: USURY AND MONEYLENDING. Vandy punted and it hit the foot of a BC player, and then they fell on top of it and scored a touchdown. Cheapest. Touchdown. Ever. Vandy 13, BC 7, Strongbows 5. Seriously, in this clusterfuck of a game, that’s the type of bass-ackwards way that touchdowns are scored.

5:51: Here’s the thing. There’s really no excuse to be losing to Vanderbilt. Vandy is to the SEC what the white kid on the end of the bench is to a basketball team: they’re just there to keep the GPA up. That’s all. The SEC keeps Vanderbilt around to say “hey, look, not all of our schools (save my Gators, OBVI) admit people who can’t walk upright and breathe through their nose.” Vandy doesn’t even have an athletic department. The same department that handles the rules for intramural Ultimate Frisbee handles home football games against Florida and Georgia. And yet, the Lambda Lambda Lambda football team is currently beating BC, and just stopped them on fourth down. Shameful. Pathetic. Sad.

6:02: I could pass better than Dominique Davis if I slept on my arms. I could jerk off better too.

6:20: Sorry if I haven’t updated the game that much, but seriously, this shit is fucking painful. There have been three first downs in the entire second half. Davis is averaging 3.3 yards per pass. Vandy has six first downs. This game is the drizzling shits. My buddy Tim, my roomate, my girlfriend and I have spent most of the second half debating what the name of that popular gum was in the early ’90s that had the liquid center. I say Bubbaloo, but they say I’m wrong.


6:28: GOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL! Touchdown BC! Dominique Davis first completed a 30-yard pass (one-third of his entire passing day at the time), and then a 55-yard TD pass to Colin Larmond Jr., who I’m shocked isn’t white with that name. BC 14, Vandy 13, Strongbows 8.

6:32: Herzlich just fucked up another smaht kid. I consider him a credit to my race. Then he got called for a BULLSHIT roughing the passer penalty. The refs are discriminating him because his real name is Sandon, and cause he probably takes monkey steroids like Hawk from the Legion of Doom.

6:37: Vandy just tried to run the option on 3rd and 1, but their shit got pushed in like a dude in assless chaps at a gay bar. 45-yard field goal attempt is…Good. Lame. Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 8 1/2. 3:26 left, and Dominique Davis in charge of driving the ball down the field. I’m not optimistic. I’m also drunk.


6:42:
3rd and 6, and Davis threw the ball ten feet above his running back’s head on a simple screen pass. If there was a single play symbolic of this game, that would be it. Epic. Fail.

6:49: Vandy just got stood the fuck up on 3rd and 1. BC’s gotta go at least 50-55 yards in two minutes to win this game. We’ve got a developing. Sit-u-ation.

6:50: Interception. FUCK. The bowl winning streak is over. My sobriety is over. Our innocence is over. Dominique Davis’ tenure as a scholarship athlete is over. Let us relish what once was, not what currently is. Luckily, it’s still New Year’s Eve, and I’ve got three bottles of Andre waiting for me. Final score, Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 9. Happy New Years, drink your sorrows away.

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Gaylord Bowl Drunk Liveblog First Half

Posted in BC Eagles, drunk posting, Gaylord hehehehe, GHABBY on December 31, 2008 by hzmls

3:30: We’re here live from the GHABB,Y Palace of Awesomeness, playing substitute teacher while HZMLS has the pre-marital leash pulled on him once again. I heard HZMLS gave his fiancee a wonderful present for Christmas: his balls, encased in a cedar box, for her to keep forever and ever. Then again, I woke up at 7 this morning to drive out to Market Basket to buy my girlfriend baking supplies, fending off hundreds of minorities and elderly in the process.

Still, I’m here armed with a dozen Strongbows, low blood sugar, and no motivation whatsoever to leave my living room chair for the next three or so hours, so here’s to three hours of Gaylord jokes.

3:35: I mean, if you voluntarily told someone “oh, I stayed at the Gaylord Hotel,” that’s pretty much an admission that you spent the previous evening blowing a dude, right? Can we now refer to any and all homosexual acts as “staying at the Gaylord Hotel?” And can gay guys come out to their parents by leaving a Gaylord Hotels receipt on the kitchen table?

3:39: Holy shit is Dominique Davis a terrible quarterback. He just overthrew his first two passes by a combined 58,058 yards. Between having to root for this guy as his team’s quarterback and trading in his penis for the rest of his life, it’s a shock that we haven’t found a suicide note in HZLMS’ apartment.

3:44: Vandy used fifteen different quarterbacks to drive down the field and kick a field goal. Vanderbilt 3, BC 0, Strongbows 1/3. I know, I know, more drinking with the quickness, but being New Year’s Eve, today’s alcoholocaust (a word I read yesterday on EDSBS and my new favorite word EVER) is going to be a marathon, and not a sprint.


3:52: Holy shit, that Gaylord Hotels guy had the creepiest smile EVER at the end of his speech. Don’t think he doesn’t know what goes on in his hotels. That smile said “come to my hotel and blow a man named Evan or Bruce.” Oh, that dude knows. That dude KNOWS. Meanwhile, Vandy just completed a deep pass and are generally abusing BC on both sides of the ball so far. It’s almost as if BC somehow doesn’t want to be playing a 6-6 team in their home city in the fucking Gaylord Bowl or something.

3:57: Another field goal for Vandy. At least BC’s defense isn’t allowing Vandy’s Red Zone offense to roughly penetrate the puckering ruby starfruit that is Gaylord Bowl end zone. Vandy 6, BC 0, Strongbows 1.

Oh Kurt Vonnegut, how we miss thee.

4:05: Dominique Davis is apparently “confused” by the offensive playcalling. Apparently, he didn’t understand the part about “we don’t trust you to throw the ball at all, so you’re handing the ball off every play.” And like that, Davis goes off the script and hits his running back in the hands with a screen pass. The RB was obviously in such a state of shock that they let Davis pass that he didn’t expect the pass. BC punts again, something which, at this rate, will be the inevitable end to all of their offensive possessions.

4:15: The ESPN broadcasters are quite impressed with the turnout of Vanderbilt fans. Yes, because it’s impressive that fans actually showed up to a team’s first bowl game in 26 years that happens to be down the street from campus. Yeah, kudos and fucking huzzah to them.

4:25: SOUND THE ALARM, DOMINIQUE DAVIS COMPLETED A PASS! Davis just threw for 15 whole yards, and actually hit Brandon Robinson! Yay! Prior to that, Davis had been 1-7 for one whole yard. In fact, we recently went 29 plays from scrimmage here with exactly one play over 10 yards. In a related story, I’m starting to drink heavily. And of course, as I finished typing this, Davis just threw a pick. I HATE THIS GAME AND ITS STUPID FACE.


4:36: There’s something comical and depressing about watching Dominique Davis try to throw a long pass. It’s kinda like trying to watch a midget get a wineglass off the top shelf, or a foal being born and try to walk. Awkward and uncomfortable, but mildly hysterical.

4:47: Stock up on canned goods and bottled water, because BC’s put together an actual drive. Granted, they’ve averaged like 3.6 yards per play on said drive, but still, they’ve proceeded to go 16 consecutive plays without punting, turning the ball over or having any member of their offense publicly defecate all over himself. And with that, TOUCHDOWN BC! Like sex with a 28-year-old virgin, it was slow, awkward and not nearly worth the effort, but the score is now BC 7, Vandy 6, Strongbows 4. Jerry’s Kids across the world celebrate.


4:55: Halftime. I’m going to go cry in the shower.

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 3

Posted in i'm a big geek and i can't stress that enough, shameless self-promotion, SmartyBarrett, The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008 on December 31, 2008 by hzmls

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you’ve come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

So even though I’ve only been on this site since late September, I was able to crank out some of my favorite posts from the year. I look forward to continuing to share my thoughts with our readers next year, and I promise that if there is ever a Mass Hysteria get-together in ’09, I’ll be sure to reinforce every stereotype you guys no doubt have about me.

10. The 2008 ALDS Recap. Just in case you forgot how crazy this series was.

9. If there’s one thing Sox fans love, it’s a Yankee elimination party.

8. The TBS announcers for the ALCS were – and I mean this in the nicest way possible – fucking disgraceful.

7. Surprisingly enough, this post did not result in me getting any more friends on MySpace.

6. No matter the eventual outcome of the ALCS, I’ll always remember the greatest game I’ve ever seen.

5. URI’s Jimmy Baron spends quite a bit of time fine-tuning his three-point shot.

4. I don’t often get all sappy and shit, but goddamn I love me some Marty Barrett. And some Dustin Pedroia.

3. We’ve all had fun at the ballpark. But perhaps never this much fun.

2. Yes, I love college hoops. No, I will not help you fill out your bracket this March.

1. My absolute favorite thing I’ve ever written for Mass Hysteria was my first post – the guest post I did previewing Week 3 in our Fantasy Football League. If it wasn’t for that post, I likely wouldn’t even be an editor on this site.

Thanks for a great year, and Happy New Year everyone!

It’s Only Cheating If You Get Caught

Posted in blazers, Celtics, don't know if you heard but the patriots are also cheaters at everything, SmartyBarrett, yes i know what a power play is i'm not that dumb on December 31, 2008 by hzmls

At least that’s what the NBA is showing with their ruling on a very strange play in last night’s Celtics/Blazers game. Now Raquel has explained to me that situations like this occur in hockey all the time. They’re called “power plays.” I’m learnding! But as far as I know, there are no power plays in basketball. Yet somehow, the Blazers put six men on the court last night, scored a basket, and the officials COUNTED IT! Let’s go to the video tape! Check it out at about 0:45 in:

Portland was assessed a technical foul after the fact, but because the officials didn’t notice the 6th man until after the basket was made, they couldn’t waive it off (those new fangled scoreboards!). A call was also made to the league office during the stoppage, but they apparently shrugged and said they didn’t know what to do.

From Doc Rivers: “They said you couldn’t correct the play, which I still disagree with. But the problem was that we called around, we called the league, and they didn’t have the answer, either. It is what it is. There is nothing we can do about it.”

Awesome. David Stern must be so proud.

Your Gaylord Bowl Preview

Posted in BC Eagles, FOOTBALL rocks my cock, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS on December 31, 2008 by hzmls


Today will be the pinnacle of the Boston College season, and what a journey it has been. BC fans have seen the highs and lows of a team that has been more inconsistent than Dane Cook’s career. Big wins over Maryland, Wake Forest, Florida State and Virginia Tech. Hair pulling losses to Georgia Tech, Clemson and the same Virginia Tech on national television. BC has shown the country what a top notch defense looks like, with Mark Herzlich, BJ Raji, Mike McLaughlin and a solid secondary that leads the nation in interceptions. On the other hand our offense is a turnover factory, even more so after the injury to Chris Crane. Redshirt Freshman QB Dominique Davis has more than likely played himself out of a job after turning the ball over 5,632 times against VT in the ACC Championship. And this has all led up to the Gaylord Music City Bowl.

This year our competition is the Vanderbilt Commodores, a pitiful competition from the SEC. Yes, the ACC runner up is playing a team that is 6-6, and losers of 6 out of 7. But wait, give Vandy a break, they play in the SEC and must have a tough schedule. Oh no no no, they beat Auburn, Kentucky, and South Carolina. Their low points? GETTING THEIR ASS HANDED TO THEM BY TENNESSEE (and Florida). Why the fuck does BC have to play teams like this EVERY YEAR. Every year BC puts together a solid season, beating good ACC opponents, and every year the Bowl selection committee over looks them in favor of teams like Clemson and FSU (you know teams we BEAT). Instead of playing a team like LSU, Nebraska or Wisconsin, year after year its a Vanderbilt, a Colorado, Navy, or a UNC.

Is BC going to win this Bowl game? I hope so. The one thing I know about Vanderbilt is that they have a pretty good defense. This game will probably be filled with mistakes on both ends, and Merrill Hoge will love this “THE TEAM THAT WINS THE TURNOVER BATTLE WILL WIN THE GAME”. I expect Mark Herzlich to dominate this game, maybe 2 interceptions and a forced fumble. If you hate BC, or are completely ambivalent about college football, do yourself a favor and watch the BC defense for a little bit. Herzy is a monster, who basically runs an entire half of the field by himself. I can’t say enough about him, he’s going to be a sick NFL player whenever he decides to go pro. Every hit he makes could end the other players career, he hits so fucking hard. Offensively, if BC can just run the ball with Davis and freshman Montell Harris, they could control the clock and prevent Davis from imploding.

But check back today, GHABBY is going to do a liveblog of the game later today, unfortunately I will be unable to attend, though you may here from me at points. GHABBY promises to be drunk, so stick around he may go into a diabetic coma! Anyways, my prediction? BC is going to win 24-6. Yay BC!

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 2

Posted in boobs are fun to grab, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, shameless self-promotion, The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008 on December 31, 2008 by hzmls

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you’ve come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

So I’ve been told to pick my top 10 posts of the year. Well after some heavy drinking thinking, here are the best. Thanks to all of our great readers, who I probably will meet sometime in the future. Hopefully I will shower between now and then, though I can’t promise anything.

10. Roasted that Dred Pirate Manny Ramirez.

9. Got loaded and posted at 12:24 on a Saturday night. Bad idea. Such a bad idea I did it twice.

8. Became very distraught about the Tom Brady injury. Somehow pulled himself out of the depths of depression to acceptance. Then realized Matt Cassel is fucking awesome.

7. Really, really really hates Virginia Tech. Makes all sorts of massacre jokes, but the Killer with a Superfan shirt never makes the internet.

6. Celebrated Halloween with Mass Hysteria by introducing the Hysterics to the comedic genius of GT.

5. Allowed the injured Tom Brady to guest post on the site and give his thoughts on the Patriots season. Mayhem ensued.

4. Liveblogged Game 5 of the ALCS with SmartyBarret and Co. Gave up on the game in the 7th inning, threw himself on the bed and came back to see the miracle win.

3. Found out that Trot Nixon is not a big fan of letting you stick your dick into anything with a pulse.

2. Wrote a really creepy love letter to Matt Ryan. FutureMrsHZMLS questioned his manhood after reading this post.

1. Gave the Hysterics a Patriots history lesson. Here. Here, here, here and here.

The Official Mass Hysteria 2008-09 NFL Playoffs Fantasy Challenge

Posted in Fantasy Football Frivolty, nfl playoffs, SmartyBarrett, the chargers are toast on December 30, 2008 by hzmls

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and get ready to embarass your editors! That’s right folks, the regular season is over, the Patriots are not in the playoffs, but my fantasy football boner has not subsided. So here we go! ESPN has a lovely little challenge for the playoffs, and it’s pretty easy. Just log in, build a team within the salary cap and try to beat down me and the other clowns here at MH. It shouldn’t be too hard. Plus you can change your team week-to-week, so there’s no harm in picking Antonio Gates this week, knowing that the Chargers are going to get bounced harder than a Baywatch video. Tell your friends, the more the merrier! Here’s the info you’ll need:

Link: http://games.espn.go.com/nflpc/frontpage

Then just register and create an entry. Once your team is set, don’t forget to join the group.
Just search: Mass Hysteria Sports

Let the fun begin!