Archive for January, 2009

The Varitek Contract Negotiations Are Finally Over

Posted in contract negotimagation, HZMLS, scott boras, varitek loves the blondes on January 30, 2009 by hzmls

Cut to a kitchen in Georgia, Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek is sitting at a table waiting for lunch, Heidi Watney is making him a sandwich wearing only an apron….and heels

JV: Will you hurry up, I am starving and this Captain does not wait for anything.

: Sorry honey, here you go. (puts sandwich in front of Varitek)

JV: Hey, WHAT DID I TELL YOU YESTERDAY? I don’t like pickles in my fucking sandwiches, now take this piece of crap back and make it again. My god, Karen never had problems remembering my lunch order. Why do I bother keeping you around?

HW: Anal?

: Oh right….(Phone rings)….What the hell are you waiting for, answer the phone.

HW: It’s Scottie he says that he has some new updates on your contract

JV: Gimme that, (slaps HW on the ass) now go make me a pie, Pumpkin, and when you are done lay in bed I’ll be back later to take care of that. Hey Scottie, this better be good.

SB: Jason, good news we got you a two year contract with the Red Sox!

: Great! So what are we looking at here, because I need some extra money, this alimony is killing me and Heidi has been pestering me for some new lips.

SB: Um, ok, before I tell you, just remember the market sucked this year. And well after the Teixiera negotiations, Theo has only communicated with me via carrier pigeons. No one is getting the money they deserve. We are looking at 5 million this year, with a team option next year, or a substantially less player option in 2010.

WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!??? This is the same shitty deal you told me about last week, what the hell have you been doing?

SB: Well, I tried EVERYONE and no one seemed to care that you have more intangibles than Derek Jeter, and can handle a pitching staff better than anyone in the pros. It seems everyone is worried that your swing is longer than Charles Haley’s dick. So this is all we had. So here is the deal, you can either take their deal, or sit out next year….Or retire.

JV: Retire? How is that going to make me anymore money, jesus call Theo up and tell him that I will take the deal, as long as Heidi is going to be the clubhouse reporter, and after every game I get to nail her as much as possible in the showers.

SB: OK, I texted Theo he says thats fine, but Julio Lugo wants to watch.

JV: Fine whatever, I have dealt with some strange stuff on the Sox, Kevin Millar once got caught putting video cameras in the MENS bathroom. But Scott, me and you, we are finished. Take your 3% and go to hell, I don’t ever want to see you again. Fuck this I’m out…. Heidi??? Did you remember to buy the industrial lube?

HW: Yup, I bought the two gallon Economy bottle.

JV: Hey at least everything didn’t suck today…


Lucky Released Due to "Gay Shit"

Posted in Celtics, dumb mascots, embarrassing admissions, GHABBY on January 30, 2009 by hzmls
Good riddance, you annoying fucking midget.

Some of you may be saddened by the Celtics’ decision yesterday to part ways with Damon Blust, who had played their mascot, “Lucky the Leprechaun.” I, however, won’t miss the little fucker, as I think that the inclusion of a Celtics mascot and the Celtics filthy gutter whor…uh, I mean “Dancers” have absolutely ruined the Celtics live game experience, along with the Jumbotron Noise Meter (GET LOUD! ARE WE AT GARDEN LEVEL YET? WE HAVE TO PROMPT OUR AUDIENCE TO CHEER BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING RETARDED WOOOO LETS PLAY ANOTHER OUTDATED MOVIE CLIP). Whoopity shit Lucky, you can dunk a basketball on a trampoline while fifteen whores from Revere named Jennafa shake their roast beef curtains at the crowd and the PA system plays C&C Music Factory. If Red were alive, he would firebomb the entire Garden upon seeing this shit, and not a jury in the state would convict him.

Now for a personal admission: I may or may not, at one point in my lifetime, been under the employ of one of the major four sports organizations in this fine city. The experience may or may not have only lasted six months, and ended in me quitting due to the utter incompetence of said organization and causing me to swear off that sport completely, a sport which may or may not be the favored sport of a female editor of this website. Theoretically speaking, obviously.

Anyways, one moment, above all others, stuck out for me during that time. It was the day that Ron Artest was traded from Indiana to Sacramento after sitting out something like 110 games due to his role in the Battle of Detroit. Ironically enough, Artest’s first game in a Kings uniform would be that night against the Celtics, and in the TD Banknorth Garden. The last time anyone had seen Artest on a basketball court, he had been punching fans in the face and generally going batshit crazy, so it was easy to say that, especially in the Garden, security concerns and tensions were quite high. As I was riding the elevator with my buddy, Damon Blust happened to get on. We then had the following conversation, which is 100% factual in every way:

ME: “Hey, you’re the guy who plays Lucky, right?

BLUST: “Yep.”

ME: “You know Artest is coming back tonight, right? The crowd should be pretty pumped.”

BLUST: “Yeah, I hear we’re gonna have a sellout tonight.”

ME: “Hey, can I offer you a word of advice?”

BLUST: “Sure?”

ME: “Well, I know you like to do all your flippy doos and stuff, but if you pull any of your gay shit in front of Artest, he may knock your ass out.”

BLUST: “Excuse me?”

ME: “Yeah, like the gay shit you do on the court, hugging people and throwing out t-shirts and generally annoying the fuck out of everyone, you may want to avoid being near the Kings bench when you pull that shit. That crazy fucker will probably beat your midget ass into a pulp.”

Blust was speechless and without comeback, and quickly pressed the button for the next floor before exiting the elevator with the quickness (and without his dignity). My buddy and I then proceeded to spend the next half hour laughing uproariously. That said, I’m proud to say that Lucky avoided going near the Kings bench for the entirety of the game. And it’s a good thing too – that gay shit totally would’ve got his ass kicked.

Tebow vs. Treebow: Quien Es Mas Awesome-o?

Posted in Gator homerism, GHABBY, Tebow man-love, Treebow on January 30, 2009 by hzmls

Recently, a Gainesville chainsaw artist (stop giggling) unveiled his statue “Treebow,” a large oak cut into the shape of Greatest Human Being Ever, Tim Tebow. So, in a tribute to former ESPN funny guy Nick Bakay (who also did the voice of Salem on Sabrina the Teenage Witch), I present a Tebow vs. Treebow tale of the tape. Quien es mas awesome-o?

1) Size
6’2″, 236lbs

7’6″, “weighs as much as the earth”


2) Awards

2 National Championships, 1 Heisman Trophy, 2 Maxwell Awards, 1 Davey O’Brien Award, All-American, Award For Being the Only Dude I’d Go Gay For

“Best Tree That Looks Like Tim Tebow” Award

WINNAR: TEBOW (“Best Tree That Looks Like Tim Tebow” isn’t even a real award)

3) Mel Kiper Draft Projection

Fourth-round tight end, comparable to Frank Wycheck

First round quarterback, has ideal size and pocket presence, comparable to Drew Bledsoe


4) Creator

Most would say “God,” but being that Tebow is God, one could argue that Tebow, ergo, is self-created.

That dude with the hat.


5) Versatility

Accurate passer and powerful rusher, often called the top dual-threat player in the country.

Provides shade, useful in games of Hide and Go Seek


6) Companions
Dudes who run 4.2 40s, Riley Cooper, God, Filipino boys with infected foreskins, Big Titted Coeds

Hat dude, palm trees, Ballyhoo Grill patrons

WINNAR: TEBOW (though the potato skins at Ballyhoo are like Spanish Fly, they bring the bitches)

7) Circumcision skill



WINNAR: TEBOW (Penis splinters = OUCH)

8) Threats

None – all who have attempted to defeat Tebow have been left lying and helpless in his wake.



9) Moh’s Scale of Hardness Rating

2: Gypsum (due to fleshy outercovering)

6: Feldspar

WINNAR: TREEBOW (Tebow is a badass, but oak is oak)

10) Embarrassing weakness

Friendship with Kenny Chesney

Ugly orange shoes

WINNAR: TREEBOW (nobody should EVER be friends with Kenny Chesney)

Overall WINNAR: Tebow 6-4, despite a late push from Treebow. Nothing was, is or will ever be mas awesome-o than Tebow, not even a giant oak statue bearing his likeness.

Attention Good Sir, Please Consume A Phallic Entree: The Pitts-burgh Steel-Men

Posted in arizona pitts super bowl, eat a bag of dicks, football, WP Foxtrotty on January 30, 2009 by hzmls
What ho, dear friends! It is I, your loyal servant W.P. Foxtrotty, taking a brief respite from my winter slumbers to report on the impending championship of foots-ball!

You surely know, gentle Reader, that discussion of foots-ball is but an avocation for me when compared to my primay bailiwick of bases-ball, and that I am loathe to consider acknowledging, let alone favoring, a French foots-ball club that currently plays in Mexico. However, even I cannot resist favoring such a Papist lot when the opponents of the day are that rabble of subhuman Pennsylvanian homonculii known as the Pitts-burgh Steel-Men!!! Which is why I submit my humble invocation: Pitts-burgh Steel-Men, I beseech you to partake of a cannibalistic feast of thy own male organs!

If one has not cast eyes upon the Pitts-burgh, that foul settlement at the conjunction of the filth-streams called “Al-egh Eny”, “Mo-Non-Ga-He-La”, and “Ohio” that besmirches the very names of the great William Pitt Sr. and Jr. by its mere existence, then one does not realize that the stench of the place — a fetid conglomerate of sweat, manure, horse urine, smoke, and coal dust — is detectable as far away as Harris-burgh. It is populated by a corpulent, lethargic sub-breed of homo sapiens whose main concerns are, in order, (1) the manufacture of steel, (2) buggery, (3) whingeing, and (4) buggery-related whoring.

Degenerate Pitts-burgh Cretins At Work

Dear friends, have you ever made the acquaintance of a stinking pile of flesh with a surname out of some ill-bred Slavic line, who wants to talk of naught but the various “thefts” that have cost his team “assured” championships? Or have you run across a freed Negro who lacks any discernable skills other than (a) running and (b) making excuses for the long and aembarassing litany of failures he accumulated due to his lack of discernable skills other than running and excuse-making? Why then, friend, you have had the dubious honor of meeting none other than a member of the Pitts-burgh Steel-Men! If the Slavic oaf’s complaints were sequelled by a gigantic belch and an explosion of diarrheae, then you may instead have encountered one of the team’s not-even-pitiable fanbase. You have my deepest sympathies, my poor soul! May Death someday free you of the pain of such an encounter!

A Typical Conversation Amongst Pittsburgh Whores

If, on the other hand, you are a connoisseur of sinful bestiality, then may I introduce you to the women of the Pitts-burgh! Surely the Lord God would look more kindly upon fornication with a goat, or the blow-hole of a porpoise, than upon any form of mating with these horse-faced monstrosities. In my day, I have seen more feminine beauty in the piles of sardine entrails at my father’s cannery than I have seen in all of Pitts-burgh.

Finalists in the “Queen of Pitts-Burgh Pageant”

But why, you may ask, is such a pock on the fair face of America allowed to continue in its existence? Why has not the odious Pitts-burgh been culled from the flock, like the crippled lamb or the flatulent heifer? Because, dear friends, one must always have a chamber-pot if one wishes to keep one’s chamber clean. In this case, the fair city of Philadelphia, the shining diadem of Penn’s noble crown, must have an outlet for its sewage. As the faeces of the Boston masses is poured into the network of sewers and tanques septique, so the detrius and scum of Philadelphia are pour’d into the Pitts-burgh, the better to keep the City of Brotherly Love both brotherly and lovely.

But the line must be drawn somewhere! And the admittedly rough and tawdry name of foots-ball shall not be further sullied by this loutish lot of Steel-Men and their incessant buggery and whingeing!

Pitts-burgh Steel-Men Preparing For Buggery

And so, Pitts-burgh, may you feast upon male secondary sexual characteristics this week-end! Viva the Papists for this weekend only!

The Neverending Manny Saga

Posted in HZMLS, HZMLS's realistic fear of Mike Timlin, Manny Going Nowhere on January 29, 2009 by hzmls

There is nothing more rewarding than watching Manny beg for a contract this off season. At the beginning of the offseason there was talk that he was going to be looking for a 4 year deal somewhere in the 100 million dollar range, and well he was way off. It is really refreshing that teams are computing “selfish dickhead” into their final analysis of Manny’s true worth. Boras and Manny both completely misread the market, getting nothing more than a few “feeler offers”:

Yankees– 1 Year Deal, with incentives based on creating new Section 8 projects in Washington Heights to compete with Mo Vaughn’s apartments. Girardi has been actively campaigning to have him on the team because he desperately needs an antagonist in his future tell-all book “Mediocre Baseball”

Mets- 2 Year Deal, that requires Manny to only show up April-July since none of the other Mets show up in August or September either.

Red Sox– Sent Manny a smallpox infected blanket, which now is on his master bed.

Giants– A blank check to do whatever he wants, since Joseph Stalin could walk through that door and not be as much of a distraction as the slugger that preceded Manny.

Dodgers– Even though Manny saved the season by himself last year, the Dodgers are sticking with their original offer of 14 mil a season, since they decided to shit away the rest of the money needed to secure him by signing Rafael Furcal.

And I kid you not, the Worcester Tornadoes offered Manny a contract this week for 250,000 a year, which is around what the Red Sox are paying Jed Lowrie this season. It’s real cute when a minor league team tries for publicity stunts like this, while their at it, why don’t they offer Adam Dunn a spanking new donkey, and David Wells a lifetime supply of burritos at Qdoba. But hey, this stunt got their name out on a world class blog like Mass Hysteria. Yet there is a certain player who if he doesn’t retire could be a real find for a team like Worcester…He likes to hunt, has the reflexes of a cheetah, and could kill you before you bat an eye, and deserves to play in the minors. OH NO!!!

Get Metsmerized with the ’86 Mets and Other Random Crap

Posted in HZMLS, linkity goodness, Welcome to Slowbreaker, white boys and rap music on January 28, 2009 by hzmls

I have been going through a Jeff Pearlman phase the last few weeks, I recently finished his book Boys will be Boys, a look at the 90’s Cowboys, and now “The Bad Guys Won” about the 86 Mets. The Mets book is very good, and with 2004 and 2007 behind us Red Sox fans can now read this book and really enjoy it. Trust me, you can. Pearlman, who just left ESPN this week to resume work with SI is a fantastic read, especially if you like the sense of humor in blogs like MH, Deadspin, Big Lead, and anything by Bill Simmons. The above video is a rap done by the ’86 Mets mentioned in the book(sort of like their Super Bowl Shuffle), it is possibly the worst/best rap song I have ever heard in my life. It’s called Get Metsmemorized, the brain child of George Foster (who wouldn’t even finish the season with the Mets), and was created when the Mets had played ONE GAME. They make Milk, Vanilla Ice, and Fred Durst look like Run D.M.C. Please listen to it, you would be surprised, evidently being black doesn’t automatically make you a good rapper (i.e Doc Gooden, Strawberry).

Also the Hysterics Have Been Busy Over at SlowBreaker:

Smarty has been busy covering such things as the felonious brother of a PC player, the White Sox are creating Obama hats, and how playing Madden makes you more competent to run a football team than Matt Millen

I wrote some articles on soccer, shockingly twice, and got mentioned on Deadspin for the scoop on TO’s new reality show.

*GHABBY has created a new column that diaries his MMA training (This is a must read) and his weekly column that this week features….MORE MMA!

* Raquel wrote an NFL Conference Championship Preview, two games she thought were going to be very “meh”.

Tomorrow’s News Today: Scalabrine Leads Celtics to Win

Posted in Celtics, Gary Busey references, GHABBY, Scalabrine on January 28, 2009 by hzmls

We at Mass Hysteria were able to get an early copy of tomorrow’s AP story on tonight’s Celtics-Kings game, featuring a heroic performance from an unlikely source.

(AP) BOSTON – The fact that the Celtics defeated the Kings on Wednesday night was of little surprise to NBA-watchers. However, the game’s superstar will probably surprise many: former backup forward Brian Scalabrine.

Scalabrine finished Wednesday’s game with 42 points, 18 rebounds, 12 assists, eight steals and six blocks in what was easily the best, and most surprising game of his career. Even more shocking was the fact that Scalabrine had been considered doubtful for Wednesday’s game after suffering his second concussion in three days during Tuesday’s practice, but reportedly showed up to the TD Banknorth Garden prior to the game looking refreshed, completely healthy and passing all mental examinations from team doctors.

“I don’t know what got into Scal, but he looked like a completely new man out there,” noted C’s forward Paul Pierce. “I didn’t even know Scal could dunk, but here he was, throwing down alley-oops and swatting shots out of the sky. The only weird thing was that he’d only answer to ‘Henry Rowengartner’ in the team huddle.” Scalabrine, never known for his vertical leap, also wowed fans by plucking a quarter off the top of the backboard during a television timeout and blowing out an entire birthday cake that rested on the top of the rim, also finding the time to remove each candle from the cake while suspended in air.

His dunking feats aside, possibly most impressive was Scalabrine’s quickness on Wednesday night, as his eight steals included two separate plays in which he dashed across the court to intercept simple outlet passes. MIT scientists examining Scalabrine’s performance this morning noted that his on-court speed during Wednesday’s game would translate roughly to a 4.07 40-yard dash, which would set an NFL record. The same scientists measured Scalabrine’s vertical leap at 97 inches, which would shatter the world record high jump set by Cuba’s Javier Sotomayor in 1993.

High-speed cameras were able to pick up the blindingly fast Scalabrine in action on Wednesday night.

A postgame interview with Scalabrine revealed little about his sudden talents or post-concussive symptoms, as he only made odd references to fictional characters as “Chet Steadman” and “Phil Brickma,” and repeatedly asked for his mother. Ironically, Scalabrine also was seen turning to actor Gary Busey for pregame advice.

“I knew Scal had it in him all along, it just took a concussion to get it out of him,” noted Celtics GM Danny Ainge, who had been widely criticized for signing the longtime bench player and butt of many league jokes. “My only worry now is that the Cubs sign him, as he’s reportedly been throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs all morning.”