Archive for February, 2009

Hey Matt Cassel, Want to Play with Mike Vrabel Again? Good

Posted in Chiefs= Pats Central, godspeed matt cassel, HZMLS, Matt Cassel much improved, Pioli stop pilfering our roster on February 28, 2009 by hzmls

After all the talk about Brady finally feeling healthy, you knew this day was going to come sooner or later. Matt Cassel was traded to the Chiefs today. With Free Agency starting, the sooner the Pats got rid of him, the quicker they could jump in on signing a Julius Peppers or find someone who can play in the secondary not named Deltha O’Neal. Am I the only person who sees the irony in Cassel being traded to the team that gave him the opportunity to play when they maimed Brady? With his new contract the least he could is buy Bernard Pollard a steak dinner.

How many more ex-Patriot players are going to join Pioli in KC? First Vrabel, then Cassel. It’s pretty neat that Bill Belichick has now set up a “Patriots Central” in the KC Chiefs, and a “Patriots West” in the Denver Broncos. Belichick’s diabolic scheme to take over the entire league is progessing as plan. Ex-cell-ent. But are either of these teams interested in taking Laurence Maroney off our hands? And how long will it be before Bill Polian riles up the rest of the league screaming charges of collusion against Belichick and Pioli? It does seem a little bizarre that two teams have made so many interrelated trades and moves over the span of two days.

But whatever, Cassel my boy, you were the shit this year. We had a very up and down relationship while you were here, and I apologize for royally ripping you at the beginning of the season. You proved me wrong, time and time again. Thanks for giving Pats fan a season we shall never forget, well unless you want to count that fucking game against the Steelers. Best of luck over in KC, and here is to hoping the label “Systems QB” thats been whispered around the league are untrue.

Kevin O’Connell, the terrified hopes of New England turn to you.


Patriots Trade Linebacker, and it’s….Mike Vrabel? Huh?

Posted in GHABBY, Godspeed Mike Vrabel, Patriots on February 27, 2009 by hzmls

According to the Globe, Mike Vrabel has been traded to the Chiefs (great googily moogily) for an as-yet-to-be-determined price. Now, I get that Vrabel is going to turn 34 prior to the season, that his sack totals dipped from 12.5 in 2007 to 4.0 last year (though he reportedly battled a shoulder injury all year), and that to say “he’s lost a step” is an understatement. I understand all that, I really do. And there’s a distinct possibility that this could turn into another “Willie McGinest goes to Cleveland and stinks up the joint” deals that makes the Pats look smart in the long run.

However, on the surface, this trade still doesn’t make any sense (unless we receive a first or second-rounder in return, which I highly doubt). Vrabel’s cap number for 2009 was $4.3 million, certainly not chump change, but a reasonable amount to pay a relatively productive outside linebacker, especially given the OLB free-agent market. Most importantly, outside of Jerod Mayo, Vrabel was the only Patriots LB that you couldn’t constitute as “utterly fucking useless,” and yes Adailus Thomas, I’m including your broken-down ass in that list. Vrabel has missed only three games in the last eight seasons, his pass rushing keeps defenses honest, he doesn’t do steroids and rat out Barry Bonds, and he’s not named “Pierre.” Also, he can move the left side of his body, which is more than we can say about Tedy Bruschi. Out of the Pats’ linebackers, I’d consider Vrabel the second most competent, obviously behind Mayo. And that’s not even going into the fact that he scores touchdowns at a rate that makes Frank Gore cream his jeans into a San Francisco Treat.

Adalius: Boy, I sure enjoy not playing and still cashing those checks.
Tedy: Boy, I sure enjoy when I get to drink from a sippy cup and don’t spill on myself.

Vrabel’s destination also is utterly puzzling. Why make a trade with Kansas City now when it may prevent us from making the Big Trade (Cassel) with them later. If we’re dealing for a desirable player/draft pick from KC now, does that mean we’re not getting the No. 4 pick for Cassel from them later on? If so, where does that leave Cassel? We had all figured that the Chiefs, with their Pioli connection, would be the logical destination for Matty “Backup My Ass.” But has Pioli now taken himself out of the running for Cassel by trading for Vrabel instead?

Despite their 11-5 (inflated) record last year, it’s abundantly clear the Patriots need help. They can’t run the ball (and the Corpse of Fred Taylor, aka. LaMont Jordan 2.0, aint gonna help that), their offensive line got exposed like Chyna’s three-inch clitoris, their secondary is utterly pitiful, and their linebacking corps is weak at best. But trading one of their few competent defensive players? Utterly fucking mystifying. However, in a phrase I’ve uttered countless times over the last few years, “it’s Belichick, he must know what he’s doing here.” This time, I just hope I’m not wrong.

Throwing Softballs at Stephon Marbury

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, head tattoos equal batshit crazy, Marbury better not screw this up on February 27, 2009 by hzmls

For those living under a rock for the past week or so, it seems that Stephon Marbury will sign with the Celtics today, and could even appear in tonight’s game against the Pacers. Realistically, this signing will actually have minimal impact on the Celtics, as Marbury will probably take a few weeks to shake the rust off, and then max out as a 10-15 minute per game backup guard, acting as a less-drunk Gabe Pruitt. Seriously people, that’s all he’s fucking going to do. So to talk for MONTHS on end about the massive impact that “Starbury” will have on the C’s is completely and utterly asinine.

But speaking of asinine, I was particularly enraged by a Q&A session with Marbury in today’s Globe. Here was the Globe, granted an exclusive interview with the most hyped Celtics newcomer since KG, and a player with a past more checkered than Andy Dick’s. Here’s the Globe’s opportunity to ask the hard-hitting questions to Marbury, to try to find out what has made this man tick over his star-crossed career, and how his “clubhouse cancer” attitude will fit on the Ubuntu C’s. A journalistic coup, no? An opportunity to really cut to the core of one of sports’ most enigmantic figures, right?

Umm…not so much. Here are acutal questions that the Globe asked Marbury in their “exclusive” Q&A:

“How excited are you about coming to the Celtics?”

“How does it feel to go to a team that is pretty much drama-free?”

“If this chapter ends with a championship, have you thought about how emotional you would be?”

“What will it be like to wear the Celtics uniform?”

and the kicker – “How big is your smile?”

I’m not kidding. They seriously asked HOW BIG IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SMILE. Retarded sixth-graders reporting on lunch menus for their middle school newspaper have asked harder-hitting questions than “How big is your smile.” If I held a microphone up to the giant shit I took this morning, I would learn more than would be discerned from the question “How big is your smile?” Jesus fucking christ Marc Spears, you not only dropped the ball here, you fucking let the ball hit you directly in the chest, causing instant vomiting and cardiac arrest before slipping on your own urine and falling head-first on the ball, shattering your spine.

So, of course dear readers, you say “oh GHABBY, with your fake name and lacking pancreas, what would you have asked Marbury? What makes you so smart?” Here, then, is just a smattering of the questions I would ask the newest Celtic, should I be given the opportunity to do so:

“Every team that you’ve ever been traded to has become exponentially worse, while every team you leave improves by leaps and bounds the year after you’re gone. Do you care to explain this phenomoenon?”

“Your playoff field goal percentage is less than 37%, and you shoot 28% from three in the postseason. Moreover, you’ve lost all four of the playoff series you’ve been in. Shouldn’t Boston, as a team with serious Championship aspirations, be concerned about this?”

“The number 3 (Dennis Johnson) is retired for the Celtics, yet you sport a #3 tattoo on your head. How stupid will this look when you’re forced to wear another number? Won’t it affect the sales of your $12 sneakers and 99 cent t-shirts at Steve & Barry’s (a store that lasted all of four months at the Poverty Tree Mall by the way)?”

“Also, what the fuck prompted you to get a tattoo on your fucking head? Didn’t Tyson teach you anything? This evidence alone would allow you to plead insanity for any crime in the land.”

“What, exactly, was the information you reportedly “had” on Isiah Thomas when you threatened to blackmail him after he took you out of the starting lineup? I mean really, what could possibly be worse about Isiah than what we already know?”

“When you fucked that intern in your limo, did you leave splooge marks on the interior or the windows? What sexual positions are possible inside a limousine? Do you often invite white college girls back to your home, and if so, is your wife cool with that?”

“When you defended Michael Vick for his dogfighting ring, was it more a defense of dogfighting as a whole, Vick as a person, or a thinly veiled remark that reveals that you love to bet on animals fighting? If this is so, do you attend cockfights regularly, and if so, can you show me where the nearest cockfighting ring is? I hear that shit is awesome.”

“When the motherfucking KNICKS don’t allow you to show up to games or practices, isn’t that a little like being rejected from community college or being told you’re too ugly for”

“Since you’re cousins with Sebastian Telfair and all, is it fair to say that “wasted talent” is part of your family’s genetic makeup? Like is there a dominant chromosome in the family line that causes you to athletically peak at the age of 16 and spend the rest of your days squandering your talents and setting back the African-American movement worse than Flavor Flav? Is this condition covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act?”

“Seriously, a head tattoo? Really? Like on purpose?”

And finally…

“Did you know that, if you dare happen to fuck up this Celtics team like you’ve fucked up every other team you’ve been on, Kevin Garnett will literally cut out your organs with a rusty paring knife? I mean seriously, there’s a strong possibility that, should you act in ANY way like you have over the last 13 years, you will die in a brutal, bloody, horrific manner? Does this frighten you in any way?”

The Most Sane, Rational Post Ever

Posted in college basketball, SmartyBarrett, URI homerism on February 26, 2009 by hzmls

OK, I admit it – when you’re a URI fan there’s really not much to get excited about. You hope that someone like a Lamar Odom or a Cuttino Mobley emerges every decade or so so you can have something to brag about. Making the NCAA Tournament is far from a given, and often I’m just holding out hope that they can land an NIT bid and make a bit of a run in that. But last night…last night is why I’m a college basketball fan.

Thanks to the magic of TV on the internet, I was able to watch the entire URI/Dayton game last night, a huge game for both teams to be sure. The winner solidified their NCAA Tourney resume, and the loser drifted further and further back on the bubble. Rhody jumped out to an 8-point halftime lead, but Dayton’s defense plus some sloppy Ram play allowed the Flyers to tie it and send the game to OT. With about 15 seconds left in the extra frame and URI up three, Dayton buries a three to tie things up. Fuck. But then…then, well….this happened:

And believe me, I went nuts, jumping off my couch with both fists in the air screaming YES! YES! YES! My phone started blowing up. Then it was the top play on SportsCenter this morning. My phone blew up some more. I’m still reeling from this one. And this is why we love sports. Games like this. Seriously, the 3rd-best URI game I have ever seen behind this one and this one.

But don’t take my word for it:

“This is the greatest moment I’ve ever had at URI. It’s not even close. You only dream of these things,” said Jimmy Baron. “I’ll remember this for the rest of my life.”

The Sky is Falling! The Sky is Falling!

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, Hey kids look basketball on February 26, 2009 by hzmls

Clippers 93, Celtics 91. Now, this would have been an expected result in the days of Allan Ray and Gerald Green’s Corpse, but for this year’s Celtics, the defending champion 46-13 Celtics, to lose to the Clippers is like losing a knitting contest to Jim Abbott. Shameful, sad, pathetic, troublesome – insert whatever “really fucking bad” adjective you want, because last night’s loss sucked. Throw in KG’s strained knee, Pierce’s twice-dislocated thumb, Gabe Pruitt’s game of drunken dodge-em on the 405 and Stephon Marbury’s Stephon Marbury-ness, and the average Celtics fan may be downing Xanax like M&Ms this morning.

HOWEVAH, to quote a certain Cheez Doodle loving “journalist), I’m here to tell you that things aren’t nearly as bleak for the Green as one would initially think. Yes, last night’s bed-shitting was disturbing, but things aren’t nearly as bleak as they may have seemed last night in Simmons-land. Because I’m just that sort of guy, I’m here to present you, the Celtics fan, with five reasons not to take a bath with the toaster this evening:

1) The Road Trip is Over – The C’s have struggled on the post-All Star Break Western road trip for as long as I can remember, so to come away from this trip with a 2-2 record, including wins over Phoenix and Denver, ain’t too shabby, especially given that KG was gone for 2 1/2 of those games. The C’s now play nine of their next 10 games against Eastern Conference teams, against whom they’re 30-4 this season. Furthermore, most of those games are at home, where the Celtics have won 86% of their games. So the schedule gets much, much easier.

2) KG’s will be back soon – KG’s initial prognosis was 2-3 weeks, and there hasn’t been any news to the contrary over the last few days. 2 weeks would have him ready for the March 8 game against Orlando, and 3 weeks would have him return the next week at Milwaukee. Meanwhile, KG probably won’t be too missed in imminently winnable games against Indiana, Detroit, New Jersey, Miami and Memphis over that span. And when KG returns, he’ll be back at full strength and fresh for the playoff push, which can only be a good thing.

Pierce finished this game, and then banged your sister. And you thanked him for it.

3) Pierce probably isn’t sitting out – We’ve now watched Paul Pierce play for 10 years. He’s played through sprains, strains, bruises, aches, and even stab wounds to the face. He’s already stated that last night’s dislocated thumb won’t stop him, and I don’t expect to see Pierce miss any time with this or any other injury. The dude is fucking invincible.

4) Rajon Rondo’s testicles – The one good thing that’s come from KG’s injury has been Rondo’s full ascent to Alpha Dog status on this team. He put up 32 points against Phoenix, neared a triple-double in a blowout over Denver, and had 17 and 7 against the Clips last night. He’s shooting 59% over those last three games, making teams pay dearly for not guarding him. Rondo’s sudden elephantisis of the testicles has been the one significant addition to this year’s team over last year’s, and it seems he’s only getting ballsier.

5) Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury. Seriously – Look, I would have obviously liked to pick up a bigger name, but given the C’s salary cap situation, castoff vets were really all we could hope for. And given that, we could have done a whole lot worse than Moore and Marbury. Moore is a legit seven-footer who has years of experience in the league and can at least provide height and a defensive presence low, something the 6-7 Leon Powe and Big Baby couldn’t exactly provide. He’s also ten years younger than P.J. Brown was last year, and while he’s not the rebounder that Powe was, he’ll be able to fill the lanes better and contribute more on the offensive end. Marbury, on the other hand…well…I really don’t know. Best case is that he’ll be on his best behavior in Boston, and provide an improvement over the useless Gabe Pruitt and Tony Allen. Worst case? Well, I really don’t want to think about that. I mean for fuck’s sake, the guy has a fucking tattoo on his head. Sweet fucking Christ.

Enormous Nose Tackle Still Much Faster Than Rich Eisen

Posted in BC Eagles, bj raji haha you said BJ, HZMLS, NFL Draft, random stupid shit on February 26, 2009 by hzmls

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, god that sucked, HZMLS, URI homerism on February 26, 2009 by hzmls

God no, GOD NO GOD NO. First of all, the Celtics blew an easy one against B-Diddy and the fucking LA Clippers. Secondly we lost Paul Pierce to a dislocated thumb, which means if he missed any time we are going to be screwed harder in the ass than a veteran porn star. Injuries had already stretched the Celtics thin, as they had to start Fat and Useless, because of a neck injury to the Red Headed Irishman. First KG and then this, don’t worry A Pimp Named Dave R, Raquel and Smarty are monitoring GHABBY for the foreseeable future. We are just a little worried that Starbury’s signing might push him over the edge. Safety measures have been instituted as all sharp objects have been removed from the GHABBY residence.

Baseball started yesterday, well sort of. Josh Beckett started against the BC Eagles and thoroughly dominated their ACC asses, mowing down 6 in a row. As I said yesterday, big fucking deal. Then in the nightcap, Tim Wakefield looked pretty weak against the Minnesota Twins, and the Sox lost that one. Again, big fucking deal. We are now down 1-0 in the Mayors Cup. Wooopedity Fucking Shit. I forgot to add the World Baseball Classic to my list yesterday of sporting events that are fucking boring.

And URI won yesterday on a last second shot by Marquise Jones in OT. Or as I recall hearing SmartyBarett from my room “YESSSSSSS YESSSSSSS YEESSSSSSSSS“. Couple that with a Xavier loss, and Rhody is in first place, and probably in the drivers seat for a NCAA birth. I could go on but I don’t want to ruin what promises to be a logical, coherent Rhody post that might show up later from SB.