Archive for March, 2009

Mass Hysteria’s Super Spectacular Baseball Preview – NL Central

Posted in 2009 baseball division previews, brutal murders involving milton bradley, fun with anagrams, nl central, SmartyBarrett on March 31, 2009 by hzmls

Baseball season is almost upon us. As the weather (hopefully) gets warmer, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing all of MLB’s divisions to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life over the next seven months. The format is eerily similar to what HZMLS did with our NFL Previews, so I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. This is Part 2 of 6: The NL Central.

In case you missed it, Part 1.

Chicago Cubs

Why The Cubs Will Win The NL Central


Come on, they’re the Cubs! What would the playoffs be without some games at Wrigley, the Steve Bartman and Harry Caray Halloween costumes, and the tears and suicides to follow? The Cubs once again have a stacked team – offense, pitching, bullpen – the works. The NL Central is significantly weaker with the loss of a fat, fat man, and the Cubs look ready to capture their third consecutive division title. Zambrano, Soriano, Lee, and Dempster are all back, and Dick Harden (hehehehehe) should provide some help if he can stay healthy.


Why The Cubs Won’t Win The NL Central


Come on, they’re the Cubs! Maybe instead of failing in the playoffs they can just get the fail out of the way early and blow the division. It’s so easy to picture, isn’t it? Harden gets his Matt Clement on, Jeff Samardzija elopes to Vermont with Brady Quinn, Milton Bradley brutally murders half the bullpen… the possibilities are endless really. So every time you think they’ll win a game or a division or a playoff round, remember – they’re the Cubs. They’ll find a way to lose.

Cincinnati Reds

Why The Reds Will Win The NL Central

This may sound a bit odd, but the Reds actually don’t look half bad this year. They’re rolling with young guns Jay Bruce and Joey Votto on offense and they have Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto in their rotation. Are they the favorites to win this division? Doubtful, but I could see the Reds surprising a few people this year. If Homer Bailey all of a sudden comes around, it could get even more interesting.


Why The Reds Won’t Win The NL Central


The clear Achilles heel of the 2009 Reds is their bullpen. What, names like Mike Lincoln, Jared Burton, Josh Roenicke, Danny Herrera, and Nick Masset don’t scare you? I know no one’s bullpen in this division looks particularly intimidating, but these are the Reds, folks. Let’s just all give them some minor props for having a few good young players and move on.

Houston Astros

Why The Astros Will Win The NL Central


Two words: Lance Berkman. Dude raked last year to the tune of 29 homers, 114 runs and 18 steals in 159 games. If he can play over 150 games yet again, the Astros offense will greatly appreciate it. While I think Carlos Lee may have topped out last year, he can show some pop, and young guns Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence should contribute as well. Add in Roy Oswalt as your ace and hey, you never know.


Why The Astros Won’t Win The NL Central


“Houston Astros Division Chances” is an anagram for “Hands Novices Atrocious Shit, Son.” I mean really, Miguel Tejada? Pudge Rodriguez? Mike fucking Hampton? I mean, they’ve already had one player have OPEN HEART SURGERY, and the season hasn’t started yet. I anticipate similar heart problems for their most loyal fans.

Milwaukee Brewers

Why The Brewers Will Win The NL Central


May I present reason #1 and reason #2. Fielder and Braun are a nasty combo in the heart of this Brewers lineup. They combined for over 70 homers last year, they’re both young and have plenty of good years ahead of them, and they both played over 150 games apiece last season. Throw in Weeks, Hart, Hardy, and Bill Hall and the supporting cast to this two-headed monster isn’t half bad either.


Why The Brewers Won’t Win The NL Central


Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 Brewers Opening Day starter. The loss of C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets really kills this starting pitching staff. Now they’re going to war with Suppan, Doug Davis, Yovani Gallardo, and Braden Looper. They did pick up a pretty solid closer in Trevor Hoffman, but he is aging and turns out he’s going to start the season on the DL. They also have Jason Kendall, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about the bottom of their order. Also, a history lesson, if I may. The Brewers utility infielder is Craig Counsell, the whitest player to ever play the game.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Why The Pirates Will Win The NL Central


Umm…jeez, wow. Er..Nate McLouth is pretty good I guess. Uhh..Adam LaRoche has some pop in his bat. Ryan Doumit’s not terrible. Brandon Moss is…something. Jeez, this team doesn’t have a lot going for them. They’re going to need all of the above to emerge on offense, and certainly find a few diamonds in the rough on their pitching staff, because right now…yikes.


Why The Pirates Won’t Win The NL Central


Pitching, pitching, and more pitching. I know W-L means jack shit, but guess how many guys in the Opening Day Pirates rotation had a winning record last year? How about ZERO. Not even their ace. Their bullpen outside of Grabow isn’t much of anything either. None of this should shock you though – just expect a typical Pirates season.

St. Louis Cardinals

Why The Cardinals Will Win The NL Central


Hey, anyone hear of this Pujols guy? He’s kind of like the best player in baseball and shit. Seriously, watching this guy swing a bat makes me swoon like a school girl. I’m not willing to publicly disclose the things I would be willing to do to get him on the Red Sox. And to think, just this past weekend, resident WEEI genius Michael Felger said if given the opportunity, he wouldn’t trade Clay Buchholz for Pujols straight up. Felgy better hope I never meet him.


Why The Cardinals Won’t Win The NL Central


Once again, like many, many teams in this division (and in baseball itself), it all comes down to pitching. And the Cardinals don’t have enough of it. Wainwright is serviceable, but after him, they’re fucked. They’ll need a BIG bounce-back year from Carpenter, and they need guys like Lohse, Wellemeyer, and…jeez… Joel Pinero? Yeah, it’s not looking good.

Smarty Barrett’s pick to win the NL Central: Yeah, I know they tend to blow it from time to time…or like, ALL the time, but I’ll still take the Cubbies here. The only other team that might have a prayer is the Cards, but I just don’t see it. Maybe a Wild Card spot for the Red Birds, but the baby bears snag another division crown.

HZMLS’s pick to win the NL Central: Well since the rest of the division is a joke, I am going to go with the Pirates. Zach Duke will win the Cy Young and go 26-4 with a 2.10 ERA.

In all seriousness, the Cubbies.

What say you, readers?

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Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, HZMLS, watching sports and drinking on March 31, 2009 by hzmls

Good morning folks, it’s your old friend HZMLS here to take you back to the good ole days of Mass Hysteria. You know the times when we actually posted. The times when we could make jokes about sexually transmitted diseases, funbags and take pot shots at Derek Jeter’s sexuality. This morning’s breakfast should help you imagine the fun times we have had here in the past (wipes away tears), booze. Yes, let’s talk about drinking. After Lord Damien shifted the format of Facebook and added all sorts of Gizmos and Gadgets that were meant to confound and confuse their readers his lordship added the “Top 5” application. Basically the Top 5 allows you to pick your top 5 of anything you can think of; Worst Movie of All Time, Books, Assassinated Presidents, and Beer. This was a tough one, because at the age of 27 I have drank enough beer to shrivel my liver to resemble that of Frank Sinatras.

My Top Five Beers

1. Pumpkinhead- This is the beer of all beers, I literally get giddy when this is available on tap because it is so fucking delicious. Just imagine a pumpkin pie in beer format, and icy cold, and you have pumpkinhead. The only negative to the PH is that it’s only available from like August to October, and even then it’s hard to find. But my god Pumpkinhead, you complete me.

2. Sam Adams Winter Lager– More of a mans beer than Pumpkinhead (which I’m sure will invite the wrath of Raquel), Sam Adams is just what you need to make it through a tough winter snow storm, or frigid weather. Its bold, its tough, and its dark, kind of like the Jerrod Mayo’s of beers.

3. Seadog Bluepaw- The first time I went out for drinks with the Hysterics, after the Will Leitch book signing we went to Boston Beer Works and I got a Blueberry Beer. Needless to say ShitShow, GHABBY, Raquel and Pimp were relentless in their mocking of my style of drinking. Raquel at one point asked me if I needed an umbrella in my beer, GHABBY asked me if I wore panties, and ShitShow mocked my direction in life right before he placed 1000 on the next college bball game. I know the name of this beer should place this along the lists of anyone who writes for Outsports. But look I love blueberry beer, and I don’t care if it looks like it has rabbit shit floating in it.

4. Miller Lite- For every serious drinker there has to be a cheap fall back beer for those times when a) you want to drink alot and b) you don’t have alot of money to spend. For me that is Miller Lite, I know a beer most of you probably can’t stand. But me and Miller Lite have a long history, most of them involving the Red Sox. If you’ve been to the Fens you know that their beer selection in most parts blows. You can occasionally find Sam Adams, or a Guinness but they are either hard to find, or 9 bucks a pop. Miller Lite on the other hand goes great with Fenway Franks, and for me at least, nothing beats sweltering in the Fenway sun, then a cold ML.

5. Blue Moon– Ok another light beer, but this one is particularly good because they mix Orange-with beer. I can already read the comments “HZMLS jesus christ, you like girly beers” but Blue Moon is the shit. Plus if I can throw my other editors under the bus, Smarty can’t drink normal beer, and GHABBY can only drink Michelob Ultra because of his diabetus. And Raquel is a whiskey girl.

Note I did not place Yuengling on my list because I dont live in the three states in the entire US that it’s available.

So what have you my Hysterics, What are Your Top 5 Beers?

One Rams Fan Still Cant Let Super Bowl XXXVI Go

Posted in don't know if you heard but the patriots are also cheaters at everything, HZMLS, rams on March 30, 2009 by hzmls

Sorry for my complete disappearance over the last week, work has kicked my ass, and my free time has been dedicated to Midget Wrestling, calligraphy, and learning the art of Thai cooking. When I did have a moment of leisure I was doing my usual, lets dick around on the internet and see where it takes me. Usually this takes me to an exotic porn site, that involves three Brazilian women and a Sumo Wrestler, but not last night. For the first time in a while I did not find a video with cucumber penetration, but let’s be honest Smarty Barrett found the Rams video. Not satisfied enough with the bullshit “taped walkthrough” charges, this St. Louis douchebag watched the Super Bowl over again, and found every single uncalled penalty against the Patriots. Watching this is great because if you are a fan of physical football, you see what the other end of the spectrum is. Oh no he hit Isaac Bruce, waaaaahhhhhh, you can’t do that. Oh my god, Kurt Warner got sacked, that’s a late hit! You can’t touch Marshall Faulk like that, he is the NFL’s leading rusher! Look “PatriotsCheatedVideo” the Rams played football like a bunch of powderpuff cheerleaders dressed in blue and gold uniforms, they were soft, and the Patriots beat the shit out of them.

This video is completely random, and I have no idea what drove me to post it, but here it is. There really isn’t much going on in football right now, unless you want to talk mindless Draft Drivel, but Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have that covered. I really wish I had the time this asshole had to make my own video, because I have been piecing together a illicit video of a string of illegal hits by Osi Umeniyore and Michael Strahan.

PS- Sign Jason Taylor.

My Sense of Humor, Like Warm Weather, Is Slowly Returning

Posted in Bruins, Raquel, Ryder Cup 2008, YouTubey goodness on March 30, 2009 by hzmls

And so, it would appear, is that of Jack Edwards.

Throughout February and most of March, the Bruins have given us little to laugh, smile, or do anything other than slowly pluck out our eyelashes and light them ceremoniously on fire about. The past 7 games, however, have been a refreshing return to form, as our boys have gone 5-1-1 and are slowly beginning to look like a “playoffs team” as opposed to “a bunch of dipshits on roller skates chasing an errant grape around a tiled kitchen floor” once again. This is thanks in large part to the inspired play of deadline acquisition Mark Recchi, who has racked up 7 points (including 2 goals against Toronto on Saturday) in his last 5 games after a slow start for the Bruins. IT IS NOT IN ANY WAY THANKS TO OUR GOALTENDING. GUHHH. Anyway, there have been a number of spectacular performances over the last couple of weeks, including:

  • 3 assists a piece for Matt Hunwick and Dennis Wideman in Saturday’s barn-burner
  • 3 assists for David Krejci in last night’s win over Philadelphia
  • A clutchtacular win over the irritatingly good Devils
  • 7 points (3G 4A) in the last 5 games from Michael Ryder, who may not ultimately reach the 70 points I promised this season but who is certainly within striking distance of the 30-goal plateau from his earlier days of glory

We’re 7 points up on Washington and 8 points up on New Jersey with 7 games to go (Tampa Bay, Ottawa, NY Rangers, Ottawa, Montreal, Buffalo, NY Islanders). Things are looking good… and so, sayeth Jack Edwards, we deserve a chuckle. Please observe, if you will, the fine commentary following a Milan Lucic hit on Randy Jones below. BOO HOO, PHILADELPHIA. It seems the so-called Broad Street Bullies can’t handle a little physical play.

Mass Hysteria’s Super Spectacular Baseball Preview – NL West

Posted in 2009 baseball division previews, billy buckner, i love tim lincecum no homo, nl west, SmartyBarrett on March 30, 2009 by hzmls

Baseball season is almost upon us. As the weather (hopefully) gets warmer, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing all of MLB’s divisions to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life over the next seven months. The format is eerily similar to what HZMLS did with our NFL Previews, so I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. This is Part 1 of 6: The NL West.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Why The Diamonbacks Will Win The NL West


The D-Backs have a ton of youts on their roster ready to contribute and…what’s that? Youts. Oh, I’m sorry. Youtttthhhhs. Anyway, Arizona has some quality youngins at keys spots on this team. Of course we know about 28 year old Dan Haren and 29 year old Brandon Webb, the anchors to the D-Backs rotation. But they also have some young studs on offense. Conor Jackson (26), Mark Reynolds (25) and Josh Whitesell (26) make up a strong combo of young corner infielders, while Alex Romero (25), Chris Young (25), and Justin Upton (21) look like the outfield of the future. Throw in Chris Snyder (28) and Miguel Montero (25) behind the plate and this is a young-ass team. They also have a young pitcher who is ranked #8 in their system by Baseball America and could have a breakout year. His name is… is… oh god. Oh dear god no. This can’t be right. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh jesus shit no, they’re fucked.


Why The Diamonbacks Won’t Win The NL West


Yes: Haren, yes: Webb, no: everyone else. The D-Backs are going to battle with guys like Jon Garland and Doug Davis in their rotation, which doesn’t exactly spell “division title” to me. Garland is apparently trying to add two new pitches to his repertoire, and with disastrous results to the tune of six runs in two innings in the game he decided to break out his new cutter and curveball. Meanwhile Davis says he’s been bothered by a nerve condition in his throwing arm for the past five years. FIVE YEARS! And as for Arizona’s bullpen, well… Chad Qualls is their closer, and they signed 283-year-old Tom Gordon in the offseason. So you might want to throw that in the “weakness” column as well.

Colorado Rockies

Why The Rockies Will Win The NL West


Short of playing an actual game on the moon or being in Raquel’s bedroom on a Saturday night, I don’t think you’ll ever see balls flying all over the place as much as you do at Coors Field. It’s been in the top 5 of the most hitter-friendly parks every year since they started tracking park factors in 2001 and it ain’t going anywhere. We heard all about the humidor and the “that 475-foot bomb would have been a pop up to short in most parks!” during the 2007 World Series so I’m not going to bore you with it, but you know no matter what crap this team puts on there on offense, someone’s hitting 20 homers. The home/road splits for this team on offense continue to be ridiculous year in and year out.


Why The Rockies Won’t Win The NL West


You see that guy? That’s Matt Holliday. Notice anything different about him? Yeah, he’s not wearing a Rockies’ uniform anymore. This now leaves them with Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, and Troy Tulowitski as their best offensive threats. Couple that with a shaky rotation, a washed up bullpen, and Huston Street as their closer and they seem to be in a bit of trouble. Good god, how many homers is Street going to give up in that stadium?

Los Angeles Dodgers

Why The Dodgers Will Win The NL West


MANNYWOOD! In all seriousness, an offense that includes Manny Ramirez has the potential to be pretty damn dangerous. Add in Kemp and Ethier and that’s a pretty stacked outfield; plus it gets Pierre out of there, so that’s some nice addition by subtraction. Add in a stud catcher, some fresh new infielders and a promising young pitching staff and the Dodgers look like a favorite to win this division.


Why The Dodgers Won’t Win The NL West


Ah yes, Manny Ramirez, the blessing and the curse. No one knows his antics more than us Red Sox fans, whether his hamstring acts up again right in the middle of a crucial stretch of games or he defecates in the ivy at Wrigley during the 7th inning stretch. You never know what kind of bullshit he’s going to pull, and not even Joe Torre can prevent it. If he burns you down the stretch, Dodger fans, don’t come looking to us for sympathy.

San Diego Padres

Why The Padres Will Win The NL West


After being the subject of 4,861 trade rumors this off-season, Jake Peavy is back and ready to be a bad-ass pitcher once again. I know PetCo Park is like crazy huge and shit, but this guy can still deal. Add in Chris Young at the top of this rotation and the Pads continue to pack a solid 1-2 punch. Couple that with Adrian Gonzalez in the heart of their lineup and they have some decent offensive punch as well.


Why The Padres Won’t Win The NL West


This is not a photo from the Middleboro Padres 8-10 year old Little League team. This is, in fact, David Eckstein, 34-year-old Major League second baseman and SPF 130 aficionado. The Padres acquired him for his grittiness, guttiness, and X-Factor-ness this offseason, and they’re going to love his bunts, infield hits, and soft throws to first. Throwing this singles hitter in your lineup automatically makes you worse, and even though he’s a WORLD SERIES MVP!!!111!!!oneoneone, he’s also a short, pasty glass of suck.

San Francisco Giants

Why The Giants Will Win The NL West


Here’s a fun analogy:

THE ABOVE PICTURE : J FROM 3:10 TO JOBA :: TEAGAN PRESLEY PORN : 10TH GRADE BOY

Seriously. He probably just shot his wad all over his keyboard. And I’d make fun, except I can’t say I’m any different myself. Tim Lincecum is straight up FILTHY. Like might-be-the-best-fucking-picther-in-baseball filthy. And what’s so appealing about him to guys like me is he looks like a skinny little dork. And I’M a skinny little dork! Watching him work is an experience, too. He has a crazy long stride, he’s all legs, and it ends up as just a tornado-like blur of cleats and limbs and awesomeness. He won the Cy last year and smart money says he’s gonna win it again.


Why The Giants Won’t Win The NL West


Remember this guy? He used to be good at baseball! What the hell happened? Seriously, he went from Cy Young caliber ace to 5th starter, send-his-ass-to-the-bullpen garbage. I keep thinking he can turn it around (as evidenced by the fact that I draft him EVERY year in fantasy), but it’s time to start accepting that he won’t. Hell, the Giants brought in 78-year-old Randy Johnson because they didn’t trust Zito. The Big Useless even took Barry’s 4th slot in the rotation, relegating him to the 5th spot and a vote of no-confidence from the Giants front office. Oh well, at least they’re not paying him a fuckload of money or anything…

Smarty Barrett’s pick to win the NL West: The trendy pick here is to take the Dodgers, and normally I’m one to buckle to whichever way the wind is blowing, but I’m going to buck all trends and say the Diamondbacks are going to take this. I like their pitching and I love their young offense. I’m thinking break-out season for the Justin Upton.

HZMLS’s pick to win the NL West: Though they have less offense than a girls’ softball team, I am going to go out on a limb and say the SF Giants. The combination of Cain, Lincecum, and Big Useless should be enough to take this shitty division.

GHABBY’s pick to win the NL West: I’m going to take the Dodgers, if only because of the Manny Factor. For fuck’s sake, the dude hit .396 with a .489 OBP in half a season in LA, so even if he produces at 3/4ths of that level for a full season, he’ll give LA enough to win what is otherwise a shitty division. Eric Devendorf hits harder than all of the other teams in this division, and LA has enough pitching (Chad Billingsley makes me feel tingly in my man-parts) to win.

APNDR’s pick to win the NL West:

Sometimes I just don’t get you guys.

All these teams have good pitching staffs. However, only one team can actually score runs. Let’s look at the projected total runs scored by team for 2009, shall we?

Dodgers: 766
D-Backs: 101
Padres: 14
Giants: 13

Yeah, I’ll go with the team with actual hitters, thank you very much.

W.P. Foxtrotty’s pick to win the NL West:

What care have I for these wretched out-post clubs of bases-ball! May God spare their women from the perfidity of the Spaniards and the savagery of the Indians! Although I do wish no ill-will, and indeed actively wish for the safety of, the jeunes fils / homo-sexual paramour of Mr. David J. Drew of the Fens-way, Master Stephen Drew, who plies his trade in the Phoenix settlement. Now leave me be!

What say you, readers?

Breakfast with the Hysterics- Fun with Youtube

Posted in Breakfast, HZMLS, random stupid shit on March 24, 2009 by hzmls

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Breakfast, Bruins, Celtics, NCAA Tournament on March 23, 2009 by hzmls


What a weekend in sports here in New England, well more on a national basis than anything. Finally the literal orgy of college basketball is on hiatus for a couple of days, giving us all time again to do things we should be doing like exercising, work, and not gambling. Boston College went out and laid a giant egg on Friday night in more than one sport. As you all know, I overestimated the ability of the Eagles, as Tyrese Rice who has been off and on all year, decided to take the entire tournament off. Fucker. To be honest though, there were alot of great games this weekend, probably the best being Duke and Texas. Coach K took the game, but my god how many chances did his team give Texas to come back?

In WBC news (I know I don’t care either), the US was bounced out of the tournament last night by the Japanese. Roy Oswalt looked like shit, and Dice K did what Dice K does best. Which is throw 65 pitches in 3 innings, much to the shock of Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips. I watched about two innings of the game before I decided that my incoherent dreams where I hang out with FDR and Mo Vaughn would be more interesting than actually watching this game. Japan plays Korea tonight, but no one in America will know because more people will be watching Office reruns on TBS than the WBC.

The Bruins clinched the Northeast Division Title yesterday when they beat the Devils and Martin Brodeur 4-1. This might have been the biggest win for the Bruins all year, because not only did they beat Brodeur who was 8-2 since he returned, but they took down a Devils team that was gunning for the #1 seed in the East. The Bruins dominated the game from start to finish, which must make most B fans feel better especially after blowing the game against the Kings earlier in the week.

Finally the Celtics got Kevin Garnett back, and somehow beat the Spurs. No more wondering how the hell the Celtics are going to compete in the playoffs. Rondo is back, KG is back. Two words, fuck and yes.

Question for the Hysterics: Lots of sports this weekend. What was your favorite moment?