Archive for April, 2009

Patriots Make A Trade! OMG

Posted in hmmmmm, HZMLS, Patriots on April 30, 2009 by hzmls

wait for it….

wait for it….

Is the hesitation annoying you yet?….

No it’s not Julius Peppers….no they didn’t add any Linebacker depth….

The Patriots have traded for….wait for it….

ALEX SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, not the previous #1 draft pick from the SF 49ers. No this guy is actually probably better, former Bucs TE Alex Smith:

Ben Watson, after the trade for Chris Baker, and this trade, I think it safe to say that you might be looking for a new job real soon. See that’s what happens when you are hurt for most of five seasons.


He’s More Useful Than Heidi….

Posted in APNDR, Dave Roberts, NESN, Red Sox, The Steal on April 30, 2009 by hzmls
Your new NESN in-studio commentator is…..

Welcome home, Dave!

Ed. note: And yes, I’m ALL about the big wallpapers today, dammit!

Hey, What’s This In My Email Archive Folder?

Posted in APNDR, JD Poo, John Henry Love Poetry, Red Sox, whimsy on April 30, 2009 by hzmls

Ed. Note: While cleaning up my Outlook Express files, I discovered that there were some old emails from late 2006/early 2007 that weren’t actually addressed to me. I think I had been BCC:’d on them or something. But lo and behold, I discovered one that was, shall we say, interesting….

From: Henry, John (
Date: 11/8/2006 10:47 PM
To: David J. Drew (
cc: Epstein, Theo (; Hoyer, Jed (; Francona, Terry (
Subject: A Man’s Truth

Dear JD,

A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants.

We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts.

So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little Dodger-blue planet from my vantage point.

We feted that skeletal Gammons fellow tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed.
You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you.

I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a left-handed hitter he knows – even tabula rasa – with the attributes I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter. The subtle things.

I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service.

You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer.

So thanks.

No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.

But how would you feel about, say, $14M/yr, 5 yrs, with injury opt-outs?


John Henry
CEO and President
Boston Red Sox
4 Yawkey Way
Boston, MA 02215

p.s. You’re hot.

Montana and Hawaii: "Steroids are totally cool with us."

Posted in hawaii, montana, SmartyBarrett, Steroids, this has nothing to do with anything on April 30, 2009 by hzmls

When Everything Is Going Right

Posted in HZMLS, jonathan van every needs his own tag pronto on April 30, 2009 by hzmls

Last night was one of those games that just appeared that the Sox were bound to lose. Jon Lester looked completely ineffective, hanging pitches to Kelly Shoppach and the Great White Hope Mark DeRosa, and allowing 5 ER in 6 innings. Fausto Carmona looked vintage 2007 ( before he tanked against the Sox in the ALCS), and continued to mix up his pitches, at one point going completely side arm to Mike Lowell. The Sox had two hits through the first five innings, and the idea of Jeff Bailey and Jonathan Van Every doing much of anything seemed like a distant dream.

But this isn’t your typical Red Sox team. Remember, these Sox are never out of any game, hell they were down 8-0 to the Orioles two weeks ago and came back to win. Over the past two weeks it has been a different player who has shown they have Balls Made of Steel. Last night that Iron Clad Testicular Super Hero was Jonathan Van Every. Every who last year I had to ask Smarty Barrett who the fuck he was, had not one but TWO huge hits to complete an epic comeback against the Tribe. What better time to hit your first career home run then in extra innings? Welcome to Boston my friend, feel free to sleep with my sister and never call her back, you’ve earned it.

Watching this years Red Sox has been a completely different experience from teams in recent memory. Without Mannywood and the complete disappearance of Papi’s power from a team that scored lots of runs via the middle of the lineup to one dispersed from 1-9. And to finally have a team with organizational depth that can handle Rocco’s mitochondrial ouchies, and Dice Ks WBC destroyed arm is reassuring and helps me to sleep at night without the help of Nyquill. And doesn’t it feel nice to have the best bullpen in baseball, and we don’t have to deal with heaping piles of terribleness like Cleveland, NY and Baltimore? Up next we have the 8-14 Rays, who haven’t shown much of anything after their first series with the Sox, please for the love of Chirst don’t let them back into the division hunt. SWEEP THEM.

Celtics-Bulls Game 5: The Best Game I’ve Ever Been To

Posted in Bulls, Celtics, GHABBY, Pierce is a God in this town, Playoffs on April 29, 2009 by hzmls

I’ve been to a lot of Celtics games. I’ve seen blowouts, buzzer beaters, playoff Game Sevens, and even Acie Earl running like a flamingo with Fragile X Syndrome. Hell, I even worked at the Garden for a spell, during which time I may have told Lucky the Leprechaun to stop pulling his “gay shit” in front of Ron Artest. But last night was, by far, without question the most awesome, amazing and scrumtrulescent game I’ve ever seen live and in living color.

By now, you’ve probably read 15 articles about last night’s game (christ, the Globe even dusted off the Hulk Hogan-tanned corpse of Bob Ryan to write his own pap-filled paean), engaged in multiple internet flame wars over whether Rondo’s foul on Miller at the end of OT was flagrant (it honestly wasn’t, though Big Baby’s in Game 4 probably was), and started building a shrine to Paul Pierce in your bedroom, complete with Yankee Candles.

But I’m not here to talk about that. If you wanted an “objective journalist’s” recap of last night’s game, you’re clearly in the wrong place. I know we started this blog as a site for the “rational Boston sports fan” and all, but…well….um…HOLY FREAKING CHRIST ON A CROUTON WAS THAT GAME AMAZING!

First off, I must give “props” as the kids say, to the Garden crowd. Many have decried the milquetoast nature of the Causeway street crowds ever since the old Garden was torn down, but last night resurrected the ghosts of Celtics Fans of Christmas Past in both intensity and awesomeosity. 18.624 of us screamed bloody murder for the entirety of the game, rocking the overindustrialized New Garden to its fortified concrete core. Seriously, everyone there was going positively apeshit for the entire game. Hell, the dude who played McLovin in Superbad was there, sitting courtside, advertised on the jumbotron as “MCLOVIN.” (yeah, he’s not getting typecast or anything) I have no voice this morning, and the last time I remember that happening, it was due to singing “The Clansman” seven rows back at an Iron Maiden show. But last night was, dare I say, even better than Iron Maiden, minus of course the 20-foot Eddie that ambled out on stage during “Number of the Beast.” Which, now that I think about it, should really be a part of every big Celtics game.

Fortified by the deafening madness of the crowd, the C’s heroically pulled out a game that they had very little business winning. They were down by 11 with nine minutes left in regulation. Ray Allen not only was colder than a Catholic prom date, but worse, he inexplicably fouled out with 5:27 left in the fourth quarter. Things were looking dire for our Green, to say the least.

But then Paul Pierce happened.

My love for El Capitan has bordered on stalkerish on this site, but it simply must be said again – that dude has liquid nitrogen running through his veins. After three and a half quarters of “Rondo and not much else,” Pierce decided, at the ultimate moment, to carry the team on his back and will them to victory. He drained a tough 15-footer to put the game into OT. He started playing D like a madman. He sunk three impossible jumpers in the last 1:16 of overtime. Rondo may have dragged the C’s up the mountain, but it took the juevos grande of Paul Pierce to to truly reach the summit, and eventually victory. I know David Ortiz has the reputation of “Mr. Clutch” in this city, but, given his performances of the last two seasons, is there really any doubt that Pierce is the real Captain Clutch around here?

A few other notes from a game that has me running on absolute fumes this morning:

* I know Perkins’ stat line (16 points, 19 boards, seven blocks) looks damn impressive, but let me tell you as someone who was there: he could have done SO much more. The Bulls basically dared Perk to shoot from anywhere outside of 2 feet for the entire game, but he passed up shot opportunity after shot opportunity. We already know he can board, but if that dude ever develops an even remotely reliable 10-foot jumper (or more importantly, the confidence to take said shot), he’d be putting up 20-15 nights with regularity. The fact that shooting is the furthest thing from his mind whenever he touches the ball anywhere outside the key may actually cause me cardiac arrest before the age of 27.

*Ben Gordon is cooked. I don’t know if it was the hamstring, exhaustion or the crowd, but he looked absolutely nothing like the Gordon we saw in Games 1, 2 and 4. Sure, the box score shows that he had 26 points in 51 minutes, but those points came on 6-21 shooting, and with little in the way of defensive resistance. In fact, if he didn’t get to the line so often (11-12 from the stripe last night THANKS A PANTLOAD TONY ALLEN), the story that we’d all be reading today is how Ben Gordon’s hamstring basically turned him into Cripply McCripplestein for the duration of last night’s game, and, consequently, that the Bulls’ top scoring option is now one-legged for the rest of the series. As a Celtics fan, this gives me great joy and optimism.

*Ricky at Top Ten Chicago Sports (complete with angry comments from HZMLS and SmartyBarrett – Ricky, we still love you and you’re still part of the family) noted this in his column this morning – Joakim Noah has become the heart and soul of this Bulls team. I wholeheartedly agree. Here’s the thing (and note that this is coming from a lifelong Gator and someone who watched more Noah games in college than should be legally allowed) – Noah’s not a very talented basketball player. His main basketball skills include “yelling while pumping his fists” and “reaching over the back for rebounds.” But all of that said, when he steps onto a basketball court, his only mission in life is to win basketball games by any means necessary. He always seems to be in the right place at the right time, he’s always pushing his teammates to play above their talent level (something which Derrick Rose, for all his platitudes, seems loath to do), and he seems to relish in the role of “hated heel” that hasn’t been seen since the days of the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. If I was to pick a single NBA player that would pick a fight with Brock Lesnar simply for the purpose of sticking up for his teammates, it would probably be Joakim Noah. As much as I am bound by Fan Law to hate him for this series (my girlfriend referred to him as a “gangly, hairy turd” at the game last night), that’s a dude I’d go to war with anytime.

All of that said, as much as I’d like to make a prediction for Game 6 or the series in general, I really haven’t the foggiest as to what will happen. If the C’s came out flat on Thursday and lost by 30 on Thursday, I wouldn’t be shocked, especially given how gassed Pierce and Allen must be by now. Conversely, if they came out like gangbusters and bitch-slapped the Bulls on their home court Thursday night, I wouldn’t be shocked either. And as for a possible Game 7, really, all possibilities are in play. In reality, the truth lies somewhere in between – another overtime classic or two filled with ballsy shot after ballsy shot. But no matter what happens, this has been a series that we’ll all be able to tell our grandchildren about, no matter whether you’re a C’s fan, a Bulls fan or a basketball fan in general. I’m just glad that I got to witness part of it live. Even if it meant sacrificing my voice today.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in 2009 NBA Playoffs, Joakim Noah ughhhh, Julio Lugo on April 28, 2009 by hzmls

When did he become good? Jesus he came out of the draft and all people could talk about was his “intangibles” and “defense”, now all of sudden he has turned into Dwight Howard, just wayyyy douchier. Look at him, he looks like he has Aretha Franklin’s ass hair coming out of the side of his hat, and David Stern must have shoved his arm halfway up Noah’s rear. Just think Celtics fans we are two losses away from dropping this series to the son of a tennis player. But it looks like the basketball gods like Boston, because it appears that Ben Gordon will be sitting out today, which means that Chicago’s backup guard is set to drop 35 on Ray Allen. Crap, I can’t even imagine it. Please for the love of Christ win…..

And over in Cleveland, Julio Lugo will be making his triumphant return. Honestly, this is the most malaise I have felt over a starter returning since Nomar came back from one of his various ailments in ’04. Lugo on paper has to be an upgrade over Nick Green, but then again Green has played much better than we expected. So we should expect lots of Lugo strikeouts, dozens of LOB’s and closeups of his gaunt face all game. Brad Penny is facing off against Al Reyes if the game happens but then again its pouring in Cleveland….

Consider this an open thread for the night, discuss either game, or just random thoughts…