Archive for May, 2009

Boston Sports Weekend Preview

Posted in HZMLS, Toronto Dead Jays, Weekend Previews on May 29, 2009 by hzmls

Hey all, sorry about the lack of posts lately we swear that we are not ignoring you, our loyal awesome readers. To intice you further, there is a special surprise coming up next week here at MH I promise you, that you won’t want to miss. Where have all the editors gone? Well because I work with kids, I contracted H1N1 Swine Flu, and spent the better part of two days this week wretching over a toilet and praying for death. Raquel finally decided to join a nunnary and now goes by the name of Sister Francis and spends 23 hours a day praying in front of a cross. GHABBY has created a new brand of sterk that is powderized and can be added to a sparkling cider like Magners, for all you fairies that can’t drink beers because you lack a pancreas. And Smarty and APNDR? Well I don’t want to disgust you with the details, but it involves three dutch Midgets, a pair of tweezers and a rented mule….But anyways back to the sports:

Boston Red Sox vs the Toronto Dead Jays

Tim Wakefield vs Not Roy Halladay #1: The Jays have sucked more scrotum then an underaged Czech porn star over the past two weeks. They have lost nine games in a row, and their complete lack of pitching has been VERY exposed. No longer at the top of the AL East, the Jays are going to need to take all three against the Sox to show the rest of us that they aren’t just the Baltimore Orioles of Canada. In game 1, I see George Kotteras showing us that he was worth the trade of David Wells. If Wake does not immolate, I like the Sox’s chances in this one.

Brad Penny vs Not Roy Halladay #2: Look I may have over reacted with my Clay Buchholz post the other day, I get kind of stuck in this “BRING UP THE KIDS!!!!” mode sometimes, and its hard to shake. But the facts are hard to deny, for a number 5 pitcher this year Brad Penny has been very solid, who the fuck cares if he gets so much run support he wins games that is all that matters at this point. Not Halladay #2 is some guy named Tallet, who was a LOOGY last year, and somehow ended up a starter this year due Canadian Moose Flu knocking out 8 starting pitchers. If Penny does not immolate, I like the Sox’s chances in this one

Jon Lester vs Not Roy Halladay #3: Jon Lester has been the victim of some bad defense and a few bad pitches. Relax fellas, he is going to settle himself down sooner or later. Big Jon goes this weekend against some guy with the last name Romero, who isn’t JC (steroids), George (zombies) and Cesar (dead). If Jon Lester does not immolate, I like the Sox’s chances in this one.

Frivilous Prop Bet of the Weekend: I was going to make a joke and say that David Ortiz somehow finds his swing and hits four home runs this weekend, but that would be a cruel joke. How about 10 strikeouts?


Consider this an open thread for the weekend, feel free to comment on the games, or any other fleeting thoughts. Where will I be? ON A MUTHA FUCKIN’ BOAT


Great Beards in History: Serpico

Posted in GHABBY, Great Beards in History on May 28, 2009 by hzmls

In recent years, much has been made of the greatness of the mustache. The Mustache Revolution arguably started with the handlebar splendor of Rollie Fingers, built in momentum with Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood, took a slight downturn with AJ Daulerio’s “efforts,” and reached its pinnacle with “Mustache Wednesday” on my favorite site on the interwebz, EDSBS, which celebrates the grandeur of mustaches on a weekly basis in between feeding my masturbatory fantasies about Florida Gator football.

But, it is my feeling that the mustache has become over-glorified in recent vintage (though I’m shocked that nobody has written a 10,000 word paean to Dennis Lamp and his fantastic lip-tickler), especially when a greater, more manly form of facial hair exists: the beard.

Now, while Mass Hysteria is first and foremost a sports site, I’d also like to think that we’re also a site of wisdom and enlightenment, informing you, the reader, of All Things That Are Awesome and Manly. And given that APNDR is near Social Security age, HZMLS is about to trade in his penis for the shackles of a wedding ring and SmartyBarrett sings Jesse McCartney songs at karaoke, I have un-democratically appointed myself as this site’s Ambassador to Manliness. And, as I see it, an essential part of manliness is the proper wearing of the manliest of all facial patterns – the beard. So, in what will be a semi-regular segment, especially in these lean days of Boston sports, I shall enhance the Sterkness of the Mass Hysteria Universe by celebrating beards in all their glory. This week, one of the patron saints of Beardliness – Al Pacino’s Serpico beard.

Serpico, if you haven’t seen it, may be Al Pacino’s seminal work. Sure, he also kicked ass in The Godfather, Scarface and Gigli, but none of those movies exhibited Pacino at his most manly as did Serpico. He fought the NYPD (most of whom bore the standard-issue Policeman Mustache). He dressed like a homeless dude. He got shot in the face. He told the NYPD to shove their promotion up their ass and moved to Switzerland. Frank Serpico, even moreso than Michael Corleone or Tony Montana or Coach D’Amato, was a fucking man’s man.

The Serpico beard had everything you’d look for in a manly beard. It was full and glorious, but not pube-y (as my beard tends to be sometimes when I grow it out for too long). Pacino complemented the beard with awesome sunglasses and unkempt hair. If you saw someone walking down the street with that beard, your first thought would be “wow, that dude probably knows fifteen ways to disembowel me with a pair of salad tongs, and would do so without giving it a second thought.” It is a fine example of the greatness of facial hair, and a proper choice as our first Great Beard in History. Al Pacino (and the original Frank Serpico), we salute you.

We Love You Brad Penny But…

Posted in brad penny, clay buccholz, HZMLS on May 26, 2009 by hzmls

It’s Clay Buchholz’s turn. Jesus F’n Christ this kid is tearing up the minor leagues, last night the Buch pitched a near PERFECT GAME allowing on 1 hit through 9 innings of bonerific minor league goodness. Even though Penny pitched well through five innings yesterday, even while afflicted with the Swine Flu, his time in Boston may be at hand. Look at the numbers Clay, or Gay Fuckholes has put up (the lamest/funniest Yankee fan insult I’ve heard): “seven earned runs in 48 1/3 innings, with 23 hits, 12 walks, and 49 strikeouts”. With John Smoltz almost ready to return, and Buchholz pitching his ass off in the minors, how much longer will Penny be part of this team? Are we preparing for our annual Josh Beckett shoulder tightness or Jon Lester arm fatigue to clear up some room? Or will there be a bigger move in the future? Who the hell knows, but one thing is clear: Erica Ellyson>>>>>>>>>>>Alyssa Milano.

Wrestlers of Yore: The Honky Tonk Man

Posted in GHABBY, Honky Tonk Man, Wrestlers of Yore on May 22, 2009 by hzmls

The second-greatest Elvis impersonator I ever saw was in Las Vegas. Rather than spending $50 bucks to see some gay magician or Celine Dion, we decided our evening would be best spent watching the “American Superstars” impersonator show at the Statosphere, where dopplegangers of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and the King Himself serenaded us with their greatest hits for the low cost of 20 bucks. The show was fantastic, though it also should be noted that I was blisteringly drunk for its entirety, and later spent a portion of my evening pulling the Tracey Gold Trigger (also known as the Tri Delta Dessert) in front of my hotel room’s Porcelain God. I also lost about $500 gambling and have no memory of doing so. But I digress.

However, the far and away best Elvis impersonator I have ever witnessed was a man who graced my television screen every Saturday morning throughout my childhood, as well as the occasional Sunday pay-per-view. He sang, he danced, and he hit people over the head with his balsa wood guitar. That man was Wayne Farris, better known to you and I as the Honky Tonk Man.

Vince McMahon made no bones about presenting a cartoonish version of wrestling during the 1980’s, with roided-up superheroes and dastardly heels, who were often saddled with career-crippling gimmicks. Fine wrestlers such as Terry Taylor, Tito Santana and Owen Hart were given impossible gimmicks such as “The Red Rooster,” “El Matador,” and “The Blue Blazer,” shadowing the legitimacy of their talent with such goofy personas that made it impossible for crowds to take them even remotely seriously.

But the most over-the-top creation of Vince’s had to be his christening of Wayne Farris, an otherwise decent-but-not-great wrestler, as the “Honky Tonk Man,” a poor excuse of an Elvis impersonator. And he wanted to portray Honky as a fucking babyface (fan favorite)! Think about that for a second – if someone told you that a wrestling Elvis was coming to your town, would you go out of your way to see them, let alone root for them? Okay, maybe I would, but that’s cause I’m a complete loser. But the rest of you would probably want to spend your hard-earned money on, oh, anything else.

Farris, to his credit, took the gimmick and ran with it. Realizing quickly that a wrestling Elvis would be better as a heel (bad guy) than a babyface, the Honky Tonk Man quickly became one of the most hated wrestlers in the 1980’s WWF, hip-swiveling his way into the welcoming boos of the crowd. Farris cemented his heel persona by creating his own (insanely awesome) theme song, which he’d then proceed to give encore performances of in the ring. People grew to vehemently hate the man, especially after he smashed his guitar over the back of fan favorite Jake the Snake Roberts, an incident which Roberts claimed started his path to being a total crackhead. We’ll save Jake’s tragic tale for another time, but for now, let’s just bask in the greatness of Honky’s song:

Honky would then win the Intercontinental Championship from Ricky Steamboat, and defend his title by cowardly getting himself disqualified (allowing him to keep the belt) in feuds against Billy Jack Haynes, Bruno Sammartino, and Steamboat. Honky’s most egregious offenses came in a feud with Macho Man Randy Savage, where he shoved down the lovely Miss Elizabeth on Saturday Night’s Main Event in what was the first man-on-woman violence my young eyes had ever seen. (This was clearly before I discovered the pivotal works of Max Hardcore) I mean that shit was fucking scandalous for its time, and made Honky arguably the most hated heel in professional wrestling.

Honky at this time was proclaiming himself “the Greatest Intercontinental Champion EVER,” and with a year-plus reign, few could disagree. To this day, his reign of one year, two months and 27 days stands as the longest IC reign, despite the best efforts of Santino Marella. However, Honky seemed primed to lose his belt at Summerslam ’88, where the heroic gay barber Brutus Beefcake seemed prime to dethrone Evil Elvis. Then, sadly, Beefcake legit broke his face into a million pieces in a parasailing accident, and Honky had no opponent for Summerslam ’88 (which also featured Miss Elizabeth stripping to her bikini bottom, giving me my first boner).

A cool, cocky and bad Honky Tonk Man walked to the ring at Summerslam and issued an open challenge to anyone who dared face him. At that point, the music of the Ultimate Warrior hit, and Warrior Warrior (his current real name) squashed Honky in 32 seconds. I am not embarrassed to say that nothing in my childhood shocked me more than seeing the Warrior (my favorite wrestler at the time) run down to the ring and quickly end the impossibly long reign of the dastardly Honky Tony Man. I may have been only five years old at the time, but I remember absolutely LOSING MY SHIT when this happened.

From there, Honky had a few not-terribly memorable feuds with the likes of Dusty Rhodes and even a stint as the manager of “Rockabilly” Billy Gunn, who is pictured below:

Rather than putting the ol’ jumpsuit away, the Honky Tonk Man continues to this day to make appearances at your local indy wrestling show, playing “Cool, Cocky, Bad” before tens of people for a few hundred bucks a pop. Even now, at the age of 56, the man makes a comfortable living wrestling in the seemingly dead-end Elvis impersonator gimmick that Vince McMahon saddled him with. More power to him, even if he did shove Miss Elizabeth.


Posted in Baseball?, mediocre AL Central players, Raquel, wait what? on May 21, 2009 by hzmls

I appear to have inadvertently uncovered the mechanism by which the Twins made their off-season acquisition of Joe Crede in my Gmail inbox.

I suppose it’s not surprising that major league sports are feeling the effects of the recession; they’re just big businesses, after all. Still, I fail to see how giving away the game’s only tradeable asset addresses the problem of plummeting values across the economic spectrum. Shows what I know.


Posted in big popup, give the brother a chance, HZMLS on May 21, 2009 by hzmls

Big Slumpi.
Big Pop Up.
39 Games later

Welcome to 2009 Big Papi.

Somewhere my dog just shuddered

Posted in all vicks dogs go to heaven, HZMLS, ookie on May 20, 2009 by hzmls

A few days ago egghead John Clayton listed his four potential landing spots for Mike Vick, sitting at #4

4. New England Patriots: This is an example of a great organization with a head coach (Bill Belichick) who is strong enough to take a gamble on talent. If Belichick is interested, he’d first have to convince his owner, Robert Kraft. That might be tough. Kraft cares about the public image of his franchise. It’s also not known if Kraft could accept Vick’s transgressions. But let’s look at it from the football side. The Dolphins are light years ahead of the rest of the league in running the Wildcat offense. They drafted Pat White in the second round to carry the Wildcat to new levels. Because the Patriots must prepare for the Wildcat, why not bring in Vick, the ultimate Wildcat weapon? The Patriots haven’t reached outside to replace Matt Cassel. If Kraft accepts him, Vick could be an interesting possibility for a few plays per game in New England.

If John Clayton wasn’t completely wrong on everything he has ever said this would make me nervous. That’s all the Patriots need to clean up their image, one of the games biggest blemish. Maybe while their at it they can sign Chris Henry to play WR, and replace Vince Wilfork with Tank Johnson. For a “few plays” a game I can’t imagine the Patriots taking a risk like Vick, Moss stepped in as their #1 WR, but that risk was calculated with the ups far outweighing the downs. Maybe I just hate Vick because he is a douche to animals, but Hysterics would you mind seeing Vick in a Patriots jersey?