Archive for June, 2009

Rich Hill is the Modern Translation of Matt Young

Posted in HZMLS, john smoltz welcome to boston, rich hill is a joke, youk on June 30, 2009 by hzmls

You are watching the end of a once promising career. There is no way that he is going to have a major league gig after this piss poor outing. <<<Side Note: Adam Jones is a lot of fun to watch, first he robs Youkilis of a home run yesterday, and then today he probably broke four ribs running full steam into the wall>>> 4 runs already through the first two innings, and an ERA this year of over 8. Part of me wants to laugh, because I drafted him as my number two starter last year before he forgot how to throw strikes, but another side of me wants to see a Boston native be successful. Too bad though, I hate seeing baseball players who live in Milton playing for the Long Island Ducks.

Back to watching John Smoltz…who for some reason has not been discussed on this site.

Dustin Pedroyer’s New Gig

Posted in APNDR, Apologies to Eminem, dustin pedroia, Red Sox, whimsy on June 30, 2009 by hzmls

So I see ol’ Dusty has decided to take his expertise as an advertising pitchman to the next level, and is branching out into music videos. It’s a good look for him — I think that’s the most masculine I’ve seen him look in ages. As long as it doesn’t hurt his fielding, I don’t see why he can’t….

Um… what?

Mariah Carey?

Uh… never mind…..

Great Beards in History: Zach Galifinakis

Posted in GHABBY, Great Beards in History, I hope thats not his real penis at the end of The Hangover on June 26, 2009 by hzmls


I finally got the chance to see The Hangover last weekend, and advise you all to run, not walk, to your nearest motion picture haus to see this brilliant film. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more, and then I peed twice because I got one of those large Diet Cokes for 8 bucks.

The movie’s breakout star is clearly comedian Zach Galifinakis. Zach G (I’m not writing Galifiniakis 50 times in this post, sorry) steals every scene he’s in, playing a not-quite-so-quick-on-the-uptake participant in a bachelor party gone so, so right. Entertainment blogs and magazines have labeled Zach G as comedy’s next “breakout star,” meaning, of course, that he’ll be pushed down our throats over the next two years in a Will Ferrell-esque manner. But let’s soak in the good times while they’re here, shall we?

Many however have wondered why Zach G has finally caught on now, after years of toil on the standup comedy scene and parts in such failed shows as “Tru Calling,” “Boston Common” and his own short-lived show “Late Night With Zach.” Everyone’s asking, why is Zach G so suddenly hot now?

There’s one reason of course, and one reason only. His fantastic beard.

Zach G’s beard doesn’t just border on homeless, it carries with it a Dunkin Donuts cup filled with pennies and a sign that says “Will Insert Digits for Change.” His beard currently houses a beaver dam, two robin’s nests, and a 1984 Craftsman crescent wrench. A woman falling overboard on a Carnival Cruise ship once grabbed onto Zach G’s beard, and was pulled to safety. If you stand under his beard while it’s raining, not only will you not get wet, but your entire body will be power-dried like those newfangled hand dryers that dry your hands in like two seconds.

Zach G’s beard also shields him all diseases and maladies, including the dreaded “desire to dance like a Tourrete’s victim while at the Ellen show,” as displayed here:

Those of you unfamiliar with Zach G’s beard or his work should start with The Hangover, and soon gravitate towards his seminal FunnyOrDie series, “Between Two Ferns.” Here, he tickles Mikey Cera. You know what makes it funny? His awesome beard.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Meet Your Newest Celtic: Lester Hudson

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY on June 26, 2009 by hzmls


Long after the Eternal Damnation of Blake Griffin portion of last night’s draft, the Celtics last night made their first and only pick, 58th overall, third-to-last in the second round. And the C’s picked a player that some of you, especially those of you that played fantasy college hoops, may recognize. For those unfamiliar, let me introduce you to your newest Celtic: Lester Hudson, pride of Tennessee-Martin.

The Good: Hudson flat-out produced in college. After transferring to Tennessee-Martin out of junior college, Hudson led the nation in scoring his junior year, and finished second in the country in scoring last year to Stephen Curry. He scored from all over, showing an ability to drain from the outside and slash to the hoop, and despite his gaudy numbers, never really seemed to force shots at UTM. Hudson produced the first-ever quadruple-double in DI history, and had 35 points and 10 rebounds against Memphis. Despite being 6-1, Hudson has also shown a Rondo-esque ability to grab boards for a small guard, posting 11 double-digit rebound games last season. He was near tops in the nation in steals during both his years at UTM as well, showing that he has at least decent athleticism.

The Bad: Hudson is a 6-1 combo guard, which never bodes terribly well in the NBA. His level of competition at UTM was suspect at best, and he didn’t really prove himself against the big boys very well at predraft training camps the last two years. His lateral quickness and defensive acumen are somewhat suspect, despite the gaudy steal numbers. He also has a tendency to turn the ball over more than you’d like, though he reduced his TO numbers his senior year. Hudson also flunked out of high school, and had trouble graduating from junior college. So we’re not exactly talking brain surgeon material here. Hudson is also 24 years old, the same age as Darko Milicic and a full year older than Lindsay Lohan’s liver. So there’s that.

The Reality: While it’s not secret that the C’s are in dire need of backcourt depth (we do NOT want another Marbury-type roaming the backcourt next year), the C’s seem to take the “Irish Sunday Dinner” approach to their younger players, letting them simmer for roughly 5474833 hours before letting them see any actual playing time (see Pruitt, Gabe and Giddens, J.R.). With the right breaks, Hudson could be a Smush Parker/Luther Head/maybe Daniel Gibson type off the bench in a year or two, and worst case, spend two years in the D-League and never be heard from again. That said, for where the C’s were picking, Hudson was a decent and one that they can stash away for a while to see if he can hack it against higher level competition in the D-League. Just don’t expect him to see major minutes anytime soon.

2009 NBA Draft Liveblog

Posted in dead pederass equals deaderass, GHABBY, Hey kids look basketball, NBA Draft, Ricky Rubio on June 25, 2009 by hzmls


Welcome to the 2009 NBA Draft Liveblog, where it’s 1996 all over again. Shaq and Vince Carter are the two major stories heading into the draft, everyone’s talking about Michael Jackson, and someone, somewhere will drunkenly dance the Macarena this weekend at a wedding. Someone hand me a “Re-elect Clinton” button before I go watch “Independence Day.” WELCOME TO URFF!

While most of you are spending this time mourning the King of Boy Anal Cherry Pop, there just so happens to be an NBA Draft going on, limited in talent as it may be. We have much to look forward to tonight, including Blake Griffin’s impending doom, me awkwardly hiding a boner while Ricky Rubio is onscreen, and Tyler Hansbrough starting his career as the Next Brian Scalabrine. So in the words of the late Michael Jackson, let’s get this baby-fucking started!

7:23 – Before any of the picks happen, let’s first comment on the two big pre-draft trades. Shaq to the Cavs – he’ll now have played with Kobe, D-Wade, LeBron and (to a lesser extent) Penny Hardaway. He should start calling himself Shaq Gump. Also, I would pay good money to see Shaq dunk repeatedly on Ilgauskas in practice while Ilgauskas just sits there and takes it while looking like Lurch with alopecia.

Both of these men are simultaneously shitting

Reason 2 that I’d pay good money to watch NBA practices is the Vince Carter to Orlando trade. At least when VC sandbags this team, he’ll be closer to home. “Hey Dwight, let me teach you how to loaf on defense and quit on your coach.” And the prospect of Skip To My Lou going to Jersey is fantastic, both for the fact that he’ll have Devin Harris killed by NYC gang members, and for the first time that Brook Lopez invites Skip to watch Spongebob with him. The NBA: Where the prospect of one teammate stabbing another happens.

7:40: Ahahaha the “boy the Clippers are the drizzling shits LULZ” montage. Somewhere Bill Simmons, J-Bug and Blueboy have an awkward three-man high five. Griffin gets picked, breathes a deep sigh of paralyzing depression, and walks up the stairs to his doomed fate. Dead man walkin!

7:45: WOW that is one shiny fucking suit on Thabeet. That’s just 7-3 of sparkle right there. All the glitter on Fire Island was used to make that suit. By the way, I just checked Babelfish, and Hasheem Thabeet roughly translates to “Shawn Bradley with a better tan” in Tanzanian. However, it’s fantastic that he stole Andre the Giant’s voice.

7:52: NOOOOOOO. My dream of watching Rubio guide the Thunder has died a quick and painful death. YOU HAVE SPOILED DREAMS SAM PRESTI. Instead of Rubio leading the break with Green, Westbrook and Durant, James Fucking Harden will clog the lanes with his undershirt. There’s no Santa Claus. There’s no Easter Bunny. There’s no Jesus.

Hey Presti, you needed a point guard, not a guy to start “YMCA.”

7:58: And the Kings continue the anti-Spaniard racism by taking Tyreke Evans’ Arms. RUBIO WANTED TO PLAY FOR YOU SACRAMENTO. HE THOUGHT YOUR CITY AND LANDSCAPES REMINDED HIM OF SPAIN. I hope Spain now invades Sacto and takes Arnold as its prisoner.

8:04: RU-BI-OOOOOOO!
The Timberwolves are now my second-favorite team. I’m shopping for Rubio jerseys as we speak. I might learn Spanish, on the off chance he graces my presence. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE BITCHES, “PISTOL” RICKY STYLE.

8:11: Minny picks Johnny Flynn. Not sure why you draft two pure points in a row, but whatever. Also, did Jeff Goldblum die today too? At this rate, Artie Lange may wanna lay low tonight.

8:16: LOVE the Stephen Curry to Golden State pick. In that system, Curry’s gonna be bombs away, all game. For those of you who play fantasy hoops, pick up Curry with the quickness.

8:27: Jordan Hill and Demar DeRozan go 8 and 9. Clearly we’re in the “upside” portion of the evening. There are people who admit in public that they’re Knicks fans? Also, I wonder if DeRozan’s sick parents will now qualify for the Canadian health care system, and if Canada’s finest medical teams can help DeRozan learn how to pronounce “physicality.” Fun fact kids – DeRozan’s best friend is Lil’ Romeo. I’m not even kidding.


8:38: Brandon Jennings’ potential and New Edition-tastic fade was ruined by being drafted to Milwaukee, but then the STAR of this draft, Terrence Williams got picked up by the Nets. For those of you that haven’t read about Williams, the guy is fucking insane. He carries a Barbie backpack around campus. He wears different shoes to practice. During the national anthem of each game, he chants to himself “we are here today for another beauty of work.” I can’t fucking wait what this guy’s going to do in the pros. He’s going to make Drew Gooden seem like Richard Nixon.

8:45: Charlotte takes Dookie Gerald Henderson. Whoopity shit, Charlotte got another in-state college hero who will flop in the pros. Epic Golf Gambling Fail. And Henderson says he’s competitive “because I played golf for a while.” What a fucking dork. Also, to answer your questions, I’m sadly Strongbow-free tonight (it’s a work night kids), thus the accurate spelling and lack of quickness.

8:50: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hansbrough goes to the Pacers. This could lead to a complete white-out starting five of Diener, Dunleavy, Hansbrough, Murphy and Foster. LARRY BIRD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE. Also, given that we’re talking about Hansbrough, this picture is obligatory:

Also, my girlfriend just walked in the room, saw Stuart Scott and said “what’s wrong with his eyeball?” This is the best five-minute span ever.

8:56: We hear the blastoff to a NASA launch before the Suns pick Earl Clark, leading to David Stern saying something I knew he always wanted to say “Earl is not here.” Bilas notes that Clark has “incredible length,” much like Lexington Steele. His nickname is “E5,” giving him something in common with Scott Cooper. And then Brandon Jennings shows up out of fucking nowhere and waves at people. Sweet! Compton in the muthafuckin houuuuuuse.

9:01: Austin Daye becomes the first Somalian taken. Hey buddy, that sweater ain’t gonna hide the fact that you need a sandwich or ten. Also, it seems that the Jeff Goldblum thing is a hoax, making SmartyBarrett a fucking asshole.

9:06: How come Dick Vitale couldn’t have been one of the celebrities who died today? Yeah I went there.


9:08 – The Bulls take James Johnson, who was a “Martial Arts champion back in Wyoming.” I wonder if he studied Rex Kwon D0. Also, seeing the Bulls pick reminds me – Danny Ainge, go fuck yourself. Don’t ever speak in public again, unless it’s to apologize to Rajon Rondo and hand him wads of fucking cash. Oh, and your religion makes Scientology look legit.

9:14: The Sixers continue their fecal tornado of fantastic decisions by taking Jrue Holiday, who wasn’t even close to being the best guard on a terrible UCLA team last year. Hm, Andre Miller’s leaving, does Philly take the guy who’s at least three years away from maturing, or do they take a Ty Lawson or Eric Maynor or someone who can play, say, now? Oh, that’s right, Philly’s the team that overpaid for Elton Brand, my bad. Thank god they’re in the Atlantic Division.

9:18: The Timberwolves are apparently collecting point guards. I am utterly befuddled. They better be trading one or two of these guys, and by “one or two” I mean “Rubio to the Celtics. NOW.” And now Sick Ric Bucher tells us that Minny will be trading Lawson to Denver. That makes more sense.

9:27: Utah Jazz, please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Please take the Jewish guy. Dammmnnn, they didn’t take the Jewish guy. Actually, Maynor is a good pick, though he’ll be stuck behind Deron Williams.

9:30: Larry Brown is druuuuuuuunk. Like “there’s a 93% chance he pissed himself during that interview” drunk.

9:40: Victor Claver looks like everyone I went to high school with.

9:41: SHAQ INTERVIEW. He’s sad for Michael Jackson, but wanted to “congratulate all the kids there and their families.” For a second, I thought he was congratulating the kids that were living at Michael Jackson’s house that could now escape. He’s also had “mental” conversations with Mike Brown, but no verbal conversations. Shaq is the greatest man ever.

9:45: The Kings took the Jewish guy! I wonder if Tamir Goodman is part of his entourage.


9:51: BJ Mullens is this year’s winner of the Shelden Williams Memorial Ugliest First Rounder award. Also, he only started two games for a Big Ten team, and under “Must Improve” they put “Post Game.” All of that said, he’s immediately better than Dampier.

10:03: Ugly Guy gets traded for French Guy, Other Salaried USC Guy is now playing on the same team as Wyoming Karate Guy, and Liver Transplant Guy is now in Memphis. I bring the newzzz.

10:08: Sadly, this draft has lacked a “Giant Draft Night Trade” or “That Dude in the Crazy Suit,” two things I absolutely LOVE on Draft Nights. Not gonna lie, I figured one of the Euros would break out some crazy threads, but sadly, the wildest thing we saw all night was Harden’s bowtie. Also, Wayne Ellington is a black Jason Kapono.

10:22: Cleveland ends the first round with a guy from Congo. But the highlight of the last few minutes is the trading of Darko Milicic to…New York! Darko’s mood is currently….Crestfallen.And with that, I shall end this liveblog and go cure the raging case of swampass that has ensued over the last 3 1/2 hours. Godspeed.

Day of Death

Posted in deaths, HZMLS, michael jackson, Quick posts on June 25, 2009 by hzmls

Jesus first Farrah Fawcett, now Michael Jackson. Only 50 years old. Was it the compulsive plastic surgery? We probably will never know, but for now enjoy the best music video ever (well I would have put it in, but MJ didn’t allow embedding of videos on blogs):

PS- Don’t trade Rondo.

Do Not Trade This Man

Posted in Celtics, dumb general managers, GHABBY, Rajon Rondo done grownsed up on June 23, 2009 by hzmls


When I first heard that the C’s were dangling Rajon Rondo, my first reaction was “oh Chad Ford, you muckraker you, I will not react to your attempts to raise my blood pressure and punch my computer.” Rondo, as I’ve espoused many a time on this fair site, is a top-5 NBA point guard in only his third year, an unrivaled defender at his position, and is quicker than any guard in the league not named Derrick Rose. Surely, Chad Ford must have been jesting when he said that Danny Ainge, he of the awesome post-heart attack drugs, was offering the C’s franchise point guard for a lottery spot in the worst draft since Darius Miles was picked #3 (minus my man-crush Ricky Rubio, OBVIOUSLY).

But then I heard the rumors again. And again. And again. And then this morning I read that the C’s offered Rondo and Allen for the rotting corpse of Rip Hamilton, the not-nearly-as-good-as-everyone-thought Rodney Stuckey and circus freak Tayshaun Prince (seriously, the dude can tie his shoes without bending over, WTF). Such a trade would gobble up any and all cap space the C’s may ever have in the future, turn us into Pistons ’08 (a horridly shitty team) and, most importantly, get rid of the best pure shooter in the league and a franchise PG in the name of picking up three questionable players.

So it was of much surprise (and relief) to me when I heard that the PISTONS rejected the trade, proving that Joe Dumars is still the guy who drafted Darko Milicic over Carmelo Anthony. Really Joe? You think that adding Allen (and his $20m coming off the books next year) and Rondo would make your 8th seed team worse rather than better? Don’t get me wrong, I’m ELATED you rejected the trade, but you’re still dumb as a bag of rocks. And don’t even get me started on how dumb this offer was on Ainge’s account, as, best-case scenario, he’s royally pissed off a player he reportedly wants to sign to a long-term deal before he becomes a free agent in 2010.

But the problem still persists – why in HELL are the C’s shopping Rondo? I don’t care if he shows up late to games, has trouble shooting outside of 12 feet and eats first-trimester aborted fetuses, the guy is A FRANCHISE POINT GUARD, of which there are few in the league. Look – the C’s, as currently constituted, have probably one, maybe two legitimate championship runs left, especially if KG comes back healthy and they pick up a few (cheap) serviceable reserves. Why jeopardize that? Why “build for the future” when Rondo IS the not only the future but damn effective in the present, and the team’s two best players are in the waning days of their effectiveness? The Celtics’ time is NOW, not the future, to win another championship, and upsetting the apple cart at this stage in the game would be two huge steps back for a franchise that only recently started taking steps forward.

For the majority of my Celtics fandom, the team made an embarrassing habit of making short-sighted trades that mortgaged the future for a questionable present. As a hardcore fan, it frankly sucked. Here’s hoping that Danny doesn’t do that again.