Archive for July, 2009

Trading Deadline Special: Sox Get a Bat, Maintain Plethora of White First Basemen

Posted in adam laroche, casey kotchman, justin masturbate, Red Sox, SmartyBarrett, trade deadline, victor martinez on July 31, 2009 by hzmls

He kind of looks like a hispanic Doug Mirabelli, no? Except, you know …good. Yes, I’m sure you know by now: the Red Sox have acquired Victor Martinez from the Indians for Justin Masturbate (at least that’s what I heard Dennis Eckersley call him…) and 2 minor leaguers. Unfortunately, one of them was stud pitching prospect Nick Hagadone, who was ranked as the #3 prospect in the Sox system by Baseball America. But hey, you gotta give some to get some. And look, a power hitter! Wooo!

As I’m sure you know, Martinez is a switch-hitting C/1B/DH with solid power. Would Adrian Gonzalez have been preferred? You bet. But the Padres were asking for Clay Buchholz, Daniel Bard, Lars Anderson, Casey Kelly, Tom Brady, Raquel’s tits, 3 Celtics Championship banners, and $800 billion cash (small bills only). So Martinez allows the Sox to get one of the top available power bats WITHOUT giving up Bard or Buchholz. Now it’s time for Tito to figure out where he’s going to play.

Then, in another smaller deal, the Sox shipped the newly acquired Adam LaRoche to the Braves for Casey Kotchman. The white first baseman ratio remains unchanged! I figured this move was to flip someone for a pitcher. But no. So now we know who the Sox going to battle with for the rest of the season. Better power, still very white, and still question marks surrounding the pitching staff in my opinion. But hey, if this revamped offense can give the starters some more run support (like more than TWO FUCKING RUNS PER GAME, for example), they could start stringing together some wins. Let’s hope so.

So the trading deadline has come and gone. Let’s see what’s going on in the non-Red Sox world:

* The Yankees acquired Jerry Hairston, Jr. for some minor league catcher I’ve never heard of.

* Jake Peavy to the White Sox…and he accepted this time!

* The Tigers landed Jarrod Washburn.

* Orlando Cabrera continues his quest to play for every Major League team: he is now a Minnesota Twin.

And finally, I leave you with this to enjoy over the weekend: an amazing hate comment on GHABB,Y~!’s NBA Summer League post. Apparently we’re all completely ridiculous.

Well, duh.


This Would Totally Fix Boston’s Image

Posted in good god no, HZMLS, ookie, Patriots on July 31, 2009 by hzmls

“You know, Michael is an outstanding player,’’ said Belichick. “He hasn’t played in a couple years, but right now our focus is on our team and our players, trying to get the New England Patriots ready. That’s really where my attention has been, but he’s a tremendous athlete.’’

Oh great, after Spygate, Harrison, Belichick, Manny and Ortiz all Boston needs is this. Please for the love of crap say the Patriots are not thinking of signing Ookie aka Ron Mexico aka Snoopy’s worst nightmare, aka Lock Up Your Dogs. I am all about giving a guy a second chance, but the way the Patriots have been a run the past few years keeping out sociopaths might be a good idea.Jesus Christ, signing Michael Vick would put Boston in upper stratosphere of sports douchiness, in our athletes alone. Hey while we are at it Plexico Burress is still unsigned, and we could always save Pacman Jones from the career suicide of the UFL, and while we are at Stephon Marbury’s crazy ass is still looking for a deal (but then again his internet career is skyrocketing!).

Then again this is the trade deadline in baseball. And hopefully we will keep you posted if anything happens

Yeah, We Probably Saw This One Coming

Posted in Big Papi, GHABBY, Red Sox, Steroids on July 30, 2009 by hzmls

In a revelation that should only surprise people who have been in a coma for the past five years, the New York Times reports that David Ortiz, our beloved Big Papi, tested positive for the juice in 2003. Anyone who has seen his career stats realized that something fishy was probably in his system from 2003-2007, and it most certainly wasn’t his mango salsa. A few questions remain however after this “revelation:”

– Can he somehow blame this on David Arias, his alter-ego?

-Was Paxton Crawford his hookup?

-Will this still affect his chances of banging fat white girls at bars on Landsdowne St?

-Does this return Nick Esasky to his rightful throne as the best power-hitting Sox 1B ever?

-Did he take a special steroid that renders him unable to properly use a baseball glove?

-Is this proof that steroids not only make you stronger, but a fat tub of goo as well?

-Did Kent Hrbek ever inject him in Minnesota? What about Matt LeCroy?

-How many cigarettes did Jerry Remy smoke out his trachea tube after learning this news?

-What is Carlos Quintana’s reaction to all of this?

-Will Papi now strangle his wife and child before hanging himself on a weight machine?

-Does Papi own a weight machine?

-Is Bill James currently crying in his mother’s basement?

-When Ortiz points up at the sky after a home run, is he pointing for his mother or as a signal to the Sox ballgirl to shoot him in the ass again with some Deca-Durabolin?

-If I drink the David Ortiz wine, will it turn me into the Ultimate Warrior?

-Lastly and most importantly, can Papi PLEASE GET BACK ON THE GODDAMNED JUICE and stop hitting .220 for fucksake?

Congratulations James Edward Rice

Posted in Hall of Fame, HZMLS, Jim Ed Rice, Martinis on July 26, 2009 by hzmls

It’s the Sunday that Jim Rice has been waiting years for. He is finally getting inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. And although I’ve heard from a reliable source that Jim likes to “drink martinis and watch soap operas” at a certain country club, Rice was one of the most feared hitters in Red Sox history. As a young boy I can remember an outfield tandem of Rice and Evans, who at the time were my favorite players on the team, and that was during Rice’s DOWN years. Unfortunately I missed the years when he could do everything, I was just looking at his stats, its hard to believe that he led the league in TRIPLES. Anyways congrats Jimmy, and hopefully you can enjoy a nice stiff martini in Cooperstown tonight.

Drunk Liveblog: 1988 WWF Superstars

Posted in GHABBY, Hulkamania runnin wild on you, The Ultimate Warrior Actually Changed His Name to Warrior, Wrestlers of Yore on July 24, 2009 by hzmls

Due to the overwhelming reaction of last week’s pilled-out WWF Superstars (and by “overwhelming reaction” I mean Shaun saying “awesome” and a bunch of dudes on my wrestling message board saying “that was pretty funny, now fuck off Troll”) I bring back to you another inebriated review of an old WWF Superstars episode, this one dated Octoter 22, 1988. Tonight’s co-stars include the four Strongbows already digested and another four-pack beside me, a wonderful cornucopia of painkillers and muscle relaxers, and a Chicken Kabob salad from Giovanni’s. Mmmm Giovanni’s dressing. It truly is God’s seminal fluid.

00:27: We’re live from the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne Indiana, with your hosts Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura (wearing a Jesse Ventura t-shirt – self advertising is a wonderful thing). Shocked that the War Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne wasn’t otherwise booked. Tonight Brother Love will have Hulk Hogan, Jake Roberts (we can’t get away from him, can we?), King Haku, the (wanna be Road Warriors) Powers of Pain, and not-so-black Akeem.

2:16: King Haku, accompanied by Bobby the Brain, is ready to face David Isley, one of the less-successful Isley Brothers. Heenan asks us to show respect to king Haku, but given that most of the people in Indiana couldn’t pronounce “Haku” if spotted the “aku,” no respect was given. Still, I miss the “King” gimmicks. It also should be noted that Haku was widely recognized as the toughest wrestler ever, which parlayed him into his current job as a…used car salesman. BUY A CAR FROM ME OR I WILL END YOU. No credit? HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM.

5:10: King Haku defeated the White Isley Brother with an offense consisting entirely of KICKING HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD OFTEN. There’s something about an angry Samoan man in a purple crown that makes me wistful. Wistful for another Strongbow that is! That’s #5 on the night.

6:10: And now it’s on to Brother Love. Never has a sunburn taken a man so far. Love reminds us that he “LOOOOOOVES YOUUUU.” Love introduces Hulk Hogan as a man that has “no love.” No love for non-injectable steroids and wives that aren’t batshit crazy, not to mention wildly untalented daughters with Adam’s Apples, sure.

8:27: Hogan flexes (his only real talent) and is referred to as “Brother Hulkster,” something that no black man has ever called him. I should note that this is the period when Hogan temporarily ceded the title to Randy Savage, before raping Elizabeth in the puckering ruby starfruit and taking back the title. At least that’s how I remember it.

9:30: Brother Love brings out his “protection” from Hogan, the Big Bossman. Sadly, the Bossman could not be protected from heart disease, as he died. Bossman’s manager, Slick, could also not be protected from the perils of Soul Glow. Hulk notes that Slick could be “singing the Hulkamania prison blues.” Yeah, kinda like Hulk’s son 20 years later.

11:16: Bossman hits Hogan in the throat with his Billy Club, and Slick sprays him with Soul Glow. Hulk is then handcuffed to a guardrail that just magically appeared, and receives a further beating. For those of us that hated Hulk back in the day, this shit was glorious. It’s currently glorious for Linda Bollea, as she collects alimony checks.

12:50: Hulk still mounts a comeback despite being handcuffed. Why? Because god forbid they make Hogan look vulnerable for a second, because such a thing would “make money.” This made me drink Strongbow #6 in disgust.

13:10: And suddenly we cut to Tito Santana vs. Pork Chop Cash. Pork Chop looks like every homeless guy you’ve ever seen in Times Square selling knockoff Oakleys. I suspect Chico Santana will win, and then do something stereotypically Mexican.

15:03: Pork Chop has the most horrific looking scar on his back ever. It’s like a back vagina. In fact, you could probably hide an actual pork chop inside of his scar. Tito beats him with the flying crossbody in roughly 4.2 seconds. At least Manny Fernandez had the gall to call his finisher the “Flying Burrito.” Tito just called his “something you never saw at Wrestlemania.”

16:18: Event Center with Sean Mooney. And we have an Ultimate Warrior promo! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Let me transcribe this brilliance, because Warrior promos are even more hysterical when completely out of context (question marks pertaining to logic holes added by me):

Think what you may, think whatever you like, but this package didn’t put his things in a bag (?) and walk out no front door (?).

I was sitting in a castle (?), from a place long from here, sent for one reason: To attack, and keep coming(?), not to ask, but not to give (?), not not to want, but just to sin (?).

Sin the power of the Warrior (?), down everybody’s throat (?) in the WWF until they become sick of it!(?). Well you’re gonna get sick of it, because this freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell (?).

When I get big enough brother (?), there ain’t gonna be room for anybody else, but me and all the Warriors, floatin’ through the veins and the powahhh of the Warriahhh! * (?)
*snorts* (?).

WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? This guy was so batshit insane, and yet as a six year old, I hung on that fucker’s every word. But holy shit, whatever that guy was on, I want ten of them.

20:30: Bobby Heenan introduces two new members of the Heenan Family, Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson, the Brainbusters! These guys were AWESOME IN EVERY WAY. They should defeat two wimps with their hairy chests and the VD they shared with Ric Flair as members of the Horsemen.

21:50: Did Arn Anderson ever have a non-receding hairline? Jesse notes that Tully used to be a high school quarterback, and didn’t happen to mention that both of them were FUCKING HORSEMEN and therefore part of the greatest assemblage of human being ever, including Jesus’ disciples. Arn does the spinebuster, Tully does the slingshot suplex, and I do the Balki Dance of Joy in my room.

23:40: Update with Mean Gene, pimping the Survivor Series, which takes place on Thanksgiving Night. Jesus, if there were wrestling PPVs on Thanksgiving night nowadays, I’d never have to talk to my extended relatives. Instead, I have awkward moments with them while they remark “my how you’ve grown” when they’re actually thinking “Jesus Christ, you’ve gotten even fatter.” Also, I want Mean Gene Okerlund to oversee my wedding. In fact, HZMLS should tell his wife-to-be that they’re making an abrupt change, and that Mean Gene will oversee the proceedings instead of some child molester. And Mean Gene’s Burgers should be served at the reception. Make it happen HZMLS!

26:40: HEBREW HERO BARRY HOROWITZ. And he even patted himself on the back, because, well, that’s what Jews apparently do. Sadly, he’s slated to lose to Jake the Snake, who shakes his head violently pre-match, ostensibly to get the crack out of his brain.

27:12: Piss pause. I should note this: When sober, I can pee anywhere except the toilet. Seriously, I turn the area around the toilet into Lake GHABB,Y. My girlfriend is understandably disgusted, especially if she walks barefoot into a puddle of my urine. But after seven Strongbows? I’m a penile marksman, hitting my spots like Robin Hood with a crossbow. All the more reason to drink combatively kids.

29:20: Jake beat Horowitz with the DDT. Barry had a total of two offensive moves in the match: one punch and one elbow. I think that can be qualified as a hate crime, especially the part where Jake lays a Python all over Horowitz. You know who used to lay pythons named Damien all over Jews? The Nazis. You’re a Nazi Jake Roberts. I hope you can sleep at night.

31:19: More Mean Gene, pimping the WWF Magazine. He shows a clip of Hacksaw Duggan arguing with Dino Bravo on last week’s Brother Love show. Hacksaw says “Love It or Leave It” to the Canadian Bravo, inspiring a young Toby Keith. Hacksaw then gives an interview, which is missing roughly 40 chromosomes. Southerners wonder why us Northerners mock blatant Patriotism, but they honestly should point their finger at the moderately retarded Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He ruined it for us.

35:50: White Akeem dancing black! YES! Hakeem wears an African headpiece, gyrates repeatedly, and wears a dashiki with a map of Africa on the back..and oh yeah, he’s a fat white guy. How did Jesse Jackson not get all over this shit? Slick notes that he turned down Sugar Ray Leonard to manage Akeem, which, after watching The Contender, may have been a wise move. Akeem does Fat Guy Moves, moonwalks horribly, and beats Some Guy.

36:10 Akeem dances to Jive Soul Bro, the greatest song ever. You disagree? Watch the video:
Jive Soul Bro. By Slick

37:15: A MR. PERFECT SKIT! This time, Mr. Perfect is golfing, and…just a guess…he’s gonna golf PERFECTLY. He lines up a 40 foot putt…and it’s in the hole! Then he flips the ball on his club, and makes me wildly jealous.

39:12: The Powers of Pain continue to rip off the Road Warriors by facing two wimpy guys and doing shitty strength moves. This is before they hooked up with Mr. Fuji and instead were managed by “The Baron,” who dressed as the Grim Reaper. Seriously, anyone who saw the Roadies would realize what a horrific ripoff the Powers of Pain were. Fuck, they even stole their hairstyles and facepaint. Terrible. Because they couldn’t wrestle for shit, this match lasted maybe a minute and a half. Warlord at least gets points for having a multi-colored reverse mohawk, which must’ve gone over great with the ladies.

42:55: More EVENT CENTER pimping for the Survivor Series. Andre the Giant is co-captaining a team with…Dino Bravo? Really? A fantastic Jake Roberts promo thankfully saved what otherwise would’ve been a horrible advertisement. Jake’s team has Ken Patera, Hacksaw Duggan and Tito Santana, otherwise known as “guys who probably lost quickly.” Call your local pay-per-view company for pay-per-view availability because, well, it was 1988, and only like three cable systems in the US actually had pay-per-view capability.

44;50: Next week we’ll have angry black man Bad News Brown, the Honky Tonk Man, and an update on the status of Hulk Hulk Hogan. Spoiler Alert: Hulk survived.

Trade Deadline Ideas of Sheer Madness

Posted in HZMLS, mmm Roy Halladay, trade deadline on July 24, 2009 by hzmls

Now that GHABBY is done making rational sense about Major League Baseball’s trade deadline, I am here to throw a gigantic monkeywrench into our sites repertoire. Here is word from the mouth of HZMLS: Trade ANYONE on our team to get Roy Halladay. Seriously ANYONE. Want Jacoby Ellsbury? Take him. Clay Buccholz? He’s all yours. Jon Lester? Ok, maybe there is a player I wouldn’t trade, but seriously, I have a major man crush on Roy Halladay, only in a sports talent and “MY GOD YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME” sort of way. Can you imagine, 8 innings of pure pitching awesomeness every five days. Do I think the Sox have more pressing needs, such as a player who can hit the baseball? Sure. But as you go to bed, think of this:

Game 1: Josh Beckett
Game 2: Roy Halladay
Game 3: Jon Lester

/needs a tissue.

Trade Deadline Ideas of Sheer Genius

Posted in Baseball?, dry humping, GHABBY, Red Sox, Theo Epstein on July 23, 2009 by hzmls

For those of you that haven’t taken the Brad Delp route of killing yourself with a pellet stove, many of you may realize that the Red Sox, who had occupied first place for the vast majority of the season, are now two fucking games behind the dreaded Yankees. Sadly, this hasn’t been a case of “the Sox have been playing great, but the Yankees are just on a roll.” Nay, rather the Sox have shit the bed against such star pitchers as Marc Rzepczynski, Dustin Nippert and Tommy Hunter, the latter I’m almost positive were villains in episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger.

Luckily, Great Yahweh Theo made two brilliant moves yesterday, addressing the team’s weakness of having far too many lily-white players who spent 15 minutes per at bat fouling off pitches before taking a called third strike with two runners in scoring position. Yes, our White Knights have arrived in Adam LaRoche (hitting .250 this year against NL pitching) and Chris Duncan (who was demoted to AAA by the Cardinals prior to getting traded). Except, you know, the exact opposite. Fuck a tortoise.

Thanks to the geniuses at Riverfront times and their “What’s Chris Duncan Humping” photoshops

No, these Red Sox clearly need to make a MUCH bigger splash before the impending trade deadline awaits, especially given their loaded farm system and a mediocre sixth starter (Penny) who sucker teams are apparently clamoring for. The AL this year looks easier to take than Christy Canyon’s um…Canyon, especially for a team so rich in pitching as the Sox. All that the Sox need to do is find some guys who can hit the fucking baseball once in a while, knock in the occasional runner, and generally not make guys like Mark Rshzhszjxhcski look like Sandy fucking Koufax. Thankfully, the Sox also have a few positions (shortstop, third base, catcher, DH) that are open for an upgrade. That said, here is my Amazon Wish List of guys the Sox should trade the sun and moon for:

1) Victor Martinez – So he plays catcher and can move to first, hits for average and power, knocks in runs, his team can’t afford him, and he’s apparently a great clubhouse guy. WHY THE FUCK IS HE NOT ON THE RED SOX? Trade Buchholz, trade Lars “The Impaler” Anderson, trade Penny, trade whatever 16-year-old Dominican who’s real age is closer to 39 – I don’t give a fuck. Pull out any and all stops to obtain this man, lock him up to a long-term contract, and make Varitek the Tom Berenger-esque “grizzled backup catcher who never plays and fucks people’s wives.” This needs to happen NOW.

Oh, wait, wrong Victor Martinez. My bad.

2) Mark Teahen – Teahen’s a good hitter currently stuck behind not-quite-living-up-to-his-potential prospect Alex Gordon, so the Sox could probably get him for a song. Teahen does everything well and nothing spectacular, and would allow Youk to move back to first. He may not be the sexiest pickup, but he makes a helluva lot more sense for the Sox than Chris fucking Duncan.

3) Magglio Ordonez – Yes, I know the Tigers are in first place, but they’re also hemmhoraging money and are in a city where basically everyone has lost their job. Even in their current standing, they’re looking to unload salary, and Ordonez, with another $8m or so due this season (with his contract up at the end of the year), would bring a Manny-esque pop back to a Sox lineup that needs it. And while I know people will point to his poor start, Ordonez-watchers know that he’s a MUCH better second-half hitter, and has a 1.031 OPS since the All-Star break. Moreover, the Tigers would probably be more willing to take cash and a lower-level prospect rather than one of the Sox’ big guns. I don’t know if the Tigers would be willing to deal him, but it makes financial sense and he’s at least worth kicking the tires on.

4) Orlando Cabrera – The A’s are clearly done this year, and have the most desirable (and available) shortstop of all the shitty teams in the league. Seriously, I checked, and the other SS options on out-of-it teams are horrid or not nearly worth the price (yes Jhonny Peralta, that means you and by the way, SPELL YOUR NAME RIGHT ASSHOLE). Cabrera can at least get on base, hit a little bit, and has fantastic range for the position. Otherwise, he’s everything that Julio Lugo was not. Not to mention the array of fantastic handshakes. While Billy Beane (not the gay one) will be asking for the moon on Matt Holliday, I think his price on someone like Cabrera may be a bit more reasonable. Oh, and it also doesn’t hurt that the Sox are in DESPERATE need of SS. Do you trust Nick Green and a rehabbed Jed Lowrie for the rest of the season? Yeah, didn’t think so.

5) Hank Blalock – Granted, he doesn’t get on base a ton, but the dude can smack the ball out of the park, something the Sox are in need of this year. With Michael Young at third and Andruw Jones looking somewhat not-dead this year, Blalock is a man without a position in Texas, which, coincidentally, is in serious need of some arms. This would also allow Texas to bring up uberprospect Justin Smoak, which they’ve been dying to do. Would you do a Penny for Blalock (and maybe a lower-level prospect) trade? I sure would. His contract is also up at the end of the year, which could mean an additional draft pick for the Sox when he leaves.