Archive for September, 2009

The Sox Have Clinched!!!! ….Now What?

Posted in geekery, kittehs, linkity goodness, playoffs here we come, SmartyBarrett on September 30, 2009 by hzmls


Yes, the wait is finally over. No more irrational pink hat fans going ZOMG TEH RED SOX KEEP LOOZING! DO YOU WANT TO PLAY INZ TEH OCTOBER, SAWX?!?! Tell them to put a sock in it (no pun intended) and get ready to watch the Brian Andersons of the world hit cleanup for the next 5 games. It’s called resting your good players for the playoffs. Deal with it.

Unfortunately, because of this, the next 5 games mean nothing. Zilch. Zero. Bupkis. Nada. So what to do while waiting around for the playoffs to start? Read a good book. Hang out with your significant other. Pray that the Celtics sign Rajon Rondo to an extension. (Note to Celtics: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sign Rajon Rondo to an extension. PLEASE.) Or, if none of those seem viable to you, check out these links!

* Fire Joe Morgan. Fire him now. Seriously. – Yes, we’ve all heard the “Fire Joe Morgan” refrain before, but this is freakin’ awesome. Seriously. Friends at the ejected fan takes it to new levels of geekiness and kick-ass-ness.

* The Emasculation of a Man in 90 Minutes – One word: hilarious.

* Team Names – An Etymological Venn Diagram – I’m kind of in love with this site. /adjusts pocket protector

* Evaluating April MLB Predictions (2009) – Vegas Watch tells us: Who’s Smart? Who’s Dumb? And why isn’t the ‘Who’s Dumb’ list just a huge photo of Steve Phillips?

And finally, what would a linky post be without an I Can Has Cheezeburger reference?


Insert metaphor about the Royals trying to get into the playoffs here.

REMEMBER THE MAGIC NUMBER IS ONE

Posted in HZMLS, jon lester ouchie, lists for no apparent reason, relax people on September 29, 2009 by hzmls

Last night as I was perusing my Facebook feed I noticed a disproportionate number of my Red Sox fans complaining about the Red Sox game last night. In case you were like most of us and skipped it, you missed Josh Beckett missing a start and saw instead the craptastically ineffective performance of one Michael Bowden. The Blue Jays spanked the Sox all over the place, but please remember, the Wild Card is basically locked up, we have a 99.9% chance of making the playoffs and if we lose one game WHO THE HELL CARES. So for all of you out worry-warts out there, including those morons at Boston Dirt Dogs, here are some things to worry about instead:

* A Kansas City sports team making the playoffs
* The inevitable Saddam Hussein zombie led invasion and destruction of the whole world
* Waiting for Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom’s 50th wedding anniversary
* Any of the Mass Hysteria writers being sainted by the Catholic church
* Rocco Baldelli playing more than two games in a week
* Catching SuperSwineAIDS
* The Detroit Lions actually winning a ga…hhhhhhh shit
*BC playing Florida in the Rose Bowl. And David Shinskie actually outdueling Tim Tebow in the fourth quarter
* Raquel or Sh!tshow will ever post on Mass Hysteria ever again, and prove to the world that in fact GHABBY, SB and HZMLS are the worst writers in the history of the blogs
* Norman Chad writes GHABBY a Christmas Card. (Oh yeah the Couch Slouch actually emailed us, hopefully more on this to come)
* Natty Light becomes my favorite beer
* Joey Galloway tops the 100 catch mark.
* Canada invades and takes over the United States

And seriously, did you want Josh Beckett out there? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THREE DAYS AGO??? Here in case you are suffering from short term amnesia, I will give you a picture reminder.

So in conclusion, yeah please pitch Hunter Jones, Michael Bowden, Devern Hansack, Pat Rapp and all the other crap you have in the pen. As long as our starters aren’t getting hurt it doesn’t matter. But hell tonight, Clay Buchholz is starting for the Red Sox against Ed Romero so you should have your slam dunk win. So no more worrying, the champagne will be popped tonight, but please for my sanity no more line drives off our starters.

Imagine if Thomas Jones Got a Hold of Him

Posted in HZMLS, Junior Seau's porno mustache, very bad ideas on September 29, 2009 by hzmls

Dear Junior Seau,

Pissing off a bull and taunting it is probably a bad idea. Yes, actually its a terrible idea. Those long pointy things sticking out of its head? Those are horns, and contrary to popular believe, they can actually go through a human being’s torso. I can’t imagine a stupider sport than trying to avoid a pissed off and already irritable bull. You probably deserved your trampling. Maybe you should have just stuck to surfing pal. See you in a few weeks when Adalius Thomas breaks his arm, and Bill Belichick realizes that Gary Guyton isn’t very good.

~HZMLS

h/t to reader Alana G for the higher quality video (SEE WE HAVE READERS!!!)

Sorry Matty, But This Is Still Patriots Country

Posted in HZMLS, Matt Ryan is god, Tom Brady impregnated your girlfriend on September 28, 2009 by hzmls

TB: Great game there kid, what did you say your name was again? Mitch something?

MR: Hiya Tom! Wow I can’t believe I am meeting you!!!!!!!! No my name is Matt…Matt Ryan, I played football down the street from here only two years ago. Gosh Tom Brady. How neat!

TB: Really? That’s cool. I didn’t know there was another football team around here.

MR. Um, well I played for Boston College, you know the Eagles?

TB: Is that same as American Eagle? I modeled underwear for them once.

MR: No. It’s a college football team.

TB: College? Oh that was the SHIT! That’s the time of my life where I held a clipboard, drank lots of mint mojitos, and banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

MR: Yea, I spent my entire college career with one girl and studying in the library. Well congratulations on the win. You guys played well.

TB: Thanks, and we would have done better if my receivers didn’t drop so many fucking balls.

MR: Well give them a break, Joey Galloway is older than Bill Belichick, and Julian Edelman was playing quarterback at Kent State last year.

TB: Yeah, I guess I should give that Little Heeb a break. And isn’t it one of those Jaimie holidays today? Isn’t it Hunnakah or something?

MR: Yom Kippur. You know that holiday where Jewish people aren’t allowed to eat?

TB: So wait that scrawny SOB is going to NOT eat for another week? Jesus Christ. How many scrawny white receivers is Belichick going to give me?

MR: You should have seen my receivers at Boston College. I think one of our wide receivers wrestles now in the Mexican Luchador Wrestling League under the name “El Camaron”. I mean seriously do you know what that means?…….. Nevermind.

TB: Before you leave, one quick thing, I hear you were named a more attractive quarterback than me. Is that true?

MR: I guess so. I don’t bother reading the internet, I have games to prepare for.

TB: WELL I DID, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS FUCKING SHIT. HAVE YOU EVER BANGED A SUPERMODEL?

MR: Um, no.

TB: Ever give a movie starlet the good ole hot beef injection?

MR: Nope.

TB: ARE YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?

MR: Well, I am saving myself for marriage because premarital intercourse is a sin, so yes.

TB: GGAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.YOU ARE A GODDAMN NFL QUARTERBACK, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LIVE UP TO. NOW GET OUT THERE AND SPREAD YOUR SEED. OK BOY? BY THE TIME WE PLAY YOU AGAIN IN THREE YEARS I WANT TO SEE LOTS OF LITTLE MATT RYANS RUNNING AROUND EVERY STATE IN THE US AND ONE IN JAPAN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM YOU GOT IT?

MR: Sure.

Who Wants to See Dustin Pedroia Jumping on a Trampoline?

Posted in dustin pedroia, SmartyBarrett, sullivan tire, trampoline, wheee it's Friday bitches on September 25, 2009 by hzmls

I can only assume it’s all of you. There are no words…

h/t Jay from Fack Youk

Happy Friday!

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in biggie smalls is the illest, HZMLS, Los Angeles bashing on September 25, 2009 by hzmls

Good morning folks, happy Friday ya’ll. That means only one thing, only one more day until the first ever Mass Hysteria tailgating debauchery fest at Boston College! Bong!! Anyways, most of us still have at least one more day of work to get through before we can let loose and get thrown out of Alumni Stadium for streaking. But oh boy I can’t wait for some good ole Pumpkin beer (let the jokes ensue). Last night the Red Sox took another step towards their inevitable date with the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles. Which has got to make you excited because we all know what kind of luck the Halos have had in the playoffs against the Red Sox.

In the final game of a four game series against the Royals the Sox won again 10-3. I haven’t had a chance to say this on this blog but, thank Christ Theo did not do what the masses demanded and traded Clay Buchholz. He is awesome, I mean like really awesome. Last night in 6 IP Clay had 8 Ks, and his outting was worth watching the game. I may be a bit presumptious but whatever they tweaked in the minors is working, watch his changeup, he looks almost like a Pedro Martinez circa 1999. I get douche-chills when he pitches, because honestly if he is on, we have the best 3 in baseball hands down.

Most importantly the Magic number is down to three, and like Smarty Barrett I have a music video to go along with it, more to do with what is going to happen in a few weeks than anything:

In between watching the game I watched the Office, which was honestly pretty good. The Pam and Jim shit which I have bitched about on numerous occasions was kept to a minimum, which of course will make the quality of the episode that much better. At this point those two should get their own spinoff and put it on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel, because that is basically what they bring to the table. Oh they are so cute, Pam is pregnant and Jim needs money for the baby! The Office is the wrong format to have this type of storyline, if they put the “Pam and Jim” show on Hallmark the audience can watch with postmenopausal glee as Pam picks out her dress, the reception hall, the guest list and all the other minutia crap that is taking time away from Dwight, Michael, Toby and Ryan.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Posted in Big Papi, Breakfast, luniz, magic number, old school rap, Red Sox, SmartyBarrett on September 24, 2009 by hzmls


Good morning, all. So I’ve been a little quiet lately since I excitedly posited that the Red Sox had a shot to win the AL East. Well since then the Sox have blown a 6-run lead in a seemingly slam-dunk game, then ran into the awesome train that is Zack Greinke. (As a side note, if he doesn’t win the Cy Young, I am quitting baseball forever. Seriously, this guy is ridiculously nasty. I’m sure this isn’t the first place you’ve read this.) At any rate, they dropped the first two games to the Royals and the AL East dream slipped further and further away. But not to fear! The Sox got back on track last night, the Rangers are still dead and buried, and the Yankees pitching staff is still surrounded with question marks. Last night’s game was led by another solid start from Josh Beckett, going only 6 innings and limiting the Royals to just 2 runs despite allowing 12 hits. Just start resting up for the playoffs, cowboy. Meanwhile, the rotting, steroid-leaking corpse of David Ortiz decided to double down with decadron and socked a dinger, picking up 4 RBI in the process. Bring it to the playoffs, big man.


In other news, Texas barely sqeaked by Oakland to prolong the inevitable, but the Sox have Clay Buchholz on the hill tonight, hoping to further cut into the magic number, which currently sits at… well, I’ll just let Luniz tell you.