Archive for October, 2009

An Interesting Stat

Posted in 2009 MLB playoffs, fuck the Yankees, fun at the Yankees expense, SmartyBarrett, who's your daddy?, Yankeefail on October 30, 2009 by hzmls

In every series in which Yankee fans have chanted “Who’s Your Daddy?”, the New York Yankees have suffered the worst series loss in the history of professional baseball.

So there’s that.



Yeah the Yanks Won and Stuff

Posted in aroid, fuck the Yankees, HZMLS, world series on October 26, 2009 by hzmls

So the Yankees euthanized the Rally Monkey with a butcher knife, and made Anaheim look like the ummmm Red Sox. Know what will make us Bostonians feel better? This. Which oddly enough I could watch for hours on end, look at the hypnotic rhythmn in which he strokes that bat. Weird huh? An animated gif that looks like A-Rod jacking off is amusing to me, well there really isn’t anything else for me to cheer about baseball wise this time of year. As much as other Boston sites are going to blah blah blah about the Phils winning, the Yanks are going to win…easily. Five games? .Probably, as much as I hate to admit it. Do I really want to see the Yanks win? Absolutely not, I hate watching them win as much as I hate reading about how clutchy Mr. Captain Clutchy is, or the incessant shots of Kate Hudson during the games. So if you are a Yankees fan and unfortunately stumbled upon this blog, congrats on your American League Championship and cherish it, because next year the newly reloaded Red Sox consisting of Felix Hernandez, Adrian Gonzalez and some sort of Jason Bay-Matt Holliday hybrid will kick your ass.

Lord Stuffybritches Presents The Patriots versus the Buccaneers American Football Preview

Posted in english football preview, HZMLS, live from london its American football, lord stuffybritches, tampa bay bucs suuuuuuuuckkkk on October 23, 2009 by hzmls

‘Allo! Me name is Lord Stuffybritches, overseerer of the skint in the County of Liverpool. This weekend the Yankee football club the Patriots of New Engerland (those traitorous vermin) will be playing the Tampa Bay Swashbucklers in an exhibition of Yank rules football. Frankly I find the game boring, as the Yanks hae yet to really appreciate the fine art of real football, with the yellow cards and low scoring matches. Boff all ye yanks. The goal of this game is to tackle the opponent before they sneak the ball past the goal line. How brutish and uncivilized!

So first off, in the spirit of Mass Hysteria, a Yank blog written by four undesirables and a wench, we must pick the pregame ale: which of course is Bass, the ale of pommy royalty. Please don’t bring any Guiness to any of my parties, because I would rather drink the wazz of a maiden with the plague than drink that Irish cack. And I would never drink Beck’s, the official ale of those blinking wankers the Gerry.

Pregame Food: Steak and kidney pie with mash. What better to compliment y’r Bass ale than a steaming plate of a steak and kidney? Does anything say football more than this delicious combination?

Pregame Music: Of course my favourite musician is the beautiful graft of Sir Granville Bantock, whose Fire Worshippers Choral makes Stanley Bate sound like Henry Purcell if ye catch me drift.
Lady of the Week: Elizabeth I. No other bint shows power and nobility like Elizabeth. Underneath those pantaloons was pure womanhood unmatched by any lady nowadays. What me wouldn’t give to take off petticoat and rub me beard all over her pale bodice.

The Game: The New Englanger Patriots are led by Thomas Brady, a noble American football tosser who has shown a real skill pitching the ball both on and off the pit. In this match I expect to see Brady hurl passes towards the heavens to his African Ball-Catcher Randall Moss. The Bucs on the other hand have a ball tosser that is reminiscent of Tomas Brolin and his days playing for that pitiful group of scalliwags the Leeds. They make me want to razz up me bangers and mash.

On the defensive, the Patriots will have such a strong protection from attacks from in the air that Winston Churchill will blush. The Patriots of New Engerland have a superior defensive squad second only to Manchester United. The Bucs have made more questionable move than Neville Chamberlain, so it is no wonder they are the laughers of the National Footballs League. The biggest mistakes the Pirates offensive made was demoting Byron Leftwich, who must be a Brit. Byron is a name of British royalty, and our most famous citizen Lord Byron must be whom Leftwich’s mater was thinking of when she named her poppet. How divine! How could they not win with a name such as that? Yet now the Bucs hae a tosser named Josh Johnson, the name of an Irish drunkard, and they lose at a rate faster than a French Naval Fleet. But in honour of this wretched team I would fancy to dedicate this poem from Lord Byron entitled And Thou Art Dead, As Young and Fair

The flower in ripen’d bloom unmatch’d
Must fall the earliest prey;
Though by no hand untimely snatch’d,
The leaves must drop away:
And yet it were a greater grief
To watch it withering, leaf by leaf,
Than see it pluck’d to-day;
Since earthly eye but ill can bear
To trace the change to foul from fair.

Me is ready to see some Yankee football!!

Adios Amigo

Posted in don't know if you heard but the patriots are also cheaters at everything, HZMLS, joey galloway hit the road jack on October 21, 2009 by hzmls

Yeah no one here is going to shed any tears for your Mr. Galloway. Your stay in New England was short, you dropped passes, ran shitty routes, lost track of the back of the end zone, and got your ass chewed out by Tom. And in the end you were benched for the last three games and replaced by a Jew from Kent State and Sam Aiken. At 36 years old you were a good at ummmmm, and uhhhhhhh yeah. So enjoy playing for the Chefs, or whatever other wide receiver deprived team which is street lingo for “Team with No chance at making the playoffs”. Hopefully the Seahawks will release Deion Branch, and we can sign him back, then again Troy Brown doesn’t seem to have much going on for him.

Pat I liked to buy an "A"

Posted in HZMLS, pat sajak, random stupid shit on October 19, 2009 by hzmls

Ange_s are going to _ose.

I’d like to solve the puzzle.

SAT Analogy Prep. – Courtesy of Mass Hysteria

Posted in 59-0, Patriots, poor analogies, running up the score, SmartyBarrett, too soon? on October 19, 2009 by hzmls

As we get into the usual SAT months, many high school students may be panicking as they try to prepare for likely the biggest standardized test of their lives. But not to worry, kids. If you saw the Patriots 59-0 drubbing of the Titans yesterday, you should be able to follow along with this. Any of the below are suitable answers to the following analogy:

Patriots : Titans ::

The Harlem Globetrotters : The Washington Generals

Mark David Chapman : John Lennon

Cold Weather : Mark Sanchez’s Career

Vomit : Jimi Hendrix

Peter North : Lacie Heart

Jack Daniels : An Unborn Fetus

MLB Steroid Testing : Bobby Abreu’s HR Numbers

The Ramseys : JonBenét

Whole Wheat Toast : Smarty Barrett

Mike’s Pastry Cannoli : GHABB,Y~!

Dave Henderson’s HR : Donnie Moore

The US Military : Pat Tillman

A Book : A Florida State University Player

Rocket Booster Failure : The Space Shuttle Challenger

Derek Jeter : Really, you can’t begin to measure the intangibles on this guy… I mean, if you were looking to define the word “leader”, you’d have to start with Derek Jeter. Look at the way he approaches the plate — can you think of a better example for young players? Just point at Derek Jeter, and say “That, son, is baseball. That is being a man.” (contributed by Fox Sports)

A Weight Machine : Nancy Benoit

Yours in the comments!

OH YEAH!!! Patriots- Houston Oilers Sort-of-Live Blog

Posted in HZMLS, Laurence "Glass Joe" Maroney, Live Blog, The Tennessee Crapfactory, Tom Brady pwnage on October 18, 2009 by hzmls

Whoa Whoa Whoa. At 4:39 Lawrence Maroney sprung himself for a 50 yard plus touchdown run. What kind of bizarro world is this? In the spirit of texts from last night, we at Mass Hysteria present: texts from 5 minutes ago.

Smarty Barrett 4:40pm: Wash u ass
HZMLS @ 4:440pm: Wash you ass.

Back to the game. Go Pats

Edit #1: On my way back from Dunkin’s, with my traditional post hangover iced coffee I was listening to Gino Cappalletti on WBCN or whatever the hell the new radio station is that carries the Patriots. He on FOUR occasions referred to the Titans as the Oilers. Which raises an interesting question: Was he doing it because of the uniforms or because Gino really believes that the Pats are still playing the Houston Oilers.

Edit #2: I was going to come up with a witty comment about Lendale White fumbling, but I will let this photoshop pic I found on google speak for itself:

Look at that blubber fly!

Edit #3: In the spirit of Tecmo Super Bowl, Tom Brady completes a flea flicker to Randy Moss. Can the Patriots just play in the snow for the rest of the season?

Edit #4: Kerry Collins just fumbled the ball, the second fumble in the second quarter. In related news Kerry Collins isn’t a very good quarterback. In even more related news the Titans suck.

Edit #5: Titans fans I hope you are enjoying this. Brady hits Moss for another touchdown pass, and after the play Randy Moss bent Jeff Fisher over and had his way with him. Chris Hope I hope you get Swine Flu, don’t you ever touch Tommy like that.

Edit #6: Kerry Collins intercepted by Darius Butler, for like the 34th Titans turnover, followed by his typical “oh shit” face. Before the game Phil Simms mentioned the Pats were starting a mostly rookie secondary against the Titans, I think Belichick could have started Quincy High School’s Defense against Tennessee and the Pats could still win.

Edit #7: Brady to Kevin Faulk. Nothing takes the sting out of a loss like a humiliating win. What the hell is wrong with Kyle Vanden Bosch’s head? At what point does Jeff Fisher take out Kerry Collins and put in Vince Young? Or is he afraid that VY will be too sad about stuff to be effective?
Kerry Collins 1 for 8 with 1 interception. 0 QB rating
Tom Brady 15 out of 16 for 243 yards. 158.3 rating – (perfect)
Edit #8: I’ve kind of lost track with what the hell is going on in this game. Just got a text from GHABBY “This is football porn”. Brady just threw his 5th touchdown pass in THE FIRST HALF. A new NFL record, we are now five minutes away from old crotchety writers bitching and moaning that the Pats are running the score up (which they are). But who gives a shit. WORSHIP HIM….GO ON WORSHIP HIM
Halftime Score: 45-0. Yes FORTY FIVE TO NUTHIN.

On that note. I might be closing up this liveblog thing to do something else.