Archive for December, 2009

The 2009-2010 New York Giants Season

Posted in fuck the Giants, NY Giants can suck my balls, schadenfreude, SmartyBarrett on December 28, 2009 by hzmls

Was Kevin Brown Not Available?

Posted in HZMLS, Javier Vazquez will be the butt of my jokes all year on December 22, 2009 by hzmls


ZOMG THE YANKEES ACQUIRED JAVIER VAZQUEZ!!!!!!!! BRO HE IS GOING TO BE OUR NUMBER FOUR STARTER NEXT YEAR, AND WE GOT HIM FOR NEXT TA NOTHIN’! HE CAME IN FOURTH LAST YEAR IN CY YOUNG VOTIN!

HZMLS: Hey pal, do you remember this? October 20, 2004

BOSTON              IP  H  R ER BB SO HR  ERA
__________________ _________________________

Lowe (W, 1-0) 6.0 1 1 1 1 3 0 3.18
Martinez 1.0 3 2 2 0 1 0 6.23
Timlin 1.2 1 0 0 1 1 0 4.75
Embree 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 3.86

NEW YORK IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
__________________ _________________________

Brown (L, 0-1) 1.1 4 5 5 2 1 1 21.60
Vazquez 2.0 2 3 3 5 2 2 9.95 <<<<<----WOWZAHS
Loaiza 3.0 4 0 0 0 2 0 1.42
Heredia 0.2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00
Gordon 1.2 3 2 2 0 0 1 8.10


Rivera 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1.29

Basically you are getting a pitcher who sucked on the big stage, but could pitch well in Atlanta, where no one gives a shit about baseball. Enjoy New York, pal.

Mike Lowell isn’t going anywhere

Posted in HZMLS, mike lowells gray head, trades that needed to happen on December 20, 2009 by hzmls


Sometimes I get the feeling that I am in the minority in just about everything that involves the Red Sox. So color me disappointed when I heard that old man Lowell is going to be coming back for another year with the Red Sox. Let me start this post off by saying that I appreciate all that Lowell did for the Red Sox especially in 2007. But since he resigned with the Sox after the World Series, he has been a major disappointment. His .OBP has dropped 40 points, .OPS .50, he only could play 120 games last year, and his defense ohhhhh his defense.

His UZR/150 in 2007 was 8.0 which is phenomenal!
His UZR/150 in 2008 was 15.4 which is even better!
His UZR/150 in 2009 was -14.4 which is ATROCIOUS.

and
His UZR in 2007 was 7.3 which is great!
His UZR in 2008 was 11.1 which is AWESOME!
His UZR in 2009 was -10.4 which is VOMIT INDUCING!

Basically, Mike Lowell is a great person, and still a very serviceable player, but his skills are disintegrating at a tremendous pace. True these are stats, and they can be completely ignored to make your point (see Ellsbury, Jacoby), but just watch him. He runs like my grandfather, and can’t make the plays he used to. So he fails a physical, is going to need surgery, and for the foreseeable future he is our mess. There is always the possibility that they could trade him in 6-8 weeks, but at that point all other options could be gone. Goddamn it. Every day that passes it looks like Casey Kotchman is going to be our starting 1st baseman. Is it possible that Lowell could turn everything around? There is a slim chance that could happen, but more likely we are seeing the end of a great career.

Ron Brace the defense looks to you

Posted in BC homerism, bills, HZMLS, ron brace is a big boy on December 20, 2009 by hzmls


Ty Warren. Out.
Vince Wilfork. Out.
Myron Prior. Out.

Now with all of these injuries the Pats should be royally fucked. But they aren’t, for you see they have a secret weapon that has been sitting on the bench all year. A defensive player, who is being groomed to replace Vince Wilfork when he leaves to get that huge payday from the St. Louis Rams next year. His name is Ron Brace, and he graduated from Boston College last year, where he and BJ Raji last year combined to eat and destroy most opposing D’s.

Brace isn’t as large as Raji, but last year he had quite a season. As a BC fan, I literally shat my pants when the Pats drafted him in the second round last year, well ok not literally. But as the season progressed and undrafted Prior played more and more, I was curious, where the hell was Brace? Too dumb to pick up on Belichick’s schemes? Not good enough? Well today should be a good barometer of what we can expect from the LARGE rookie. And what better team to play against than the Bills who are led by J.P Losman, Trent Edwards, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Who the fuck knows, their QB situation is awful. Brace has never been a pass rusher, he is bred in a similar style to Wilfork, which is to be a run stopper. Which is perfect timing because the Bills have a particularly good runner in :

Otherwise this game should be a walk in the park for the Pats. As long as Brady is in one piece he is better than anyone on the Bills, and if the O-Line can prevent Aaron Schoebel from killing him this one is in the bag. Randy Moss, contrary to the “Manny treatment” the Boston Media has unleashed on him, has not given up on his team, and probably will scorch the Bills secondary for 100+ yards. On a side note, fuck you Boston media for questioning Moss, he is been our unquestioned leader for years, and you question his heart because of a dropped pass, a misrun route, and a fumble? Blow me.

Pats win this one easy. Patriots 24 Bills 10

Random Fantasy Sports Challenge!!!

Posted in ESPN, Fantasy College Football Frivolty, HZMLS on December 19, 2009 by hzmls
Boohooo HZMLS knows more about college football than me and I can’t handle it!

We are having one of those fantasy College Bowl Pick Em Challenges over at ESPN. There are no prizes given away by us, because well, Smarty GHABBY and I are friggin poor. Instead you can win the smug satisfaction that you are smarter than three nerdy white boys from Massachusetts. Do you know who is going to win the Meineke Car Care Bowl? Who you got Wyoming or Fresno State?

This is the link to join, can you do any less?
http://games.espn.go.com/bowlmania/en/group?groupID=4366

Jacoby Ellsbury > Ricky Henderson; Adrian Gonzalez Kills Puppies

Posted in adrian gonzalez boston already loves you, geekery, jacoby ellsbury, puppies, Red Sox, Sexy Sabermetric Stat Sessions, SmartyBarrett on December 17, 2009 by hzmls

Apparently, right? At least that’s what the yahoo Sox fans would lead you to believe, as detailed by HZMLS earlier. And now the media is getting in on it, too. Great.

/affixes FJM cap

Turning around and trading Ellsbury would result in a steal for Padres

A steal! I get it! I get jokes!

Obviously, we are sensing the proverbial next shoe is about to drop. If it is Adrian Gonzalez (with an outside shot at Miguel Cabrera), which would be a ginormous move by the Red Sox to cap what would be an eye-popping offseason, then what is there not to like?

Well if it’s Miguel Cabrera I may have a few gripes, depending on whom they trade away, but if it’s Gonzalez I’m all in. Seriously, just don’t touch Daniel Bard and we’re good. Make it happen.

Well, one thing: if one of the players going to San Diego is Jacoby Ellsbury.

No. No no no. Wrong.

If Ellsbury is the hot name from the San Diego side, then Theo Epstein should just say no.

If San Diego wants Ellsbury, I’ll drive him out there myself. I’ll pay for his plane ticket! Seriously, if he was the centerpiece, how ideal would that be?


Give up Ryan Westmoreland, and include a better prospect or two at the end of the deal.

A better prospect?!?! So the Sox should overpay when they don’t have to?

“Hey Jed, it’s Theo. Yeah, well, I know you want Jacoby, but we’re sending Casey Kelly instead. …PCP? …no, why?”

Ellsbury is a special player who hit .301, stole 70 bases, and scored 94 runs last season, and one who plays a very good center field and is just 26 years old.

Let’s break that down:

1. Batting Average: .301
As we all know, batting average is a limited stat, but even so Jacoby held his own. .301 was the third-highest average among all MLB center fielders last year. I don’t have any real gripes about his hitting for average.

2. Stolen Bases: 70
Not much more I can say. Amazing.

3. Runs Scored: 94
Completely meaningless. If he got on base every single time up and had 8 Yuniesky Betancourts hitting behind him, he’d finish the season with like 3 runs scored. Does that mean he sucks? Listen carefully: RUNS SCORED IS COMPLETELY A FUNCTION OF TEAMMATES. It has little or no bearing on one’s individual skills at a player.

4. Center field defense: Very good.
Well this is just WRONG. Nick Cafardo just lied to you. There he is. Sitting at his desk. Typing lies. The sonofabitch. Please go to this and sort by “fielding.” Yes, Jacoby Ellsbury was the worst defensive outfielder in the game last year in terms of run prevention. The absolute worst. Or check his UZR here. 3rd worst in the game. Atrocious would be an upgrade. He is KILLING the Sox in terms of his glove. That is a fact.

And while his on-base percentage in 2009 was a pedestrian .355, it was .388 in September and October.

Yes! Small sample size! Look what he did in two months! Amazing! Even though I’m admitting his OBP sucked in general (and PARTICULARLY for a leadoff hitter), I’ll throw selective endpoints at you! Did you know his OBP on (the) Justin Upton’s 22nd birthday is .600?!?! Look it up! Don’t trade this man!

This is a guy you want in the lineup with Gonzalez.

OK, fine. I won’t disagree with that, although I’m not a huge Ellbury fan and I think he is LARGELY overrated. But OK. If you can hang onto him, fine. But declaring him untouchable is just fucking foolish.

The Padres would need Ellsbury as a poster boy for their future. In enormous Petco Park, it would be a sign to fans that the philosophy is changing and that the Padres are going with speed and pitching.

And horrible defense.

While Gonzalez is the last piece of what could be a very good lineup, trading Ellsbury eliminates a tremendously important element – speed.

I’ve re-written this sentence:

“While Gonzalez hits a shit-ton of homers, doubles, gets on base, hits for average, mashes the ball, plays tremendous defense, and is one of the best all-around players in baseball, Ellsbury runs fast when he gets on base! (Which is admittedly not very often.)”


Ellsbury is one of the most exciting players in the game.

Kill yourself.

With Cameron, Ellsbury, and J.D. Drew, the Red Sox have significantly improved their outfield defense.

And if they replace Ellsbury with virtually anyone who can stand upright, they’ll improve it even more.

Cameron is a three-time Gold Glove center fielder who could still play there.

And would be a fuck-ton better than Jacoby.

Instead of the decision being whether Cameron will play center and whether Jeremy Hermida or Xavier Nady (also on Boston’s radar) would be in left, the hope is that the final decision is whether Ellsbury should shift to left and Cameron should play center.

God yes.

The only consideration in such a move would be leg preservation.

No. The consideration should be “Holy fuck Mike Cameron is so much better defensively than Jacoby Ellsbury it’s not even funny. Even dreaming of anything else should be outlawed in all 50 states.”

Epstein is right to say he is not desperate. He should not be desperate enough to trade one of the best athletes in major league baseball.

Desperate? No, absolutely not. But when you have the chance to upgrade your offense AND your defense, you do it. Period. Don’t give me this “best athletes” crap. He is an above average hitter, but doesn’t walk nearly enough and therefore possesses a low OBP. He’s a tremendous speedster but a horrendous defender. He’s expendable. Any inflation of his skills is pure unadulterated homerism. If you need to trade him for Gonzalez you do. No fucking questions asked.

Adrian Gonzalez is really really fucking good.

Stop rooting for my team… now

Posted in babe ruth, HZMLS, Jacobymania, sox fans dont disappoint me on December 17, 2009 by hzmls


I really should stay off the Boston.com message boards. After reading Nick Carfado’s riveting pile of dog shit regarding the possible Ellsbury for Gonzalez trade (Smarty will be covering that later), I perused the reader comments, and found this gem from camper9574:

“Trading Ellsbury would be as smart today as trading Babe Ruth was then!

Don’t be stupid!”

Did he just seriously compare Jacoby Ellsbury with arguably the best baseball player of all time? He did right? I’m not high or dead am I? Or at least he said that trading away Ellsbury would be comparable to trading away the best baseball player of all time. This is some sort of joke correct? I misread it right? No he meant it? Wow.

STOP ROOTING FOR MY TEAM. YOU’RE AN EMBARASSMENT TO MY TOWN AND CITY. WE DON’T WANT YOU AS A FAN ANYMORE, IN FACT SELL ME ALL OF YOUR TICKETS BECAUSE THE RED SOX DON’T DESERVE YOUR STINK FILLING UP FENWAY PARK. PLEASE GO ROOT FOR ANOTHER TEAM, NOW.