Archive for January, 2010

Sometimes It’s Good to Drop a Baby

Posted in glen "big baby" davis, nicknames, SmartyBarrett on January 26, 2010 by hzmls

So the artist formerly known as Glen “Big Baby” Davis is now the artist currently known as Glen Davis. And with that, Glen is currently searching for a new nickname. Awesome, right? There’s got to be a ton! Why we could go with… what’s that, Glen?

“‘Uno Uno,'” Davis erupted in delight. “I like that, I like that. I’ll be ‘Uno Uno,’ that’s my new name.”

Oh wow, there’s an original one! Wow, let’s just start calling everyone by their jersey numbers in Spanish! Alex Rodriguez, you’re no longer A-Rod: you’re Uno Tres. Big Papi? Nope: Tres Cuatro. AK47? Try Cuatro Siete.

See how boring and unoriginal that is? Jeez, Glen, leave it to the experts, i.e. us.
Here’s Mass Hysteria’s list of potential new nicknames for Glen Davis:

Glandular Baby
Husky Baby
Big Cholesterol
The Other Dark Meat
Glass Hands McFatty
Big ChildSteamroller
Fat Men Can’t Jump
King Hippo
The Abominable Abdominal
The Mad Phat Trans Fat
Marcellus Wallace
“Now Starting in Tonight’s Celtics Loss..”
Worst.KG Insurance.Ever.
Not-Glenn Davis
Hugh Grant ….think about it.


Top 5 QB’s of all time: Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre

Posted in Brett Favre you say?, HZMLS, offensive, tom jackson nincompoop on January 26, 2010 by hzmls

Tom Jackson isn’t a bright bulb, his idiocy goes all the way back to when he said the Patriots hate Bill Belichick, but this quote is a real doozy (from Pinstripe Alley):

“So last night Brett Favre throws an interception that costs his team a trip to the Super Bowl. You think he’s going to be ripped for it, but within minutes of the game ending the ESPN talking heads are launching right back into that “he’s like a kid out there/he’s a gunslinger” baloney. The best one was Tom Jackson who said “That’s the thing about Brett Favre; he’s not afraid to throw an interception. That’s one of the things I most admire about him.”

We all know Brett Favre is a good ole Southern boy, who likes to lay out on the line, have fun, show determination and grit, feel comfortable in Wrangler jeans, and is a Riverboat gambler but this takes the cake. I thought of other people Tom Jackson must admire

“That’s the thing about Tiger Woods; he’s not afraid to bang 50 women. That’s one of the things I most admire about him.”

“That’s the thing about Michael Jackson; he’s not afraid to molest kids. That’s one of the things I most admire about him.”

“That’s the thing about Adolf Hitler; he’s not afraid to annihilate the Jewish race. That’s one of the things I most admire about him.”

Mass Hysterians what can you come up with?

H/T To Pinstripe Alley and 98.5 the Sports Hub for scooping this.

Opposing Offenses You Have Been Warned

Posted in HZMLS, mark herzlich, There is nothing funny about cancer on January 22, 2010 by hzmls

Mark Herzlich is some sort of god/ Hercules creation.

There I said it. After missing the entire 2009 season with Ewing’s Sarcoma, and beating the ever loving shit out of his cancer, Herzlich is back. What did the BC linebacker do while battling cancer and receiving chemo? Oh, just continued to lift weights, work out, and raise almost $200,000 for cancer research. And he never threw up from the radiation. Rumor has it that he was still lifting 250 pounds in the midst of his treatment. Jesus Christ, I can honestly say that if I got cancer, I would be in bed crying from pain, and it would be a minor miracle if I could get out of bed so I don’t shit my boxers (probably Depends at that point).

How the hell is Mark Herzlich practicing a year after being diagnosed with a potentiall fatal cancer? Because he was sprouted from the loins of Zeus, that’s why. Next year, as he leads the Eagles out of the tunnel against Weber State, I expect him to be carrying a huge American flag, carrying Osama Bin Laden’s head by his turban. If an NFL career doesn’t work out for Herzlich, I could forsee a career in rebuilding Haiti by himself, overnight, or possibly fixing the National deficit with nothing more than a abacus, a paperclip and some string.

Personally, I am beyond pumped to see BC next year. Beyond that I am a giant sap, that almost cried numerous times watching videos of his recovery, I think he is going to be AWESOME next year. Fluff pieces happen so infrequently here on Mass Hysteria, but my love of Herzlich is bordering on creepy, stalkerish, Matt Ryan level. You have all been warned.

Glen Davis Doesn’t Handle Hecklers Well *UPDATE*

Posted in Celtics, glen "big baby" davis, SmartyBarrett, suck my dick on January 21, 2010 by hzmls

Oh, you and your tongue-in-cheek headlines.

Mixed in with last night’s game was an obnoxious fan who heckled Big Baby all game, calling him “fat boy” and “chubbs”. Davis handled this like any rational, level-headed human being would – he demanded that the man fellate him.

During a time-out, Davis responded by yelling to man, “Suck my dick!” as his Celtic teammates and Celtics coaching staff looked on unable to do anything but shake their heads.

Oh yeah, and it was picked up by both the TV and radio mics, broadcast for all to hear. Awesome.

So if Davis is in need of a new song to blast out of the speakers when he enters the game, may I suggest some Akinyele?


Your Drive Home Just Got 1/4 More Tolerable

Posted in bye bye pete sheppard, haterade, HZMLS, weei stands for everything i despise about boston on January 20, 2010 by hzmls

Pete Sheppard was fired today. To start off I am not a fan of WEEI. At all. I hate everything about the station from the racist douchebags Dennis and Callahan in the morning, to the Big Show where the entire cast just yells over each other. If I had my way, I would dance around and do a friggin rain dance naked in front of the station if their signal was destroyed. If you aren’t familiar the show basically consists of four loud mouthed blowhards, who have some bizarre homo-erotic crush on Tom Brady, hate liberals, gays and blacks, and don’t understand statistics. The show ends with the “Whiner Line” which are a group of insanely unfunny morons, who listen to these assholes on a daily basis, and make stupid quips about what happened on the show* . Sheppard is Big O’s trusty sidekick, who’s “MO” is that he is a stammering fat retard, that the rest of the crew beats on.

A basic Big Show consist of a conversation like this

Big O/Pete Sheppard/DeOssie/Smerlas (all at once): I just don’t know about this sabermetrics/black people talk and dress funny/college sports are for commies and the French/ Liberals are a bunch of panty wearing queers.

Well 1/4 of the reason I bought Sirius/XM is leaving, too bad the rest of those clowns still have jobs. Due to the “economy” Sheppard was canned by WEEI today, and was seen leaving in a trail of bacon and jelly doughnut scented tears. I feel no pity for him, the show was about intolerable as it gets. I mean I’m all about poop and fart jokes, but not when they are told by two of the assholes that would be the type that hung me by my underwear from my locker.

“Hey Steve. Guess what I saw?”
“What Fred, a great deal on Prime Rib at our steak house?”
“No, Sheppard was taking a poop in the bathroom”
“Darhaharahar. when i played for the giants, i was most known for making poops and patting guys on the butt! duhduhduhduhddh This is why we are rated number one! Ok, let’s go make out with 13 year olds”
“Pre-puberty rocks!” (smashes head into radio board)

And when the callers were put on the air the show got even better!

“Hey Big O. The Sawx have gotta go out there and make a trade.”
” Well you know, they already have enough pitching.”
“Yeah whatever you fat bastard. If I was Theo I would trade the Marlins, Jason Varitek, a Fenway Frank and the Dropkick Murphys for Hanley Ramirez. Oh and I’ll throw in Deval Patrick”
“Caller, I understand you. Patrick is a child molester loving liberal with a flowers in his hair who hugs trees! These hippies want to take your money and legalize murder! Global warming was created by Satan and Bill Polian. I just farted! Tom Brady is the bestest quarterback in the league. Durdurdurdur.”

Sheppard, best of luck to you pal. Hope you find another job somewhere else. Just not in Boston, well I got skiing up north alot, so why don’t you find a job in say Chattanooga. I hear the rednecks like inane, pointless banter. And please if you are a Big Show regular listener, and all this offends you get the hell off our blog.

*To be honest though the Robert Kraft impersonator is REALLY funny.

Reason # 481,516 to Hate ESPN

Posted in brett favre haterade, ESPN, obscure Lost references, polls that mean nothing, SmartyBarrett on January 20, 2010 by hzmls

So I just stumbled across this poll on, which in itself is a tad ridiculous (how can you possibly compare a DE and a WR in the simple terms of “Who’s better?”?), but the results are even worse.

That’s right, kids. The WWL has brainwashed us into thinking – wait for it – Brett Favre is better than Adrian Peterson.

Read that again.

Brett Favre > Adrian Peterson.


/head asplodes


As an FYI, my vote is on the right. I may be a tad biased, but I stick by my top 15 or so.

BC needs to play Miami nine more times

Posted in BC homerism, college basketball, HZMLS on January 20, 2010 by hzmls

After looking like utter balls for the past month BC somehow beat The U for the second time this year. Now beating a school that cares only about their felonious football team and Bo Schembeckler shouldn’t matter much but it does. Because as one of the few remaining BC bball fans that doesn’t wear a paper bag over his head, wins are wins. Will they win again this year? There is a better chance that Martha Coakley will win the senate seat in two years. BTW great campaign moron. She is like the 2004 Yankees, strong start and wimpered at the end. This is the only political reference you will see on this site that doesn’t involve Lord Palmerstone. Now you can all resume not giving a rats ass about BC SPORTS.