Archive for February, 2010

See how quickly the Pats third receiver problem was solved?

Posted in david patten really, HZMLS, Patriots on February 24, 2010 by hzmls

I couldn’t believe it myself when I read it, but the Patriots re-signed David Patten to a one year deal. David Patten. Wow. I hope to crap the Pats have another option up their sleeve for receivers, but knowing Belichick who the hell knows. But that makes me ask the question. What was Donald Hayes not available? Troy Brown too busy playing BINGO with the old folks to unretire for the thirteenth time? In other related Patriots news The Pats tried to resign Chad Jackson but he couldn’t get off his shift at Wendy’s to make a try out. David Givens missed the phone call because he was too busy listening to tracks from Aaliyah and Destiny’s Child that he downloaded off Napster.

They also were aiming to re-sign Bethel Johnson but he dropped the phone when his mom threw it to him.

Goodbye Jerkface

Posted in aaron bleeping boone, alcohol abuse, HZMLS, looking at that picture makes me physically ill on February 23, 2010 by hzmls


Aaron Boone has finally decided to call it a career and retire. I don’t really recall anything that he did during his career that was noteworthy, other than having open heart surgery at the age of 36 (I thought that only happened to GHABBY), and blowing his knee out to miss the entire 2004 season. Boone, had a quiet career, never winning the World Series, and only hitting 34 home runs in his final five seasons. I bet you didn’t know that he married a Playboy model, so at least he had that going for him, well until the Botox makes her lips look like a giant asshole. So there goes another player, who I swear was only mediocre at best, failed time and time again in the clutch, and never ever EVER had a big postseason hit. EVER. I need a drink.

Happy Pitchels and Catchels Day!

Posted in dice k Matsusucka, fat jokes are hack, HZMLS on February 18, 2010 by hzmls

Hi, evelyone, me solly if my English is no good. Solly Solly (bows). I knows you is all concelned about the 2010 season after I missed all of last year with a sore arm. But I am here on Mass Hystelia to let you know that I will be a bigger savior for Boston than Hirohito to my people. I know you all concerned about my condition this year, and I want to leassure you that I will be fine, because I have put together a ligolous offseasonwolkout. Back in Japan, I spent the winter singing kalaoke at Yankee Sam’s Amelican Bar, and Sake bombed like I was a Japanese Josh Beckett. But you no worry, I have done other things as well. For two weeks stlaight I played Beatles Rock Band with my wife Lockets my favolite song being “Ruchee in the Sky with Diamonds”. You would never know it but I’m a VELY VELY GOOD DRUMMER, I much bettel than Lingo Stall. What, you don’t think video games is a suitable workout? You might be right, all that locking and lolling has made my back sore, god I can balely get out of bed. But the Japanese have a cure fol this:
Ah, that is much much better. My back will better vely soon, and if not good, no worry, I will committ seppuku on Opening Day, make all velly velly happy . BaNZAI!

A Quick Message from Jesus Shuttlesworth

Posted in Celtics, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, HZMLS, message from jesus, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on February 17, 2010 by hzmls

Hey Celtics fans you like winning right? You want to see the Celtics go far in the playoffs correct? Then get rid of me pronto. The Celtics are going nowhere as is, and the biggest problem is me. I am useless, and I totally understand that. And guess what? There are plenty of teams that would love to take on my bloated contract and my declining skill set. Who cares who you get, there is one thing I do “well” and that is shoot 3 pointers, and you have Paul Pierce, so basically I am useless. Did Danny Ainge really have the chance to get Caron Butler for me and the Ginger and didn’t pull the trigger? If so, he is a bigger idiot than Big Baby on Trivia Night. Yeah I know you all want to get all sentimental about 2008, and chicks get all creamy over my 3 point skillz, but get rid of me, I need to go. Unless you want to see Lebron, Dwight Howard, or Joe Johnson kill you Celtics I suggest you send me to the Clippers, or Nets pronto.

Your Semi-Irregular College Hoops Post

Posted in college basketball, evan turner, SmartyBarrett, temple owls, the owl's nest, URI homerism on February 12, 2010 by hzmls


Yes, the college hoops posting here lately has been lacking to say the least, but rest assured: college ball is still…what’s the phrase? Oh yeah: FUCKING AWESOME. For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention this year, all I can tell you is there’s so much parity right now that my head hurts just THINKING about filling out a bracket come March. Who’s the best team right now? Kansas? Kentucky? Syracuse? Bryant? It’s a wide open field this year, so be sure to fasten your seatbelts on March 18th.

One thing I can tell you this year is that there’s no question in my mind who the best player in the league is: Ohio State’s Evan Turner. Yeah yeah, I’m sure GHABBY et al will tell you about John Wall and how OMG NAZTY LEBRON #1 PICK!!! he is, but Turner is more NBA-ready at this point. Wall has a ton of raw talent, but he is just a freshman and he’s prone to mistakes. I think his upside is higher, but if you’re strictly discussing the best player RIGHT NOW, it’s Turner, no question. Watch the dude play if you haven’t already.

Now onto *gulp* my Rhode Island Rams. Honestly the reason I’ve been hesitant to post on them is because I am insanely superstitious and genuinely afraid of a jinx. But they’re 19-4, 7-3 in the very tough A-10, and have a real good shot at making the tourney this year. Ahhh I’m jinxing them! Shut up, Smarty, shut up!

For now, check out the interview I did with the Temple Owl’s blog The Owl’s Nest about the game tomorrow between URI and Temple. Should be a good one; check it out if you can, and check out their site as well. I’m betting a lot of D-1 teams wish they had a fan blog this good. Enjoy it, and enjoy the countdown: 4 weeks to Selection Sunday!

A Special Guest Columnist Provides a Preview of the 2010 Red Sox

Posted in HZMLS, nomahhhhhhhh, previews of the red sox, Steroids would make more sense on February 11, 2010 by hzmls


Hi everyone, Nomar Garciaparra here to give you the run down on the 2010 Boston Red Sox. I am super excited to get going with my newest gig reporting on major league baseball! This new job finally gives me the opportunity to get out of the house, since Mia only lets me leave now 20-30 days a year. And since most of you all thought I retired after 2004, I finally am back in the spotlight! My first report is going to be on the 2010 Boston Red Sox, my first club!

Nomar’s Talking Points:
1. I don’t like this lineup at all. First of all Adrian Beltre is the only guy that I can really relate to, because he is a hitter pure and simple. None of this OBP, OPS, IRS, DDP garbage, the guy just gets in there and swings. I just don’t get guys like Pedroia, Youkilis and JD Drew. I’d much rather see a guy in there that can hack, because what’s the difference between a one pitch and an eight pitch at bat? Five minutes of utter boredom! Current players that I would like to see the Sox go after? Jeff Franceour and Jason Kendall.

2. One player I have to admire is David Ortiz. Here is a guy that totally is on my level. Through some hard work, and creative training, he has gone from a marginal player to a superstar. And what’s with all these mean media dudes questioning us for steroids? You see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated, that was pure will power, weight lifting, and supplements from my provider Enrique Montana. And I didn’t just hire him because he is Columbian, I hired him because he come up with a way to take Decca anally, but like you know not in a steroidsy way. I just hope that Ortiz’s body doesn’t start to break down like mine did. Because god that sucked.

3. What is the deal with Mike Lowell? His situation is one I can understand, rattled by injuries the Red Sox want to get rid of him. But what is with this keeping your mouth shut business? Who the hell has ever gotten anywhere by being polite? Take some advice from old Nomie and my good friends Carl and Manny. “Blast the front office, the fans, the media, and give up on your teammates”, that will get you out of there and into a better situation in a hurry. Go ahead call Shaugnessy an imbecile, tell the fans to flip Burgers at BK, and call Theo a homo, it works wonders for your career.

4. Speaking of the fans, what the hell is up with all of you? Do you know how hard it is to make millions and million of dollars a year to hit a baseball? Don’t you all have better things to do? Isn’t there a deal on Bud Lights at RemDawgs or something? God I played in LA where the fans showed up in the 2nd and left in the 7th inning, and Oakland where no one bothered to show up at all, and it was so much easier. Hey Sox fans, get a life!

Well folks, I’ve gotta run! (falls shatters both knees, sprains his ACL, MCL and achilles and fractures wrist)

Even The Colts Ex Coach Failed This Weekend

Posted in dungy, HZMLS, manningfail is the sweetest of lifes joys, seriously though fuck the Colts on February 8, 2010 by hzmls

Let’s keep piling it on the Colts, because it’s easy, and realllly fun. Ex coach and hater-of-the-gays Tony Dungy was asked his prediction of the Super Bowl last week and this was his response:

“I believe that if they’re in the game Sunday and they need to drive to win the game, he’s going to do it. I don’t think the game’s going to come down to that. I think they’re going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, ‘Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship.’ He’s going to have those rings Sunday night. I don’t think it’s going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime. I don’t see how it’s going to be close. The Colts aren’t going to turn it over seven times.

WOOOOOOO doggie, was he wrong! Now, it’s really easy to pick apart analysts and their picks (hell, I bet Rodney Harrison would have picked the Pats to win last night) but this one is just too easy. Does he think a little too highly of his old team? Probably. I love that he says the Saints would lose because they barely beat the Vikings. Hey guess what? The Colts were tied with the Jets after the first half, the same Jets who barely made the playoffs, and had Mark Sanchez at QB. Irregardless, the Colts lost, Manning lost, and again life is the way it should be.