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Posted in Uncategorized on July 7, 2010 by hzmls

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HZMLS Goes To The Theatre: Johnny Baseball

Posted in HZMLS, johnny baseball, musicals on Mass Hysteria now i've seen everything on July 2, 2010 by hzmls

Two weeks ago my mom made the shocking revelation that she got tickets for my entire family to go see Johnny Baseball the “Red Sox Musical”. It was going to be a combination family outing, and gift for my father for father’s day. I was a little confused, because though my dad isn’t archaic, he isn’t a musical theatre type that would want to see something like this. My mom was really excited to see my dads reaction when we surprised him with the tickets, what she got instead was a look of horror from him. “Is this going to be another one of those plays where guys wear spandex baseball uniforms and dance around with bats?” my dad said (I cleaned up what he said so I don’t offend anyone who may come across this). I am very open to seeing theatre, so what the hell I thought, let’s give it a shot. If you are actually going to see this show, and don’t want to know what happens please stop reading now.

The show opens with like 8 people sitting in Fenway Park during the middle of Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. Judging from their accents, the director wanted to make them all sound like every Boston stereotype, “GO GET EM’ SAWX! THIS IS WICKED DEPRESSIN’! OH MAI GAWD DOOD MANNY “. You know stuff like that. And of course every word that ends with “R” turns to “ah”. Stuff every stupid Boston stereotype into one scene and basically thats what you have (though if you sit in the Bleachers the author may not be that far off). Not bad to start, the people are kind of funny, I got a kick out of hearing Tanyon Sturtze and Paul Quantrill referenced. But that is about as far as the “Red Sox Musical” got with me. During this scene one of the kids is talking to an old black man about the game, and the Curse of the Bambino (you know that stupid crap CHB made up to sell books), and the old man says that there really wasn’t a curse, but another one that has plagued the Sox.

The story then flashes back to 1919 and a fictional player Johnny O’Neil, who makes it to the big time with a twinkle in his eye (vomits on my seat) and his head in the clouds. He meets Babe Ruth, who likes to drink his ass off, and frankly is the only interesting character in the show, and O’Neil goes out boozing with him. He meets a black girl when he makes the Sox, and guess what? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #1: THEY CAN’T BE TOGETHER! Oh how original! Well she breaks his heart, THEN guess what? He loses his fastball! Oh the irony! The two of them sing all sorts of love songs for what seems like 30 minutes, and has nothing to do with baseball, and at this point I’m wondering “What the hell does this have to do with the Red Sox”? At intermission even my mom was going “guys we don’t need to sit through this, do you want to leave?” But being the trooper I am, I wanted to finish what I started.

The show continues to cut to the 2004 game, where different cast members sing songs about why the Sox have to win the pennant. I need to have a baby! Its Superstition! Good lord stop. Just when the show gets “interesting” enough to catch my attention, they go back to 1919 and pour on more of that cliched musical cheese. Cut ahead 30 years, and O’Neil is a coach, and he tries out a black boy on a recommendation of dying drunk Ruth. Here you go kids, guess who this young black boy is? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #2: IT’S HIS SON! He tries out for the Red Sox, but because everyone in Boston hates black people, he and Willie Mays are rejected (not before they do a whole song and dance together). They cut to the Green Monster, and the black boy, who CURSES BOSTON, why? BECAUSE WE HATE BLACK PEOPLE! At this point, I have rolled my eyes so much my head hurts, but it gets better… Cut back to 2004, old black guy who has been narrating to the kid, to no ones surprise reveals he is that black kid, and lifts the curse just in time for David Ortiz to get the game winning hit. End of show. Thank god.

This show has very little to do with the Red Sox and more to do with traditional musical crap that you can see in just about any other show. If I wanted to see a traditional show, I would have gone to see Jersey Boys or RENT or whatever, but they advertised it as the “Red Sox Musical” so idiot as I am, I wanted to try it. I know Musicals are heavy on the predictability and dancing, but when you put the Red Sox, my favorite sports moment of all time, and my team in it, I expected more. I don’t want to rip the actors that badly, because they all did a good job given the horrid script and lines that were written for them. Also, the leading woman, who for some reason disappeared for the entire second act, hurt her leg and was bound to a chair for the whole show. I feel sort of guilty ripping this show, which I did last night on Twitter, because its pretty clear the ART reads these things (heck they even apologized to me via Twitter) But my family spent alot of money for 6 seats, and left feeling like we had wasted three hours of our lives. Oh well, I guess thats what happens when you go to the theatre.

We Dun Made It To The Big Top

Posted in big time, burger king gives you diabetus ask GHABBY, HZMLS on July 2, 2010 by hzmls
Mass Hysteria finally has made it to the elite level of foul mouthed, New England Based Sports Blogs. We were actually featured on the CSNNE blog today….Boy oh boy I hope Sean McAdams reads our site…

CSNNE Sports Featuring Mass Hysteria

Check out their site, and GHABBY’s post over there on Paul Pierce and his potential new deal. Even when we were warned that we had to “tone down our content”, it still came out pretty good!

First Half Thoughts

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, Scalabrine, ugly ugly ugly on June 18, 2010 by hzmls

Sorry for no liveblog, don’t want to distract my attention in any way from this game. This very very very very ugly game. Jim Ross would call this “bowling shoe ugly.” If the first half of this game was a woman, it would have Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose and Gabby “Precious” Sidibe’s physique. If it was a country, it would be Greenland – uninhabitable and misrepresented on maps. If it was a band, it would be Nickelback. Okay, not that bad, but you get my point.

A few first half thoughts, now that I have 20 minutes to get my heart rate down:
-Yes, the Celtics are winning. But it’s entirely due to the fact that the Lakers are insanely cold (nervous?) from the field. These things correct themselves. By no means are the Celtics outplaying the Lakers though. In fact, things like 15-2 offensive rebound margin and 8-3 turnover margin (both in favor of LA) mean that the Celtics are playing dumb and lazy.

The rebounding thing speaks to a larger problem – we’ve essentially conceded the paint. I have ZERO idea what KG is doing on defense, he’s not even making an effort with Gasol. Downs Ostrich has ten rebounds in the first half. Ten. That’s fucking disgusting. I was actually glad when KG went out with his third foul. Baby actually is playing Gasol a million times better. Thankfully Odom has been absent and Bynum only has a few minutes left in his legs, so the key to winning back the paint will be stopping Gasol. Whenever a shot goes up, have everyone over 6’7″ box out the dirty Spaniard.
-A little worried that a “hot hand” for the C’s hasn’t showed up offensively yet. Not sure who they’ll turn to for that 3rd quarter run. Pierce looks…okay? Allen’s been a dud. Rondo’s playing jumpy.
-Anyone who calls Kobe clutch needs to look at his performance this half. 3-14 from the field. Not even making free throws. Ohfer from three. No presence on defense. I said it before – Shaq, not Kobe, was the key on those first three championship teams. Here’s hoping he tries to shoot his way out of the slump and lulls his teammates to sleep.
-Artest is the Lakers leading scorer. Never in my life did I think I’d be saying that in a Finals Game 7.
-Finally…SCAL ALERT! And he got a Trillion! He gets an honorary Club Tril shirt. Game 7 just got gingered. Here’s hoping that’s a sign of luck.

Game 6 Liveblog: Kobe Seppuku Anticipation Station

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, NO means NO, Self-immolation on June 16, 2010 by hzmls
Hubris (also hybris; pronounced /ˈhjuːbrɪs/) means extreme haughtiness or arrogance. Hubris often indicates being out of touch with reality and overestimating one’s own competence or capabilities, especially for people in positions of power.

A lot of talk has been made about Kobe Bryant’s place in history, how he should rank among the game’s ten best players, etc. etc. “He has four rings,” everyone says. Sure, yes, Kobe Bryant has won four championships. But I really consider only last year’s to be “his,” and even that one was saved by a Derek Fisher three-pointer to put Game 4 into overtime. The first three were Shaq-dominated Finals, as evidenced by the fact that Shaq averaged at least 33 points and 12 rebounds in each series, and won the MVP each year.
So to me, “Kobe’s team,” really only has one ring. Meanwhile, he’s lost two (he was the alpha dog on the Malone-Payton Lakers team that lost to the Pistons, and he was embarrassed against the C’s two years ago). And Kobe is about to lose another.
Why do I feel confident? Strangely enough, because of Kobe’s best play of the series. When Rapey Bryant scored 23 in a row on Sunday night, I knew the Lakers were doomed. He got that “I’m going 1 on 5” look in his eye. His teammates stopped giving a shit, and with good reason. His trust issues reared their ugly head at the worst possible time, just as they have throughout his career. Nowadays, Kobe has to be the center of attention. Kobe has to be the alpha dog. Kobe has to carry the team by himself, and with no help. Because of that, Kobe is going to lose. It’s the folly of hubris.
9;01 1st: Uncle Phil Fisher made a steal and beat Rondo to the hoop. This came after Ron Artest made a three. Bizarre start to the game.
6:55 1st: The Laker have 14 points, and all of their starters have scored already. Thankfully Ray FINALLY looks to be back in shooting form.
5:30 1st: ShitshitshitshitSHIT. Perk is down. Goddamnit. Looks like his knee, hope it’s not one of his shoulders. He’s given the C’s a serious dose of Bad Mother Fucker this series, we can’t have him out.
2:52 1st – WTF RON ARTEST IS CRAZYING SHOTS INTO THE HOOP. Meanwhile, the C’s have worse shot selection than the guy who put seven bullets into 50 Cent. C’s down by 8.
End of 1st. Could not be going worse for C’s. We can’t defend a thing, Rondo is taking stupid shots, Kobe is not only scoring but passing as well, RON ARTEST is bombing away, and oh yeah, here’s Simmons’ latest tweet:
“Perk helped off by 2 guys. Slowly. He’s done. Looks like a blown-out knee.” FUCK

10:00 2nd: Nate Robinson just passed the ball off the top of the backboard to no one in particular. If he had simultaneously shit himself, torn an ACL and then allowed someone to grab the rebound and dunk on the other end, it would perfectly summarize how this game is going for the C’s so far.

8:38 2nd: My brother, who blew out his ACL, MCL and PCL in high school, just texted me to say that Perk’s injury looked worse than his own. Thanks little bro!

8:00 2nd: JEWISH JORDAN FARMAR JUST OUTHUSTLED THE ENTIRE CELTICS TEAM. I’m looking around the room for sharp objects.
God I wish Johnny Most was around to describe this series. Imagine Johnny describing Kobe? Gasol? Artest?! Oh my god I just got a chub imagining Johnny Most doing play by play of a Ron Artest game. It would be the greatest sports broadcast in history, and break every FCC regulation.
6:54: Lakers now lead by 17. Someone hand me a puppy to kick.
6:50 2nd: Dane “Comedy Cancer” Cook is there supporting the Celtics. This all makes sense now.
3:57 2nd: Dude, every time I’ve had an x-ray, I’ve had the results in roughly three minutes. But Perk’s is taking a half hour? Or are they just not telling Doris Burke in fear of her penis? Oh, and the lead is 22. We just put Shelden Williams in the game. That pretty much describes where the C’s are at – Shelden Williams’ tardface.
2:00 2nd: Not gonna lie, I’m too busy enjoying the tweets about whether Farmar’s dunk on Garnett was the greatest dunk by a Jewish point guard over a 7-foot Hall of Famer ever. Personally, I have to go with the time that Tamir Goodman did a 720 and caved in Shaq’s left cheekbone.
Halftime. We’re down 20. Outrebounded 30-13. Bench has been outscored 15-0. All of our starters who have played (not counting Perk’s seven minutes) are at least -15. I’ve never felt more hate during a sporting event. Well, at least one not involving the Gators.
7:05 3rd: Celtics playing better so far this quarter, but haven’t made shots to knock lead down. Still, rebounding, passing, defending much better. But you can’t cut down a lead like this until you start shooting the lights out.
5:28 3rd: Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown have now dunked on us tonight.
A terrible note from Simmons’ liveblog – Perkins apparently heard something pop and is definitely out for the game.
A funny note from Simmons’ liveblog: Among the celebrities there is former WCW Heavyweight Champion David Arquette.
4:54 3rd: Shannon Brown has some fucking UPS. Wow can that dude get up there.
End 3rd. Lakers took their largest lead at 25. I want to throw up. Think I’ll go to bed now before I start damaging things in the house. Bring on Game 7.

Shut Up, You F*cking Baby (Phil Jackson Edition)

Posted in Celtics, fits of rage, NBA Finals, not-so-obscure david cross references, phil jackson, SmartyBarrett on June 11, 2010 by hzmls


So we here at MH are starting to realize that writing a post every time Phil Jackson whines about something is kind of like posting every time Daisuke walks somebody. But this latest crap is just too asshole-y to pass up. I quote:

Phil Jackson on the energy of Glen Davis: “No, I don’t want to talk about that.”

Awww, waaahhhh I’m an overrated coach that gets handed superstars on a silver platter, waaahh I didn’t game-plan for arguably the Celtics’ best bench player, waaaahhh.

Phil also gave a similar quote when he was asked to comment on Nate Robinson’s play. Wow. Phil, here’s a tip from Bill Belichick: just say “__________(player) was good. We need to do a better job on him next game.” That’s all. It fits your mold of cold, dry, curt comments, and you can actually NOT sound like a petty little prick. Oh, and I love how Belichick gets ripped by the media because he never gives a good sound bite. Phil’s no-comment’s must make for some great back page headlines!

Here’s a headline, Phil: you’re a fucking sore loser. Just admit you got beat and move on – the series isn’t over! Stop sulking like a little girl. Would it kill you to maybe compliment the opposition? A little tip of the cap every now and then? Nah, maybe just pout like a little bitch instead.

Oh, and PS – I bet it was real hard to coach Jordan, Kobe, and Kobe AND Shaq to championships. So congrats on that. Call me when you do some real coaching, you shithead.

Game 4 Liveblog: For Those in Need

Posted in Celtics, crack also keeps you awake right?, GHABBY, NBA Finals on June 11, 2010 by hzmls


Game 4. We need this win like a crackhead needs a spoon and some chapstick. Like Lindsay Lohan needs a liver transplant. Like Iowa State needs someone to give them a hug. If the Celtics lose, the series is effectively over, and we’re all forced to spend the rest of the summer hearing WOWZERS KOBE BEST IN TEH EVAR? And I, for one, support grammar and not using the word “wowzers,” so the C’s clearly need to pull out a win here. Please.

National Anthem: I work for an African-American (can’t tell you how many times I utter those words in a day) newspaper, and I have no idea who Anita Baker is. Though she does have Fall Out Boy bangs, and is swaying back and forth like me after a dozen beers.

10:53 1st: Ray Allen made a shot! Glad we got that out of the way. Fisher then flopped on top of him because he’s floppy, like Bob Dole’s penis or the disk that I played Oregon Trail on in 3rd grade computer class.

8:00 1st Ok Pau Gasol is obviously ugly. But did you know he’s not even the ugliest prominent Spanish athlete? No, that honor goes to Spanish soccer defender Carles Puyol, who may not only be the best defender in the world, but also one of the ugliest beings on the planet. Drink this beauty in:

Or how bout this one:

Ladies…

5:30 1st: Celtics looking to be suffering from another case of shitnotgoinginitis. 5-15 from the field so far. Luckily only down 1, 12-11.

2:31 1st: 10 points so far from Pierce. He’s on tilt. Also, WHO the FUCK thought it was a good idea to give Scott Ferrall a gig on a network show? I’d rather hear the sound of a jihadist Muslim running through my airplane with a doctored butter knife than hear that fuck narrate something.

1:06 1st: Pierce just “mistakedly” hit the ref in the jaw. Why didn’t we do this the last two games?

Ends 1st: Two fouls on Rasheed. Only the first was warranted when he jumped on Gasol, like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man wreaking havoc. The second foul prompted his “What, me foul?” dance, which I enjoy thoroughly. It’s a kindergarten fire drill of confusion.


10:53 2nd: “Big Baby displaying his athletic ability.” That shit gets me every time. And to answer the comment, Big Baby has more hops than me, but it’s close. We both employ the same basketball philosophy though – jump only when completely necessary, and only as high as to not cause bodily exertion. The vast majority of rebounds are won before anyone leaves the ground.

Also, Jonah Keri’s twitter just put it best “Nate Robinson is the Matt Stairs of the NBA Finals.”

8:10 2nd: This game is resembling a WNBA game. Tons of bricks, four-inch vertical leaps, 5-7 point guards and players with square-jawed female significant others. Clearly URI didn’t teach Odom that an Adam’s apple is a BAD thing on a woman.

2:47 2nd: If I hear Mark Jackson say “Hand Down, Man Down” one more time, I’m going to put my Hand Down his fucking throat and rip out his vocal cords.

Hand down, man (with) downs

17.4 2nd: STOP TIPPING THE FUCKING BALL. I have no idea how the C’s are only down four. There is nothing they’re doing especially well tonight.

Halftime: Sweet, KG cuts the lead to three at the buzzer. Also, we just had a Rick Fox name-drop, and it wasn’t even referring to his creepy Yanni hair or his terrible acting “career” (though I somehow remember that his character on Oz was named Jackson Vayhew. God I remember some useless shit).

Here’s some in -depth analysis: In the second half, the C’s need to….do everything less shittily. Everything.

10:47 3rd: Reports that Bynum isn’t even on the bench for the second half. He only played seven minutes in the first half, so he clearly used up all of his knee-juice in the last game. This could be a good sign.

8:40 3rd: Filthy shot by Fisher, albeit ill-advised. Cut off the C’s momentum right there. Now Doc is waving wildly at basketballs on the floor. In one minute, we’ve gone from “almost taking the lead” to this:


7:45 3rd: The refs have been somewhat decent tonight as far as not calling every little thing, but the Garnett “3 seconds” with four seconds off the shot clock was unforgivably dumb. Can’t remember a playoff series with this many WTF calls.

5:17 3rd: One-point game! Now we need to do what we couldn’t do last game when we got close. GO FOR THE KILL.


5:01: And like that, KG plays the role of Kung Lao! Aaaaand then Kobe plays the role of Kung Rape. I hate that fucker so much.

1:30 1st: Back-to-back threes now from Kobe. Let me repeat: I hate that fucker so much.

End 3rd – Aaaaah, right when we get a steal at the end of the quarter, we overthrow Rondo again. The Lakers are giving the C’s every opportunity to take over this game, but the C’s keep botching opportunity after opportunity.

Fun with Stats time! The Lakers are killing outshooting the C’s in a huge way – 45% to 39% from the field, 46-25% from three and 83-67% from the line. Rebounds, assists, turnovers, all relatively close. So how are the C’s close? Because we’ve taken thirteen more shots than LA. Hooray for offensive rebounds!

9:40 4th: OUR BENCH > YOUR BENCH. Nate and Baby need to have their own buddy movie when this series is over.


8:22: FUCK AND YES. Baby’s making and-ones and swearing at the camera, Gasol’s getting stuffed and Lakers are getting F-5’d Brock Lesnar style. Wanna step to Big Baby? YOU’Z A HUMAN HELICOPTER BITCH.

7:46 4th: Starters are, like, so passe. TA puts on his man-pants, and it’s an eight point lead. Rasheed then does Rasheed things, like yelling, stomping and…ugh, earning a tech. There’s so much pain and crazy behind those eyes.

5:50 4th. Sheed for three! Harness the crazy! Unfortunately Nate caught the crazy, or as Van Gundy said “emotionally drunk.” While technicals are obviously a bad thing, at least it’s not Perk getting them?


5:38 4th: Getting lectured by Ray Allen must be like getting caught by your Dad with porn, but 100000x worse. Closer to “getting caught by your Elementary school principal with crystal meth.”

2:57 4th: Seriously, don’t even put the starters back in. Nate and Baby (and TA and Sheed to a lesser extent) are beating the defending champions by their freakshow selves, and it’s beautiful. Celtics up 8.

1:33: Starters back in. Just hollllld on. GREAT steal by KG there. Probably saved the game.

1:17: Wahhhhhh I’m Kobe and I’m gonna sit on the ground and pout waaaaaahh. No matter how many rings he gets, Kobe will always be a whiny bitch.


Crowd just apparently chanted “No Means No” at Kobe. Maybe my proudest moment as a Celtics fan.

30:0 4th: STEAL BY RONDO. Quiet night (in fact, quiet last few games) by him, but he does his Rondo-thing when we need him. I just awkwardly fist pumped like Tiger.

Final: Celtics 96-89. C’s bench outscored the Lakers bench 23-6 in the second half. Big Baby and Nate just saved this series.