Archive for the Celtics Category

First Half Thoughts

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, Scalabrine, ugly ugly ugly on June 18, 2010 by hzmls

Sorry for no liveblog, don’t want to distract my attention in any way from this game. This very very very very ugly game. Jim Ross would call this “bowling shoe ugly.” If the first half of this game was a woman, it would have Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose and Gabby “Precious” Sidibe’s physique. If it was a country, it would be Greenland – uninhabitable and misrepresented on maps. If it was a band, it would be Nickelback. Okay, not that bad, but you get my point.

A few first half thoughts, now that I have 20 minutes to get my heart rate down:
-Yes, the Celtics are winning. But it’s entirely due to the fact that the Lakers are insanely cold (nervous?) from the field. These things correct themselves. By no means are the Celtics outplaying the Lakers though. In fact, things like 15-2 offensive rebound margin and 8-3 turnover margin (both in favor of LA) mean that the Celtics are playing dumb and lazy.

The rebounding thing speaks to a larger problem – we’ve essentially conceded the paint. I have ZERO idea what KG is doing on defense, he’s not even making an effort with Gasol. Downs Ostrich has ten rebounds in the first half. Ten. That’s fucking disgusting. I was actually glad when KG went out with his third foul. Baby actually is playing Gasol a million times better. Thankfully Odom has been absent and Bynum only has a few minutes left in his legs, so the key to winning back the paint will be stopping Gasol. Whenever a shot goes up, have everyone over 6’7″ box out the dirty Spaniard.
-A little worried that a “hot hand” for the C’s hasn’t showed up offensively yet. Not sure who they’ll turn to for that 3rd quarter run. Pierce looks…okay? Allen’s been a dud. Rondo’s playing jumpy.
-Anyone who calls Kobe clutch needs to look at his performance this half. 3-14 from the field. Not even making free throws. Ohfer from three. No presence on defense. I said it before – Shaq, not Kobe, was the key on those first three championship teams. Here’s hoping he tries to shoot his way out of the slump and lulls his teammates to sleep.
-Artest is the Lakers leading scorer. Never in my life did I think I’d be saying that in a Finals Game 7.
-Finally…SCAL ALERT! And he got a Trillion! He gets an honorary Club Tril shirt. Game 7 just got gingered. Here’s hoping that’s a sign of luck.
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Game 6 Liveblog: Kobe Seppuku Anticipation Station

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, NO means NO, Self-immolation on June 16, 2010 by hzmls
Hubris (also hybris; pronounced /ˈhjuːbrɪs/) means extreme haughtiness or arrogance. Hubris often indicates being out of touch with reality and overestimating one’s own competence or capabilities, especially for people in positions of power.

A lot of talk has been made about Kobe Bryant’s place in history, how he should rank among the game’s ten best players, etc. etc. “He has four rings,” everyone says. Sure, yes, Kobe Bryant has won four championships. But I really consider only last year’s to be “his,” and even that one was saved by a Derek Fisher three-pointer to put Game 4 into overtime. The first three were Shaq-dominated Finals, as evidenced by the fact that Shaq averaged at least 33 points and 12 rebounds in each series, and won the MVP each year.
So to me, “Kobe’s team,” really only has one ring. Meanwhile, he’s lost two (he was the alpha dog on the Malone-Payton Lakers team that lost to the Pistons, and he was embarrassed against the C’s two years ago). And Kobe is about to lose another.
Why do I feel confident? Strangely enough, because of Kobe’s best play of the series. When Rapey Bryant scored 23 in a row on Sunday night, I knew the Lakers were doomed. He got that “I’m going 1 on 5” look in his eye. His teammates stopped giving a shit, and with good reason. His trust issues reared their ugly head at the worst possible time, just as they have throughout his career. Nowadays, Kobe has to be the center of attention. Kobe has to be the alpha dog. Kobe has to carry the team by himself, and with no help. Because of that, Kobe is going to lose. It’s the folly of hubris.
9;01 1st: Uncle Phil Fisher made a steal and beat Rondo to the hoop. This came after Ron Artest made a three. Bizarre start to the game.
6:55 1st: The Laker have 14 points, and all of their starters have scored already. Thankfully Ray FINALLY looks to be back in shooting form.
5:30 1st: ShitshitshitshitSHIT. Perk is down. Goddamnit. Looks like his knee, hope it’s not one of his shoulders. He’s given the C’s a serious dose of Bad Mother Fucker this series, we can’t have him out.
2:52 1st – WTF RON ARTEST IS CRAZYING SHOTS INTO THE HOOP. Meanwhile, the C’s have worse shot selection than the guy who put seven bullets into 50 Cent. C’s down by 8.
End of 1st. Could not be going worse for C’s. We can’t defend a thing, Rondo is taking stupid shots, Kobe is not only scoring but passing as well, RON ARTEST is bombing away, and oh yeah, here’s Simmons’ latest tweet:
“Perk helped off by 2 guys. Slowly. He’s done. Looks like a blown-out knee.” FUCK

10:00 2nd: Nate Robinson just passed the ball off the top of the backboard to no one in particular. If he had simultaneously shit himself, torn an ACL and then allowed someone to grab the rebound and dunk on the other end, it would perfectly summarize how this game is going for the C’s so far.

8:38 2nd: My brother, who blew out his ACL, MCL and PCL in high school, just texted me to say that Perk’s injury looked worse than his own. Thanks little bro!

8:00 2nd: JEWISH JORDAN FARMAR JUST OUTHUSTLED THE ENTIRE CELTICS TEAM. I’m looking around the room for sharp objects.
God I wish Johnny Most was around to describe this series. Imagine Johnny describing Kobe? Gasol? Artest?! Oh my god I just got a chub imagining Johnny Most doing play by play of a Ron Artest game. It would be the greatest sports broadcast in history, and break every FCC regulation.
6:54: Lakers now lead by 17. Someone hand me a puppy to kick.
6:50 2nd: Dane “Comedy Cancer” Cook is there supporting the Celtics. This all makes sense now.
3:57 2nd: Dude, every time I’ve had an x-ray, I’ve had the results in roughly three minutes. But Perk’s is taking a half hour? Or are they just not telling Doris Burke in fear of her penis? Oh, and the lead is 22. We just put Shelden Williams in the game. That pretty much describes where the C’s are at – Shelden Williams’ tardface.
2:00 2nd: Not gonna lie, I’m too busy enjoying the tweets about whether Farmar’s dunk on Garnett was the greatest dunk by a Jewish point guard over a 7-foot Hall of Famer ever. Personally, I have to go with the time that Tamir Goodman did a 720 and caved in Shaq’s left cheekbone.
Halftime. We’re down 20. Outrebounded 30-13. Bench has been outscored 15-0. All of our starters who have played (not counting Perk’s seven minutes) are at least -15. I’ve never felt more hate during a sporting event. Well, at least one not involving the Gators.
7:05 3rd: Celtics playing better so far this quarter, but haven’t made shots to knock lead down. Still, rebounding, passing, defending much better. But you can’t cut down a lead like this until you start shooting the lights out.
5:28 3rd: Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown have now dunked on us tonight.
A terrible note from Simmons’ liveblog – Perkins apparently heard something pop and is definitely out for the game.
A funny note from Simmons’ liveblog: Among the celebrities there is former WCW Heavyweight Champion David Arquette.
4:54 3rd: Shannon Brown has some fucking UPS. Wow can that dude get up there.
End 3rd. Lakers took their largest lead at 25. I want to throw up. Think I’ll go to bed now before I start damaging things in the house. Bring on Game 7.

Shut Up, You F*cking Baby (Phil Jackson Edition)

Posted in Celtics, fits of rage, NBA Finals, not-so-obscure david cross references, phil jackson, SmartyBarrett on June 11, 2010 by hzmls


So we here at MH are starting to realize that writing a post every time Phil Jackson whines about something is kind of like posting every time Daisuke walks somebody. But this latest crap is just too asshole-y to pass up. I quote:

Phil Jackson on the energy of Glen Davis: “No, I don’t want to talk about that.”

Awww, waaahhhh I’m an overrated coach that gets handed superstars on a silver platter, waaahh I didn’t game-plan for arguably the Celtics’ best bench player, waaaahhh.

Phil also gave a similar quote when he was asked to comment on Nate Robinson’s play. Wow. Phil, here’s a tip from Bill Belichick: just say “__________(player) was good. We need to do a better job on him next game.” That’s all. It fits your mold of cold, dry, curt comments, and you can actually NOT sound like a petty little prick. Oh, and I love how Belichick gets ripped by the media because he never gives a good sound bite. Phil’s no-comment’s must make for some great back page headlines!

Here’s a headline, Phil: you’re a fucking sore loser. Just admit you got beat and move on – the series isn’t over! Stop sulking like a little girl. Would it kill you to maybe compliment the opposition? A little tip of the cap every now and then? Nah, maybe just pout like a little bitch instead.

Oh, and PS – I bet it was real hard to coach Jordan, Kobe, and Kobe AND Shaq to championships. So congrats on that. Call me when you do some real coaching, you shithead.

Game 4 Liveblog: For Those in Need

Posted in Celtics, crack also keeps you awake right?, GHABBY, NBA Finals on June 11, 2010 by hzmls


Game 4. We need this win like a crackhead needs a spoon and some chapstick. Like Lindsay Lohan needs a liver transplant. Like Iowa State needs someone to give them a hug. If the Celtics lose, the series is effectively over, and we’re all forced to spend the rest of the summer hearing WOWZERS KOBE BEST IN TEH EVAR? And I, for one, support grammar and not using the word “wowzers,” so the C’s clearly need to pull out a win here. Please.

National Anthem: I work for an African-American (can’t tell you how many times I utter those words in a day) newspaper, and I have no idea who Anita Baker is. Though she does have Fall Out Boy bangs, and is swaying back and forth like me after a dozen beers.

10:53 1st: Ray Allen made a shot! Glad we got that out of the way. Fisher then flopped on top of him because he’s floppy, like Bob Dole’s penis or the disk that I played Oregon Trail on in 3rd grade computer class.

8:00 1st Ok Pau Gasol is obviously ugly. But did you know he’s not even the ugliest prominent Spanish athlete? No, that honor goes to Spanish soccer defender Carles Puyol, who may not only be the best defender in the world, but also one of the ugliest beings on the planet. Drink this beauty in:

Or how bout this one:

Ladies…

5:30 1st: Celtics looking to be suffering from another case of shitnotgoinginitis. 5-15 from the field so far. Luckily only down 1, 12-11.

2:31 1st: 10 points so far from Pierce. He’s on tilt. Also, WHO the FUCK thought it was a good idea to give Scott Ferrall a gig on a network show? I’d rather hear the sound of a jihadist Muslim running through my airplane with a doctored butter knife than hear that fuck narrate something.

1:06 1st: Pierce just “mistakedly” hit the ref in the jaw. Why didn’t we do this the last two games?

Ends 1st: Two fouls on Rasheed. Only the first was warranted when he jumped on Gasol, like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man wreaking havoc. The second foul prompted his “What, me foul?” dance, which I enjoy thoroughly. It’s a kindergarten fire drill of confusion.


10:53 2nd: “Big Baby displaying his athletic ability.” That shit gets me every time. And to answer the comment, Big Baby has more hops than me, but it’s close. We both employ the same basketball philosophy though – jump only when completely necessary, and only as high as to not cause bodily exertion. The vast majority of rebounds are won before anyone leaves the ground.

Also, Jonah Keri’s twitter just put it best “Nate Robinson is the Matt Stairs of the NBA Finals.”

8:10 2nd: This game is resembling a WNBA game. Tons of bricks, four-inch vertical leaps, 5-7 point guards and players with square-jawed female significant others. Clearly URI didn’t teach Odom that an Adam’s apple is a BAD thing on a woman.

2:47 2nd: If I hear Mark Jackson say “Hand Down, Man Down” one more time, I’m going to put my Hand Down his fucking throat and rip out his vocal cords.

Hand down, man (with) downs

17.4 2nd: STOP TIPPING THE FUCKING BALL. I have no idea how the C’s are only down four. There is nothing they’re doing especially well tonight.

Halftime: Sweet, KG cuts the lead to three at the buzzer. Also, we just had a Rick Fox name-drop, and it wasn’t even referring to his creepy Yanni hair or his terrible acting “career” (though I somehow remember that his character on Oz was named Jackson Vayhew. God I remember some useless shit).

Here’s some in -depth analysis: In the second half, the C’s need to….do everything less shittily. Everything.

10:47 3rd: Reports that Bynum isn’t even on the bench for the second half. He only played seven minutes in the first half, so he clearly used up all of his knee-juice in the last game. This could be a good sign.

8:40 3rd: Filthy shot by Fisher, albeit ill-advised. Cut off the C’s momentum right there. Now Doc is waving wildly at basketballs on the floor. In one minute, we’ve gone from “almost taking the lead” to this:


7:45 3rd: The refs have been somewhat decent tonight as far as not calling every little thing, but the Garnett “3 seconds” with four seconds off the shot clock was unforgivably dumb. Can’t remember a playoff series with this many WTF calls.

5:17 3rd: One-point game! Now we need to do what we couldn’t do last game when we got close. GO FOR THE KILL.


5:01: And like that, KG plays the role of Kung Lao! Aaaaand then Kobe plays the role of Kung Rape. I hate that fucker so much.

1:30 1st: Back-to-back threes now from Kobe. Let me repeat: I hate that fucker so much.

End 3rd – Aaaaah, right when we get a steal at the end of the quarter, we overthrow Rondo again. The Lakers are giving the C’s every opportunity to take over this game, but the C’s keep botching opportunity after opportunity.

Fun with Stats time! The Lakers are killing outshooting the C’s in a huge way – 45% to 39% from the field, 46-25% from three and 83-67% from the line. Rebounds, assists, turnovers, all relatively close. So how are the C’s close? Because we’ve taken thirteen more shots than LA. Hooray for offensive rebounds!

9:40 4th: OUR BENCH > YOUR BENCH. Nate and Baby need to have their own buddy movie when this series is over.


8:22: FUCK AND YES. Baby’s making and-ones and swearing at the camera, Gasol’s getting stuffed and Lakers are getting F-5’d Brock Lesnar style. Wanna step to Big Baby? YOU’Z A HUMAN HELICOPTER BITCH.

7:46 4th: Starters are, like, so passe. TA puts on his man-pants, and it’s an eight point lead. Rasheed then does Rasheed things, like yelling, stomping and…ugh, earning a tech. There’s so much pain and crazy behind those eyes.

5:50 4th. Sheed for three! Harness the crazy! Unfortunately Nate caught the crazy, or as Van Gundy said “emotionally drunk.” While technicals are obviously a bad thing, at least it’s not Perk getting them?


5:38 4th: Getting lectured by Ray Allen must be like getting caught by your Dad with porn, but 100000x worse. Closer to “getting caught by your Elementary school principal with crystal meth.”

2:57 4th: Seriously, don’t even put the starters back in. Nate and Baby (and TA and Sheed to a lesser extent) are beating the defending champions by their freakshow selves, and it’s beautiful. Celtics up 8.

1:33: Starters back in. Just hollllld on. GREAT steal by KG there. Probably saved the game.

1:17: Wahhhhhh I’m Kobe and I’m gonna sit on the ground and pout waaaaaahh. No matter how many rings he gets, Kobe will always be a whiny bitch.


Crowd just apparently chanted “No Means No” at Kobe. Maybe my proudest moment as a Celtics fan.

30:0 4th: STEAL BY RONDO. Quiet night (in fact, quiet last few games) by him, but he does his Rondo-thing when we need him. I just awkwardly fist pumped like Tiger.

Final: Celtics 96-89. C’s bench outscored the Lakers bench 23-6 in the second half. Big Baby and Nate just saved this series.

Game 3 Liveblog: Goddamn I Wish I Was Back Home For This

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, you gon be killed dead on June 9, 2010 by hzmls


So sometimes I have this dream/fantasy that someone tries to break into my house, and I hear him rustling around downstairs. But instead of calling the cops, I quietly creep down the steps and sneak up behind him in the dining room, just as he’s rifling through the china (why I have china, I have no fucking idea. Seriously, what’s the point of having dishes you use once a year? Hell, I’m generally averse to using anything but red Solo cups, but that’s just me).

Anyways, I creep up behind the robber, but I’m unarmed, because guns are for pussies and bats are so 1930’s Chicago. No, I’m armed only with what Dark Lord Xenu gave me, which can defeat a gun, knife or Col. Mustard in the study with the candlestick. I immediately put Mr. Robber Man in a Ted Dibiase sleeper hold, and he can’t do a fucking thing. I lock in the Million Dollar Dream for just long enough for a little blood to stop flowing to his head, and then I let him drop. Once on the ground, the beating commences.
I start with kicks. Nothing to the body, I go straight for his head. Also, I’m wearing steel-toed boots with spurs on the front. Don’t ask me why. Once I’ve kicked his fucking face in, I drop to mount position and start raining elbows, like Anderson Silva on a motivated day. Each elbow makes dent after dent in his orbital bone until I can finally see his face collapse in on itself. I finish off the job with fists, not finishing until one eyeball (usually the left) pops out of its socket, hanging on by the strand of the retina. Once I’ve caved in his skull, face and dislodged an eye, I utter one phrase:
“Don’t come in to my fucking house again.”
So yeah, the Lakers are in our fucking house. Let’s leave them with an eyeball hanging.
10:33 1st: Six straight points by KG. Reports of his death may have been greatly exaggerated. By me. Mea culpa and such.
9:15 1st: Is that Luke fucking Walton? Luke Walton? Two minutes into the game? In 2010? I just checked, his playoff averages are 5.4 minutes and 1.2 points per game. And he’s already in the game! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The Lakers are DOOMED.
6:38 1st: My girlfriend, who is relatively new to basketball – “I don’t like those Laker uniforms,” followed by a disapproving sneer. I’m like John the Baptist, converting the heathens to Celticstianity. She then saw Derek Fisher and said “look, he has your beard and hair. He’s your black twin.” I”m not sure how to take that.
5:13 1st: Bullllshit call on Rondo. He’s got two fouls, and suddenly my left nut hurts. Thankfully KG is partying like it’s 1999. He must’ve purified himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and eaten some pancakes.
GameBlouses.jpg image by markedhoosier
End 1st: 25-17 Lakers. How in the fuck are we losing? Oh, right, Bill Kennedy is reffing this game. Two on Perk, two on Rondo, two on Pierce. And why? Kennedy hates Doc Rivers because Rivers allegedy insinuated that he’s gay, (seriously) so he proceeds to have forcible gay sex with the Celtics every time he refs to prove that he’s not a power bottom. I hope he gets AIDS (not because he’s gay, because he sucks at life. I wish straight people AIDS all the time).
10:42 2nd. For. Fucks. Sake. Literally nothing is going right for the C’s. If someone in a Celtics uniform tried to scratch their balls right now, they’d probably rip open their sack, nick the vas deferens and die of excessive bleeding.
6:36 2nd: Hey Adam Sandler. Stop wearing a fucking Knicks jersey, you grew up in fucking Manchester. Not Manhattan. Fucking Manch-vegas you douche. Also, you haven’t been funny since Billy Madison. Little Nicky was almost as bad as the Chyna sextape.
5:30 2nd: Rondo is apparently loud on the airplane. Pierce isn’t loud because he was frozen in an ice block a week ago and hasn’t been let out. A Celtics 9-0 run doesn’t drop the lead to single digits, so yeah, the game is going great.
3:30 2nd: The girlfriend found some Handi-Snacks in the cabinet. Mmmm Handi-Snacks. I hate cheese, but in elementary school, I used to eat me some fucking Handi-Snacks every day. And no matter how hard you tried, you could NEVER break that red stick. I think it was made out of titanium-grade plastic. If you gave a prisoner a Handi-Snack red spreader stick, he could dig his way out of prison in like 45 minutes.
1:45 2nd: You know how a few years ago Derek Jeter went into the stands in that game against the Red Sox and busted the shit out of his face, and for a second you were like “ya know what? I know I’m supposed to hate that dude, but I sorta have to begrudgingly respect Jeter for that play because the dude goes balls out”? Yeah, Kobe just laid out to save a tipped ball, and, well…um…uh….I don’t respect him at all. Kobe can fuck right off.
Halftime: 52-40 Lakers. Pierce and Allen are a combined 1-13 from the field. ONE FOR THIRTEEN. I mean, okay, if one guy has a shitty game, I get it, that’s fine, it’s workable. But if TWO of your four stars are rocketing Massaman Curry Beef out of their rectums all over their inner thighs and shoes, then you’re all sorts of fucked.
9:10 3rd: Pierce hits a three and Allen hits two free throws. Lead is down to seven. I’m feeling hopey….
8:06…aaaand the refs call Pierce’s 4th foul and ignore Allen getting clotheslined on the way to the hoop. If this was the WWE, Kane would have chokeslammed all three refs at this point.
5:30 3rd: Allen and Pierce are now a combined 2-20 from the field. 2-20. The refereeing is horrible, but you’re not going to win with Allen and Pierce going 2-20.
If I made my own Sprite movie, it wouldn’t involve superhero Asian men. Rather, it would involve me drinking a Sprite, calling it some weak ass soda, and then going into diabetic shock while EMT’s pour insulin down my gullet. Also, Grant Hill would be involved, because Grant Hill Drinks Sprite.
1:57 3rd: The lead’s down to five….
37.1 3rd…and four….
11:14 4th: I for one appreciated the post-foul dance performed by Rasheed and Big Baby. It was like the Haka but with more jiggling. Also…THREE POINT LEAD BITCHES.
9:45: ONE POINT GAME~!~!~!~!~! I have no idea how this is happening. None of the starters (save Garnett) is having an especially memorable game, the refs are fucking us sideways, Kobe’s going off…and yet the lead is ONE. I’m giddy.
8:15 4th: Example 1 of Kobe’s dirty tricks – Kicking TA in the fucking neck. This is why the Celtics need a goon. Or P.J. Stock.
5:30 4th: Why do I have that sinking feeling despite the C’s cutting the lead to four?
4:20: Derek Fisher and Ron Artest are doing the soul-crushing in the fourth quarter. The girlfriend has spent the last ten minutes criticizing Fisher’s entire existence. This after saying I looked like him a few hours ago
2:00 4th: Another CLUTCH shot by KG. Don’t know what we’d do without him tonight.
1:29 4th: Crap, that was out on KG. Dammit dammit dammit. Wish Doc hadn’t called that timeout. I’ve gone from full mast to half staff.
1:10 Replay giveth! Reversal shows that Odom touched the ball last, C’s get the ball back down 4.
48.3 seconds: Ray’s 13th brick, Fisher gets an and one, and the game is pretty much over. Derek Fisher of all people won this game with 10 points in the 4th. Wish I could scapegoat a worse guy. People are probably gonna question giving Allen the shot there, but the guy set a Finals game record for threes just two days ago, and he had the open shot. I should be more pissed, but I’m not.
39 seconds: Some hope there with another out-of-bounds call, but KG squashed it with a moving pick. Game over. Homecourt advantage pissed away. Time to stop neglecting the girlfriend, goodnight.

Game 2 Liveblog: Ice Cube is a Sellout Edition

Posted in Celtics, Eazy was right Cube is a bitch, GHABBY, NBA Finals on June 7, 2010 by hzmls

Game 2. The Celtics are in desperate need of a win. It’s time, I think, despite my defection to the Confederecaahh, to break out the old liveblog. If only because Ice Cube is now a bitch and trying to reprise the career of Bill Cosby or Tyler Perry. Fuck that guy, and fuck LA:

9:18 1st quarter: Second personal on KG already. Remember how the Ultimate Warrior went from “awsomest guy ever” to “that batshit crazy dude who changed his fucking name to Warrior. Seriously, Warrior?” Even Cornholio had to finally stop to get TP for his bunghole. Just sayin.
6:40 1st: I’m going to miss the minor penis charge that i get from seeing Allen’s jumper. He’s going to look great playing for the Bulls on the veteran’s minimum alongside Wade and LeBron next year. *Guzzles Xanax*
4:37 1st: 18-17 Celtics. Shooting extremely well despite the fact that the refs are determined to call fouls on our forwards for manual scrotal itch relief. If we win, the guards will carry us. Thankfully Allen is 4-5 from the field. His scrotal must already be relieved.
3:06 1st: Sheed in a nutshell. Misses ill-advised 3, almost grabs steal out of nowhere, loafs back to Gasol yet somehow ends up successfully defending the shot, then complains about his back. He’s like a Playboy Playmate with a flatulence problem.
2:01 1st: The last 11 shots in a row have been missed. Not quite yet the makings of an ESPN Classic game.
.22 1st: “Remember, this is Tony Allen coming off a screen and not Ray Allen, so you have to play accordingly.” Nearly did a spit take there. Also, it should be noted that the selection of beer here in Chattanooga is criminally turrble. Liquor stores only have liquor, which leaves grocery stores as the only ones that sell beer. The selection in the beer “aisle?” Every shittastic domestic ever, a dozen flavors of ICE and bottled Guinness if you want to get “exotic.”
End of 1st: Celtics 29-22. Shhh don’t tell anyone but Kobe is 1-5 from the field with 2 points so far. Though he does have five assists, so there’s a chance he’s doing all of this on purpose in one of his patented “waaaah I’m throwing a temper tantrum like a child despite the fact that I’m old enough to be prosecuted for rape as an adult” games.
Beginning 2nd: Every time I hear Doc Rivers speak, I want to get him a lozenge. Halls Mentholyptus Doc!
10:21 2nd: To be fair, none of the Gentiles on the Celtics thought Farmar would actually attempt a dunk. Still, that has to be the greatest moment in Jewish Sports History since Sandy Koufax’s perfect game.
9:06 2nd: 36-26 C’s. Allen’s bombing away and Rondo’s 6-5-4. EPIC mustache on Andy Garcia. Jack is trying to find the Grand Canyon in his viewfinder.
8:09: Four blocks by Bynum. Someone call Ric Flair to apply a Figure Four Leglock on Bynum. Because trust me, after four marriages and $70,000 a year on limos, Flair needs the money.
6:46: Two straight killer 3’s by Allen. Someone needs to make a Youtube of Ray Allen shots with Barry White music in the background. He is the basketball equivalent of baby makin’ music.
5:33: ANOTHER three by Ray. Why didn’t we run him against Scott Brown again?
4:13: Does Leo DiCaprio keep Kevin Connolly around because he makes him feel tall, or because he makes him feel like the world’s greatest actor? E’s talent is directly proportional to his height. Also SHELDEN WILLIAMS RETARD FACE ALERT!
2:16 2nd: Ray Allen is now doing his impression of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unbefuckingliebable.
Halftime: Cockpunch by Kobe at the end of the half. Lakers score seven straight points to cut the lead to 54-48. Still, I’ll gladly, gladly take it. The Lakers may have a more dominant frontcourt (Gasol/Bynum: 25 points, seven bocks, Perk/Garnett: six and none) and have essentially stopped the C’s from taking shots anywhere near the rim, but the C’s have one thing that the Lakers don’t. Ray Muthafuckin Allen. 27 points, seven threes, two grapefruits.
11:22 3rd: SHITSHITSHITSHIT. Aaaand like that, Perk picks up his third, Pierce makes a terrible pass aaaaand like that, it’s a one point game. Gahhhhh
10:02 3rd: Lakers lead by one. Pardon me while I scratch my eyeball with a pair of grill tongs. Not even commercials with Rampage Jackson can make me happy right now.
7:14 3rd: Lost in all of the Ray Allen awesomeness is the fact that Pierce and Garnett are now a combined 1-8 from the field. Thankfully Kobe just drew his fourth foul, which is four more fouls than he’s had called on him in his entire professional career. Still, KG and Pierce need to do something. Anything. Please.
4:35 3rd: Allen with the record! Hope this means he gets a Topps Record Breaker card.
End of 3rd. Tied at 72. It’s Fun with Celtics Stats time!
Rasheed is +17 in 16 minutes of play.
Garnett, Davis, Perk and Rasheed all have four fouls apiece.
Pierce is 2-11 from the field.
Rondo is putting up a 9-11-10. He has played every minute.
Boston has 25 fouls, the Lakers 16.
9:40 4th: 83-30 Celtics. Kobe gets his fifth, Big Baby misses five million shots in a row, and swarthy disease carrier Sasha Vujacic hit a three. Then we get a Nate Robinson Pocket Rocket of Orgasmic Glee. Too much happening, I need an adult!
8:12 4th: The latest Simmons conspiracy theory: Thibodeau just hired “Worldwide Wes” as his agent. Worldwide Wes is LeBron’s shady mentor. The Bulls then hired Thibodeau. Ergo, LeBron is going to sign with the Clippers. Also, 9/11 was an inside job, we never landed on the moon, and Tupac is alive and lives on an island with Elvis. Wait, that last one is true.
4:30 4th. 90-89 Lakers. Allen’s being tentuple teamed, and Pierce and Garnett have shuffled this mortal coil. This game is Rondo’s to win or lose.
2:07 4th: AWESOME block on a Fisher 3 by Rondo. Allen needed to finish that shit. Terrible time for him to go cold. But wait….Gasol just uglied the ball out of bounds! DAGGER by Rondo. God I love that man.
1:26 4th: Celtics by 5. Doc just won the Seniors 100 Yard Dash sprinting onto the court to call a timeout. The previous record holder, Bruce Jenner, looked surprised, but that may have been due to his 584033th face lift:
1:12 4th: 10-0 run by the C’s. And Perk didn’t even get a tech when Gasol pushed him to the ground because he was pissed that we took Florida from Spain. Kobe with a disgusting followup three though. C’s now up by 5.
47 seconds left: Artest just fouled out of the game after shooting 1-10 from the field. These are the moments when I wish he wasn’t so heavily medicated and was all assaulty again. Rondo drains a free throw and it’s now a 7 point game.
33 seconds left: Did I just hear the voice of a white guy on the C’s bench say “my niggaz?” Tell me I’m not the only one who heard that.
GAME – Celtics win 103-93. Allen in the first half and Rondo in the second won this game. Back to Boston for Game 3 Tuesday night.

A Quick Message from Jesus Shuttlesworth

Posted in Celtics, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, HZMLS, message from jesus, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on February 17, 2010 by hzmls

Hey Celtics fans you like winning right? You want to see the Celtics go far in the playoffs correct? Then get rid of me pronto. The Celtics are going nowhere as is, and the biggest problem is me. I am useless, and I totally understand that. And guess what? There are plenty of teams that would love to take on my bloated contract and my declining skill set. Who cares who you get, there is one thing I do “well” and that is shoot 3 pointers, and you have Paul Pierce, so basically I am useless. Did Danny Ainge really have the chance to get Caron Butler for me and the Ginger and didn’t pull the trigger? If so, he is a bigger idiot than Big Baby on Trivia Night. Yeah I know you all want to get all sentimental about 2008, and chicks get all creamy over my 3 point skillz, but get rid of me, I need to go. Unless you want to see Lebron, Dwight Howard, or Joe Johnson kill you Celtics I suggest you send me to the Clippers, or Nets pronto.