Archive for the ESPN Category

Reason # 481,516 to Hate ESPN

Posted in brett favre haterade, ESPN, obscure Lost references, polls that mean nothing, SmartyBarrett on January 20, 2010 by hzmls

So I just stumbled across this poll on, which in itself is a tad ridiculous (how can you possibly compare a DE and a WR in the simple terms of “Who’s better?”?), but the results are even worse.

That’s right, kids. The WWL has brainwashed us into thinking – wait for it – Brett Favre is better than Adrian Peterson.

Read that again.

Brett Favre > Adrian Peterson.


/head asplodes


As an FYI, my vote is on the right. I may be a tad biased, but I stick by my top 15 or so.


Random Fantasy Sports Challenge!!!

Posted in ESPN, Fantasy College Football Frivolty, HZMLS on December 19, 2009 by hzmls
Boohooo HZMLS knows more about college football than me and I can’t handle it!

We are having one of those fantasy College Bowl Pick Em Challenges over at ESPN. There are no prizes given away by us, because well, Smarty GHABBY and I are friggin poor. Instead you can win the smug satisfaction that you are smarter than three nerdy white boys from Massachusetts. Do you know who is going to win the Meineke Car Care Bowl? Who you got Wyoming or Fresno State?

This is the link to join, can you do any less?

Post Christmas Brain Smoosh

Posted in Celtics, ESPN, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, pau gasol is the missing link on December 26, 2008 by hzmls

So my favorite Christmas present was getting violently sick on Xmas night. I had to skip a day of skiing and instead tried to recuperate after a night of launching my insides into a toilet bowl. I am a complete waste of space right now; I can hardly move, and well, there is nothing but SHIT on TV on December 26th. So what do I watch? ESPN – so I can hear Stuart Scott refer to Kobe Bryant as equivalent “to two players of the Celtics big three,” Michael Wilbon refer to Pau Gasol as the answer to Kobe’s prayers (HEY WILBON WHEN HE STOPS PLAYING LIKE A PUSSY IN THE PLAYOFFS YOU CAN MAKE THAT ANNOUNCEMENT), and the posted commercial above. If you are having post Christmas holiday blues I recommend avoiding it. …..AND ESPN IS STILL TALKING ABOUT THE CELTICS GAME!

Oh post script :
“The Lakers are clearly the best team in the NBA”
” Clearly the Lakers have a mental edge over the Celtics”
(both submitted by Sportscenter viewers, who obviously drank paint thinner as children)

/I’m going to try to lay down and not die

ESPN Did Something Good For Once

Posted in ESPN, GHABBY, Old Tymey Football Games on December 15, 2008 by hzmls

I’m usually no fan of ESPN. I feel that they’ve generally bastardized the sports landscape by serving as this monolithic empire which has acquired enough broadcast contracts that it literally can alter the future of sports as they see fit, as evidenced by the recent freezing out (I’m punny) of hockey, and the inane promotion of utter shit like the X Games, Arena Football, and televised poker. Moreover, they’re owned by the Walt Disney Corporation, which is named after an Anti-semitic carny who built company towns and was batshit crazy enough to have his head frozen. So yes, in general, ESPN is the Wal-Mart of Sports, and I mean that in the meanest way possible.

However, like a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters, ESPN does produce the occasional gem, and Saturday night’s broadcast of “The Greatest Game Ever Played” was in fact quite laudable. The premise was to make a documentary on the 1958 NFL Championship between the New York Giants and the Baltimore Colts. The execution of this daunting task turned out to be unfathomably great.

Being ESPN, the network had an endless Rolodex of connections and notable sports personalities, and (surprisingly) brought out some extremely relevant ones for this documentary. Aside from Giants linebacker Sam Huff, every relevant living member of that 1958 game was present and and talked openly about the game during the documentary, including such greats as Lenny Moore, Frank Gifford, Raymond Berry, Art Donovan and Gino Marchetti. These players may just seem like names from your football history book, but the documentary helped show why each of these Hall of Famers were great in their own way and how the game truly pitted two legendary teams against each other. Berry was especially impressive, as I knew him only as “some old football player who used to coach the Pats,” but saw in game footage that he was actually Wes Welker with even bigger balls. In fact, there were a total of 17 Hall of Famers that participated in the 1958 NFL Championship in one way or another. In a related story, Seneca Wallace, Tarvaris Jackson, Shaun Hill, Dan Orlovsky and Ken Dorsey all started NFL games this weekend at quarterback.

However, ESPN’s most genius move was pairing their Hall of Fame guests with Super Bowl winners of the last two years, meaning that Berry watched the game with Tony Dungy, Art Donovan held court with Michael Strahan, and Lenny Moore traded running back tips with Brandon Jacobs. I can’t even explain how brilliant a move this was, as each room represented players or coaches from a different era, yet shared an appreciation for each other’s accomplishments and abilities on the football field. I never thought I’d see the day that Michael Strahan was humbled, but in the presence of Art Donovan (color commentator for the 1994 King of the Ring by the way) telling him how players fought through broken legs and collapsed lungs, Strahan became a gap-toothed six-year old, listening to Grampa tell old war stories.

These exchanges were perfectly timed with a chronology of the game itself, and old black-and-white footage of the game had actually been colorized and made clearer by ESPN’s staff, with the players and coaches explaining what was going on with each play and drive. Usually I’m not a fan of “modernizing” old films and footage, but in this case, the colorization of the game film truly made the viewing experience all the more real. Another example of modern technology helping aid the viewing of the game came when ESPN hired out a scientific collision expert to analyze a much-disputed possible first down run by Frank Gifford. The collisions expert used game film and pictures to determine that Gifford was actually nine inches short of the first down, proving the referee call right. Ironically, nine inches is also the length of the jizz rope that Gifford left on a stewardess’ ass that very night.

If I was married to her, I’d want some strange too.

ESPN also did a fantastic job of highlighting the sheer importance of the 1958 game. After watching the game and being impressed by it, Lamar Hunt decided that the country might stand to use another football league, and started the AFL. It was repeatedly noted that Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry were assistant coaches in the game, and we all know the legacy they went on to create. Furthermore, the legend of Johnny Unitas came into clear view, as we literally got to see how a man regarded as one of the greatest quarterbacks ever, led his team on a game-tying and then game-winning drive, despite limited physical skills and having suffered a collapsed lung earlier in the season. If Johnny U was a player coming out of college today, NFL teams wouldn’t give him a second look, but luckily, he was able to fight his way onto the Colts roster in the ’50s and revolutionized the game.

I have very few criticisms of the documentary. I’d have maybe liked to have heard from Huff, the Ray Lewis of his day, who had many potshots taken at him by his teammates and opponents. The filmmakers also could have delved more into the X’s and O’s of the playcalling, especially given the connection to Lombardi and Landry. And while it was nice to see a few modern players like Dwight Freeney, Brandon Jacobs and Michael Strahan, it may have been even more enhanced if some bigger-name Giants or Colts like the Manning brothers or Marvin Harrison would have appeared in the documentary. Maybe Plaxico would have been set straight if he spent two hours watching an old football game with Raymond Berry, listening to him talk about how tough players were in the old days.

Still, these relatively minor criticisms pale in comparison to the general greatness of the documentary, which I would recommend to any and every football fan who is even remotely interested in the game’s history. ESPN is often evil, soulless and wrong, but in this case, they did something right for once, giving everyone a history lesson in the process.

The Search for Titletown Takes a Few Detours

Posted in ESPN, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, The First Annual Montgomery Burns award in the field of excellence on July 11, 2008 by hzmls

Enough has been said lately on the internet about the boring, over the top content on ESPN. Everyone who has a blog has said something, like Will Leitch’s sadomasochistic venture of watching ESPN for 24 hours straight. Over the past year or so I have found pride in saying that I only rarely watched anything on ESPN, maybe a baseball game here, or College Football game there. Things changed this week though as I am on vacation sitting at home, I am out of work for no other reason than I had the time might as well take it. With nothing to do, I have done the usual, masturbate, play Xbox360, masturbate, sleep, masturbate, and watch TV which usually leads to more jerking off. My vacation has been pretty boring, let me just say, there is NOTHING on TV in the morning/early afternoon. My roommates Tivo isn’t working and I ran out of Netflix options, so as I ate breakfast I figured what thefuck lets see what Sportscenter has to offer. It started off pretty interesting, baseball highlights and talk about the latest trade rumors. But ten minutes into the show, the highlights stopped and the side bar (which informs you what you are watching, and will be watching) introduced me to the newest segment: Titletown USA.

At first it seemed like a stupid premise, cant’ the number of titles a city/state has won be simply computer. No, ESPN is very vague about how a city is constituted, for instance the Patriots are considered Boston. The “segment” I watched had Bruce Pearl and Pat Summers trying to explain why Knoxville Tenessee should be “Titletown”. My first reaction, what the fuck? Why should a state that has two professional teams with a combination of 0 titles even be considered. This contest seemed pretty easy, if you want just pro sports teams you can include LA, Boston and NY, end of discussion. If you wanted to throw in a few college towns (which is stupid because NCAA football championships are subjective, and there are shared titles which is equally retarded) I needed to get to the bottom of this. ESPN invites readers to “write” in to nominate their town, which led to some of these doozys.

* Palo Alto, CA– Ok, Stanford, nice program, basketball last won in 1942, football was 1926. Yes they haven’t won a relevant championship since the start of WWII. But they have won 11 Water Polo championships, which I know everyone knew. I wonder if the panelists will contemplate that. But in all honesty they get my vote simply on the mascot which looks something I envision I will see when I inevitably develop schizophrenia.

* Parkersburg, WV– No, WVU doesn’t play here. This town got nominated for High School sports. Now, maybe I am missing something but I a) never gave a rats ass about my high school football team, which was full of assholes who beat the shit out of me, and b) I don’t know/care how they have done since, high school sports is even more irrelevant than college sports. Nothing beats watching parents screaming at their 15 year old kid who blew a tackle, which ends with the parents beating the shit out of the kid when they get home.

* Green Bay WI– What the fuck?
Baseball Team- No
Hockey Team- No
Basketball Team- No
A relevant college- No
A fanbase that wear cheese on their head, adores a QB that WON’T BE PLAYING IN GB THIS YEAR- CHECK

* Valdosta, GA– OK, now this is just getting silly we are actually going to consider Division II sports in any talk of “Titletown”. I went to a DII school undergrad, and no one gave a shit about any of the teams that played there, and I never went to a sporting event in my four years there. Instead of waking up at 8am to see them play, I was usually still in bed still hung over from drinking the night before. DII sports are completely irrelevant, no media coverage, hardly any fans and athletes that 99 times out of 100 never play sports again. Question for any of the three readers that read our blog, What DII men’s basketball team has won the most championships? Don’t look it up, no wikipedia, no google. Give Up?

The Answer

Honestly I have heard of this college until I wrote this.

These are just a few of ESPN’s chosen cities and towns they are going to be visiting over the next month. If you want to kill braincells and listen to old farts like Tommy Lasorda blab on and on about LA, or the women’s coach of Stanford talk next to the best mascot in the entire world be my guest. The whole idea for this segment is moronic, most of these towns/cities/states/counties/whatever shouldn’t be in a real discussion. But I know I can’t wait for the Boston segment, I’m sure ESPN picked some riveting points about us:

“The Boston University men’s ice hockey team has won 28 Beanpot titles” part of the winning essay on Boston.

Hint: A team from Boston has won the Beanpot every year.

/Slams Heads against desk
//Needs a beer badly
///Shotguns said beer
///Says fuck it and heads out