Archive for the fat jokes are hack Category

Happy Pitchels and Catchels Day!

Posted in dice k Matsusucka, fat jokes are hack, HZMLS on February 18, 2010 by hzmls

Hi, evelyone, me solly if my English is no good. Solly Solly (bows). I knows you is all concelned about the 2010 season after I missed all of last year with a sore arm. But I am here on Mass Hystelia to let you know that I will be a bigger savior for Boston than Hirohito to my people. I know you all concerned about my condition this year, and I want to leassure you that I will be fine, because I have put together a ligolous offseasonwolkout. Back in Japan, I spent the winter singing kalaoke at Yankee Sam’s Amelican Bar, and Sake bombed like I was a Japanese Josh Beckett. But you no worry, I have done other things as well. For two weeks stlaight I played Beatles Rock Band with my wife Lockets my favolite song being “Ruchee in the Sky with Diamonds”. You would never know it but I’m a VELY VELY GOOD DRUMMER, I much bettel than Lingo Stall. What, you don’t think video games is a suitable workout? You might be right, all that locking and lolling has made my back sore, god I can balely get out of bed. But the Japanese have a cure fol this:
Ah, that is much much better. My back will better vely soon, and if not good, no worry, I will committ seppuku on Opening Day, make all velly velly happy . BaNZAI!

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My Senate Resume by Curt Schilling

Posted in Curt Schilling, fat jokes are hack, HZMLS, senate on September 10, 2009 by hzmls


by Curtis Montague Schilling

Age: 42

Government Experience: None

Party: Republican

Resume:

1992-2000
Pitcher
Philadelphia Phillies
* Kept small children away from John Kruk’s mouth
* Prevented Mitch Williams from swallowing lethal amount of Draino after Game 7 of the 1993 World Series
* From my expert knowledge of the economy I gave Lenny Dykstra the tools to set up his financial empire
*I was awesome

2000-2003
Pitcher
Arizona Diamondbacks
*Taught Randy Johnson how to read and write his name
* After losing Cy Young to him two years in row, told him his best career move would be to play on the big stage in New York.
* I was awesome

2004-2007
Pitcher
Boston Red Sox
* Brokered my own trade over turkey dinner with Theo. Trade consisted of myself for: Brandon Lyon’s left arm, the rotting corpse of Casey Fossum and an IOU for a cup of Legal Seafood Clam Chowder.
*From October 2004 to 2007 I overcame more adversity than Lance Armstrong, Helen Keller and Anne Frank combined. Did you see the color of my sock?
*Broke Red Sox record of most Dunkin Donut munchkins eaten in a day with 345 beating Rich Garces’s previous record 0f 327.
* I was awesome

2003-present
Mage
Level 94
World of Warcraft
* started really playing in 2007 to get myself in shape for the 2007 baseball season
* defeated the darklord in Azeroth, only needing the Blue Sword of Truth and the Pangean Shield of Courage to win
* Pwned a n00b PK in the woods after he slayed my blood brother Hotstud696969
* I was awesome

———————————————————————————————-

Pro: Semi automatic rifles, John McCain, blog posts over 3000 words, my 2009 Hummer, this burger:


Anti: the gays, Randy Johnson, evolution, A-rabs, Michael Moore, skin cancer.

Vince Wilfork States His Demands

Posted in fat jokes are hack, HZMLS, vince wilfork HURRICANES on June 5, 2009 by hzmls


Patriots nose tackle and very large man Vince Wilfork has voiced openly that he is hoping to get a new deal that would pay him much more than the 2.2-million-dollar base salary that he is receiving this year. The Patriots are open to renegotiate with Wilfork before the season starts, but what they are really getting stuck on are the perks that the nose tackle is requesting. Here are a few that Wilfork is looking for:

* Demands that the Patriots immediately change their uniform to pinstripes, because they look slimming.

* An autographed shard of J.P Losman’s knee to place on his mantle. And also a thank you letter from the City of Buffalo for ridding them of their shitty Quarterback.

* Chocolate Covered Bacon in the pregame spread, oh and some of these:


* An internet technician on call 24/7 to create and update firewall that prevents Wilfork’s wife from posting on blogs.

* That ABC immediately put Family Matters back on the air, and that Wilfork gets to play the role of Carl Winslow. And Reggie Roby must play Urkel, so that Wilfork can slap the shit out of him anytime he wants.

* The immediate opening of a Wafflehouse in Foxborough, and a lifetime supply of free Meat Lovers Omeletes with hashbrowns, a large stack of blueberry pancakes, and some of that Vermont Real Maple Syrup.

* All cameramen in Foxboro must turn their cameras off immediately following the whistle blow, and in no way shape or form show any of Wilfork’s post-whistle activities. All elbow drops to Jay Cutler’s head should never be caught on TV.

* Some goddamn HGH or steroids for the linebacking crew. Seriously, he can only shove one or two lineman with his massive girth. Plus Tedy seems to have lost a bit of his giddy-up, and Pierre Woods is suffering from a painful bout of “Lackoftalentitus” that some drugs could help alleviate.

Celtics Porn Preview: The Centers

Posted in Celtics, fat jokes are hack, GHABBY, porn is your friend on October 28, 2008 by hzmls

Since it’s (/cue campy Broadway music…da..da..da…) Opening Night for the Celtics, it’s due time we finish up the Porn Previews and discuss the Centers:


Kendrick Perkins as ATM – To pornography aficionados, ATM doesn’t necessarily stand for Automated Teller Machine. No, it’s something far more sinister – a budding genre of porn called “Ass to Mouth,” defined by Wikipedia as such:

Ass-to-mouth is a colloquial term for the removal of the penis from the passive partner’s anus followed by the immediate insertion of the penis into the passive partner’s or another partner’s mouth.

Yes, children, the Big New Thing in porn involves women, obviously with very low self esteem and little regard for their taste buds, tasting their own ass-juices after being penetrated anally, all in the name of more sales/downloads. Some people find it quite erotic, though I just find it quite brutal and demoralizing. While I doubt that Perk has ever tasted his own dingleberries, the comparisons to girls with the utmost low in self-esteem is apt, as Perk is clearly the No. 5 offensive option in the Celtics starting five, so far behind the other four that it frankly has to be a little depressing to be Perk. Pass him the damn ball every once in a while! And yet, like ATM girls, Perk sacrifices himself for the good of the team. We love you Perk, and still will even if you happen to horribly degrade yourself publicly years from now.


Patrick O’Bryant as Soft Core Porn – A few days ago, C’s coach Doc Rivers took a dig at his new backup center by stating that “there’s Patrick speed and then there’s Celtics speed.” O’Bryant also carried with him from Golden State a reputation of being a lottery bust, overly soft, and generally on the last legs of what had already been a sad career. This description follows the EXACT same career path of the actresses that have graced the post-11:30 timeslots of Cinemax for years, starring in such classics as “Bikini Car Wash” and “Emmanuelle in Space.” Once-promising starlets, seeing their career fall into the shitter, take the ready and waiting cash of soft-core porn, where they get topless and rub on a guy’s stomach in slow motion. In a related story, my family subscribed to Cinemax throughout the entirety of my high school tenure. “The Naked Detetcitve” sure helped relieve the tension of dateless Friday nights. Thanks Mom and Dad!


Glen Davis as BBW Porn – “BBW” obviously stands for “Big Beautiful Woman,” a genre of porn in which largesse and excess adipose tissue is celebrated. Those familiar with my acerbic wit may think that I would now take this opportunity to mock the “fatties” and say inappropriate things like “look at the blubber fly!”

But Nay, good reader, I instead am choosing now to praise the Rubenesque form, if only because its resemblance to one of my favorite Celtics, Big Baby Davis. Big girls, as maxim goes, do in fact try harder, and so does Big Baby, using his roly-poly-ness to abilities far exceeding what one would expect from someone of his, um, build. And, as I learned in college, sometimes you just need the added enthusiasm and energy of a Big Girl after too many nights with Skelewhores, the same type of energy that Davis brings off the bench. So to Glen Davis and those whose body type may resemble his, we at Mass Hysteria salute you.

Though seriously, get to the gym once in a while, being that big is probably bad for your heart and pancreas.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in fat jokes are hack, GHABBY, I got poems like Andrew Dice Clay got poems, Nightly Previews, Red Sox on August 27, 2008 by hzmls


Red Sox vs. Yankees, 7:05 pm.

It’s the next-to-last Red Sox/Yankees tilt at Yankee Stadium, so what better way to celebrate Sox/Yanks lore than with…Paul Byrd and Sidney Ponson? Huh? The two highest payrolls in baseball are rolling out a 37-year-old Cleveland retread who pitches at softball speed, and a 300-pounder on his fifth team in three years. This game figures to be uglier than…well…the sight of Paul Byrd or Sidney Ponson in the shower, and there should be more scoring than FMRA after getting her tubes tied. In the grand tradition of the last few nightly previews, I’ve decided to pen some epic poetry of my own:

Sidney Ponson wants

To be in Boston for the

Hot Dog Safari

J.D. Drew: Hurt Again

As a Ginger kid, his soul

Is already dead

If I had one wish

It would be to morph into

Derek Jeter’s cock

Old Paul Byrd’s fastball

Slower than your whore mother

In a restroom stall

If bin Laden knew

The Yankees would suck like this

Tampa would be dust

Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Ponson, suddenly dedicated to fitness, passes on his pregame entrée, choosing to eat only a garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing for dinner. To further help lose weight, Ponson pitches in a spandex leotard, legwarmers and those funny-looking ankle weights, while reprising the pivotal scene from “Flashdance” in center field in between innings. Ha ha, you all just pictured Sidney Ponson in spandex. If that’s not a topic to be discussed in the Commenter Slumber Party (a rousing success last night btw, Bravo to you all!), then I’m not sure what is.

Serious prediction of the night: As much as tonight’s starting pitchers suck, the bullpens of each team suck just that much more. That’s why I’m predicting a 13-7 Sox win, and two home runs from Ortiz. An expletive-filled tirade from Hank the Younger will follow, with some not-so-subtle digs at A-Rod, who will then, in turn, cry and seek counsel in the muscular arms of a handsome woman. I’m thinking Annie Lennox.

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in fat jokes are hack, futuremrsrickankiel, Nightly Previews, Raquel, Red Sox, truth hurts baby on June 16, 2008 by hzmls

Red Sox v. Phillies, 7:05 pm. The Interleague Play Bus keeps on rolling tonight as the Sox swing by Philadelphia for an awkward 3-game series with Terry Francona’s ex. While Tito and the Phillies are obsessing over their outfits and practicing their opening spiels in the mirror (“Yeah, you know, things are good, you know? Life’s good. Friends are good. Uhhh how ’bout you? You look great by the way…”), the kerfluffle in the Boston sports media is that this series represents a potential world series preview. To which I say, if I may: horseshit.

There’s no question that these Phillies are a decent team. With 41 wins, they’re actually underperforming their Pythagorean winning percentage by a solid 3 games, and they’ve got Chase Utley’s seemingly unstoppable bat powering a seriously tater-happy offense (their 100 home runs on the season put them at second place just behind the Marlins, and ahead of Boston by 16). Honestly, though, I don’t think there’s any way the Phillies are headed to the World Series this year. The only team in their division they can beat with any kind of regularity is the Braves, and as I understand it the Braves no longer actually have a single healthy pitcher besides Jair Jurrjejnjsj and are actually starting several adolescent giraffes instead. Moreover, in a season when so many other teams have made big moves and experienced huge returns on a few key investments (or, in the case of Bartolo Colon, key returns on a few HUGE investments. GET IT BECAUSE HE IS FAT), the Phillies are essentially the same team as they were last year. That team, you may recall, won 89 games, placed first in the NL East thanks ONLY to a monumental collapse by a division rival, and got swept by the (goddamn) Rockies in the first round of the playoffs. Granted, that was in a season where not a single NL playoffs team won more than 90 games, but the point is that the Phillies have done nothing this year to put them in the same league as the Cubs, the D-Backs, or even the Marlins besides starting Chase Utley and Cole Hamels on a regular basis. I simply do not see this holding up in the long run. Sorry, Phillies fans, but this team cannot and will not go the distance. Period.

Bold words? Perhaps. It’s possible I’m just cranky because I lost my voice due to a combination of beer, cigarettes, and screaming “GUARD THE PERIMETER YOU HAVE TO FUCKING GUARD THE PERIMETER” at the TV in the bar I was at last night. Anyhoodle, this series should make for some decent watching, so tune in tonight as Cole Hamels (6-4, 3.27) and Bartolo Colon (4-1, 3.41) square off at Citizens Bank Park. Amazingly, the spotlight tonight may be on Julio Lugo, who has faced Hamels 3 times in his career and touched him for 2 home runs. Sweet!

Frivolous prop bet of the night: A suddenly sassy Coco Crisp gets into it with long-time jackass Brett Myers; the resultant hail of D batteries, Yuengling bottles, and bitterness due to years of frustrated dreams from the Philadelphia stands blots out the sun for several hours.

Serious prediction of the night: Ah, what the hell. This is LITERALLY the only time you will ever see me predicting something positive where Julio Lugo is concerned, so I’m going to go ahead and bet that he’ll have a bang-up offensive night against Cole “Slaw” Hamels. Hell, maybe even a home run. CHERISH THIS MOMENT WHILE IT LASTS YOU BUTTERFINGERED PIECE OF DEAD WEIGHT

Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in fat jokes are hack, futuremrsrickankiel, geeky Harry Potter references, Raquel, Red Sox, sex jokes are slightly less hack on May 21, 2008 by hzmls

Red Sox v. Royals, 7:05 pm. Boston fans and filthy-minded headline writers rejoice: The Colon has arrived! Yes, Bartolo Colon has been called up at long last from AAA, where the generously-proportioned righty posted a 2-0 record with a 0.64 ERA over 3 starts. Last night’s hero, Justin Masterson, was sent packing back down to the minors to make room for Colon in the Sox bullpen. (Maybe they should send TWO guys down to make sure there’s enough room! Because he’s so fat! BAHAHA) It’s always fun, and by fun I mean nerve-wracking, to see how one of Theo’s gambles will play out. Colon has looked good so far, but tubby washed-up Cy Young winners haven’t been treating us well as of late. Still, a career record of 146-95 with batters only averaging .259 against him is pretty neat. EMBRACE THE COLON! Bartolo will be facing Royals righty Brett Tomko at Fenway this evening. WHY DO ALL THE ROYALS PITCHERS HAVE SUCH TERRIBLE FACIAL HAIR?! Tune in this evening to find out*.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Sox experience game delays in the 4th inning when it is revealed that Colon has eaten all of the baseballs in the clubhouse after mistaking them for Sno Balls. Because he’s so fat, you see.

Serious prediction of the night: Colon scatters 2 runs on 6 hits over 5 innings. Fortunately, Tomko and his big, fat, juicy 5.32 ERA afford the Sox all the offensive opportunities they need. The headline “Colon Solid In Debut” appears in newspapers everywhere; several porn stars assume it is about their most recent feature and are deeply upset upon learning it is not. FUCK even my serious prediction turned frivolous tonight. I just can’t handle all the Colon! ACK!!

/implodes, snickering, in smoldering pile of hack jokes and innuendo

* seriously, if you can shed any insight into this please let me know, because I am baffled