Archive for the Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen Category

A Quick Message from Jesus Shuttlesworth

Posted in Celtics, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, HZMLS, message from jesus, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on February 17, 2010 by hzmls

Hey Celtics fans you like winning right? You want to see the Celtics go far in the playoffs correct? Then get rid of me pronto. The Celtics are going nowhere as is, and the biggest problem is me. I am useless, and I totally understand that. And guess what? There are plenty of teams that would love to take on my bloated contract and my declining skill set. Who cares who you get, there is one thing I do “well” and that is shoot 3 pointers, and you have Paul Pierce, so basically I am useless. Did Danny Ainge really have the chance to get Caron Butler for me and the Ginger and didn’t pull the trigger? If so, he is a bigger idiot than Big Baby on Trivia Night. Yeah I know you all want to get all sentimental about 2008, and chicks get all creamy over my 3 point skillz, but get rid of me, I need to go. Unless you want to see Lebron, Dwight Howard, or Joe Johnson kill you Celtics I suggest you send me to the Clippers, or Nets pronto.

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Celtics-Bulls Game 2: Ray Allen’s Ginormous Balls

Posted in Bulls, Celtics, GHABBY, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, Playoffs on April 21, 2009 by hzmls


Okay, as part of my New Year’s resolution to be less of a miserly douchebag, first the good: RAY ALLEN HAS BALLS OF STEEL. Ray-Ray, as I predicted, broke out of his six-quarter slump and went into straight-up Jesus Shuttlesworth mode last night in the second half, going for 28 points in the half and draining every clutch shot imaginable, including the game-winner. That dude is money, and his jumper is so pretty that classical music plays in my head every time he goes to shoot. Throw in Rondo’s triple-double, Big Baby’s 26-point night and the team’s 21 offensive rebounds, and last night was an excellent offensive performance against a very tough opponent.

Note that I said OFFENSIVE. Because on defense, the C’s have suddenly decided over the last two games to suck it down the shaft, all the way to the balls. Look, I understand that KG being out would greatly affect the defense, but I figured that the loss of the team’s star power forward would hurt, say, perhaps, the team’s interior defense? Sadly, that hasn’t been the case. Instead, we’ve been toasted by the Bulls’ guards – either Ben Gordon shooting out on the perimeter, or Derrick Rose slashing to the hoop. KG’s absence has nothing to do with Ben Gordon putting up 42 last night, that was all on the perimeter D. Defense was how the C’s won 66 games and the championship last year, but in these playoffs, it’s the defense that’s been absolutely killing them.

But a win’s a win, and the C’s at least earned a split at home before heading into Chicago. As for their fate in the Second City? The Celtics are tied for the second best road record in the league, just behind the Lakers. They pretty much shut down Derrick Rose last night, and have kept Salmons under wraps the entire series. Perk and Big Baby have more than made up for KG’s absence. But the Bulls are also 15 games better at home than on the road this year, and they seem to have adopted a “playing with house money” attitude that is serving them quite well. Literally no outcome would shock me at this point for the two Chicago games. This has quickly turned into a series between two teams with noticeable flaws, but just enough balls to overcome them.

Celtics This Week

Posted in Brazilian steakhouses are where happy comes from, Celtics, GHABBY, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on November 19, 2008 by hzmls


1998 Teenage Livejournal Blog “Mood” for This Week: Concerned, like finding out my Algebra II mid-term takes place the day afterthe Dashboard Confessional show.

Smiling - Myspace Graphics


The C’s finished the week 2-1, losing badly at home to Denver and squeaking out wins over inferior clubs Milwaukee and New York. The crippy Nugs smacked the C’s around from beginning to end, shooting 49% from the field while having six players score in double figures. The same Bucks team that got smoked in Boston only a week earlier, took the C’s to overtime on Saturday, during which time KG decided to bitch-slap Andrew Bogut (is it a hate crime if it’s black-on-Aussie?), earning himself a one-game suspension. Then, last night, the Knicks, who lost 104-59 to the C’s last year with relatively the same team, took the Celts down to the wire, forcing Brian Scalabrine of all fucking people to save the day. When Scal is the emergency safety valve, then one has a right to be concerned.


Dustin Pedroia MVP of the Week: While attention must be paid to Paul Pierce’s 29.3 point-per-game average over the last five games, I’m giving this week’s MVP award to Ray Allen, for putting up 26 and 27 on consecutive nights and for starting to FINALLY find his
three-point stroke. While last year Ray-Ray earned the moniker of “The Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen” for his ability to age in dog years down the stretch, this year Allen has been downright frisky. He’s shooting over 50% from the field in road games so far this year, he’s not looking fatigued on the second nights of back-to-back games, and his free throw shooting, especially late in games, has been stellar as usual.


Adrian Grenier LVP of the Week – Look, I love you Kevin Garnett. I really do. Without you, the Celtics would have had no chance of winning Banner 17 last year. Your defensive presence, intensity and all around manliness serve as the beating heart of the Celtic body. But I have to give criticism where criticism is due, and this week, KG, you were the Vinny Chase of the Celtics Entourage, doing more harm than good. The above-pictured inexplicable face-smack of Andrew Bogut was not only uncalled for, but the subsequent one-game suspension put your team in jeopardy against a surprisingly game Knicks squad that also happens to be in your division. Your 16.3 per game scoring average is your worst since your rookie year. You block only 1.3 shots per game, the worst average of your career. You have topped 20 points in a game only twice this year. Until you start playing like the KG of old, the Celtics have no chance of raising Banner 18 to the rafters. Instead of channeling your anger and intensity at the foreheads of disappointing Australian centers, maybe you can start turning your anger at getting shitloads of points and rebounds, like you used to.

Dishonorable Mention: Rajon Rondo scored a combined four points against Denver and Milwaukee this week. This left me nonplussed. While his assist numbers are up, Rondo needs to take it to the hole more often and with better success, if only to free up outside shots for Allen and Pierce.


“Sizable Birthday Check From my Parents” Pleasant Surprise of the Week – I have long mocked Brian Scalabrine as the least talented, most awkward and downright ugliest player on the Celtics roster, and for good reason. However, Scal actually showed some usefulness for the first time in his career this week, playing some solid late-game minutes against the Bucks on Saturday, and hitting the game-clinching three against the Knicks last night. While I never thought I’d be saying this EVER…good job Scal. Christ that feels weird to write.


Hakeem Olajuwon Memorial Opposing Player that I Absolutely Loved This Week – I love Brazil. Their women are some of the hottest in the world, their steakhouses are the sheer embodiment of all that is great about restaurants. They gave this world Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Even their flag is pretty fucking cool looking. And their athletes go by one name, which is unbelievably awesome. One of those one-named athletes is Nuggets center Nene, who seems to finally be healthy this year and playing up to his potential, scoring in double-figures in every game but one, grabbing rebounds with reckless abandon, and inexplicably snagging FIVE steals against the C’s on Friday night. Nene is also shooting a ridiculous 64.1% from the field. Fantasy owners should take notice, as he’s owned in only 3.1% of ESPN.com leagues, mostly because you’re all racist against South Americans.


Bill Laimbeer Memorial Opposing Player That I Absolutely Hated This Week – My dislike of Tony Allen has been well documented. I hate the fact that he only looks to score and does nothing else on the offensive end, and how he often fails to meet the potential of his boundless athleticism when playing defense. I hate how, for every one good play he makes, he’ll make three dumb ones. Well, if Tony Allen were to have an even more basketball-retarded cousin, it would be Denver guard J.R. Smith. Smith’s only goal when he gets on the court is to shoot the ball as often as he humanly can, with no regard for his teammates, how many people are covering him, or where he happens to be on the court. He doesn’t rebound, he doesn’t pass, he doesn’t set picks or run the team’s offense, he just fucking shoots, over and over again. And while TA at least has shown the capability to play some defense, it seems that Smith is physically allergic to the mere concept of defense. In fact, J.R. Smith makes Tony Allen look like Chris Paul. He is awful, and if I were a Denver fan and had to watch him jack up shot after shot every night, I’d probably shoot my television. Or at least attempt to have him framed for raping an underage girl at a local spa or something.

Game 2: This Just In – The Pistons are Good at the Basketball

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, Pistons on May 23, 2008 by hzmls

Blame for last night’s 103-97 loss to Detroit could be (and has been) placed on a number of things – poor defense, the referees, Rondo’s unwillingness to shoot something other than a layup – but one thing will probably be overlooked in the sea of analysis you’ll encounter this morning:

The Pistons are really, really good.

They’re good on offense, and they’re good on defense. They’re good at drawing fouls, and they’re good at making free throws. They strategize extremely well, and carry those plans out with precision. They shoot, they rebound, and they force turnovers. They even win, and do so often. This comes as shocking news to novice C’s fans, who had assumed since October that the Celtics were the only team in the NBA that was actually winning basketball games. In fact, the Pistons have been winning games for a while, which explains their upset win over the Lakers a few years back and six straight Eastern Conference Finals appearances.

The Pistons’ goodness was the difference between last night and the C’s other playoff defeats. The Celtics lost those games to Atlanta and Cleveland. The Pistons won last night. They won by making shots when they needed to (50% from the field). They won by getting to the line often (32 free throws!). They won by gameplanning for the Non-Caucasian Three to make their shots, while clamping down on everyone else (coughRondocough). There’s a difference there, and it lies somewhere in the chasm between me, during losses, yelling
“IHATEYOURAYALLENANDHOPEYOUDIEOFFACECANCER” at my (newly refurbished!) television, and “wow, that other team is amazing.” It’s subtle, but I think you can catch it.

That’s why I can’t really be mad about last night. The C’s lost. It happens. It was good to see Ray Allen show some life, it was shitty to see Rajon Rondo get confused when the Pistons dared him to shoot something outside of five feet, and it was terrible to see Rip Hamilton make everything under the sun. Game 3 is Saturday in Detroit, and I’m hoping the C’s come prepared. Because the team they’ll face is pretty damn good.