Archive for the HZMLS Category

HZMLS Goes To The Theatre: Johnny Baseball

Posted in HZMLS, johnny baseball, musicals on Mass Hysteria now i've seen everything on July 2, 2010 by hzmls

Two weeks ago my mom made the shocking revelation that she got tickets for my entire family to go see Johnny Baseball the “Red Sox Musical”. It was going to be a combination family outing, and gift for my father for father’s day. I was a little confused, because though my dad isn’t archaic, he isn’t a musical theatre type that would want to see something like this. My mom was really excited to see my dads reaction when we surprised him with the tickets, what she got instead was a look of horror from him. “Is this going to be another one of those plays where guys wear spandex baseball uniforms and dance around with bats?” my dad said (I cleaned up what he said so I don’t offend anyone who may come across this). I am very open to seeing theatre, so what the hell I thought, let’s give it a shot. If you are actually going to see this show, and don’t want to know what happens please stop reading now.

The show opens with like 8 people sitting in Fenway Park during the middle of Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. Judging from their accents, the director wanted to make them all sound like every Boston stereotype, “GO GET EM’ SAWX! THIS IS WICKED DEPRESSIN’! OH MAI GAWD DOOD MANNY “. You know stuff like that. And of course every word that ends with “R” turns to “ah”. Stuff every stupid Boston stereotype into one scene and basically thats what you have (though if you sit in the Bleachers the author may not be that far off). Not bad to start, the people are kind of funny, I got a kick out of hearing Tanyon Sturtze and Paul Quantrill referenced. But that is about as far as the “Red Sox Musical” got with me. During this scene one of the kids is talking to an old black man about the game, and the Curse of the Bambino (you know that stupid crap CHB made up to sell books), and the old man says that there really wasn’t a curse, but another one that has plagued the Sox.

The story then flashes back to 1919 and a fictional player Johnny O’Neil, who makes it to the big time with a twinkle in his eye (vomits on my seat) and his head in the clouds. He meets Babe Ruth, who likes to drink his ass off, and frankly is the only interesting character in the show, and O’Neil goes out boozing with him. He meets a black girl when he makes the Sox, and guess what? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #1: THEY CAN’T BE TOGETHER! Oh how original! Well she breaks his heart, THEN guess what? He loses his fastball! Oh the irony! The two of them sing all sorts of love songs for what seems like 30 minutes, and has nothing to do with baseball, and at this point I’m wondering “What the hell does this have to do with the Red Sox”? At intermission even my mom was going “guys we don’t need to sit through this, do you want to leave?” But being the trooper I am, I wanted to finish what I started.

The show continues to cut to the 2004 game, where different cast members sing songs about why the Sox have to win the pennant. I need to have a baby! Its Superstition! Good lord stop. Just when the show gets “interesting” enough to catch my attention, they go back to 1919 and pour on more of that cliched musical cheese. Cut ahead 30 years, and O’Neil is a coach, and he tries out a black boy on a recommendation of dying drunk Ruth. Here you go kids, guess who this young black boy is? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #2: IT’S HIS SON! He tries out for the Red Sox, but because everyone in Boston hates black people, he and Willie Mays are rejected (not before they do a whole song and dance together). They cut to the Green Monster, and the black boy, who CURSES BOSTON, why? BECAUSE WE HATE BLACK PEOPLE! At this point, I have rolled my eyes so much my head hurts, but it gets better… Cut back to 2004, old black guy who has been narrating to the kid, to no ones surprise reveals he is that black kid, and lifts the curse just in time for David Ortiz to get the game winning hit. End of show. Thank god.

This show has very little to do with the Red Sox and more to do with traditional musical crap that you can see in just about any other show. If I wanted to see a traditional show, I would have gone to see Jersey Boys or RENT or whatever, but they advertised it as the “Red Sox Musical” so idiot as I am, I wanted to try it. I know Musicals are heavy on the predictability and dancing, but when you put the Red Sox, my favorite sports moment of all time, and my team in it, I expected more. I don’t want to rip the actors that badly, because they all did a good job given the horrid script and lines that were written for them. Also, the leading woman, who for some reason disappeared for the entire second act, hurt her leg and was bound to a chair for the whole show. I feel sort of guilty ripping this show, which I did last night on Twitter, because its pretty clear the ART reads these things (heck they even apologized to me via Twitter) But my family spent alot of money for 6 seats, and left feeling like we had wasted three hours of our lives. Oh well, I guess thats what happens when you go to the theatre.

We Dun Made It To The Big Top

Posted in big time, burger king gives you diabetus ask GHABBY, HZMLS on July 2, 2010 by hzmls
Mass Hysteria finally has made it to the elite level of foul mouthed, New England Based Sports Blogs. We were actually featured on the CSNNE blog today….Boy oh boy I hope Sean McAdams reads our site…

CSNNE Sports Featuring Mass Hysteria

Check out their site, and GHABBY’s post over there on Paul Pierce and his potential new deal. Even when we were warned that we had to “tone down our content”, it still came out pretty good!

GHABBY Once had a Series of Posts Dedicated to This Matter

Posted in HZMLS, Jack Nicholson has two names and isnt as cool as Madonna, mess with the Celtics and you get the horns on June 7, 2010 by hzmls

HMmmm What was it? ….

I vaguely remember it had something related to consuming a sack of male genitalia.

Bite a satchel of testicles?

Nah that doesn’t sounds right.


Chew on a manpurse of scrotum?

Nope. OH I GOTS IT!

EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

Who do I want to dedicate this to? Phil Jackson. The coach who has the audacity to whine and bitch that Ray Allen was getting preferential treatment from the refs after Game 2. Yes, the coach I assume watched the same game I did, the game where Kobe and Pau Gasol were drawing fouls whenever anyone sneezed on them. The same game where Kobe shot a 3 point play, when the replay clearly showed that no one touched him. The same game the Lakers shot 17 more free throws. The same game that Andrew Bynum was sent to the line after Big Baby clearly blocked his shot. Yeah well the Zen master had this to say after the game:

“When they take away any bumps, when (Derek Fisher) is trying to make him divert his path and they don’t allow him to do that, they call fouls on Fish and that really gives him an opportunity to take whatever route he wants to make off the pickers. That really makes it difficult. We just have to adjust to the ballgame to what the referees are going to call. Are they going to allow us to take direct line cuts away from him so he has to divert his route, and call on Fish and get a foul called on Fisher? That makes for a totally different type of ballgame. Then Fish has to give the routes that he wants to run in and then he’s got to play from behind all the time.”

For that kind sir, I would like to invite you go fellate Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio and the entire cast of this summer’s comedic abortion Grown Ups.

May I Please Clear Something Up?

Posted in Bill Belichick is smart but he aint no genius, dexter mccourty, HZMLS, NFL Draft on April 23, 2010 by hzmls

Contrary to what all my followers on Twitter claim, I have nothing against Devin McCourty. In fact, he seems like he could be a very serviceable and explosive player with freak athletic ability. Jesus, he blocked how many punts in college? My problem comes not with the player, but with the Patriots’ coach and the alleged system that Patriots fans clamor makes him an infallible genius.

As I sat in front of the television last night watching the draft unfold, I had a sneaking suspicion the Patriots would trade down. Belichick has been talking all off-season about how deep this draft is, and if the last ten years have taught Patriots fans anything, it’s that Belichick LOVES value. So when the Patriots traded out of 22, and then out of 25, I figured the next logical step would be trading out of 27 into the 2nd round…maybe grab an extra 3rd round pick along with a 2nd. That would be fine, four picks in the 2nd round of a very deep draft? Sounds great! But that didn’t happen, instead the Patriots picked McCourty, who most pundits thought wasn’t even the best CB available at the time (Kyle Wilson). So unless I am missing something, the Patriots reached at 27 for a player that in most likelihood would have been available in the 2nd round. In the grand scheme of the Patriots plans, how the hell does this make any sense?

Second, let’s forget the value thing for a second and look at the pick. A cornerback, presumably drafted to play 3rd cornerback for the Patriots and a solid special teams player, is certainly a need (Jonathan Wilhite is terrible), but is it really that pressing? Look at all the other missing pieces the Patriots have right now; Wide Receiver, Tight End, Defensive End, Outside Linebacker, Inside Linebacker, Running Back. Is a 3rd Cornerback that pressing of a need? No it’s not, especially with so many good options out there that could immediately improve this team and fill slots that still remain empty, mainly with special talents like Dez Bryant and Jerry Hughes. Will the Patriots have anyone next year that will be able to rush the passer? Do you really trust that Wes Welker will be the same Welker next year?

Look, I don’t hate this kid, and it’s fine that he is on the team. I am just sick and tired of reading yahoo Patriots fans and Belichick apologists constantly making excuses for Lord Belichick. Yes he is a master tactician and talent evaluator, but you also need to realize he makes mistakes, especially in drafts. Look at Chad Jackson. But maybe I am completely wrong about this whole situation. Maybe in one evening Belichick will parlay his four picks into four solutions that will fix the Patriots, but then again he may be an arrogant douche, trade out of the 2nd round with a bunch of the picks and get a whole bunch of 4th-6th round talent. Will that be enough to overtake a much improved Jets team, and a Dolphin team that always plays the Pats tough? Will Tom Brady be throwing to David Patten and Alge Crumpler this season? Will we have to watch Peyton Manning go through an entire game without ending up on his ass at least once? I’m not looking forward to finding out.

Mass Hysteria Attempts to Create a New Fantasy Pool

Posted in contests contests contests, HZMLS, NFL Draft on April 8, 2010 by hzmls


Now that March Madness is over, the Gambling bug that dwells deep in my soul has become hungry and demands that I continue to waste money. Now I have fantasy baseball, which is cute but literally takes five minutes out of my day to set up. That leaves me with 23 hours and 55 minutes to think of other ways to blow my money. So this afternoon I was tweeting, (you can read my 140 character ramblings here), and I was thinking, how could I get that same adrenaline rush with the NFL draft that I get picking UCLA with the spread against Montana. Then I thought. Let’s start a pool on our blog guessing who the Patriots pick in the draft. So here it goes. In the comment section
1. Pick four players that you think the Patriots will draft in the first two rounds (don’t give a shit about rounds 3 on).
2. Only thing is, if someone has already picked that combination, you can no longer pick those four together. So if say GHABBY was to choose, Tebow, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen, then that combination is off the board.
3. If one of the picks is traded, then it will be just three picks that will be evaluated.

So let’s get it started, winner will get a Mass Hysteria t-shirt (when they are created)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOWZERS!

HZMLS: Brandon Graham, Demaryius Thomas, Aaron Hernandez, Sergio Kindle

Who you got?

Your New Boston College Basketball Overlord is….

Posted in Al Skinner scary ass mofo, HZMLS, welcome to the heights donahue on April 8, 2010 by hzmls

So my prayers were granted, Al Skinner is gone. The BC coach who led the Eagles to two Sweet Sixteen appearances and has the 3rd best winning percentage in the ACC the past four years was fired two weeks ago. Oh, well. Before I move on to the new BC coach, I want to make a few things clear. Al Skinner was an excellent coach, that made the most out of his players. He and Bill Coen found hidden gems Craig Smith, Sean Williams, Jared Dudley and Tyrese Rice. These were all guys that most elite schools didn’t care about, yet somehow Skinner made them superstars. As I think of his tenure at BC my favorite year of basketball was BC’s final year in the Big East, when they beat Georgetown and the then top 25 Syracuse team with Hakim Warrick and Gerry McNamara. It was really a magical year, a year I went to every home game, no matter who they played, but I digress. Things really turned on Skinner last year, when he recruited NO ONE. Not a single fucking player was brought to Chestnut Hill to play for BC, which made watching Biko Paris and Josh Southern implode on the court that much harder. The stands were empty, unless the opponent was Duke or UNC, which wasn’t surprising because the Eagles were painfully bad to watch. Finally as rumors floated that Skinner really wasn’t much of a recruiter (his assistants were), and he was really lazy (showing up to campus around noon, and practices halfway through if at all), GDF fired Skinner. Woop dee doo. Bye bye scary mouth man, no more nightmares for me.

So who did BC replace him with? BC’s prodigal son Bruce Pearl? Yeah right. Pearl has a primo job down at UT with all his own recruits, why the hell would he leave that to go to a town that openly acknowledges that they don’t give a shit about college sports? He wouldn’t. And I almost died when I saw BC fans throwing around the name “Brad Stevens”, because that is batshit insanity right there. Stevens at this point can write his own story, go whereever he wants for whatever price he demands, BC was never on that list. A cute dream, but an illusion nonetheless. So who did we end up with? Steve Donahue.

Now many of you may think I am going to slam this decision but honestly I’m not. I think what we saw out of Cornell this year was alot of exciting basketball (They almost beat Kansas), and a coach that is making a lot of promises (a la Coach Jags). How can you not get excited when he promises that he is going to turn this team around and make them relevant again? I thought Skinner needed to go, the team had gotten stale, he was not utilizing his prospects the way he should have (if I had to watch Reggie Jackson run the flex I was going to scream). Think a coach that actually lets his team run the floor, wow, exciting huh? But the biggest question that remains is how will Donahue sell this team to recruits and the fan base that would rather get sloshed in the Mods then see a BC-Maine game. The next few years should be interesting to say the least.

Sippin on Gin and Juice, LAAAIIIDDDD BACK

Posted in Dr. Dre and the Red Sox, HZMLS, Red Sox on April 6, 2010 by hzmls


Sorry it’s been a while folks, but this post needed to happen. There are so many things with this picture that just explode with an orgasm of awesomeness all over my face.

1. Dr. Dre in a Red Sox uniform
2. Dr. Dre taking batting practice
3. Dr. Dre hit a ball off the wall, meaning on Sunday Dr. Dre hit the ball further than David Ortiz.

As we saw on Sunday this team does not need more hitting; they will hit the ball fine. What this team does need is a tad of what they call gangsta. Sure, they have the scruffy sweatyhead and chinbeard of Youkilis, and the fuck-yeah brigade and Josh Beckett, but do they have this?


If Theo wants to win this year, just throw on The Chronic, and I will guarantee at least 4 dead Bloods and 95 wins. At least throw Dre in the lineup every five days, and he could just stare at the pitchers and sneer, “Hey man, my boy Eazy needs some company, wanna join him?” Guarantee the pitcher will throw hanging curveballs every pitch. Bad case scenario he couldn’t be any worse than Varitek right? And I bet he could bag Heidi Watney just by looking at her.

Hey Dre. Drop Detox. Please.