Archive for the nomahhhhhhhh Category

Welcome Back Nomar

Posted in HZMLS, nomahhhhhhhh, reconciliation on March 10, 2010 by hzmls

Before I watched the press conference this morning I wanted to rip Nomar a new asshole. I couldn’t believe that Theo and Co. would be celebrating a player who basically gave up on his team and teammates. I wasn’t happy when fans cheered him when he came back to Fenway for the first time this year, and I wasn’t sold that he changed. But I watched the press conference, and as gay as it sounds I was moved by it.

“But throughout all that time, I was constantly seeing Boston fans everywhere and telling me the same thing, and like I said, there’s a place in my heart for those teams that I’ve played for, but the biggest part in my heart is obviously here. And that’s why I felt like for me to really finish and ultimately retire, it wouldn’t have felt like a retirement if I couldn’t put this uniform on one more time.”

Awwwwwww. Thanks Nomie, want to go over my house and hug while we chat about the good times over some Moet and chocolate covered strawberries? Just kidding. There is always going to be a special place for Nomar in my sarcastic dark pit of a hole that once contained my heart. In high school and college Nomar WAS the face of the Red Sox. True he never seemed to like the media, fans, or even playing in Boston, but I rooted for him anyways. The beginning of 2004 seemed to play out like so many other disgruntled athlete sagas in Boston: Mo Vaughn, Roger Clemens, Carl Everett etc. When he left, I was a mix of pissed off that he gave up on his team, and sad that THE face of the Red Sox was gone. For years after I never gave him any credit for the 2004 World Series, and laughed and giggled as he tore his groin, strained his bicep and whatever other illness befell Garciaparra.

But this morning, as I watched Nomar on the podium with Epstein, and Lucchino, I could finally move on. He seemed genuine, and letting us, the fans, know that all along he still cared deeply about Boston meant alot to me. So I have decided to put away my vendetta against Garciaparra and accept him. Nomar was a Red Sox once again, even if it was only for a day.

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A Special Guest Columnist Provides a Preview of the 2010 Red Sox

Posted in HZMLS, nomahhhhhhhh, previews of the red sox, Steroids would make more sense on February 11, 2010 by hzmls


Hi everyone, Nomar Garciaparra here to give you the run down on the 2010 Boston Red Sox. I am super excited to get going with my newest gig reporting on major league baseball! This new job finally gives me the opportunity to get out of the house, since Mia only lets me leave now 20-30 days a year. And since most of you all thought I retired after 2004, I finally am back in the spotlight! My first report is going to be on the 2010 Boston Red Sox, my first club!

Nomar’s Talking Points:
1. I don’t like this lineup at all. First of all Adrian Beltre is the only guy that I can really relate to, because he is a hitter pure and simple. None of this OBP, OPS, IRS, DDP garbage, the guy just gets in there and swings. I just don’t get guys like Pedroia, Youkilis and JD Drew. I’d much rather see a guy in there that can hack, because what’s the difference between a one pitch and an eight pitch at bat? Five minutes of utter boredom! Current players that I would like to see the Sox go after? Jeff Franceour and Jason Kendall.

2. One player I have to admire is David Ortiz. Here is a guy that totally is on my level. Through some hard work, and creative training, he has gone from a marginal player to a superstar. And what’s with all these mean media dudes questioning us for steroids? You see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated, that was pure will power, weight lifting, and supplements from my provider Enrique Montana. And I didn’t just hire him because he is Columbian, I hired him because he come up with a way to take Decca anally, but like you know not in a steroidsy way. I just hope that Ortiz’s body doesn’t start to break down like mine did. Because god that sucked.

3. What is the deal with Mike Lowell? His situation is one I can understand, rattled by injuries the Red Sox want to get rid of him. But what is with this keeping your mouth shut business? Who the hell has ever gotten anywhere by being polite? Take some advice from old Nomie and my good friends Carl and Manny. “Blast the front office, the fans, the media, and give up on your teammates”, that will get you out of there and into a better situation in a hurry. Go ahead call Shaugnessy an imbecile, tell the fans to flip Burgers at BK, and call Theo a homo, it works wonders for your career.

4. Speaking of the fans, what the hell is up with all of you? Do you know how hard it is to make millions and million of dollars a year to hit a baseball? Don’t you all have better things to do? Isn’t there a deal on Bud Lights at RemDawgs or something? God I played in LA where the fans showed up in the 2nd and left in the 7th inning, and Oakland where no one bothered to show up at all, and it was so much easier. Hey Sox fans, get a life!

Well folks, I’ve gotta run! (falls shatters both knees, sprains his ACL, MCL and achilles and fractures wrist)