Archive for the Patriots Category

See how quickly the Pats third receiver problem was solved?

Posted in david patten really, HZMLS, Patriots on February 24, 2010 by hzmls

I couldn’t believe it myself when I read it, but the Patriots re-signed David Patten to a one year deal. David Patten. Wow. I hope to crap the Pats have another option up their sleeve for receivers, but knowing Belichick who the hell knows. But that makes me ask the question. What was Donald Hayes not available? Troy Brown too busy playing BINGO with the old folks to unretire for the thirteenth time? In other related Patriots news The Pats tried to resign Chad Jackson but he couldn’t get off his shift at Wendy’s to make a try out. David Givens missed the phone call because he was too busy listening to tracks from Aaliyah and Destiny’s Child that he downloaded off Napster.

They also were aiming to re-sign Bethel Johnson but he dropped the phone when his mom threw it to him.

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One of these guys is playing the Patriots tonight

Posted in HZMLS, Li'l Weezy And You, new awlins, Patriots on December 1, 2009 by hzmls


Honestly I haven’t been this excited for a game since, well ok two weeks ago when we played the Colts. Again the Patriots are playing an undefeated team on the road, and again I have this gut feeling that they could pull it off. I have nothing personal against the Saints, they are a fun team to watch, Drew Brees is the shit, and Marques Colston saved my fantasy team like three years ago. Plus they gave BC alum JoLunn Dunbarr a job, which I like. Two great cities going head to head let’s take out the tale of the tape:

Food
Gumbo vs. Clam Chowder: I love love love Cajun food, nothing kicks ass more than eating a food with spice and flavor and thats what they have down there. Plus I am lactose intolerant, so eating New England Clam Chowder gives me the worst case of diaherrea. YUM!
Edge: New Orleans

Rap Music
Lil Wayne vs House of Pain(?). Now if I opened this up to music in general it would be a little closer, but I am a fan of the Hip Hop Music. Lil Wayne is incredible, loves the purple drank, and is heading to jail for a year. House of Pain blows.
Edge: New Orleans

Accent: Bostonians sound pretty stupid when they drop and add R’s indiscriminately, and have created words like “wicked” and “bubblah”. New Orleans have taken the english language bent it over and had their way with it. With words that are completely ludicrious like “maw maw” (grandmother) and YAMAMMA’N’EM the New Orleanians have stomped the language to death.
Edge: Draw

The Girls

New Orleans has some of the hottest pieces of ass from all over the country who flock down to Mardi Gras to show off their boobies and make out. Well at least thats what Girls Gone Wild has taught me. Boston has the conservative college girls. But then again New Orleans has the newest strains of Syphiherpegonerrhea.
Edge: Boston (Unless you don’t mind the Super Drips)

The Actual City
Boston is a beautiful lush city with history, culture and tradition. Half of New Orleans was swept away five years ago.
Edge: Boston

Patriots @ Colts, November 15, 2009 *LIVE BLOG*

Posted in Live Blog, Patriots, seriously though fuck the Colts, SmartyBarrett on November 16, 2009 by hzmls

<a href=”http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&task=viewaltcast&altcast_code=bbc64fca5d” >Patriots @ Colts, November 15, 2009 *LIVE BLOG*</a>

Afternoon Checklist

Posted in Live Blog, Patriots, seriously though fuck the Colts, SmartyBarrett on November 15, 2009 by hzmls


Smarty Barrett’s Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that’ll be ready for game-time √
4. Have a fantasy team where the bench is out-scoring the starters √
5. Live-Blog the Pats/Colts game


YOUR Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that’ll be ready for game-time √
4. Make fun of Smarty Barrett’s fantasy team √
5. Come back to Mass Hysteria at 8:00 for the Pats/Colts Live-Blog

That’s right, kids. Myself, HZMLS, and whomever else wants to join in will be Live-Blogging the action tonight. So y’all need to get FIRED UP! As fired up as this guy:

URGENT: MISSING PERSON

Posted in fuck the dolphins, fuck you joey porter, joey porter is a queen, Patriots, SmartyBarrett on November 8, 2009 by hzmls
ATTENTION MASS HYSTERIA: PLEASE, YOUR HELP IS NEEDED. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?


His name is Joey Porter, and he was last seen embarrassing himself, his teammates, and the Miami Dolphins organization. He was supposed to play in an NFL game today at 1 pm in Foxboro, Massachusetts, but a quick check of the stat sheet shows he was not present. Please help: he was talking so much trash, there’s no way he was going to miss this game. He answers to “Overrated”, “Disgrace”, and “Small-Time”. He is known for not tackling, talking shit and not backing it up, and being a general failure. Please, any help is appreciated.

SAT Analogy Prep. – Courtesy of Mass Hysteria

Posted in 59-0, Patriots, poor analogies, running up the score, SmartyBarrett, too soon? on October 19, 2009 by hzmls

As we get into the usual SAT months, many high school students may be panicking as they try to prepare for likely the biggest standardized test of their lives. But not to worry, kids. If you saw the Patriots 59-0 drubbing of the Titans yesterday, you should be able to follow along with this. Any of the below are suitable answers to the following analogy:

Patriots : Titans ::

The Harlem Globetrotters : The Washington Generals

Mark David Chapman : John Lennon

Cold Weather : Mark Sanchez’s Career

Vomit : Jimi Hendrix

Peter North : Lacie Heart

Jack Daniels : An Unborn Fetus

MLB Steroid Testing : Bobby Abreu’s HR Numbers

The Ramseys : JonBenét

Whole Wheat Toast : Smarty Barrett

Mike’s Pastry Cannoli : GHABB,Y~!

Dave Henderson’s HR : Donnie Moore

The US Military : Pat Tillman

A Book : A Florida State University Player

Rocket Booster Failure : The Space Shuttle Challenger

Derek Jeter : Really, you can’t begin to measure the intangibles on this guy… I mean, if you were looking to define the word “leader”, you’d have to start with Derek Jeter. Look at the way he approaches the plate — can you think of a better example for young players? Just point at Derek Jeter, and say “That, son, is baseball. That is being a man.” (contributed by Fox Sports)

A Weight Machine : Nancy Benoit

Yours in the comments!

A Very Special Ravens @ Patriots Week 4 Preview

Posted in i didn't kill no muthafuckin lion, Patriots, Ray Lewis is over rated, SmartyBarrett on October 2, 2009 by hzmls


Wow, we’re into Week 4 already? And I haven’t written ONE Patriots post yet? As soon as I realized this, I send HZMLS a quick text to ask if I could preview this week’s game and he obliged, so here we go! Smarty Barrett taking the reigns and —


WOOOOOO!! OUTTA THE WAY, SNOWMAN!

SB: Ray Lewis? The fuck are you doing here?

RL: Heard you were doin’ a preview, MUTHA FUCKA! Preview this: ME BREAKIN’ DUDES IN HALF! FEEEEL MEHHH!

SB: Um, OK, we’ll get to that, Ray. I mean obviously you guys are a very strong team this year, 3-0 and such, and I think it’s mainly due to —


RL: DUE TO ME, MUH MAN! WOOOOOO!!!

SB: Um, sure, yeah, that’s part of it. I definitely think the defense as a whole has been —


RL: DEFENSE AS A WHOLE?!?! Dawg, I AM the defense! DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! The FUCK you starin’ at, BOY?

SB: Oh, err, nothing. Nothing at all. But I mean, you kind of jump on piles a lot to pad your tackle numbers, I mean… I don’t know, just saying that —


RL: OH HELLLLZ NO you DIDN’T!! Ray Lewis IZZ Ray Lewis, MAN! I AM A BEAST! I AM A LEGEND! I KILL DUDES!!!

SB: You kill dudes? Um, maybe you shouldn’t… you know, say stuff like…


RL: Say what? What’d I say, motherfucker, huh? What’d I say? You hear anything? I didn’t hear anything, you hear anything? You BETTER not have heard anything, dawg. Cuz if you think maybe you heard something, dudes is gonna start disappearing. You get me?

SB: Hear what?

RL: Ezzackly. You a smart dude. All I heard was talkin’ about tha defense. DE-FENSE! *ARF ARF* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*

SB: Oh right, the defense. Well, I mean, besides you, of course, Ray Lewis, there’s like Ed Reed, right? I mean I think he is just crazy goo —


RL: BITCH, I AM ED REED!

SB: …you’re Ed Reed?

RL: Did I STUTTER, you cracka? I’M ED REED. I AM THE DEFENSE. *AR–

SB: OK, Ray, we get it. You’re Ed Reed. You’re Ed Reed. Of course. How silly of me to think otherwise…

RL: You goddamn right I’m Ed Reed. I’m also Terrell Suggs, Brendon Ayanbadejo, and Bo Schembechler’s fuckin’ DAD. BITCH.

SB: Bo Schem–?? …nevermind. Well, listen, about this game. I gotta say, as a Patriots fan, I’m pretty confident. I mean I know y’all are 3-0, but two of those wins were against the Chiefs and Browns! I mean, have you SEEN those teams play this year?


RL: Yo, how many times I gotta TELL you?!?! I DIDN’T SEE NOTHIN’!! NOTHIN’, AIGHT?

SB: OK, fine, but I was just askin’ about —


RL: SEE?!?! You askin’ questions! I AIN’T NO SNITCH! I AIN’T SAYIN’ SHIT! You know what, fuck this. I’m finishing this preview muh-self. 5 important keys to the game, GO:

1. I di’nt kill NOBODY.
2. I di’nt SEE NOTHIN’.
3. Tom Brady go’na get his head KNOCKEDTHAFUCKOFF.
4. I DEFINITELY di’nt STAB nobody.
5. I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!!!!

YOU HEAR DAT, TRENT DILFER? FUCK YOU, I’LL STAB YO’ ASS!!!

SB: Ahem, well. That was… that was great, Ray. Seriously. Just, um… this IS going on the internet, so I mean… a lot of that stuff you said is–


RL: It’s what? …shit.

SB: Yeah… probably should have warned you. So um… anything else you wanna add?

RL: Um….

SB: Ray?

RL: ….

SB: OK, so I guess that’s it. Go Patri–


RL: DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*