Archive for the Scalabrine Category

First Half Thoughts

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, Scalabrine, ugly ugly ugly on June 18, 2010 by hzmls

Sorry for no liveblog, don’t want to distract my attention in any way from this game. This very very very very ugly game. Jim Ross would call this “bowling shoe ugly.” If the first half of this game was a woman, it would have Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose and Gabby “Precious” Sidibe’s physique. If it was a country, it would be Greenland – uninhabitable and misrepresented on maps. If it was a band, it would be Nickelback. Okay, not that bad, but you get my point.

A few first half thoughts, now that I have 20 minutes to get my heart rate down:
-Yes, the Celtics are winning. But it’s entirely due to the fact that the Lakers are insanely cold (nervous?) from the field. These things correct themselves. By no means are the Celtics outplaying the Lakers though. In fact, things like 15-2 offensive rebound margin and 8-3 turnover margin (both in favor of LA) mean that the Celtics are playing dumb and lazy.

The rebounding thing speaks to a larger problem – we’ve essentially conceded the paint. I have ZERO idea what KG is doing on defense, he’s not even making an effort with Gasol. Downs Ostrich has ten rebounds in the first half. Ten. That’s fucking disgusting. I was actually glad when KG went out with his third foul. Baby actually is playing Gasol a million times better. Thankfully Odom has been absent and Bynum only has a few minutes left in his legs, so the key to winning back the paint will be stopping Gasol. Whenever a shot goes up, have everyone over 6’7″ box out the dirty Spaniard.
-A little worried that a “hot hand” for the C’s hasn’t showed up offensively yet. Not sure who they’ll turn to for that 3rd quarter run. Pierce looks…okay? Allen’s been a dud. Rondo’s playing jumpy.
-Anyone who calls Kobe clutch needs to look at his performance this half. 3-14 from the field. Not even making free throws. Ohfer from three. No presence on defense. I said it before – Shaq, not Kobe, was the key on those first three championship teams. Here’s hoping he tries to shoot his way out of the slump and lulls his teammates to sleep.
-Artest is the Lakers leading scorer. Never in my life did I think I’d be saying that in a Finals Game 7.
-Finally…SCAL ALERT! And he got a Trillion! He gets an honorary Club Tril shirt. Game 7 just got gingered. Here’s hoping that’s a sign of luck.

Tomorrow’s News Today: Scalabrine Leads Celtics to Win

Posted in Celtics, Gary Busey references, GHABBY, Scalabrine on January 28, 2009 by hzmls

We at Mass Hysteria were able to get an early copy of tomorrow’s AP story on tonight’s Celtics-Kings game, featuring a heroic performance from an unlikely source.


(AP) BOSTON – The fact that the Celtics defeated the Kings on Wednesday night was of little surprise to NBA-watchers. However, the game’s superstar will probably surprise many: former backup forward Brian Scalabrine.

Scalabrine finished Wednesday’s game with 42 points, 18 rebounds, 12 assists, eight steals and six blocks in what was easily the best, and most surprising game of his career. Even more shocking was the fact that Scalabrine had been considered doubtful for Wednesday’s game after suffering his second concussion in three days during Tuesday’s practice, but reportedly showed up to the TD Banknorth Garden prior to the game looking refreshed, completely healthy and passing all mental examinations from team doctors.


“I don’t know what got into Scal, but he looked like a completely new man out there,” noted C’s forward Paul Pierce. “I didn’t even know Scal could dunk, but here he was, throwing down alley-oops and swatting shots out of the sky. The only weird thing was that he’d only answer to ‘Henry Rowengartner’ in the team huddle.” Scalabrine, never known for his vertical leap, also wowed fans by plucking a quarter off the top of the backboard during a television timeout and blowing out an entire birthday cake that rested on the top of the rim, also finding the time to remove each candle from the cake while suspended in air.

His dunking feats aside, possibly most impressive was Scalabrine’s quickness on Wednesday night, as his eight steals included two separate plays in which he dashed across the court to intercept simple outlet passes. MIT scientists examining Scalabrine’s performance this morning noted that his on-court speed during Wednesday’s game would translate roughly to a 4.07 40-yard dash, which would set an NFL record. The same scientists measured Scalabrine’s vertical leap at 97 inches, which would shatter the world record high jump set by Cuba’s Javier Sotomayor in 1993.

High-speed cameras were able to pick up the blindingly fast Scalabrine in action on Wednesday night.

A postgame interview with Scalabrine revealed little about his sudden talents or post-concussive symptoms, as he only made odd references to fictional characters as “Chet Steadman” and “Phil Brickma,” and repeatedly asked for his mother. Ironically, Scalabrine also was seen turning to actor Gary Busey for pregame advice.

“I knew Scal had it in him all along, it just took a concussion to get it out of him,” noted Celtics GM Danny Ainge, who had been widely criticized for signing the longtime bench player and butt of many league jokes. “My only worry now is that the Cubs sign him, as he’s reportedly been throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs all morning.”

Paid For With Bleeding Nipples

Posted in bleeding nipples, racist stereotypes, Scalabrine on April 1, 2008 by hzmls


So a friend of mine is a design student around here and she received an assignment to “design a coin with a Boston/New England theme.” Seriously. Off the top of my head, these were my top ten ideas:

1. A coin made up entirely of obscure racial slurs that double as people’s nicknames.
2. A coin portraying the Gloucester heroin trade.
3. A coin that’s black in the smaller middle and surrounded by large white suburbs.
4. Brian Scalabrine: the coin.
5. Maybe you could get Brad Delp, singer of Boston to design a coin. Oh, wait, nevermind.
6. Actual parts of Ted Williams’ frozen head inside the coins.
7. Have the coin written by Tom Menino “In gohfhfwetrsstffssfdhh.”
8. The frightening wrinkled weather-beaten visage of whoever won Miss Maine 2008.
9. A coin commemorating the Marathon portraying a runner with bleeding nipples.
10. Jimmy Fallon on one side, Drew Barrymore on the other.