Archive for the SmartyBarrett Category

Shut Up, You F*cking Baby (Phil Jackson Edition)

Posted in Celtics, fits of rage, NBA Finals, not-so-obscure david cross references, phil jackson, SmartyBarrett on June 11, 2010 by hzmls

So we here at MH are starting to realize that writing a post every time Phil Jackson whines about something is kind of like posting every time Daisuke walks somebody. But this latest crap is just too asshole-y to pass up. I quote:

Phil Jackson on the energy of Glen Davis: “No, I don’t want to talk about that.”

Awww, waaahhhh I’m an overrated coach that gets handed superstars on a silver platter, waaahh I didn’t game-plan for arguably the Celtics’ best bench player, waaaahhh.

Phil also gave a similar quote when he was asked to comment on Nate Robinson’s play. Wow. Phil, here’s a tip from Bill Belichick: just say “__________(player) was good. We need to do a better job on him next game.” That’s all. It fits your mold of cold, dry, curt comments, and you can actually NOT sound like a petty little prick. Oh, and I love how Belichick gets ripped by the media because he never gives a good sound bite. Phil’s no-comment’s must make for some great back page headlines!

Here’s a headline, Phil: you’re a fucking sore loser. Just admit you got beat and move on – the series isn’t over! Stop sulking like a little girl. Would it kill you to maybe compliment the opposition? A little tip of the cap every now and then? Nah, maybe just pout like a little bitch instead.

Oh, and PS – I bet it was real hard to coach Jordan, Kobe, and Kobe AND Shaq to championships. So congrats on that. Call me when you do some real coaching, you shithead.


R.I.P. Kyle Singler

Posted in college basketball, kyle singlers aryan bash, national championship, seriously though fuck duke, SmartyBarrett, whimsy on April 6, 2010 by hzmls

Lost in the shuffle of last night’s National Championship game was the unfortunate end to Kyle Singler in a death-by-pick tragedy. Singler was rushing up court when he slammed into Matt “Hair Lip” Howard and was killed instantly. Coroners have determined the cause of death to be a combination of albinism, hemophilia, allergies to sunlight, and getting LAID THE FUCK OUT. The above photo shows Singler’s last moments alive. The Duke medical staff asked the doctors not to rule out the fact that Duke players are constantly told to go down when there is even the slightest bit of contact, but when they saw him leaving the court in a body bag, they became concerned. A bit of good news, however: Singler’s family has not ruled out allowing his corpse to star in the next Twilight movie.

AT&T Can Go To Hell (And Other Opening Day Observations)

Posted in adrian beltre just saved a run, att sucks balls, chan ho park is sucktastic, fuck the Yankees, Neil Diamond, opening day, Red Sox, SmartyBarrett on April 5, 2010 by hzmls

So remember all that live-tweeting and Facebook-page-updating and trying-to-be-funny posting I promised everyone last night? Well someone didn’t tell AT&T my plans (or maybe you did cuz you hate me… bastards…) because from the time I got to the Fenway area at 7 all the way through getting to our seats, the anthem, the 7th inning stretch, Dirty Water, etc. etc. etc. I had no service on my phone. And it wasn’t just me – literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talked to/overheard with AT&T couldn’t check their email, Facebook, texts, phone calls, etc. It was pathetic. I’ve already fired off an angry, hangover-fueled email to AT&T, fully expecting a “Thank you for making us aware of this issue, Smarty. We realize there is a problem and we are working diligently to resolve it. As always, thanks for being a loyal AT&T customer. AT&T – More bars in more places.” response. Blow me. If I wasn’t so hopelessly in love with the iPhone, I would drop you clowns so fast.

So being that I couldn’t regale you with updates during the game, I’ll summarize as best I can from what I remember of this kick-ass Opening Day:

*Dr. Dre is in better shape than C.C. Sabathia.

*I usually don’t get all amped up over a fly-over, or fireworks or crap like that, but I gotta say it pumped me up.

*Pedro coming out and throwing out the first pitch = GALLONS OF AWESOMEJUICE.

*Mike Lowell got a thunderous ovation. Awesome. Can we trade you now?

*Also a huge hand for Tek as he walked to the bullpen. Thanks for taking your benching in stride.

*If you’re a Red-Sox-fan hater, this was a perfect game to be at. Seriously, I was completely ashamed to be at this game. Where have all the real fans gone? Let’s see, we had an obese chick wearing a shirt with WAAAYYYY too much cleavage and Y O U K plastered across her cans in lipstick. Stay classy. And eat a goddamn salad for once. We also had a “fan” in front of us turn around to see K-cards that were being handing out before the game. He promptly asked “What’s the K stand for?” /facepalm

*And just the general atmosphere of the game was not conducive to REAL fans at all. The biggest ovation of the night went to Neil Diamond (who came out in the 8th to sing Sweet Caroline. Corny. He sounded awful too.). There were constant fights in the stands, and someone in our section tried to start the wave in the TOP OF THE SECOND INNING, and by the way, coaxed it in the wrong direction. Some 5-year old kid gave the speech from Miracle before the game. Cuz you know how 1980’s Olympic Hockey and 2010 Major League Baseball have such huge parallels. And Steven Tyler sang God Bless America (which ALSO sucked). Listen, I’m all for fun stuff at the park, but it’s this kind of pandering that takes the game away from the serious fans. Paraphrasing a bit from Pete Abe here, but if people want to sing along to Neil Diamond and slap beach balls around and drink and chat and do the wave, then stay home! You can do all that in your living room! And let the people that really want to watch the game come to watch it. Look, I have no problem with having fun and tradition and surprise guests, but when it starts to take away from the enjoyment of the game, then it starts to bother me. When people are more excited to see Neil Diamond in a Sox hat than they are to see Pedroia go deep to tie the game in the 7th, then there’s a problem.

*Last one, I promise, then I’ll get to actual game stuff. Can Sox fans get together and maybe come up with some decent insults for Yankee fans? There were 2 Bronx bozos behind us and the insults tossed their way were WEAK. “Yah dood, yoo ahh gayyy!” “Dood gai, fack you! Yankees sahhck!” “Brutthah, yooo sahhhck!” Really? That’s all we got? Come on guys, maybe game-plan a little.

*OK, onto the game: The Yankee fans behind us were commenting on how a HR that dings off Pesky’s pole is “the cheapest home run in baseball.” I couldn’t really disagree. Less than 5 minutes later, Posada drills it, right on cue. They quickly celebrated his monstrous and heroic bomb. High-fives and ass pats for everyone.

*When it got to be 5-1, I kind of settled back in my seat, sort of like the father of the worst kid on the Little League team. “Come on now, let’s just have a good at bat!” “Wow, that was a big swing! Almost!” “Yay! Nice eye!” “Just try your hardest, that’s all that matters to me!” I leaped out of my seat in mock celebration when the Sox got their second hit. Little did I know that it WAS the start of a pretty sick rally.

*Coming back from deficits of 2-0 and 5-1 against one of the best pitchers in the AL is no small feat – “BUT DOOD GAI, DA OFFENSE SAHHHKS! WE NEED TA TRADE LIKE BOWDEN AND LAAHS ANDIZSIN TO DA PAAHHDS TO GET GAHNZALIZ, GAI! DOOD HE IS PISSAHHH!”

*Say what you want about the Yankees offense, but they have absolutely NO answer for Scott Schoeneweis. The Cy Young voting is pretty much a formality now.

*The Chan Ho Park era couldn’t have had a greater beginning. I smelled yard work as soon as I saw him warming.

*Bard in the 8th, Papelbon in the 9th. Pitching, defense, run-prevention (!!!!), and, oh yeah, SCORING NINE FUCKING RUNS. That’s how we do it.

P.S. – I’m think I’m going to grow to love this man:

Oh Hey! There’s A Baseball Game Tonight!

Posted in fuck the Yankees, live tweeting, opening day, Red Sox, SmartyBarrett, Twittering the last frontier on April 4, 2010 by hzmls

Ay, Robinson!
The holiest of holy days in our entire calendar.

…wait, Christians? HELL NO. Sox fans, bitch. I pray to the Lord Theo and routinely give readings from the book of Francona. Yes, kids, it’s Opening Day, let us bow our heads and pray for Beckett’s blessing. And to top it off, it’s against the Yanks, yikes! Let’s play some ball!

I will be in attendance for this occasion, and will be providing updates on my Twitter, @SmartyBarrett, so be sure to follow me, or at least read it, talk shit, whatever! Check on it during the game, my iPhone is sure to be going nuts from the first pitch to the last out. Or comment here – either way, it’s going to be a fucking BLAST. Enjoy it, everyone!

Your Semi-Irregular College Hoops Post

Posted in college basketball, evan turner, SmartyBarrett, temple owls, the owl's nest, URI homerism on February 12, 2010 by hzmls

Yes, the college hoops posting here lately has been lacking to say the least, but rest assured: college ball is still…what’s the phrase? Oh yeah: FUCKING AWESOME. For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention this year, all I can tell you is there’s so much parity right now that my head hurts just THINKING about filling out a bracket come March. Who’s the best team right now? Kansas? Kentucky? Syracuse? Bryant? It’s a wide open field this year, so be sure to fasten your seatbelts on March 18th.

One thing I can tell you this year is that there’s no question in my mind who the best player in the league is: Ohio State’s Evan Turner. Yeah yeah, I’m sure GHABBY et al will tell you about John Wall and how OMG NAZTY LEBRON #1 PICK!!! he is, but Turner is more NBA-ready at this point. Wall has a ton of raw talent, but he is just a freshman and he’s prone to mistakes. I think his upside is higher, but if you’re strictly discussing the best player RIGHT NOW, it’s Turner, no question. Watch the dude play if you haven’t already.

Now onto *gulp* my Rhode Island Rams. Honestly the reason I’ve been hesitant to post on them is because I am insanely superstitious and genuinely afraid of a jinx. But they’re 19-4, 7-3 in the very tough A-10, and have a real good shot at making the tourney this year. Ahhh I’m jinxing them! Shut up, Smarty, shut up!

For now, check out the interview I did with the Temple Owl’s blog The Owl’s Nest about the game tomorrow between URI and Temple. Should be a good one; check it out if you can, and check out their site as well. I’m betting a lot of D-1 teams wish they had a fan blog this good. Enjoy it, and enjoy the countdown: 4 weeks to Selection Sunday!

A Post For the Whole Family!

Posted in peytonmanningFAIL, SmartyBarrett, super bowl on February 8, 2010 by hzmls

Hey, kids! I’m so glad your parents let you join us, because normally we’re a site only for mommies and daddies! Did your mommy or daddy let you stay up and watch some of the Super Bowl last night? They did! Well, then you’re ready for today’s Mass Hysteria trivia question, for kids!

OK now, focus really hard on this. Can you point to the quarterback that is now 9-9 in the playoffs with 19 interceptions in those 18 games?

That’s right! Peyton Manning!

Good for you! OK now, it’s time to leave the room. I need to talk to your mommy or daddy in private now. Thanks for playing!


OK, they gone? Sweet.

Now here’s your trivia question: The media continuing to compare Tom Brady’s post-season prowess with Peyton Manning’s is:

a. Completely irresponsible
b. Totally fucked up
c. Goddamned embarrassing
d. All of the above

Well done, you’re just as smart as your kid.

Sometimes It’s Good to Drop a Baby

Posted in glen "big baby" davis, nicknames, SmartyBarrett on January 26, 2010 by hzmls

So the artist formerly known as Glen “Big Baby” Davis is now the artist currently known as Glen Davis. And with that, Glen is currently searching for a new nickname. Awesome, right? There’s got to be a ton! Why we could go with… what’s that, Glen?

“‘Uno Uno,'” Davis erupted in delight. “I like that, I like that. I’ll be ‘Uno Uno,’ that’s my new name.”

Oh wow, there’s an original one! Wow, let’s just start calling everyone by their jersey numbers in Spanish! Alex Rodriguez, you’re no longer A-Rod: you’re Uno Tres. Big Papi? Nope: Tres Cuatro. AK47? Try Cuatro Siete.

See how boring and unoriginal that is? Jeez, Glen, leave it to the experts, i.e. us.
Here’s Mass Hysteria’s list of potential new nicknames for Glen Davis:

Glandular Baby
Husky Baby
Big Cholesterol
The Other Dark Meat
Glass Hands McFatty
Big ChildSteamroller
Fat Men Can’t Jump
King Hippo
The Abominable Abdominal
The Mad Phat Trans Fat
Marcellus Wallace
“Now Starting in Tonight’s Celtics Loss..”
Worst.KG Insurance.Ever.
Not-Glenn Davis
Hugh Grant ….think about it.