Archive for the Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen Category

A Quick Message from Jesus Shuttlesworth

Posted in Celtics, Goodbye Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, HZMLS, message from jesus, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on February 17, 2010 by hzmls

Hey Celtics fans you like winning right? You want to see the Celtics go far in the playoffs correct? Then get rid of me pronto. The Celtics are going nowhere as is, and the biggest problem is me. I am useless, and I totally understand that. And guess what? There are plenty of teams that would love to take on my bloated contract and my declining skill set. Who cares who you get, there is one thing I do “well” and that is shoot 3 pointers, and you have Paul Pierce, so basically I am useless. Did Danny Ainge really have the chance to get Caron Butler for me and the Ginger and didn’t pull the trigger? If so, he is a bigger idiot than Big Baby on Trivia Night. Yeah I know you all want to get all sentimental about 2008, and chicks get all creamy over my 3 point skillz, but get rid of me, I need to go. Unless you want to see Lebron, Dwight Howard, or Joe Johnson kill you Celtics I suggest you send me to the Clippers, or Nets pronto.


Weekend Sports Survival Guide

Posted in hurray beer, HZMLS, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, Twittering the last frontier, Weekend Previews on May 1, 2009 by hzmls

You may have already read about what is going on this weekend, but here it is again. The unholy trilogy of the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox all will be playing this weekend. So if you are like myself you have your entire Friday Saturday and Sunday set, and you are already working on your ass groove on the couch. This weekend could be very stressful for us all; Will the Bulls take it to the C’s in Game 7? CAN THE RED SOX FUCKING WIN IN TB???? And how will the Bruins stop the scorching Hurricanes? If you have a life (I don’t) you are probably going to be out somewhere in Boston watching the game at a Bar or Speakeasy. But for the rest of you losers let me make some recommendations to help you handle your weekend of sports watching.

Recliner Shitter. Who ever said that our site is too classy to talk about pooping? But with the constant shoveling of buffalo wings, popcorn, hotdogs, and every other greasy food within arms length. Bathroom trips are a necessity, especially if you imbibe a little in the boozin. What is the worst thing about finding time to relieve yourself during a sporting event? MISSING THE DAMN GAME. In those two minutes it takes to use the bathroom you could miss Zdeno Chara decapitating a Hurricane, or Brad Miller smashing Rondo’s face into the Parquet. If you really want to maximize your tv watching time, buy 300 feet of cable, and set up your TV up in your bathroom.

A ball gag, for those loved ones that don’t know the difference between a three point shot and home run. You will find this particularly useful for the girlfriends/wives that want to talk about their best friend’s pregnancy, the newest episode of Lost, or their feelings. Seriously, do you want to hear about what color she wants to paint your hallway, or Tommy Heinsohn verbally abusing the refs and Kurt Heinrich. You may try to ask her to watch the game, but for her that is like trying to read Vonnegut in Russian. Simply go up to your loved one and say “Honey I sat through Fever Pitch with you, just put this on for the next three days….Love you”

Ham Chips. Yes Ham Chips. So when I went over to Spain last week I found out that they have this fantastic new creation that combine two of God’s greatest creations: Ham and Potato Chips. They are made by Frito Lay, and are right there in the aisle with Sour Cream and Onion and BBQ. For some reason Frito thought Ham Chips wouldn’t be a big seller in the US. They should fire their advertiser and product placers immediately. The best part of these chips? They taste like a combination of Bacon Bits and Divine Bliss. These chips are so delicious that you won’t even realize that you are catching a mutant strain of Swine Flu while eating them.

There are men that change the world; Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, William McKinley….and this guy. How this guy is not sitting in a floating mansion in the midst of the Carribean with twin blondes pleasuring him is beyond me. This is possibly the greatest invention ever created. Just think you can get a beer, and not even stand up. I tried to make a beer can thrower once out of my old race car set, a shovel and some hair elastics. But when I set it up the machine just split the can, spilled beer everywhere and made my apartment reek like failure.

The Ray Allen Action Figure. Friday night this will be important, stroke the figure while you watch the Bruins and the Sox, and thank Ray for helping us get this far. Make sure you fall asleep with Ray in your arms, cuddle him, and it should help the Ben Gordon nightmares go away. On Saturday, take your Allen doll, cuddle it, rock and sob as you prepare for the end of the Greatest Playoff Series since the Catholic faced off against the Lions in the Coliseum.


Mass Hysteria has finally caved and is on Twitter. Yes we have caved in and joined up (Thanks to the King Loser HZMLS). Tell all your friends, both real and cyber that you can follow the antics of HZMLS, SB, GHABBY, APNDR and Raquel on Twitter!

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Boston Sports Tonight!

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen, Tawny "Boom Boom" Kitaen on May 22, 2008 by hzmls

With the Red Sox ripping off more Grand Slams than me at Denny’s at 3am, Boston sports fans are left to give their undivided attention to jumping black men in shorts for the rest of the night.

Celtics vs. Pistons Game 2, 8:30: While the C’s got off to a boneriffic start on Tuesday, those efforts can be for naught with a bed-shitting in tonight’s Game 2. If you’ve been in a bunker for the last three weeks (and if you have, I don’t blame you, for the Ruskie Menace is real and here), you may not have heard that the C’s are slightly good at home in these playoffs, and slightly dogshit on the road. Ergo, home wins are necessary so long as road wins are NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND.

*twitchingly shovels Flexerall into expectant mouth*

I’m remotely confident in a win tonight, both because of the home surroundings and the fact that the C’s rocked sweet balls and could do no wrong on Tuesday. If they play like that every game, they can beat the Pistons, Lakers, and Tawny Kitaen, all at the same time.C’s fans (who are then divided into groups of “those who enjoy the intensity of Kevin Garnett” and “those who liked Larry Bird cause he wasn’t one of the Mud People”) should know very quickly how tonight’s game will go, based on whether the following things occur in the first quarter:

  • Kevin Garnett actually uses his drop step and makes an offensive move towards the basket, and not away.
  • Chauncey Billups (hamstring) waddles towards the opening tip like the kid with the “glandular problem” in gym class
  • Ray Allen gets lost on his way to the arena
  • Rasheed Wallace stabs an official in the heart
  • A trail of dust and smoke follows in the wake of Rajon Rondo (better seen in HD)

If all of these things occur, then the C’s are guaranteed to win. If not, then it’ll be a nailbiter, though probably still fun as hell to watch.

Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Flip Saunders performs a double back handspring on the sidelines to the soothing strains of Yanni, changing his name to “Prepubescent Female Gymnast Saunders.”

Serious Prediction of the Night: C’s win an extremely close game, possibly in the waning seconds and/or overtime. Detroit’s guards should look better than they did Tuesday night, but conversely, the Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen should start making actual shots at some point in these playoffs. I’m thinking that both occur tonight and cancel each other out, leaving the C’s superior frontcourt to outplay Detroit’s lesser big men. Garnett goes for 25-10, Pierce scores 20 and Allen (shock!) has at least 15 in a C’s win.

Finally Putting it All Together: C’s Win Game 1 Over Pistons

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen on May 21, 2008 by hzmls

Sorry for the lack of Celtics coverage over the last few days, but frankly, I was a bit conflicted after that Cavs series. By the Conference Finals, a team should develop some sense of consistency, but the C’s haven’t even been able to settle on a rotation, let alone a style of play that would guarantee a win. It’s been maddening and awesome, frustrating and joyous, all at the same time.

Then came tonight.

Tonight was the C’s best performance of the playoffs. That’s right, I said it. The. Best. Nearly everything that made me love this team during the regular season was on full display tonight, and against a very game Pistons team that wanted this win badly. Most all the hallmarks of the Celtics We Know came out tonight, including the following:

  • Ball rotation – The C’s ranked third in the league in assist ratio (+3.58/game), a stat made more amazing when taken into account that the two teams ahead of them in those rankings had point guards named Steve Nash and Deron Williams. Without a high-assist point guard, the C’s success in that department therefore spoke to everyone’s ability to find the open man at all times, asfive Celtics averaged at least 3 assists per game. Tonight showed to be a prime example, as the C’s out-assisted the Pistons 27-15. Against a halfcourt defense like Detroit’s, finding the open man is key, and the C’s ability to do so tonight was a big reason for their win.
  • Perimeter defense – Hamilton missed the only three he took tonight, and Billups was held to only nine points. Wallace went 0-3 beyond the arc too, eliminating a weapon they often use. Still, Detroit’s success feeds off of their guard play, and those guards were completely locked down tonight. Billups’ +/- rating was a minus-18. I will now be sending a bouquet of roses to the doorstep of one Rajon Rondo. In fact…
  • Rondo’s play – 11 points, seven assists, and five steals in 39 minutes of play. More importantly, Billups seems more hurt than he initially let on, leading to a more confident (few other PGs in the league build off confidence like Rondo does) and defensively alert (five steals!) Rondo.
  • Garnett taking high-percentage shots – KG’s 26-9-4 stat line was impressive, but what impressed me more was how those stats were accumulated. Garnett generally kept his back to the basket and played like a traditional post against Detroit, and the Pistons were absolutely helpless to stop him (Wallace especially looked OLD on defense). Not coincidentally, “KG staying down low” has a lot to do with the C’s winning games, and will especially be a factor in this series.
  • The second unit – held onto leads and found different ways to contribute. Leon Powe even made an appearance, though frankly, he should really be playing more. There’s nothing that Jason Maxiell can do that Powe can’t do better, yet Maxiell gets all the hype. House and PJ Brown looked great as well.

Some things however concerned me, and NEED to be fixed before Game 2:

  • The Sneering Corpse of Ray Allen – it’s sad when the crowd is cheering for him out of pity. He’s not even trying to shoot anymore, which is unfortunate, because jump shooting is his only discernable skill. He’s a severe liability at this point, and while early-game attempts to get him involved in the offense are cute, they’re akin to letting the retarded kid join the kickball game to let him feel involved. At some point very soon, Allen will either have to do a complete 180 or find his ass on the bench for most of the game.
  • Antonio McDyess – Dude went for 14 and 11, despite the fact that he’s on his eighteenth ACL and is roughly 97 years old. I guess if you’re gonna let any Piston beat you it should be McDyess, but still, there’s no excuse at all for letting him go 14-11.
  • Three-point shooting – Detroit’s eventually gonna start hitting their threes, and the C’s are going to therefore have to answer them. Shooting 2-9 beyond the arc (0-4 from Pierce) ain’t gonna get it done. Allen took only ONE three tonight by the way. He, of course, missed. Because he’s a zombie. A sneering zombie.