Archive for the There is nothing funny about cancer Category

Opposing Offenses You Have Been Warned

Posted in HZMLS, mark herzlich, There is nothing funny about cancer on January 22, 2010 by hzmls

Mark Herzlich is some sort of god/ Hercules creation.

There I said it. After missing the entire 2009 season with Ewing’s Sarcoma, and beating the ever loving shit out of his cancer, Herzlich is back. What did the BC linebacker do while battling cancer and receiving chemo? Oh, just continued to lift weights, work out, and raise almost $200,000 for cancer research. And he never threw up from the radiation. Rumor has it that he was still lifting 250 pounds in the midst of his treatment. Jesus Christ, I can honestly say that if I got cancer, I would be in bed crying from pain, and it would be a minor miracle if I could get out of bed so I don’t shit my boxers (probably Depends at that point).

How the hell is Mark Herzlich practicing a year after being diagnosed with a potentiall fatal cancer? Because he was sprouted from the loins of Zeus, that’s why. Next year, as he leads the Eagles out of the tunnel against Weber State, I expect him to be carrying a huge American flag, carrying Osama Bin Laden’s head by his turban. If an NFL career doesn’t work out for Herzlich, I could forsee a career in rebuilding Haiti by himself, overnight, or possibly fixing the National deficit with nothing more than a abacus, a paperclip and some string.

Personally, I am beyond pumped to see BC next year. Beyond that I am a giant sap, that almost cried numerous times watching videos of his recovery, I think he is going to be AWESOME next year. Fluff pieces happen so infrequently here on Mass Hysteria, but my love of Herzlich is bordering on creepy, stalkerish, Matt Ryan level. You have all been warned.

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The Boston College Experience: BC vs Kent State

Posted in BC Eagles, HZMLS, mark herzlich, recruit me i have five years of eligibility left, There is nothing funny about cancer on September 14, 2009 by hzmls

Because I was away for the Northeastern game, I missed reporting back on an epic 54-0 corn-holing of the Huskies. (Not like anyone would have cared even if I did.) But a funny side story about this game. There was a Northeastern Husky statue near where I got married, and my brother did me a favor and vandalized it with BC gear and shaving cream. I think its a pretty accurate representation of that entire game:

So back to Saturday’s Game against Kent State. I know nothing about Kent State other than a bunch of hippies were killed there by the National Guard in the 60’s, and Super Jew and current Patriot Julian Edelman played there. I had no expectations that they were going to put up any semblance of a fight, but I was more curious which quarterback would emerge from BC. More importantly than the game, this was going to be my first tailgate of the season, what to drink, what to eat? Would I even remember the game?

Weather: Shitty and wet. Unlike most BC fans skipping the game was not an option, bad weather or not I was going to man through it. Seriously, I should have taken a picture of the stadium, it was about 50% full no wonder BC fans get a bad rap.

Tailgate Food: Meatball Subs and Lasagna. What says BC tailgate better than a heaping bowl of artery clogging cheese and Italian food. My mother in law is a great cook, and mixing Italian food with beer is something that would make Jesus smile. In one single meal there was enough food to make GHABBY (diabetus), SmartyBarrett (wheatard) and Raquel (hippie) sick. Mix in some Italian subs, cookies from Henry’s market in Beverly, and Seven Layer bars and I am pretty sure that I carved out two years of my life in one sitting.

Tailgate Drink: Today was a mixture of Sam Adams Boston Lager and Red Dog. Yes, Red Dog. You may remember Red Dog as that beer that existed in the early 1990’s with the cool fat Bulldog that was NOT AT ALL AIMED AT UNDERAGED DRINKERS. Many a people asked “That still exists, I haven’t seen that in a liquor store in years”. But oh it exists on the North Shore, like all of us who have ever lived on the North Shore, Red Dog can not escape. My sister- in- law is still a student, and this has become the beer of choice among her group of friends. I was a little skeptical at first but actually if you were going to drink shitty light beer, Red Dog isn’t that bad. Especially if you drink it out of a flabongo.
Yes a flabongo. Its like a funnel, but made out of a flamingo lawn ornament and totally not gay at all. Basically how it works is a company sawed off the legs and beak, you pour the beer in the belly, put your mouth around the beak and drink mutha fuka! See what sucks about getting older, or at least drinking 5 beers before this, was that I really struggled to chug the beer. In fact about a quarter of it ended up coming out of my nose onto the ground, which made Mrs.HZMLS call me a “loser” for not being able to finish it. She tried it right after me and did a whole beer, which of course made me feel like less of a man. Rightly so.

The Actual Game: Today’s pregame did not get me into a state where I fogged out during the whole game (it’s happened in the past). BC mopped the floor with Kent State, both quarterbacks Justin Tuggle and Dan Skinskie (who is now 25) did reasonably well. I’m not going to bore you with details, but BC won 34-7. It wasn’t much of a game. Richie Gunnell who must be in his 9th season for BC scored two touchdowns, and the only low point of the game was that Kent State scored on the last drive of the game against the 2nd string BC defense (the first points BC allowed all season).

During the game, Mark Herzlich was trolling the sidelines. If you don’t remember Herzy is the linebacker that many projected to go first round this year to the NFL, but doctors discovered Ewing’s Sarcoma in his knee and now he is out, and he has been battling through chemo and radiation treatments at Mass General. But the guy is a freak, my god he is going through horrific shit I can’t imagine, and there he is still bench pressing 200 pounds plus and doing leg lifts of 350. Jesus Christ. But anyways BC was selling shirts to raise money for Ewing’s Sarcoma, so I bought one of these (it’s hard to see in the pic, but the Eagle has Herzy’s eye black on). My shirt will look a little different because by the end of the year it will be soaked in beer, tears and shame.

After the Game: More tailgating. Now I am not naive enough to think that BC tailgating is anything special. In fact I would like to thank the residents of Brighton and Newton for making tailgating so difficult. But anyways, hit up some more Red Bull ate some more food and fell asleep on the car ride back. Went home drank some nice scotch, and watched USC beat Ohio State before falling asleep again. What a Saturday, that is exactly what the fall is all about.

Next week: at Clemson. Can BC actually pick a quarterback? Can they actually beat a Division 1 football program?

Get Well Soon RemDawg

Posted in HZMLS, If I Was Remy I'd Start Selling Mustache Rides, There is nothing funny about cancer on May 7, 2009 by hzmls

Heyyyyyy there Remdawg, it’s me your pal Joe offering you my best wishes and recovery from that unfortunate bout of lung cancer. I think I can speak for all the fans of the Red Sox when I say we are all praying for a quick and full recovery from your illness. But let me also explain that there is a popular misconception going around that your cancer was caused by cigarettes, and Mr.Dawg that is completely untrue. There is absolutely NO link between smoking a smooth, delicious and relaxing Camel Cigarette and any sort of medical disease. The only disease I can conclusively link to cigarette smoking is “MassVaginaitis”, with symptoms including being irrestistable to the ladies, and having all other men say “Wow look at that guy, he’s cool!”.
Lung cancer is very unfortunate, and in no way a laughing matter, it has seemingly touched everyone I have ever come in contact with so believe me I know your pain. But there are other factors that led to your current health situation including and not limited to: red meat (particularly 25 years of eating Fenway Franks), unprotected sexual relations with Red Sox sideline reporters, global warming, Deval Patrick and asbestos. I know you gave up cigs earlier this year, but think of all the fun you that smoking has brought into your life!!! We’ve been nothing but friends to you, remember back in ’78 when you banged that stewardess for Eastern Airlines? Who was there for you after you flew the friendly skies of her unshaven mons pubis? that’s right, we were. And how could you forgoet the times when Don made you laugh so hard that you lost your breath and the lack of oxygen made you faint. Was I there? Damn right I was!

So as you rest up from your surgery, and take time away from the booth, remember that after you recover Joe Camel will always be there for you. From that morning smoke right after you wake up, to that last post coital cig before you go to sleep, Remy we will always be there for each other. Hell if it hadn’t been for smoking how would you have gotten your gravely voice that has made you millions of dollar? Before you smoked you sounded like a prepubescent Lance Bass, you would have never gotten a job with NESN, but now you’ve got the pipes of a young Barry White and are one of the top announcers in baseball. So from the entire, loving, caring Tobacco company let me say get well soon, rest, and get back to the Red Sox as soon as you feel better. I know if he was still around the Marlboro Cowboy would wish you a full recovery as well, but unfortunately he passed away years ago from a completely unrelated illness.