Archive for the weei stands for everything i despise about boston Category

Nerd Hates Stats, Theo Epstein and YOU

Posted in HZMLS, jerry thornton hates you, weei stands for everything i despise about boston on March 10, 2010 by hzmls

One of the reasons I ordered Sirius radio was so that I would never have to listen to WEEI on my drive to and from work ever again. Their radio shows are simply horrible. But their goal of worldwide conquest has expanded as they have gone on to try and create a blog roll of well known columnists to talk about all things Boston. I have no idea who Jerry Thornton is, but he wrote an anti- stats column that is by far the worst, laziest piece of shit I’ve ever read.

This is Jerry Thornton, doesn’t look like a guy that would rip on stats right? I’d expect an ex NFL football player that can barely read or write his own name, and spend his evenings doing steroids to rip on OBP and FIP rather than this nerdlington. Look at him, Thornton looks like the epitomy of “number crunching loser that figures out Jacoby Ellsbury’s UZR vs Mike Cameron’s”.

Well let’s look at his arguments:

“There’s no escaping this conclusion: the Stat Geeks have quietly and insidiously taken power. Every hot stove report I’ve read this offseason, every article written from Fort Myers, every statement from Sox brass, has the Stat Geeks’ grubby little fingerprints on it. They’re like the Communist Party plotting to take over Hollywood in the 1950s before Ronald Reagan got wise to them and kicked their pinko butts all the way back to Moscow and Harvard Square. Only, instead of trying to write screenplays full of anti-capitalists rants, the Stat Geeks have succeeded in making otherwise normal, decent, God-fearin’ Americans start talking about VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) ratings and UZR (Ultimate Zone Rating) numbers like they really believe in this nonsense.

As a Red Sox fan I totally understand your point. I was talking to my mom the other day about Bill James, and she was really confused so I tried to explain it to her “Mom, he is like Stalin, in that he ruthlessly murders the family of dinosaurs like Dusty Baker and Ed Wade” but she looked at me and said “Hun, are you drunk”? I love comparing Theo Epstein to a Communist, but that begs the question who would be Joseph McCarthy? And by the way are you saying the communist purges of the ’50’s was a good thing? But Thornton does have a point, I want to see more sacrifice bunting, moving runners along, hell while we are at it tell John Farrell to not bother taking pitch counts either. Numbers! Pfff!

Look, I love Theo. A lot.

But you just said that you hate the standards in which he evaluates players.

At this point you might be saying “Gee, Jer. How do you know so much about Stat Geeks anyway?” Glad you asked because the answer will surprise you. Because I, for a very brief time in my life, was one. Yes, it’s true. Looks like mine and brains, too? As implausible as it sounds, I Was A Teenage Stats Geek. I read the backs of guys’ baseball cards.

Wow me too Jerry! And I remember looking at Daryl Strawberry’s Vorp on the back of his Fleer rookie card. Oh wait, what else was on there.
AB, Strike Outs, Runs, RBI’s, Home Runs, Doubles and Home Runs. Wow, that is some pretty intense statistics there Jerry. You must have had to bury yourself in your cellar with a T-83 Graphing Calculator to follow baseball games. If you “once” followed these statistics but have become enlightened and stopped with those pesky “statistics” what the hell are you watching? OH I LIKE JACOBY ELLSBURY HE’S A NEAT PLAYER THAT MAKES LOTS OF SWELL PLAYS! Instead of even using basic stats that even my grandmother understand I assume Thornton proposes that Epstein evaluate baseball players by taking baseball cards and sign whatever one is the last to stick to the spokes of his bike.

Things quickly turn personal for Thornton:
But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn’t know and never will. Women. And it changed my life forever, in much the same way that Blossom’s life changed in that Very Special Episode where she gets her period, I would never be the same. As I recall, the exact moment for me came when Phoebe Cates climbed out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and took her top off in slow motion to the Cars’ “In Stereo” that did it for me. What Phoebe showed me that day was perfection. I wanted to have them and I was willing to do what it took to get them. Then my whole world was transformed. Suddenly Butch Hobson’s RBI total didn’t mean quite as much. Jim Rice’s total bases faded from my mind.

Right dude, fuck the statistics, get the bitches and the pussy. Have you ever tried to talk to a broad about OPS, it’s impossible bro!Just tell the girls you think Josh Beckett is hot. Wait, wait wait. This doesn’t make sense:
Does this look like a guy that got girls at any point in his life? Please, you know he has a profile on Eharmony right now “promising long walks on the beach, red wine, and watching the Bachelor by my fake fireplace”. By the way Jerry, Bill James has a wife, has written numerous books, works for the Red Sox and doesn’t write shitty blog posts for WEEI.

“So as a public service to all like-minded fans, concerned Red Sox citizens worried about the direction the Nation is headed, I’d like to put my ex-Stat Geek skills to us and offer my own formula for judging all statisticians. Let’s call it the NSGR/MMUSRI (Nerdy Stat Geek Ridiculous/Meaningless Made Up Statistic Rating Index). You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.

Wow, that sounds like a pretty intense formula. I have a math question I would like my readers to answer: take one angry WEEI blogger, multiply his complete ignorance of basic math, add his complete arbitrary methods of evaluating not only baseball but everyone else in the world, subtract the women he has slept with (constant zero), square it by the amount of jocks that kicked his ass in high schoool and your answer should resemble something like this:

Psst hey Jerry, you realize the Red Sox won two World Series evaluating talent with Satan’s wand, I mean statistics right?

Ok how do I add him to my RSS feed.


Your Drive Home Just Got 1/4 More Tolerable

Posted in bye bye pete sheppard, haterade, HZMLS, weei stands for everything i despise about boston on January 20, 2010 by hzmls

Pete Sheppard was fired today. To start off I am not a fan of WEEI. At all. I hate everything about the station from the racist douchebags Dennis and Callahan in the morning, to the Big Show where the entire cast just yells over each other. If I had my way, I would dance around and do a friggin rain dance naked in front of the station if their signal was destroyed. If you aren’t familiar the show basically consists of four loud mouthed blowhards, who have some bizarre homo-erotic crush on Tom Brady, hate liberals, gays and blacks, and don’t understand statistics. The show ends with the “Whiner Line” which are a group of insanely unfunny morons, who listen to these assholes on a daily basis, and make stupid quips about what happened on the show* . Sheppard is Big O’s trusty sidekick, who’s “MO” is that he is a stammering fat retard, that the rest of the crew beats on.

A basic Big Show consist of a conversation like this

Big O/Pete Sheppard/DeOssie/Smerlas (all at once): I just don’t know about this sabermetrics/black people talk and dress funny/college sports are for commies and the French/ Liberals are a bunch of panty wearing queers.

Well 1/4 of the reason I bought Sirius/XM is leaving, too bad the rest of those clowns still have jobs. Due to the “economy” Sheppard was canned by WEEI today, and was seen leaving in a trail of bacon and jelly doughnut scented tears. I feel no pity for him, the show was about intolerable as it gets. I mean I’m all about poop and fart jokes, but not when they are told by two of the assholes that would be the type that hung me by my underwear from my locker.

“Hey Steve. Guess what I saw?”
“What Fred, a great deal on Prime Rib at our steak house?”
“No, Sheppard was taking a poop in the bathroom”
“Darhaharahar. when i played for the giants, i was most known for making poops and patting guys on the butt! duhduhduhduhddh This is why we are rated number one! Ok, let’s go make out with 13 year olds”
“Pre-puberty rocks!” (smashes head into radio board)

And when the callers were put on the air the show got even better!

“Hey Big O. The Sawx have gotta go out there and make a trade.”
” Well you know, they already have enough pitching.”
“Yeah whatever you fat bastard. If I was Theo I would trade the Marlins, Jason Varitek, a Fenway Frank and the Dropkick Murphys for Hanley Ramirez. Oh and I’ll throw in Deval Patrick”
“Caller, I understand you. Patrick is a child molester loving liberal with a flowers in his hair who hugs trees! These hippies want to take your money and legalize murder! Global warming was created by Satan and Bill Polian. I just farted! Tom Brady is the bestest quarterback in the league. Durdurdurdur.”

Sheppard, best of luck to you pal. Hope you find another job somewhere else. Just not in Boston, well I got skiing up north alot, so why don’t you find a job in say Chattanooga. I hear the rednecks like inane, pointless banter. And please if you are a Big Show regular listener, and all this offends you get the hell off our blog.

*To be honest though the Robert Kraft impersonator is REALLY funny.

The next caller on WEEI is…

Posted in fred smerlas, Hazel Maes Landing strip, HZMLS, weei stands for everything i despise about boston on January 9, 2009 by hzmls

Yeah hi, this is Richie from Dorchester. I wanted to come over to this here blog thing and talk about how to improve the sports team in Boston. Ya see, it’s pretty iconic that I am one of these blogs because I listen to WEEI all day, and all day long I listen to wicked smart individuals like the Big O and Dennis and Callahan. Theys tell me that blogs are for losers, who live in their parents basement, and that bloggers are not as qualified to talk about sports as they are. But after recently supporting Barack Obama’s economic plan on the air, well the producers of the show have banned me from calling back. So here I am!

I am still pretty bummed the Red Sox lost to the Rays last year, and the worst part is Theo isn’t doing anything about it!Look I called into “Planet Mikey” last week and gave him this solution. Right now we are looking at a 4th place team, because the Blue Jays are going to only get better. Ok, so we didn’t get Tex-um-Texa-um-Teshera, but who cares he’s going to be the next Carl Pavano , an over priced stiff. And the Yanks got that fat whale CC, and the guy that throws a 100 mph, but who cares? Theo needs to be creative, first of all he needs to get more power into the lineup. Here is what you do: take Youkilis put him in right field, bench JD Drew because he is a bum, and put Lowrie at 3rd. THEN, you trade Charlie Zink, Tim Wakefield, Dusty Brown and Chris Carter to the Marlins for Hanley Ramirez. Oh and they can have Julio Lugo to play SS, and we will pay half his salary. There it is, right there, and the Marlins would say yes; because they get two cheap pitchers and a catcher who can catch the knuckleballer. And if they say no, we throw in a Gil Valezquez as well. The other problem we have is with our catcher, so what we should do is trade Jason Varitek and a future draft pick to the Twins for Joe Mauer. The Twins really like prospects and they need some veteran leadership so this is a win-win for them. And there you have it, the Sawx are fixed for next year.

Ok the Patriots, we didn’t make the playoffs this year, and there is a reason for all this. Tom Brady got hurt. Next year we are going to have two QB’s on the roster and we need to figure out what to do with one of them. Yeah I know Pete Sheppard and Fred Smerlas are going to kill me with what I am going to say. Tommy you got us three Super Bowls, and we won alot of games in 2007, but Tom you are getting old. And that injury of yours, well you aint gonna be no spring chicken when you return. So here is what I would do, trade Tom Brady, take whatever offer you can get and move him. Look, Matty Cassel is the future of this franchise, and Brady is old, time to move on from him. I don’t think he likes it here anyways. I’m thinking a team will give up a 1st and 2nd round draft pick for him, but we need to be greedier. Let’s ask for it all, we want a teams entire draft, hey the Dolphins did it for Ricky Williams. Then we take those draft picks and get the best RB out there, I don’t know any because I don’t waste my time watching college football, and maybe like 3 new Linebackers to go with Jerod Mayo. Then in this off season, we need to go out and sign Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens, maybe to short term deals with big signing bonuses, to give Cassel his weapons. 16-0 again baby!

I am starting to get worried about the Celtics because well they have played lousy this year. I know 19 games in a row, blah blah blah, but you know who I blame for the recent struggles? Doc Rivers. I know, he won a NBA Championship last year, but that was all because of the talent he had on the court. Hell, if you allowed me to coach Garnett, Allen and Pierce I could win a championship. Hell even Ordway agreed with me! Look at when Rivers he had young guys, the team stunk. He’s not a very good coach, because he is missing the key to fixing the team. He needs to play Sam Cassell. The team isn’t scoring enough points, and well Cassell is an offensive weapon that needs to be utilize. Take minutes away from House and even Rondo, and watch the difference. Plus he has good chemistry with Garnett so that will have to be an improvement. There you go, problem solved, see I told you I could coach the Celtics better than Rivers.

Well anyways thanks for letting me onto this here site. I am glad I can share my expertise on Boston sports, because well I know alot from listening to WEEI. But for all you readers out there that spend hours scrolling through this site, fuck these Mass Hysteria guys. Jesus its in their slogan “WEEI IS BOSTON’S SPORTS LEADER”. Dale Arnold is twice the hockey guy as Raquel, Mikey Adams wipes the floor with PimpNamedDaveR, John Metaparel knows more about college sports than GHABBY and SmartyBarrett combined, and the Ordway is far superior to this HZMLS character. Well, I’ve gotta spend the rest of my day trying to figure out a catchy jingle to throw on the whiner line. I really want that hundred dollar gift certificate to Grossman Bargain Outlet. See ya later, and GO SAWX!!!!!