Game 3 Liveblog: Goddamn I Wish I Was Back Home For This

Posted in Celtics, GHABBY, NBA Finals, you gon be killed dead on June 9, 2010 by hzmls


So sometimes I have this dream/fantasy that someone tries to break into my house, and I hear him rustling around downstairs. But instead of calling the cops, I quietly creep down the steps and sneak up behind him in the dining room, just as he’s rifling through the china (why I have china, I have no fucking idea. Seriously, what’s the point of having dishes you use once a year? Hell, I’m generally averse to using anything but red Solo cups, but that’s just me).

Anyways, I creep up behind the robber, but I’m unarmed, because guns are for pussies and bats are so 1930’s Chicago. No, I’m armed only with what Dark Lord Xenu gave me, which can defeat a gun, knife or Col. Mustard in the study with the candlestick. I immediately put Mr. Robber Man in a Ted Dibiase sleeper hold, and he can’t do a fucking thing. I lock in the Million Dollar Dream for just long enough for a little blood to stop flowing to his head, and then I let him drop. Once on the ground, the beating commences.
I start with kicks. Nothing to the body, I go straight for his head. Also, I’m wearing steel-toed boots with spurs on the front. Don’t ask me why. Once I’ve kicked his fucking face in, I drop to mount position and start raining elbows, like Anderson Silva on a motivated day. Each elbow makes dent after dent in his orbital bone until I can finally see his face collapse in on itself. I finish off the job with fists, not finishing until one eyeball (usually the left) pops out of its socket, hanging on by the strand of the retina. Once I’ve caved in his skull, face and dislodged an eye, I utter one phrase:
“Don’t come in to my fucking house again.”
So yeah, the Lakers are in our fucking house. Let’s leave them with an eyeball hanging.
10:33 1st: Six straight points by KG. Reports of his death may have been greatly exaggerated. By me. Mea culpa and such.
9:15 1st: Is that Luke fucking Walton? Luke Walton? Two minutes into the game? In 2010? I just checked, his playoff averages are 5.4 minutes and 1.2 points per game. And he’s already in the game! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The Lakers are DOOMED.
6:38 1st: My girlfriend, who is relatively new to basketball – “I don’t like those Laker uniforms,” followed by a disapproving sneer. I’m like John the Baptist, converting the heathens to Celticstianity. She then saw Derek Fisher and said “look, he has your beard and hair. He’s your black twin.” I”m not sure how to take that.
5:13 1st: Bullllshit call on Rondo. He’s got two fouls, and suddenly my left nut hurts. Thankfully KG is partying like it’s 1999. He must’ve purified himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and eaten some pancakes.
GameBlouses.jpg image by markedhoosier
End 1st: 25-17 Lakers. How in the fuck are we losing? Oh, right, Bill Kennedy is reffing this game. Two on Perk, two on Rondo, two on Pierce. And why? Kennedy hates Doc Rivers because Rivers allegedy insinuated that he’s gay, (seriously) so he proceeds to have forcible gay sex with the Celtics every time he refs to prove that he’s not a power bottom. I hope he gets AIDS (not because he’s gay, because he sucks at life. I wish straight people AIDS all the time).
10:42 2nd. For. Fucks. Sake. Literally nothing is going right for the C’s. If someone in a Celtics uniform tried to scratch their balls right now, they’d probably rip open their sack, nick the vas deferens and die of excessive bleeding.
6:36 2nd: Hey Adam Sandler. Stop wearing a fucking Knicks jersey, you grew up in fucking Manchester. Not Manhattan. Fucking Manch-vegas you douche. Also, you haven’t been funny since Billy Madison. Little Nicky was almost as bad as the Chyna sextape.
5:30 2nd: Rondo is apparently loud on the airplane. Pierce isn’t loud because he was frozen in an ice block a week ago and hasn’t been let out. A Celtics 9-0 run doesn’t drop the lead to single digits, so yeah, the game is going great.
3:30 2nd: The girlfriend found some Handi-Snacks in the cabinet. Mmmm Handi-Snacks. I hate cheese, but in elementary school, I used to eat me some fucking Handi-Snacks every day. And no matter how hard you tried, you could NEVER break that red stick. I think it was made out of titanium-grade plastic. If you gave a prisoner a Handi-Snack red spreader stick, he could dig his way out of prison in like 45 minutes.
1:45 2nd: You know how a few years ago Derek Jeter went into the stands in that game against the Red Sox and busted the shit out of his face, and for a second you were like “ya know what? I know I’m supposed to hate that dude, but I sorta have to begrudgingly respect Jeter for that play because the dude goes balls out”? Yeah, Kobe just laid out to save a tipped ball, and, well…um…uh….I don’t respect him at all. Kobe can fuck right off.
Halftime: 52-40 Lakers. Pierce and Allen are a combined 1-13 from the field. ONE FOR THIRTEEN. I mean, okay, if one guy has a shitty game, I get it, that’s fine, it’s workable. But if TWO of your four stars are rocketing Massaman Curry Beef out of their rectums all over their inner thighs and shoes, then you’re all sorts of fucked.
9:10 3rd: Pierce hits a three and Allen hits two free throws. Lead is down to seven. I’m feeling hopey….
8:06…aaaand the refs call Pierce’s 4th foul and ignore Allen getting clotheslined on the way to the hoop. If this was the WWE, Kane would have chokeslammed all three refs at this point.
5:30 3rd: Allen and Pierce are now a combined 2-20 from the field. 2-20. The refereeing is horrible, but you’re not going to win with Allen and Pierce going 2-20.
If I made my own Sprite movie, it wouldn’t involve superhero Asian men. Rather, it would involve me drinking a Sprite, calling it some weak ass soda, and then going into diabetic shock while EMT’s pour insulin down my gullet. Also, Grant Hill would be involved, because Grant Hill Drinks Sprite.
1:57 3rd: The lead’s down to five….
37.1 3rd…and four….
11:14 4th: I for one appreciated the post-foul dance performed by Rasheed and Big Baby. It was like the Haka but with more jiggling. Also…THREE POINT LEAD BITCHES.
9:45: ONE POINT GAME~!~!~!~!~! I have no idea how this is happening. None of the starters (save Garnett) is having an especially memorable game, the refs are fucking us sideways, Kobe’s going off…and yet the lead is ONE. I’m giddy.
8:15 4th: Example 1 of Kobe’s dirty tricks – Kicking TA in the fucking neck. This is why the Celtics need a goon. Or P.J. Stock.
5:30 4th: Why do I have that sinking feeling despite the C’s cutting the lead to four?
4:20: Derek Fisher and Ron Artest are doing the soul-crushing in the fourth quarter. The girlfriend has spent the last ten minutes criticizing Fisher’s entire existence. This after saying I looked like him a few hours ago
2:00 4th: Another CLUTCH shot by KG. Don’t know what we’d do without him tonight.
1:29 4th: Crap, that was out on KG. Dammit dammit dammit. Wish Doc hadn’t called that timeout. I’ve gone from full mast to half staff.
1:10 Replay giveth! Reversal shows that Odom touched the ball last, C’s get the ball back down 4.
48.3 seconds: Ray’s 13th brick, Fisher gets an and one, and the game is pretty much over. Derek Fisher of all people won this game with 10 points in the 4th. Wish I could scapegoat a worse guy. People are probably gonna question giving Allen the shot there, but the guy set a Finals game record for threes just two days ago, and he had the open shot. I should be more pissed, but I’m not.
39 seconds: Some hope there with another out-of-bounds call, but KG squashed it with a moving pick. Game over. Homecourt advantage pissed away. Time to stop neglecting the girlfriend, goodnight.

GHABBY Once had a Series of Posts Dedicated to This Matter

Posted in HZMLS, Jack Nicholson has two names and isnt as cool as Madonna, mess with the Celtics and you get the horns on June 7, 2010 by hzmls

HMmmm What was it? ….

I vaguely remember it had something related to consuming a sack of male genitalia.

Bite a satchel of testicles?

Nah that doesn’t sounds right.


Chew on a manpurse of scrotum?

Nope. OH I GOTS IT!

EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

Who do I want to dedicate this to? Phil Jackson. The coach who has the audacity to whine and bitch that Ray Allen was getting preferential treatment from the refs after Game 2. Yes, the coach I assume watched the same game I did, the game where Kobe and Pau Gasol were drawing fouls whenever anyone sneezed on them. The same game where Kobe shot a 3 point play, when the replay clearly showed that no one touched him. The same game the Lakers shot 17 more free throws. The same game that Andrew Bynum was sent to the line after Big Baby clearly blocked his shot. Yeah well the Zen master had this to say after the game:

“When they take away any bumps, when (Derek Fisher) is trying to make him divert his path and they don’t allow him to do that, they call fouls on Fish and that really gives him an opportunity to take whatever route he wants to make off the pickers. That really makes it difficult. We just have to adjust to the ballgame to what the referees are going to call. Are they going to allow us to take direct line cuts away from him so he has to divert his route, and call on Fish and get a foul called on Fisher? That makes for a totally different type of ballgame. Then Fish has to give the routes that he wants to run in and then he’s got to play from behind all the time.”

For that kind sir, I would like to invite you go fellate Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio and the entire cast of this summer’s comedic abortion Grown Ups.

Game 2 Liveblog: Ice Cube is a Sellout Edition

Posted in Celtics, Eazy was right Cube is a bitch, GHABBY, NBA Finals on June 7, 2010 by hzmls

Game 2. The Celtics are in desperate need of a win. It’s time, I think, despite my defection to the Confederecaahh, to break out the old liveblog. If only because Ice Cube is now a bitch and trying to reprise the career of Bill Cosby or Tyler Perry. Fuck that guy, and fuck LA:

9:18 1st quarter: Second personal on KG already. Remember how the Ultimate Warrior went from “awsomest guy ever” to “that batshit crazy dude who changed his fucking name to Warrior. Seriously, Warrior?” Even Cornholio had to finally stop to get TP for his bunghole. Just sayin.
6:40 1st: I’m going to miss the minor penis charge that i get from seeing Allen’s jumper. He’s going to look great playing for the Bulls on the veteran’s minimum alongside Wade and LeBron next year. *Guzzles Xanax*
4:37 1st: 18-17 Celtics. Shooting extremely well despite the fact that the refs are determined to call fouls on our forwards for manual scrotal itch relief. If we win, the guards will carry us. Thankfully Allen is 4-5 from the field. His scrotal must already be relieved.
3:06 1st: Sheed in a nutshell. Misses ill-advised 3, almost grabs steal out of nowhere, loafs back to Gasol yet somehow ends up successfully defending the shot, then complains about his back. He’s like a Playboy Playmate with a flatulence problem.
2:01 1st: The last 11 shots in a row have been missed. Not quite yet the makings of an ESPN Classic game.
.22 1st: “Remember, this is Tony Allen coming off a screen and not Ray Allen, so you have to play accordingly.” Nearly did a spit take there. Also, it should be noted that the selection of beer here in Chattanooga is criminally turrble. Liquor stores only have liquor, which leaves grocery stores as the only ones that sell beer. The selection in the beer “aisle?” Every shittastic domestic ever, a dozen flavors of ICE and bottled Guinness if you want to get “exotic.”
End of 1st: Celtics 29-22. Shhh don’t tell anyone but Kobe is 1-5 from the field with 2 points so far. Though he does have five assists, so there’s a chance he’s doing all of this on purpose in one of his patented “waaaah I’m throwing a temper tantrum like a child despite the fact that I’m old enough to be prosecuted for rape as an adult” games.
Beginning 2nd: Every time I hear Doc Rivers speak, I want to get him a lozenge. Halls Mentholyptus Doc!
10:21 2nd: To be fair, none of the Gentiles on the Celtics thought Farmar would actually attempt a dunk. Still, that has to be the greatest moment in Jewish Sports History since Sandy Koufax’s perfect game.
9:06 2nd: 36-26 C’s. Allen’s bombing away and Rondo’s 6-5-4. EPIC mustache on Andy Garcia. Jack is trying to find the Grand Canyon in his viewfinder.
8:09: Four blocks by Bynum. Someone call Ric Flair to apply a Figure Four Leglock on Bynum. Because trust me, after four marriages and $70,000 a year on limos, Flair needs the money.
6:46: Two straight killer 3’s by Allen. Someone needs to make a Youtube of Ray Allen shots with Barry White music in the background. He is the basketball equivalent of baby makin’ music.
5:33: ANOTHER three by Ray. Why didn’t we run him against Scott Brown again?
4:13: Does Leo DiCaprio keep Kevin Connolly around because he makes him feel tall, or because he makes him feel like the world’s greatest actor? E’s talent is directly proportional to his height. Also SHELDEN WILLIAMS RETARD FACE ALERT!
2:16 2nd: Ray Allen is now doing his impression of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unbefuckingliebable.
Halftime: Cockpunch by Kobe at the end of the half. Lakers score seven straight points to cut the lead to 54-48. Still, I’ll gladly, gladly take it. The Lakers may have a more dominant frontcourt (Gasol/Bynum: 25 points, seven bocks, Perk/Garnett: six and none) and have essentially stopped the C’s from taking shots anywhere near the rim, but the C’s have one thing that the Lakers don’t. Ray Muthafuckin Allen. 27 points, seven threes, two grapefruits.
11:22 3rd: SHITSHITSHITSHIT. Aaaand like that, Perk picks up his third, Pierce makes a terrible pass aaaaand like that, it’s a one point game. Gahhhhh
10:02 3rd: Lakers lead by one. Pardon me while I scratch my eyeball with a pair of grill tongs. Not even commercials with Rampage Jackson can make me happy right now.
7:14 3rd: Lost in all of the Ray Allen awesomeness is the fact that Pierce and Garnett are now a combined 1-8 from the field. Thankfully Kobe just drew his fourth foul, which is four more fouls than he’s had called on him in his entire professional career. Still, KG and Pierce need to do something. Anything. Please.
4:35 3rd: Allen with the record! Hope this means he gets a Topps Record Breaker card.
End of 3rd. Tied at 72. It’s Fun with Celtics Stats time!
Rasheed is +17 in 16 minutes of play.
Garnett, Davis, Perk and Rasheed all have four fouls apiece.
Pierce is 2-11 from the field.
Rondo is putting up a 9-11-10. He has played every minute.
Boston has 25 fouls, the Lakers 16.
9:40 4th: 83-30 Celtics. Kobe gets his fifth, Big Baby misses five million shots in a row, and swarthy disease carrier Sasha Vujacic hit a three. Then we get a Nate Robinson Pocket Rocket of Orgasmic Glee. Too much happening, I need an adult!
8:12 4th: The latest Simmons conspiracy theory: Thibodeau just hired “Worldwide Wes” as his agent. Worldwide Wes is LeBron’s shady mentor. The Bulls then hired Thibodeau. Ergo, LeBron is going to sign with the Clippers. Also, 9/11 was an inside job, we never landed on the moon, and Tupac is alive and lives on an island with Elvis. Wait, that last one is true.
4:30 4th. 90-89 Lakers. Allen’s being tentuple teamed, and Pierce and Garnett have shuffled this mortal coil. This game is Rondo’s to win or lose.
2:07 4th: AWESOME block on a Fisher 3 by Rondo. Allen needed to finish that shit. Terrible time for him to go cold. But wait….Gasol just uglied the ball out of bounds! DAGGER by Rondo. God I love that man.
1:26 4th: Celtics by 5. Doc just won the Seniors 100 Yard Dash sprinting onto the court to call a timeout. The previous record holder, Bruce Jenner, looked surprised, but that may have been due to his 584033th face lift:
1:12 4th: 10-0 run by the C’s. And Perk didn’t even get a tech when Gasol pushed him to the ground because he was pissed that we took Florida from Spain. Kobe with a disgusting followup three though. C’s now up by 5.
47 seconds left: Artest just fouled out of the game after shooting 1-10 from the field. These are the moments when I wish he wasn’t so heavily medicated and was all assaulty again. Rondo drains a free throw and it’s now a 7 point game.
33 seconds left: Did I just hear the voice of a white guy on the C’s bench say “my niggaz?” Tell me I’m not the only one who heard that.
GAME – Celtics win 103-93. Allen in the first half and Rondo in the second won this game. Back to Boston for Game 3 Tuesday night.

They Must Love Hassehloff

Posted in bullet wounds are less sexy on strippers, Gator homerism, GHABBY, Zee Germans on April 26, 2010 by hzmls

While they may end up third in their division, your 2010 Patriots will boast something no other team will have this year: two guys who speak fluent German. Yes, joining Sebastian “Augustus Gloop” Vollmer will be fifth round punter (wait…FIFTH ROUND PUNTER? for fucksake) Zoltan Mesko. Despite being a giant fucking human waste of a draft pick, Mesko did have this awesome shirt made for him in college by the good people at MGoBlog:

So yeah, the Pats may suck, but we’ve got the dude with the funny name, so they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.
Also, I’d be remiss to not comment on the fact that the Pats turned into Gainesville North this weekend, with the drafting of three Gators and the acquisition of Gerard Warren. It’s weird – I liked each Gator pick in reverse order. Hernandez, then Spikes, then Cunningham.
Hernandez, simply put, is the best college tight end I’ve seen in years. He’s fast as hell. He has fantastic hands. He LOVES to hurt people. And, should the Patriots employ it, I’ve never seen someone run that H-Back shovel pass better than Aaron Hernandez. The guy is a special tight end, like Pro Bowl special if utilized correctly. Easily my favorite Patriots pick in a LONG time.
You’re going to hear a lot about Spikes’ shitty 40 time over the next few days, and concerns about speed will probably dog his entire pro career. Don’t buy it. The guy was all over the field in the fastest conference in the country, and would literally rip your eyes out of their sockets to win. And anyone who questions his ability to play should be reminded of his soulraping of Knowshon Moreno a few years back:

Cunningham, despite being the highest drafted, is the ex-Gator I like the least. At no point in his four years in Gainesville did I ever think “thank god we have Jermaine Cunningham.” If anything, it was the other Gator DE Carlos Dunlap, who was drafted one pick after Cunningham, that struck fear into the hearts of everyone and pretty much singlehandedly won the Oklahoma national championship game. Of course, Belichick wasn’t going to draft Dunlap because of tiny things like “falling asleep in front of a stoplight with a .38 BAC”, but that doesn’t mean that you have to draft Cunningham either. Cunningham is way undersized, and was made to look much better with all the single coverage due to offenses scheming against Dunlap and Spikes. While I understand what they did (aside from Dunlap, there were no other rush ends on the board left with even third-round grades, let along seconds), I don’t necessarily expect much out of Cunningham.
But out of all these Gators, it was actually a *gasp* Alabama Crimson Tide who I was most impressed with among the Pats draftees. That would be DE Brandon Deaderick. Why would I be fawning over a seventh-rounder picked from my sworn enemy? Because the dude was SHOT IN THE ARM during a robbery attempt….and then played Virginia Tech five days later. Next year, I hear the Pats are scouting this running back from Jamaica, Queens:

May I Please Clear Something Up?

Posted in Bill Belichick is smart but he aint no genius, dexter mccourty, HZMLS, NFL Draft on April 23, 2010 by hzmls

Contrary to what all my followers on Twitter claim, I have nothing against Devin McCourty. In fact, he seems like he could be a very serviceable and explosive player with freak athletic ability. Jesus, he blocked how many punts in college? My problem comes not with the player, but with the Patriots’ coach and the alleged system that Patriots fans clamor makes him an infallible genius.

As I sat in front of the television last night watching the draft unfold, I had a sneaking suspicion the Patriots would trade down. Belichick has been talking all off-season about how deep this draft is, and if the last ten years have taught Patriots fans anything, it’s that Belichick LOVES value. So when the Patriots traded out of 22, and then out of 25, I figured the next logical step would be trading out of 27 into the 2nd round…maybe grab an extra 3rd round pick along with a 2nd. That would be fine, four picks in the 2nd round of a very deep draft? Sounds great! But that didn’t happen, instead the Patriots picked McCourty, who most pundits thought wasn’t even the best CB available at the time (Kyle Wilson). So unless I am missing something, the Patriots reached at 27 for a player that in most likelihood would have been available in the 2nd round. In the grand scheme of the Patriots plans, how the hell does this make any sense?

Second, let’s forget the value thing for a second and look at the pick. A cornerback, presumably drafted to play 3rd cornerback for the Patriots and a solid special teams player, is certainly a need (Jonathan Wilhite is terrible), but is it really that pressing? Look at all the other missing pieces the Patriots have right now; Wide Receiver, Tight End, Defensive End, Outside Linebacker, Inside Linebacker, Running Back. Is a 3rd Cornerback that pressing of a need? No it’s not, especially with so many good options out there that could immediately improve this team and fill slots that still remain empty, mainly with special talents like Dez Bryant and Jerry Hughes. Will the Patriots have anyone next year that will be able to rush the passer? Do you really trust that Wes Welker will be the same Welker next year?

Look, I don’t hate this kid, and it’s fine that he is on the team. I am just sick and tired of reading yahoo Patriots fans and Belichick apologists constantly making excuses for Lord Belichick. Yes he is a master tactician and talent evaluator, but you also need to realize he makes mistakes, especially in drafts. Look at Chad Jackson. But maybe I am completely wrong about this whole situation. Maybe in one evening Belichick will parlay his four picks into four solutions that will fix the Patriots, but then again he may be an arrogant douche, trade out of the 2nd round with a bunch of the picks and get a whole bunch of 4th-6th round talent. Will that be enough to overtake a much improved Jets team, and a Dolphin team that always plays the Pats tough? Will Tom Brady be throwing to David Patten and Alge Crumpler this season? Will we have to watch Peyton Manning go through an entire game without ending up on his ass at least once? I’m not looking forward to finding out.

Josh Beckett impregnated your girlfriend with his glare

Posted in Uncategorized on April 16, 2010 by hzmls

Yo everyone out there in Hysteria world which at this point must be two of you. I'm at the game tonight freezing my testicles off at the Red Sox game. Luckily after the injuries to Ellsbury and Cameron we are down to our fifth outfielder who is either going to be Darren Bragg or Tom Brunansky. Check out my twitter feed tonight for all the action. Cheers.

www.twitter.com/hzmls
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

BC WINS! BC WINS! BC WINS!

Posted in BC Eagles, HOCKEY CHAMPIONS BITCHES, national championship on April 11, 2010 by hzmls


Sir Gerald Wilthem Montague Yourk IV Esquirer has won his third national championship in the past decade! Take that proletariats at Boston University. Go back to toiling in your ditches and cohorting with the wenches on Comm Ave. 5-0 over the Cheeseheads, no doubt this was a pretty decisive title for the #4 team that beat the #3 and #1 team by a total of 12-1. Alright back to getting smashed but for now the BC fight song!