Breaking News: Manny Ramirez Not Bright

Boy, how’s Scotty Boras gonna spin this?

"Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding"

Flip over to Boston.com today and you can see the glorious relatively new OT Blog section that features such masters of the word as Bob Lobel and Chad Finn. Usually their posts are nothing to write home about, its certainly closer to newspaper etiquette than the dick jokes, boobs, and hot hockey writer posts you see over here. In most cases I don’t even bother reading it because, well they are usually rather boring. Well today, they caught my eye with the headline “Bring Manny Back“……wait, WHAT? Go ahead and read the article, Charles Pierce tries to make a legitimate argument to bring Manny back to Boston. This is pure, insane bullshit. Why the fuck would we bring back a malcontent douchebag who was a terrible teammate, hated this city, and tanked it so management would be forced to trade him. Jesus Christ, I think its safe to say that Pierce is probably the only guy in Boston that would want to have him back. I mean I talked to my friend Stevie in Revere and he said “Yeah dude, if Manny comes back to Boston I’ll fawking throw him off the Tobin, Fawk him.”

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that Pierce licked some Samoan Insanity Toads, and chugged a bottle of absinthe before he wrote this. It’s the only thing that makes this seem real. But hey Chuck, while we are at there are a whole shitload of other Boston castaways that are looking for jobs lets bring them all back:

1. Nomar Garciaparra: Still unemployed, having spent 1,235 games in the past four seasons on the DL. No other team is looking for a “washed up, injury plagued, light hitter-shitty defensive” firstbaseman shortstop. So what Mr. Hamm basically did what Manny did and sulked his way out of town, HE IS BETTER THAN JULIO LUGO.

2. Jay Payton: A solid fourth outfielder, who truthfully believes that he should be an everyday starter yet has expressed interest in coming back to the Sox as a backup. Also believes that evolution is fake, Santa Claus is real, and that babies come from a stork. If Tito can handle the Manny bullshit for years and years, he can deal with a valid protection plan for the Sickle Cell- Ebola ridden Baldelli.

3. Shea Hillenbrand: A disciple of Jeff Kent, who wants to see the gays and cripples banished from the earth. Thinks AIDS is a gift from god. Unfortunately no team wants to take the risk right now of taking a light fielding corner man who swings at everything from his eye balls to his toes. It would also be tough for Hillenbrand to coexist with Varitek (if he comes back), because Tek let “those faggots” from “Fudgepacking Eye for the Straight Guy” touch him on National TV. But every team needs an untalented irrational shit head right?

4. Carl Everett: Spent last season humping the jungles of Cambodia looking for the fountain of youth, because he claims the Bible told him it was there. Only found Malaria. Age does not seem to be a factor for him, because if Noah could live to be 800 years old so could he. Would love to come back to the Red Sox because they finally got rid of that honky cracker piece of shit Jimy. Would fit in well with the Sox because after Julian Tavarez left, the Sox are looking for someone who is bat shit insane for brawls with the Rays. Unfortunately, would assault traveling secretaries as well.

5. Pedro Martinez: Left Red Sox after 2004 to join the Mets in a move that would make Steve Phillips poud. After losing basically his entire skill set, is trying to reinvent himself for the 12th time. Lost all his Mojo when his cute little midget Nelson passed away. This time he is looking to reinvent himself as “Changeup pitcher, constantly hurt, whose fastball is 79mph and change up 77”. Pitching shoulder is held together by plantain husks and mango skins. Could fill the, “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RETIRE” void that Mike Timlin has left.

There Pierce, I came up with a list of players we could add that would also give Boston the, oh gee shucks its great to have him back feeling. Did I miss anyone?

I Told You This Would Get Worse Before It Got Better

“During my years here I’ve seen how they have mistreated other great players when they didn’t want them to try to turn the fans against them. The Red Sox did the same with guys like Nomar Garciaparra and Pedro Martinez, and now they do the same with me. Their goal is to paint me as the bad guy. I love Boston fans, but the Red Sox don’t deserve me. I’m not talking about money. Mental peace has no price and I don’t have peace here.”

— Manny, in an interview with ESPN Deportes

Is this it?

Various sources — Buster Olney, Peter Gammons, Boston.com, Fox Sports, etc. — are absolutely buzzing right now over a rumored three-team deal that would result in the deportation of Manny Ramirez to Miami and the John Henry Secretly Still Owns Us Marlins. In return, the Sox would receive multiple (the number is currently believed to be three) prospects from the Fish, including one of their two young outfield prospects, Jeremy Hermida or Josh Willingham. Olney reports that the Sox have brought the Pirates in on the deal, with some (or all) of the Marlins prospects headed to Pittsburgh for outfielder Jason “Willow” Bay and LHP John Grabow.

Gratuitous Willow Bay Picture

Any way you look at it, this is clearly a deal that the Sox will jump at… IF they can overcome the non-trivial hurdle of Manny’s 10/5 rights. For those of you not well-versed in the arcane technicalities of the MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement, under the CBA a player with 10 years of accumulated MLB service time AND 5 years of accumulated service time with his current team has the functional equivalent of a no-trade clause imputed to his contract, whether or not it already has one. Hence, Manny must approve any trade that the Sox come up with. (There is a report that an additional hurdle — a Florida demand for a Sox prospect in addition to Manny — also is out there.) Manny hit that point back in 2005, right after the will-they-or-won’t-they trading deadline afternoon where Manny wound up pinch-hitting a single to win the game for starter Jon Papelbon. But I digress.

When push comes to shove, would Manny accept a trade to the Marlins? Well, he’s pretty much made his feelings about staying clear: he wants the Sox to give him a big warm fuzzy hug (i.e. a 4-year extension), or they should cut bait and “send him a letter” saying that he won’t be back. This employer/employee relationship is clearly beyond repair — the “fuck you, we know you’re lying” double-MRI last Friday pretty much sealed that deal. Manny has a home in South Florida, and given his long-standing discomfort with English, he’d probably welcome being in a community where Spanish is effectively the primary language. He’ll have to play the field — every night — but he’s always appeared to prefer that to DHing. So I say yes, Manny would probably go along with the deal. Of course with him you never know… but I don’t see any real deal-breakers that would absolutely preclude any cooperation from him.

Now, what would the Sox get back for the #4 hitter in their lineup? Well, Bay is ABSOLUTELY the real deal. Since his 2004 Rookie of the Year campaign, he’s been one of the better hitters in the NL, putting up numbers in the .280/30/100 range in both 2005 and 2006, before his numbers fell somewhat in an injury-plagued 2007. And NOBODY KNOWS THAT, because he plays for the poor, unloved Pirates. He’s under contract until the end of 2009, so he wouldn’t be a two-month rental. The bottom line — in exchange for Manny, the Sox would be getting back someone who is basically a right-handed J.D. Drew (2008 version). And he’s only 29, so if he likes it here, you could be looking at the long term answer in left.

The Marlins outfielders are nothing to sneeze at, either. The likely primary target of the Sox is Hermida, who’s probably best known for being the first player ever to hit a pinch-hit grand slam in his first MLB at-bat. Hermida’s numbers in 2007, his first full season in the bigs, aren’t jump-off-the-page awesome — .296/18/63 in 429 AB — but his OPS+ was an impressive enough 125, and he showed a lot of discipline at the plate for a 24-year-old. I’d compare him — sort of — to a younger Kevin Youkilis offensively. Josh “The Hammer” Willingham is older at 29, and has show an BIT more power in his three MLB seasons. Either of those guys could slip right into left field and contribute at the major league level, with Hermida probably having the better upside potential, but Willingham closer to his prime years as a player.

Grabow is a slider-throwing lefty whose main claim to fame is his effectiveness with RISP. Yeah, I think the team could probably find a use for him….

If you want my opinion — and I know you do — you do this deal if you’re the Sox. I like Hermida as the consolation prize for ending Manny’s sideshow. I LOVE Bay as the consolation prize. If a Manny deal would net you Bay AND a quality lefty bullpen arm…. Um, why are we even discussing this?

Oh yeah — because he’s the greatest pure hitter we’ve seen in our lifetimes. That’s why. And I’ll miss the galoot if he goes.

Also, if you haven’t figured out yet — the Angels, right now, are a MUCH better team than your Red Sox. It isn’t even close.

Manny Being Northwesty — Why Not?

I’d really like to do a full-on post about possible trading partners for the Red Sox on the Manny Ramirez front — because the Sox WILL absolutely trade him if the right deal is offered — but sadly real life is in the way, and I don’t have the time to do a proper, well-researched glib post.

I did want to throw one possibility out there, though, that I have not seen discussed in the blogowebisphere, or even floated out there: what about moving him to Seattle for Raul Ibanez?

The Mets had been talking with the Mariners about a potential Ibanez deal, one of the multiple feelers they sent out towards the goal of filling their gaping hole (Fernando Tatis) in left field. However, the deal never got off the ground, because the Mets have apparently decided to stick with Tatis, at least until the waiver deadline. (That could, of course, change in a Wilpon Minute.) So we know the Mariners are at least open to discussing the option of trading Ibanez.

The question is, of course, “Why would the Mariners want Manny Ramirez?” And the answer would be — they don’t. At all. However, if the Sox and Mariners could put together a straight deal for Ibanez, I’m sure the Sox could find a way to convince (i.e. pay) the Mariners to take on Manny for the remainder of the year as an add-on.

Here’s the problem, though — the Mariners, who don’t really need to do anything (they’d probably be happy with the draft pick(s) they’d get if Ibanez walked at the end of this year), would probably look to extort any trading partner in the deal. And by “extort”, I mean the discussion would probably BEGIN with Ellsbury and Masterson, and the debate would be who else gets thrown in. For the rental of a 34-year-old outfielder, albeit one with a good bat. On the other hand, if the Mariners truly believe that they will not be able to resign Ibanez after this season (or if they just don’t want to), they may, as the deadline approaches, be more reasonable in deciding to take back someone who is a more known quantity than “whomever is available at pick #220 in next year’s draft”. If the price came down — say, to a B-level prospect and a couple of very-low-level projects — I think the Sox would jump at the chance to be rid of Manny while getting some measure of offense back.

But right now, I just don’t see anything happening on the Manny front. The Sox are holding a pair of twos in this poker game, and everyone else knows it. Nobody out there truly needs to rent Manny. And this ownership/management group doesn’t seem likely to give the farm away just to be rid of a problem. So I think Thursday will come and go, and Manny will still be being Manny in left field at Fenway.

But you never know.

There’s Never A Right Time To Say Goodbye

I didn’t think anything could possibly drown out the already deafening bally-hoo that inevitably arises on a Red Sox-Yankees weekend. Clearly, however, I underestimated the ability of one Manuel Aristides Ramirez to throw Boston and the general baseball media into an absolute frenzy of speculation, accusation, and pointless recommendation. It seems that things are coming to a head with our beloved slugger, but there’s no question that tensions between Manny and the Sox front office have been escalating for quite some time. An abbreviated time-line of the key events in this rocky season:

June 5: Manny and Kevin Youkilis exchange heated words and a girly slap or two in the dugout during an already brawl-filled series with Tampa Bay. The altercation reportedly arose over Manny taking exception to Youkilis’ tendency to argue calls and be excessively demonstrative at the plate (also known as Paul O’Neill Syndrome).

June 28: Manny shoves traveling secretary Jack McCormick to the ground after McCormick expresses an uncertainty over his ability to fill Manny’s day-of request for 16 tickets to that night’s game in Houston.

June 30: Manny apologizes publicly for the shoving — a full two days after the incident. (He was later fined an undisclosed amount.)

July 18: Bob Lobel contends that some Sox brass-types think Manny intentionally struck out against Mariano Riviera in Boston’s most recent match-up with the Yankees. (This is unverified.)

July 25: Manny opts to sit against the Yankees in Game 1 of a crucial mid-season series.

July 27: Manny gets his silly mug plastered all over the news following some less-than-tactful comments concerning the possibility of being traded out of Boston. “I’m tired of them, they’re tired of me… I’m happy, but enough is enough, you know?” he says.

Now, as fun as it is to play Armchair Executive, I won’t pretend to know everything there is to know about the ins and outs of running a pro baseball franchise. But if there is one thing I’m a motherfucking expert on, it’s FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. NO ONE knows disastrous, prolonged, bridge-burning breakups like me, bitches. And from my extensive experience with relationships collapsing in spectacular fashion, I can tell you this much with certainty: this shit needs to end. Now. Let’s reexamine our time-line for clarification:

The Little Quirks That Never Bothered You Before Starting To Piss You Off Stage. Youk’s always been kind of a whiny bitch, and it’s never bothered Manny until this season. This is when couples usually try and go on vacation or some shit, where those little quirks will only serve to irritate them even more because they’re around one another 24 hours a day. This is where you convince yourself that shit is fixable. Trust me: this is where it all starts to go downhill. You’re just channeling your real dissatisfaction into everyday peeves.

The Shove. All couples fight. It’s stupid, it’s sad… but it happens. Relationships involve sacrifice and compromise, and who the fuck ever WANTS to do either of those things? So fights happen, and they’re not the end of the world. HOWEVAH (ladies, pay special attention) : when shit turns violent, it’s over. I’m lucky. I’ve never had a dude raise a hand against me. But I’ve slapped the shit out of my boyfriends when they’ve pissed me off (or thrown beers at them, which is more fun), and I can say with certainty that it fundamentally changes the dynamics of a relationship when someone finally loses their cool enough to express it physically. [Ed. note: Of course this is an imperfect analogy, and real domestic violence shouldn’t be in any way conflated with a hot-tempered biddy like me throwing her boyfriend’s car keys out the window. The point I’m making here applies more to the moment when you just lose it to the point of no longer being able to adequately express it verbally. Longer discussion for another time, ya dig?]

The Empty Apology. We’ve ALL done this. What you say is, “I’m sorry,” but what you mean is, “…that you’re so full of shit that I need to be the bigger person and apologize when IT’S CLEARLY YOUR FUCKING FAULT.” Then you have awesome makeup sex — or, in Manny’s case, go back to getting clutch hits — and temporarily restore order. But there’s no two ways about it: the first time you apologize and don’t mean it is the last time you will ever, ever feel the same way about that person again.

The Swirling Rumors. When the rumors about cheating or any kind of dishonesty start to fly, it honestly doesn’t matter whether they’re true or not. Good relationships simply don’t foster that kind of shit. A LOT of people (girls especially) will fight me on this point, but it’s 100% true. If you hear that your boyfriend cheated on you Saturday night, even if you hear it from the least reliable source and every single one of your close friends swears up and down it wasn’t true, here’s the cold ugly truth: he was doing something, somewhere, that wasn’t being your boyfriend. He did something to make someone think he might want to cheat, and that’s the first step down a long, slippery slope of paranoia and duplicity. The point isn’t whether or not Manny actually MEANT to strike out against Mo Riviera. The point is that if he were acting the way he was supposed to be acting, we’d have no cause to assume he did anything amiss, and the rumors would never have gotten started in the first place. RED. FUCKING. FLAG.

The I’m Not Coming To Your Shit. Look. If someone loves you, they show up to whatever god-awful affair you drag them to, be it Family Bowling Night, your brutally awkward office holiday party, or Planned Parenthood. Period. When someone you love looks at you and says, “I need you,” you drop everything you’re doing and go. You love them. They need you. It’s the world’s simplest equation. When the Bronx Bombers are in town, WE NEED MANNY. Boy’s a gat-damn Yankee killer: he knows it, they know it, and we know it. We needed Manny on Friday, and he made up some bullshit excuse to get out of it. You can make excuses all you want, but this is one of the surest signs that your shit is on the rocks.

Loose Lips Sink Ships. It’s the most painful fucking thing in the world when it gets back to you that someone that you love and would do anything for is going around telling people it’s over. But that’s exactly what Manny did to Boston this weekend. This guy is fucking jerking us around and we’d be nuts to stick by his side. Of course we still have good moments with him. When you love someone and are with them for years, you never totally lose the connection you built up. But — and this is the key takeaway here, kids, both for baseball and for life — IT ONLY TAKES ONE PERSON TO END A RELATIONSHIP. If Manny wants it to be over, then sorry Boston: It’s already fucking over. Cut your losses and move on. I vote we trade Manny within the week.

Excuse me for a minute. I’m going to go sit in the supply closet and cry.

This Will Get Worse Before It Gets Better

So Bob Lobel — who is still extremely well-connected in this town, despite no longer being on WBZ — went on WEEI this morning and dropped a couple of atomic bombs on us concerning Mr. Manny B. Manny….

(1) Manny was fined in the six figures for his shove of travelin’ secretary Jack McCormick.

But that’s not surprising — you figured the team was going to do something after that little incident. No, the bomb was….

(2) … that Manny’s taking three straight strikes from Mo Rivera on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball was may have been* an intentional “fuck you” to ownership.

Now far be it from me to argue against sticking it to The Man…. but if this is true, I mean, wow. (And let’s be honest — don’t we all believe that this is exactly the sort of thing that Manny would do?) This wasn’t some relatively harmless bird-flipping in the 2nd inning or something. This was in the ninth inning of a tie game against the Yankees, with the go-ahead run standing on third. I mean, there’s Manny Being Manny, and then there’s something that would be absolutely, utterly inexcusable — and frankly, grounds for an immediate release or a very public benching for the remainder of the season.

Lobel may be wrong, of course. But part of me — a large part of me — suspects that he is correct in what he says. Ramirez has been uncharacteristically prickly recently, to the point of being almost aggressively hostile in his comments. Something is therefore up, and the fine triggering a series of petulant outbursts from MBM is a perfectly logical series of events.

This could be bad, people. The SS Red Sox has been on pretty placid waters for most of the Francona era… but this could be Nomar all over again.

Yikes.

*[APNDR update: Upon further investigation, it appears that Lobel was implying more that the Sox front office PERCEIVES the at-bat as a deliberate fuck-you, not stating outright that it WAS a deliberate fuck-you. Therefore, I have clarified the wording.]

APNDR Further Update: Gordon Edes reports via Boston.com that the six-figure-fine report is “wildly overstated“, and that the actual fine was in the $10k-$15k range. The Sox, unsurprisingly, have refused to specifically comment on the issue. As Drudge would say, developing…..