"Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding"

Flip over to Boston.com today and you can see the glorious relatively new OT Blog section that features such masters of the word as Bob Lobel and Chad Finn. Usually their posts are nothing to write home about, its certainly closer to newspaper etiquette than the dick jokes, boobs, and hot hockey writer posts you see over here. In most cases I don’t even bother reading it because, well they are usually rather boring. Well today, they caught my eye with the headline “Bring Manny Back“……wait, WHAT? Go ahead and read the article, Charles Pierce tries to make a legitimate argument to bring Manny back to Boston. This is pure, insane bullshit. Why the fuck would we bring back a malcontent douchebag who was a terrible teammate, hated this city, and tanked it so management would be forced to trade him. Jesus Christ, I think its safe to say that Pierce is probably the only guy in Boston that would want to have him back. I mean I talked to my friend Stevie in Revere and he said “Yeah dude, if Manny comes back to Boston I’ll fawking throw him off the Tobin, Fawk him.”

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that Pierce licked some Samoan Insanity Toads, and chugged a bottle of absinthe before he wrote this. It’s the only thing that makes this seem real. But hey Chuck, while we are at there are a whole shitload of other Boston castaways that are looking for jobs lets bring them all back:

1. Nomar Garciaparra: Still unemployed, having spent 1,235 games in the past four seasons on the DL. No other team is looking for a “washed up, injury plagued, light hitter-shitty defensive” firstbaseman shortstop. So what Mr. Hamm basically did what Manny did and sulked his way out of town, HE IS BETTER THAN JULIO LUGO.

2. Jay Payton: A solid fourth outfielder, who truthfully believes that he should be an everyday starter yet has expressed interest in coming back to the Sox as a backup. Also believes that evolution is fake, Santa Claus is real, and that babies come from a stork. If Tito can handle the Manny bullshit for years and years, he can deal with a valid protection plan for the Sickle Cell- Ebola ridden Baldelli.

3. Shea Hillenbrand: A disciple of Jeff Kent, who wants to see the gays and cripples banished from the earth. Thinks AIDS is a gift from god. Unfortunately no team wants to take the risk right now of taking a light fielding corner man who swings at everything from his eye balls to his toes. It would also be tough for Hillenbrand to coexist with Varitek (if he comes back), because Tek let “those faggots” from “Fudgepacking Eye for the Straight Guy” touch him on National TV. But every team needs an untalented irrational shit head right?

4. Carl Everett: Spent last season humping the jungles of Cambodia looking for the fountain of youth, because he claims the Bible told him it was there. Only found Malaria. Age does not seem to be a factor for him, because if Noah could live to be 800 years old so could he. Would love to come back to the Red Sox because they finally got rid of that honky cracker piece of shit Jimy. Would fit in well with the Sox because after Julian Tavarez left, the Sox are looking for someone who is bat shit insane for brawls with the Rays. Unfortunately, would assault traveling secretaries as well.

5. Pedro Martinez: Left Red Sox after 2004 to join the Mets in a move that would make Steve Phillips poud. After losing basically his entire skill set, is trying to reinvent himself for the 12th time. Lost all his Mojo when his cute little midget Nelson passed away. This time he is looking to reinvent himself as “Changeup pitcher, constantly hurt, whose fastball is 79mph and change up 77”. Pitching shoulder is held together by plantain husks and mango skins. Could fill the, “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RETIRE” void that Mike Timlin has left.

There Pierce, I came up with a list of players we could add that would also give Boston the, oh gee shucks its great to have him back feeling. Did I miss anyone?

The NFL Gods are cruel and confusing

Have you ever been pleasantly surprised by something you completely didn’t expect? Like when a girl you think is out of your league gives you a phone number, or after not puking after a night of heavy drinking? It’s a great feeling let me tell you, well the not puking part.(as many of you know I’ve been ball and chained now for almost a decade so I have no idea what it feels like getting a girls number). It’s that feeling that we needed last night, a day after the Red Sox season ended it was the Patriots that needed to surprise us. And boy did they ever.

Because of some miscommunication between the Hysteric editors, and the fact that I was completely swamped at work yesterday I did not put up any sort of football preview. As MNF began, I kicked myself for failing to provide you with my “expert analysis”, :inside information:, and loads of inappropriate genital jokes. This morning I stand before you and thank God, Jesus and Martin Scorcese that I didnt post. Let’s look at some of my assumptions/predictions for the game (feel free to mercilessly mock me for this).

1. After seeing what the Chargers dismantle the Patriots, Jay Cutler/Brandon Marshall/Eddie Royal will kill them. Um, they scored one touchdown, had five turnovers and a QB with a smashed hand and an offense thatlooked weak. But 7 points, PATRIOTS DEFENSE THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE CAPABLE OF! Though to be fair I think if FutureMrs hit Andre Hall she would have caused those two fumbles.
2. Matt Cassel isn’t bad, but isn’t anything special either. I will still contend that he isn’t anything special, but I definitely think he is better then we give him credit for. Cassel completed 75% of his passes, threw for 3 TD’s and his QB Rating in this game was in the top 10 all time for the Patriots. I know personally I was getting on him for getting sacked alot in the past few weeks. After last night it was pretty clear its the O-Line who lets the defense in untouched and RB’s who don’t touch blitzers who are getting Cassel killed. Cassel made smart decisions, and I think that is all we can hope for, because as Tony Kornheiser reminded like 300 times last night “HES NOT TOM BRADY!!!”
3. Randy Moss will get 4 catches for like 60 yards with no TD’s. I believe I said those exact words to SmartyBarrett as the game was going to start. I figured Champ Bailey who is one of the best CBs in the league would have his way against him, fuck every other team basically has all year. I was pretty close with the catches and yardage so I can take solace in that. Two touchdowns later, one on a fantastic catch and run screen pass, and again I look like an asshole. Moss is a fucking leader on this team, he is blocking on running plays, and energizing his team and fans.
4. The Patriots Defense would fail to get pressure on Jay Cutler. Look I took the Chargers game too seriously, the D in that game looked more bland then a song by Staind. From the first play of the game I could tell this week was different, they put Cutler on his ass play after play, sacked him 3 times and forced him to make mistakes. Richard Seymour and Jared Mayo looked possessed on the field, and caused mayhem all game. Harrison did go down, which blew, but honestly losing Harrison isn’t as devastating as you think. Mark this in your little notebooks, John Lynch will be starting at Safety in two weeks.
5. Broncos 35 Patriots 13. With a sputtering offense and defense I assumed the Patriots had no chance against a Broncos team that was 4-2 going into the game. I knew the Broncos D blew, but I had on idea a Mike Shanahan team could be so mistake prone with countless stupid penalties and turnovers. I also completely underestimated Bill Belichick, after watching the Chargers game I assumed he would continue to let Cassel flounder, and again I was wrong. He did what I was clamoring about for weeks, RUN THE FOOTBALL, keep the pressure off of Cassel and control the tempo of the game.

Yep your faithful MH football editor was completely wrong about his Patriots. As I said to SB after the Sox game “Fuck, this is just going to feel worse, the Pats are playing the fucking Broncos tomorrow“. I completely misjudged a Broncos team that had won a few fluky games, and a Patriots team still trying to find themselves. I was wrong on all fronts about my talking points on this game, now I know what Tom Jackson and Mike Ditka must feel like week after week. As upsetting as it was watching my Red Sox lose Game 7, realizing that the Patriots might have created their identity on MNF was that much more exhilarating. Take this for what its worth, I think this could be a defining game for these Patriots. Next week we get the Rams who all of a sudden are showing signs of life, please kill them.